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Homework battle royal - DH vs BM

Twostepsback's picture

This has been a not so good week for us in the co-parenting front.

SS9 had a school holiday last week. 10 blissful days of no school, which of course he spent at his moms.

In his backpack he took a school project that would be due 2 days after he got back to school, run of the mill homework, a fundraising reading event (money/minutes spent reading) and finished work that had been marked so BM could keep up with how he was doing. I send her his work every time he goes up. 99% of the time it comes back and months later she'll complain she never received it. I'm thinking I'll start sending it by registered mail that she has to sign for ...

At any rate at the drop off she was informed about the homework, and again half way through the visit. The last day DH asked BM what project topic they'd chosen and how SS9 had done with the work.

She informed him that as the project wasn't due until 2 days after SS9 came back to us WE could do it. She said she wanted to "enjoy" her time with him.

At my prompting DH left the conversation before it could get heated. The next day we sent her a message noting why we were upset that she hadn't done the work. As SS9 has ADD/ODD getting him to do homework on days he's been in school is difficult at the best of times.

We noted that we understood she has "less" time with him on the surface (in reality although our agreement says every 2nd week, 6 in the summer and whenever reasonable/agreed upon she has him every second weekend, 8 in the summer and 4/5 weeks off during the school year so she's got him about 50% of his non-school time), we felt it was important for her to be part of his education as well. We noted that when the homework was done (when we had him and she did) over a period of time it was much less stressful for him, as he gets very worked up, and so we had hoped that at least some of the project would be done.

She got mad of course, and started saying how she never gets updates (um yeah ... I have RECORDS of all our updates thank you), that from now on she'd be talking to the teacher directly (surprised she didn't ask me for contact info as as of Dec. 18 of this school year she had never met his teacher this year) and wanted us to give her a log of all the homework we're doing with him to make sure we were doing a good enough job and that she might decide to get him a tutor if she felt it wasn't good enough... I was livid as I've bent over backwards to do as much, and sometimes more for SS9 than my two bio-kids ...

Hours later at the dropoff (which DH decided he would opt out of the putz) she tried to butter me up ... I noted that I understood her wanting to enjoy her time with him, but that's how we feel as well, and when all the homework is put upon us that takes away from our QUALITY time with him and that I was tired of being the bad guy who made sure he had healthy food, went to bed on time (vs. 11p.m. - 3 a.m. at her house) and did his school work.

She was quiet after that.

The teachers have noted that he misbehaves when he's going to her house, and for a few days after a visit with her (likely due to the screwed up routine) and that they don't expect work to be done at her house, and that if she was really concerned about his schoolwork she'd do it herself rather than leaving everything up to us (this is all without us trying to make her look bad or say rude things about her.

My concern is I feel this is a way for her to create PAS but I'm not sure how to prove it to a judge ... has anyone else had visitation access decreased due to a Disney parent effecting their kids academic achievement?? If so how did you do it?

Comments

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

BM here is the same way. Can't get the skids to school half the time, brings them in late and pulls them out early, and can't "make them do their homework." Ss14 is failing three classes right now, and SS8 failed the state tests this year horribly. Apparently this isn't considered abuse or neglect by our state's standards.

BM does NOTHING for the kids when it comes to school. She barely got out of hi school herself and is "doing just fine," so that's apparently good enough for her kids too.

We've had no luck with this, but hopefully you have a better family court system where you are. No advice really, just sympathy. We go through this crap constantly.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

Same here- both of the skids say we're mean and Mom's house is way more fun! Tough boogies! We're not contributing to delinquency. If BM wants to be their friend, she can take them in a nod support their asses when they're 25 and asking people if they want to supersize their order!

Twostepsback's picture

We do not 'fight' really. She got pissy, we opted out of a bitch fest with her and simply stated our concerns. She got royally pissed and started making threats. We said we understood her POV it just wasn't ours, and that we'd make sure the work got done, which made her more mad. It was lose lose for us, and I made DH not discuss it at home around SS9 nor did we talk about it with her in his earshot. I waited until he'd gone to order his food before I let her talk about it.

We stopped trying to TELL her what to do a long time ago. Now we simply ask, make note of her response, be annoyed when we discuss it when SS9 isn't around and pick up the slack.

ODD and ADD are not learned behaviours. We can exacerbate them by not doing certain things for sure. Which we try daily to mitigate to the best of our abilities .... We are not always successful, but we try.

Twostepsback's picture

She will pretend until the day or so before ... She has done work in the past ... She's got a 30% track record ... It is usually the night before he comes home where she'll say she won't ... I've asked teachers to assign him stuff earlier whenever possible so we get it done before he goes there...

Twostepsback's picture

We usually all go as we live in a remote area and can get better groceries at the meet spot. He was sick. We hadn't seen him in 10 days and the bio kids were really excited for him to come back. They wanted to go to the meet, but wanted to go with mommy. I made him do laundry as penance lol

nothinforya's picture

Probably the best you can hope for is that SS will decide to live with BM fulltime when he's a little older, to get away from the "mean house". Until then, keep on him about getting HIS work done.

Twostepsback's picture

Yeah ... I actually love him, unlike a lot of steps I read about, and want him to do well. We usually have a great relationship ... It's only when he goes to his moms he's a snot ... Otherwise he's pretty awesome. When he's not being tainted ... So I tell him again and again why we do it .... He's recently shown signs of understanding what we are doing and why, which was pretty exciting ... Hard work paying off finally

Drac0's picture

The "Draco" in my name is short for "Draconian". That is my moniker when it comes to my children's education. I'm rather heavy handed when it comes to my SS's studies and my DW called me "Draconian" once. Now my DW has her belief on how a child should develop study habits. She's not entirely wrong but she too placed more emphasis on making SS happy than on school results.

I, on the other hand, demand nothing less than perfection.

So on that aspect, I must applaud and commend you for the efforts you have done to encourage your SS; because really, it SHOULD NOT be our responsibility. At least, it should not be a step-parents responsibility. I, for one, cannot accept that. Not now, and not ever. Shirking away that responsibility is like asking me to not breathe. I just can't do it and I have absolutely no respect or sympathy for any parent who places more emphasis on "play time" then on academic endeavors, ESPECIALLY with a child who is struggling with their school grades and who has a condition (my SS has ADHD).

My SS's Dad, like your SS's BM have all the play time. I dont expect my SS to do any studying over there. Sure we'll email the father to make sure he gets it done. Sometimes his Dad will stay on top of SS but most of the time he doesn't. This is why I and DW had to do a little programing of our own. We tell SS that when he is at his Dad's it is SS's responsibility to do his homework and studies. I don't accept any excuse.

I warn SS: "Set a time for yourself, find a quiet place to study and do your work, because when I come to pick you up, the first thing I am going to ask you is 'did you do your homework?'.".

If you start sending BM registered letters of homework logs, it will probably work but she might also think that a court battle is looming so yes, she *might* treat them more seriously but she may not act favorably to you.

As for PAS - look, I've run the gauntlet of arguments with this one. Nothing will ever change the fact that I have taken a keen interest in my SS's education. Sure Mom and Dad may be more lenient and more fun, but who wins in the long run?

I told my SS quite plainly. "Your Mom and Dad and me will not be here forever. Who is going to look after you? Chances are you will be forced to look after yourself. This is why kids need education; so that they can look after themselves one day."