Teacher says BM visitation disruptive...
So SS8 went to his moms this weekend. We had a development day for the teachers Thursday, so no school, and then the kids were supposed to be back in school Friday. As it was BM's weekend we figured we might as well let her have the Friday, with the understanding she would do his school work or it would never be an option again. She agreed, and made a big point of saying how she did the work with him.
This a.m. we discovered she had done some of the work, but left a whole chunk not done. We sent a note to the teacher, and followed it up with a call, as I was sick and didn't write the clearest.
During the call she said it wasn't a huge deal, but noted that SS8 has been very difficult to work with today. She noted that it's not new, that every time he has a visit to his mom's he comes back argumentative and refuses to do the assignments that are given to him. She said that she had also noted the number of times that homework was sent to his moms and returned unfinished leaving it to us to complete.
I mentioned it to my hubby, who was so pissed this morning that he said that SS8 wouldn't be going back if she refused to do the work with him ... now of course hours later he is wondering what on earth can be done about it.
I'm not saying that I don't want SS8 to visit his mom ... she's important and I get that ... but does anyone have a way of suggesting nicely to put on her mommy panties and pony up, or even a schedule that they've found that works for them in similar situations. Maybe if he went every 3rd week and had a few days off school rather than every second week he'd be more productive?
I know he often comments how much "fun" it is at his moms, and he doesn't seem to compute that if he lived with her he'd be going to school there instead. When we mention that as an option he says he doesn't want to live there ... but it's sooo frustrating and I'm tired of being the cruddy parent who makes him do schoolwork etc.
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We don't "do" his homework
We don't "do" his homework ... we sit with him and he does it while we're making sure it gets completed ... he has ADHD .. we know why he doesn't do it there ... if he puts up a fuss she doesn't make him do it because "she gets so little time with him she doesn't want to ruin it" with things like keeping him on a schedule to help keep his ADHD in check etc.
No over nights. Only
No over nights. Only visitation on Saturday and Sunday from 10AM-6PM. Helped our situation.
She lives 3.5 hours away ...
She lives 3.5 hours away ... otherwise yes, that'd be ideal
I don't get why the parents
I don't get why the parents are having to do the kid's schoolwork with him? Or for him? Am I missing something here? I know it's expected of a parent to HELP a child if need be, but it sounds like he's having a lot of it done FOR him?
Correct me if I'm wrong here.
And I'd say no more overnights during the school week either. Weekends only.
He only goes up weekends ...
He only goes up weekends ... in this instance he missed a day of school as the last day of the semester fell on a Wednesday.
A) he doesn't have the work done for him, at our house we sit with him while he does it, otherwise he gets distracted (ADHD) ...
Got ya! Ok, it's much
Got ya! Ok, it's much clearer now.
Ok, so I have no experience with ADHD kids other than the fact that I get super annoyed with them super fast. Is he on medications to calm his impulses?
Isn't there any way you can set aside time designated as "homework time" in a quiet area where there are ZERO distractions and then check in on him periodically? To me, even with the ADHD issue, sitting with an 8 yr old just to watch him do homework seems counterproductive. Then again, I'm clueless when it comes to this diagnosis. Most of the kids I know that "have ADHD" are actually fine. They're hyper and need to be in very structured households, but otherwise seem fine as long as they know what is expected of them.
So I get the teacher's problem with the kid's bad behavior following his mom's visitation spilling over into the next school week. Have you spoken with BM about this and asked her what kind of schedule she'd like to help you all work out so it doesn't affect this kid at school?
Maybe since he's enrolled in school at your home and she's so far away, he stays with you all week during the school year and sees her every other weekend and then she gets him all summer? I don't know, just throwing stuff out there.
He is on meds ... he also has
He is on meds ... he also has ODD (oppositional defiance) so basically when you tell him to do something his reaction typically is to say no ... he's on medication for it all, but it's not a be all end all. He has no issues with work at our house, it's at her house, which we don't control ...
His visitation is currently exactly as you just said ... every other weekend, 4/5 weeks off school during the school year (1 in Nov, 1 in Dec one in Feb and one in April as well as 7/9 weeks in summer ... we've arranged the schedule so she gets him during almost every long weekend as well to ensure he gets as much time as humanly possible with her ...
it's not that he loves her so much that he can't stand being away and thinks about her those 2-3 days of school ... it's that he doesn't like work ... he hates to do anything that requires him to do anything, unless it's a video game or playing with friends. I've been trying to instill a work ethic in him for almost 5 years now ... and it's been a tough row to hoe!
Wow girl, I feel for you. I
Wow girl, I feel for you. I can't imagine being in that position. I'd go bananas.
My stepsister's oldest boy is 7 and has been diagnosed with all sorts of disorders. He's on meds that calm him almost to the point of being sleepy but if he's not on them, he's uncontrollable. It's a catch 22.
I wish I could help. I really do!
Her Dh works in the oilpatch
Her Dh works in the oilpatch as a consultant, so he's gone lots. They could easily live anywhere they wanted, and he's mostly based out of a town less than 2 hours away from us right now, and she refuses to live there because it's too "small town" and she doesn't like that because there's less shopping opportunities (she's got a closet full of designer bags!)
As we have 2 kids who have been with the same sitter forever, and are fairly rooted here, it doesn't seem fair to uproot them, although twice a year we think about it for SS8's sake.
Quite honestly he could stand to do with less time with her as the things she thinks are important in life (looks, popularity and what you Own) are not our values ... however at the end of the days he's his mom ....
Both of my SS have ADHD, they
Both of my SS have ADHD, they have to have a consistant schedule or we deal with meltdowns and attitude issues. We keep them to a schedule but at BM's its a free for all. She has stopped inviting us to school events so we don't know how they are doing other than their grades.
If BM cannot be on board with what needs to be done for her son who has ADHD I would curtail visitation in the best interest of the child.
That's what I'd lean towards
That's what I'd lean towards too ... but if DH isn't onboard then there's no point in me mentioning it at all ...
Get him a behavioral
Get him a behavioral therapist to help develop a plan to get his urges under control. Since you have him the majority of the time it will eventually roll over. That is what we had to do. Idiot doesn't follow it and she has him 50% of the time, so it takes longer for the behaviors to kick in- but, you can only try.
we're in a rural area with
we're in a rural area with very few supports for this kind of thing ... there is a therapist but she's not here that often .. we did see her for awhile and then she said that she felt he was good to go ... that was a year ago ... the one thing I did learn from her is we have no control over what BM does, only how it effects us here ... which I'd been struggling with ... I couldn't for the life of me get why a mom wouldn't do what's best for her kid ... but then it struck me she is ... at least her perception of what is ... which is just different than our perception, which I believe is closer to the norm ...
The county most likely has a
The county most likely has a mental health group- that is where we got my stepsons behavioral plan. Worth taking a look at.