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Wedding day is coming & I'm having thoughts

Tiger7's picture

Submitted by Tiger7 on Fri, 05/25/2018 - 9:21am

SO spoke to BM2 last night - SS10 is acting up.  He took the call downstairs while I was up in our bedroom; he relayed the conversations with both BM2 and SS to me.  Whenever SS acts up, he gets on him pretty hard (this is by face time video cause they live across country from us).  BM2 also told him she & her DH  might be divorcing and supposedly some of their issues are attributed to SS's behavior.  They also might not be coming to our wedding in Aug.  I listened to SO without interrupting.  When he was done, I told him the following observations that I have:

**he is way harder on SS10 and even SD16 than he is on SD18 (the one with the SERIOUS problems).  That while he "gets on SS10", he takes SD18 to get fast food and gently talks to her and listens to her BS excuses.

**he told SS10 last night that his behavior might be causing some issues in his mom's marriage and does he even consider that?  So I asked SO, did you ever think to tell that to SD18 about you and I - that her behavior is causing stress between us?

Here's where I'm at....I certaintly do love SO and want a life with him.  I can disengage and all that - I have no problem with it.  He knows exactly where I stand and how I feel.  But I also know how he feels - he obviously loves his kids and he has great faith.  He wants me to be very much ENGAGED with his kids but knows there are times I just don't want to.  I could see how stressed he was while giving him my opinions last night so I felt bad afterwards that I just piled on more.  He tells me he doesn't want me holding back so I don't.  I'm afraid of going into this marriage and then him expecting me to be someone I cannot be.  I really do try with this girls and every time I do, they end up doing or saying something that makes me regret it.  As of right now, I don't even want to be around his daughters and I know that hurts him.   At my age, most people have families so there'll always be that blend and adult kids can be just as bad as younger ones, right? 

I found a man I truly love and want to be with - so I just need to find a way to incorporate his kids in I guess.  Thoughts or advice anyone - other than don't marry him.....I'm looking for solid advice on how to make this work.

Comments

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Fri, 05/25/2018 - 9:43am

I would not marry him until he accepts that you cannot be fully engaged with his daughters and is willing to be satisfied with what you can offer.  One of them is an adult and the other is close to being one; your not being fully engaged doesn't seem like it should be a dealbreaker for him.  

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Fri, 05/25/2018 - 10:10am

Speaking as a SM: While I love my DH very much and this is mostly about how I feel and the things I deal with internally I find it VERY hard at times to be in a marriage/relationship where I don't like his kids. (adult girl skids) In an ideal world they would not exist. Well ideally they would be normal people who I could get along with and everyone would be happy. DH may not feel the same way but it's the constant elephant in the room. There's always heightened stress around holidays or when DH's family is coming to town. Not sure if this is normal for those in my situations or if my anxiety makes it worse. I don't like that he doesn't have his "normal" or "usual" relationship that he would have with his kids if it wasn't for me. I don't like that I have to worry about his kids being part of my life.

Speaking as a BM: I have been disappointed in DH's lack of involvement in my own minor BS's life. Though I should have "known better" seeing he isn't that active with his own kids part of me hoped that he would step up or change or something. They do get along and they have their own relationship and they get along but I don't have the family feel. Sometimes I do. But I function 90% as a single mom. So for me as a mom it does break my heart sometimes that it's not the life that I wanted.

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Fri, 05/25/2018 - 10:32am

Seems to me that SO is way too involve in BM2's life.  Why would he get after SS for being bad and ruining the marriage?  He has nothing to do with the success or failure of his mom's marriage.  Boundary crossed there IMO.  

SO needs to realize that it's too late for you to have any impact on the skids.  His main concern should be that they treat you with respect and that your are HIS wife, first and foremost, not a replacement mom for the skids.  The best you can do is be support for SO.  Get both of your fantasies out on the table of what you expect this marriage to look like then go from there on what you each are willing or not willing to do.  If he still is putting expectations on you that you are not willing to take on, then maybe some counseling will help sort them out.  

As much as you can preplan and outline expectations and boundaries, reality still creeps in and new things pop up you never considered.  Keep the marriage priority #1 and use that to keep you on track for a solid marriage.  Kids are suppose to grow up and move on.  Thank God for that!