For every time I think I might rise above and forgive BM for what she did to SS9, something happens that I just can't.
This morning I held SS9 on my lap as he woke up - a ritual we have had every morning since he was 6 - and today he looked in my eyes and said "Please don't ever leave me." It broke my heart. Even now, on my lunch break I am hurting.

There is some story to this:
When SS9 was 2 (?), BM put both boys in the car and drove to my MIL's house and dropped them off. It was raining, her roof was leaking, and a pipe had burst in the laundry room. Rather than throw a tarp on the roof and turn the water off the main, she panicked and drove the kids to MIL. She continued to let the water soak the house and went to her boyfriend's house - DH was in Afghanistan at the time (very beginning of the war).
She never returned to pick them up.
DH came home 8 months later and picked up the boys from his mother. He tried to take emergency leave but at that point in the war, it was very hard to do so unless someone died.
7 years later, SS9 still talks about the "leaky pipe" and being left behind by BM.

So this morning I continued to hold SS9 and said "I will not leave you unless I know Dad can take care of you while I am gone ok?" He smiled and put his head back on my shoulder.
All I can do is hold him but I feel so powerless.
I am a technician. I fix computers, radios, radars, and expensive equipment for the military.
Children are more valuable than some stupid war fighting equipment but I feel like I can't fix SS9.

PS - BM's water leak was reported by the neighbor as water flowed out the front door three days later and then it was shut off. DH came home to his ruined home.