I am not sure at what point in these past few months I came to this resolution but somehow I have finally gone from anger and hatred to pity and sorrow for BM. Perhaps this is because it is exhausting and stupid to stay angry forever?

I still have a hard time forgiving her for all that she has done to SS9 and how she continues to dote on SS11. But it isn't bitter hatred anymore. I would say in the past month or so - and I am sure the court case has been a big part of it - I have come to accept that SS9 is my son and I love him more than his BM ever will. He has my sense of humor, my mannerisms, my perspective on things, and all of my DH in him. I know that I did not give birth to him but the thought of him not in my life is devastating. SS11 and I are working on a relationship and I am okay with that.

I read "My Sister's Keeper" by Jodi PIccoult and it was one of those books - even though Piccoult is a big sap - that had a great impact on me. Would I give up blood for these boys that I didn't give birth to? Would I do whatever I could to save them? Would I somehow design a baby to save their lives if they had a bizarre terminal form of cancer? Obviously I can't make a genetic replica but I do love them so very much.

Something has to be said about a type of love that grows and matures with two strangers. These boys were two kids that I had no connection to almost 7 years ago. Through loving their father, I think that is how I grew to love them. If I didn't love their father, I just don't see how I would have dropped those walls to get to know them you know? They are both so much like him.

I am not saying that BM is peachy and I want to be friends. Please do not misunderstand. But I have noticed I am blogging less and less here. I posted the other night but it wasn't one of those FULL OF RAGE posts like in the past.

I am just thankful that I have grown to this point.