To The Dads of our Skids
We were at Cold Stone Creamery yesterday and I saw a man and a little girl having ice cream. They had to be related because she looked JUST LIKE HIM.
I thought of ST and how this guy was probably a father with visitation so he took his kid for ice cream. He didn't have a wedding ring on and he looked as if he had been crying.
Obviously, I could be way off. Maybe he was the older brother and she the really little sister. Maybe he had allergies. Maybe he had just kidnapped her. Who knows.
But I thought of ST and how many fathers do not see their children enough due to possessive or territorial BMs - via the SMs on here and how they relate their stories - and I felt incredible empathy.
DH told me to stop being a sap and I was probably way wrong .... but to the DH's who try to see their kids and feel guilty for not being with them so they try to "buy" affection, you have my condolences, whatever that may be worth.
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Comments
Well, then, I am a
Well, then, I am a disneyland Stepmom because I sometimes take SD out to Cold Stone creamery.
Maybe he's just a dad trying to spend time with his daughter and treated her to an ice cream cone!!
Not every act of a purchase is due to "disneyland" motivations...
It's just sad that some fathers are damned if they do and damned if they don't.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
I completely agree that not
I completely agree that not all purchases are "disneyland" motivators.
That was not the point of my blog.
It was an eye opener for ME to be able to see from those that have to "buy" affection, even if this guy was not doing that. It's all they have! Especially if you can't see your child because some wolf won't let her pup out of the den.
not cool perg I think of
not cool perg
I think of these Dads all the time, especially on the weekends when you see them with the kids , no ring, no wife, trying to get the most of the little time. Alot of them show alot of affection, touching and really focusing in on the kids. You know they are weekend Dads.
They appreciate the time they do have.
When a dad takes his kid out
When a dad takes his kid out and buys something, it's called Disney Land Dad...when custodial parent does it is called "using the child support on her kid"...when a dad does NOT go out with kids or buy them anything it's called "a deadbeat who pays cs but never buys anything extra for the kids or does anything with them"...when a mom receives CS and doesn't do anything with the kids it's "being a hardworking mom who uses the money wisely and child support doesn't leave her with enough to do anything with her kids..."
OMG herwegoagain, I could
OMG herwegoagain, I could not agree more, nicely said I am going to keep this one...
I think that perg this
I think that perg this entire blog in a different direction, its not about Disney Dads, or ice cream, I think its more about the turmoil alot of BM may give her ex. How the time the Dad has with the kids is so important to him.
EXACTLY MY POINT. And it
EXACTLY MY POINT.
And it breaks my heart.
x
x
I'm a disney,guilt mommy
I'm a disney,guilt mommy then. I buy my son and my sd ice cream and other treats all the time. They are good kids and as long as they are good kids and I have the funds, I'll always be a disney mommy. They have to put their money into their savings accts and aren't allowed to take it out til they are 18...so as long as they keep putting money into savings,I feel good treating them. It isn't about guilt...it makes me feel good to give them some of the things they want. My mother was the same with me and it wasn't from guilt and had nothing to do with buying love.
That wasn't the point!!!! I
That wasn't the point!!!!
I was saying that I felt empathy for this man!
There is nothing wrong with buying your kids stuff! It's called supplying the economy!
I don't think anyone thought
I don't think anyone thought you were saying he is disneyland, I think the responses are in response to sterperg's comment, no worries.
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Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.
I got that
I got that
I can't say I agree with
I can't say I agree with guilt-parenting, but I do feel empathy for a lot of these dads. I think the court system does a really good job of screwing up the relationship between a divorced dad and his child(ren) by only granting the dad EOW visitation and limiting the dad's rights. This results in many guys feeling like they have to be Disneyland Dads, which results in many SMs getting angry and kids turning out badly.
I think that it's great for people to do nice things for their kids, to talk to the kids about their feelings and spend one-on-one time with each of them, but the same people also need to be parents too, i.e. calling their child(ren) act inappropriately towards anyone, including us SMs.
I didn't (and would never) want DH to stop being close to and loving with his kids. I just wanted him to call them out on bad behavior when necessary. Thankfully, he's now doing that, and all of us are much better because of it.
I agree, Anon. Stepparents
I agree, Anon. Stepparents have a really tough gig. But the non-custodial parents (who are mostly the dads) have it tough, too. It makes my heart hurt to see how my DH has been pushed to the role of second-class parent. He is such an afterthought -- because the courts gave BM sole physical custody, and him only visitation, and because BM sees him as only a child support check. And mind you, this is a man who was a stay at home dad and raised his daughter from birth to 5+.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
I'm a disney mama and a
I'm a disney mama and a disney step-mom too.... wouldn't have it any other way. My kids are all good and they deserve what they get.
And I do get exactly what the OP is saying too.....
Meeee toooo! I spoil my kids
Meeee toooo! I spoil my kids when they deserve it. And DAMN it, I have good kids...anyone wanna go to Disneyland with us this weekend? Oh wait, we are going to Palm Springs. Maybe next time
The OP made my eyes tear up. I can only imagine what was going through that poor guys mind. Makes me want to go hug DH, remembering all of the times BM wouldn't "allow" him to have SS for more than a few hours at a time. DH was living with my sister at the time (renting a room from her) and there was nothing there for SS to do, he was 1. So when he DID have him, he took him to the park, or out for ice cream... took him to the zoo. Disneyland dad... maybe. But he was doing the best that he could at that time. I hate thinking there are other parents out there that feel like DH did at that time. It was horrible to watch. Ripped my heart out every time he had to take SS to BM's house. They both cried (DH and SS) and BM would go on and on about how she wants him back. A crappy situation for anyone to be in. Sad.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~
this makes me really sad.
this makes me really sad. my brother had his son and daughter this weekend. He wanted to take them shopping but he can't. he is 28 years old and he can barely buy their birthday gifts. my mom has to help him with everything. after child support he brings home a whopping $98 a week. He also has bills he can't pay. Today he asked my mom if she could put away some money and he would give her like $10 a week until their next visitation so HE can take his own kids shopping. In the meantime - his ex is a full-time teacher...she and her husband just built a brand new house with an inground swimming pool, they have 3 vehicles including one with TV's built in the backseats, yet - she is constantly taking him back to court over and over again to get her CS raised...maybe that guy really was about to burst into tears because he had to borrow the money from his mother to take his own little girl to get ice cream? You never know...
Exactly. This site really
Exactly.
This site really gives you perspective.
The comments seemed to have
The comments seemed to have taken a bit of a swerve, but I know how the OP feels - since I've been with OH I've noticed far more the dads with their kids on a weekend - often struggling to find things to do that won't cost a fortune.
"God never gives us more than we can cope with, I just wish he didn't have such faith in me!"
I totally got what she was
I totally got what she was saying. Forgive me for projecting my own frustration onto the OP's blog...I just get tired of hearing "guilt parenting" and "disney parenting". It's old and everytime I see it, I'm like...hmmm I'm a disney mom and i'm tired of feeling bad about that just because someone else doesn't like it or has skids that are spoiled.
Sorry for the hijack,OP
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"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
"Never let the hand you hold, hold you down." ~Aut
*blush* thanks
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"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."
"Never let the hand you hold, hold you down." ~Aut
My BF parents the guilty
My BF parents the guilty parent way but he has his daughter almost 100% of the time. In his case it more obsession with making his daughter happy. She is his whole reason for being.
I am so sorry to hear that
I am so sorry to hear that .... I hope YOU love YOU and YOUR soul is YOUR whole reason for being.
But I feel like that about
But I feel like that about my child. I truly feel like my purpose in life is being perfectson's mama. He is my reason for everything I do. Is there anything really wrong with that? My mom feels that way about me and my brother and sister too and my parents have been married for 42 years.
We are all entitled to feel
We are all entitled to feel as we do. It is part of what makes us humans right?
DH used to live for our skids like this and guess what happened when he had to leave them with BM for a year? He spiraled into a deep depression and couldn't figure it out until he got them back.
Now, while he prioritizes the kids in his life, he also takes time to love himself like periodically get manicures or buys HIMSELF ice cream once in a while or goes cycling on his own. He is a happier man for it and the kids love that it too because he is more calm.
The lesson I guess is: HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO BE LOVED IF YOU CANNOT LOVE YOURSELF OR SHOW YOURSELF APPRECIATION?
You have to find other reasons for living besides children. This is why empty nest occurs and so on ...
In the end it is up to you. But for the lady above, if her BF puts the kids ahead of her, she may come to feel resentment and that her BF does not love HER.
But really, why do you think
But really, why do you think you have to find another reason for living besides children. I honestly don't understand that. Sure, I'm going to have an insane case of empty nest syndrome. But then I can look towards the future of having grandchildren one day and then it just carries on in my mind. No big deal of course, but I see how much my parents love their 2 grandchildren and I can look forward to days like that as well. That's just what works for me. I personally cannot and will not ever put anyone else in front of my son. But that's just me.
Nothing wrong with that....
Nothing wrong with that.... Everyone rolls a different way....I don't live for my children...I live with them. That doesn't mean I don't love them. I would die for my kids but I don't worship them.....I don't allow them to control my life. It is my job to guide them through life...to make them productive people and to have values and good work ethics. It is my purpose to have a happy HOME not just happy kids.
THAT is exactly what I am
THAT is exactly what I am saying. Grow with them.
All kids step or bio given
All kids step or bio given the opportunity will try to play all sides to get what they want. Stepkids are not inherently bad kids - it's up to the parents to make them accountable.
I empathize with Bio parents who are not the custodial parent - I'm married to one. He fought but could not stop his ex from moving with his daughter to another state shortly after the divorce. He did everything in his power and in his wallet to fight that move and he lost.
Did he and does he parent by guilt? Yes, sometimes and it has hurt his daughter. She lacks maturity and determination - it's easier for her to ask her father for something rather than work for it. Does it bother me that he does this, sure. But who am I to judge? I'm here in this marriage to help him and sometimes that means putting up with my SD's drama. I do have boundaries and through a lot of communication DH and I are on the same team. At times, DH and I agree to disagree. I respect and encourage his relationship with SD and he respects my boundaries. It's not perfect but it works for us.
Glynne