BM in my home = panic attack
I'm just wondering how we can POLITELY say no to BM when she wants to use our bathroom or get a glass of water from our kitchen.. SO and I always feel like we can't say no!
The other day when I came home from work and unlocked the front door, I heard voices in the kitchen, I was totally confused, and thought maybe SO had invited a friend over?!!
I walked into my kitchen to find BM getting some water with SO standing there, and SS2 running around their feet. I knew we had SS overnight that night, but I thought SO was picking him up from BM like he normally does.
I didnt know BM was dropping SS off, and I certainly didnt know she'd be in my kitchen drinking from one of my glasses. It was totally unexpected. (BELIEVE me, SO got it in the neck later for forgetting to tell me she was dropping SS off)
I managed to stay calm, put on a fake smile (like all 3 of us always do whenever we're in the same room) and make small talk, and then she left.
Later on I spoke to SO about how upset I was about it, turns out she did her usual "can I get some water" while standing at the door. I said:
"Whenever she asks to use the bathroom, I worry in case I haven't put away my ovulation tests, or if there's a pregnancy test in there.. I constantly have to be aware of hiding private things that lie around the house, just in case she comes in when I don't expect her to. Whenever she asks to get some water, I worry that the kitchen is a mess.. If I know ahead of time when people are coming over, I can tidy up. She is a stranger in my home, and.. Nothing is mine. Nothing is mine. Nothing is mine. Nothing is mine."
ok that's when a regular conversation got scary. I have no idea what happened, it's like all of a sudden I was a record player that got stuck on repeat, then I suddenly started hyperventilating. I suffer from anxiety, (I worry about pretty much everything) ..but I haven't had a panic attack for many, many years, I'd forgotten what they were like.
It was awful, and hyperventilating seemed to last forever. I managed to calm myself though, and as soon as my breathing was back under control, I felt real dizzy and had tingly hands.. then I just burst into tears because it had been such a horrible experience.
SO just held me, and looked after me the rest of the night, he was really worried and had quite a fright himself, he'd never seen me have a panic attack (like I said I haven't had one in many years, since way before I met him) and he just didn't say anything else about BM the rest of the evening..
I didn't want to talk about it anymore either, as 1) I was EXHAUSTED ..and 2) I suddenly felt really, really stupid, and pure and simple embarrassed, because, all that had really happened was; I came home to find her in my house. That's it. And here I was making a big deal about it, I just felt really stupid 
We want to have a polite civil relationship with BM, so what do we say when she invites herself in? What can we say to deter her from coming into our home?
When BM picks SS2 up, SO always has SS ready with his shoes and coat on at the door. SO opens the door to BM when she knocks, SS is all ready to go, SO goes to say bye to SS, then it all goes out the window when BM asks politely if she can use the bathroom. Or get a glass of water from the kitchen.
She does this aaall the time. Surely noone can drink and pee that much? What do we say when she asks for bathroom or water?!! Surely denying her these things for basic survival is wrong? I don't know?
We would like to know what to do to remain CIVIL and polite. I'm not sure if my opening up emotionally to her about this would be an idea? But then I worry about the consequences of that.. I don't want her to think she bothers me in the slightest.
I mean she's never done anything truly terrible, so if she ever said to any of our mutual friends "Sunny won't allow me into SOs home, I'm only allowed to drop SS at the door and then leave" then I worry that they will think I'm a horrible person.
Maybe I should just learn to deal with it Please, any advice? I need some ideas on what to do. Thanks for reading.
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You say, "There's a restroom
You say, "There's a restroom in the gas station on the corner" and close the door.
She should NOT be in your home.
She's using the bathroom and water excuses to get inside and snoop/insert herself into your life.
It needs to stop and your SO is the one who needs to stop it.
Don't feel silly for reacting
Don't feel silly for reacting the way you did. Stepfamilies are like a mine field and even if things are relatively *okay* its STILL stressful because you have to negotiate how you talk to people, what you do, how you do it, really sensitively and constantly have to *think*. It's frankly exhausting and particularly if you are dealing with a difficult BM and/or skids. Stressful indeed.
I would not like my *safe* space i.e. my home, to be invaded by those stressful issues. I always think that your home is your area where you can be who you want to be and not have to constantly be on edge watching your back (although having the skids in your house can be like this sadly).
I think you and SO are sensible in not wanting to inflame BM and the situation further, esp since you all are relatively amicable (except for her passive aggression, by not wanting to tell BM to "f*ck off no you can't use the loo/have a glass of water". However at the same time, she IS invading your personal space and imo she's going it deliberately to snoop, to cause anxiety, to be inappropriate and force her existence all over your life (like she doesn't occupy enough space anyway) and its NOT acceptable for her to act in this manner. My advice would be to take the higher road and respond when she does this with a remark already prepared.
Coach SO to also have some handy deflecting remarks when she asks to come in for whatever - e.g. "Sorry, now is not a good time. Bye" shut the door gently but quickly. "Sorry, I am just on my way out and I am in a rush. Bye." Grab ss and shut the door quickly. Just do a variation of the above suggestions EVERY.SINGLE.TIME she asks to use toilet/have a drink. If BM demands why not, just continual repeat you are going out/its not a good time sorry and you have to go. Be polite, be firm and do NOT crumble. Be prepared BM may adapt her approach to gain access to your home though, so if she says she not feeling well - say the above, if she is desperate - advise her to use a public rest room.
^^^THIS!!!!^^^ It will be
^^^THIS!!!!^^^ It will be over my cold dead body before skid's bitch BM ever lays one tiny toe across my threshold. Not no but HELLLLLLL NO.
Can you arrange for the
Can you arrange for the pickup & drop-off to take place somewhere else? Maybe meet at Walmart or something like that? They have a bathroom & bottled water.
That would break the cycle she seems to have gotten used to.
Even if she did tell people she's only allowed to drop SS at the door & leave, that doesn't make you a horrible person. That makes you a person with appropriate boundaries. She has no business coming into your home. She needs to get a drink of water & go potty before she leaves to come to your house. If she doesn't, she can do it when she gets back home. If she can't wait that long, she can stop at a gas station & use theirs.
I would piss myself before I'd ever step into BM's house to use her bathroom...or anything else. The fact that your BM feels so comfy in your home indicates that she lacks any sense of boundaries.
Polite means not inviting yourself into someone else's home. Respecting boundaries is what allows people to keep things civil & polite.
^^^This is exactly what I'd
^^^This is exactly what I'd tell you. Meet at a neutral place close by so it's not inconvenient, plus she has no excuse to just come inside your home. Boundaries need to be put in place and respected and your home is your sanctuary - as such it should remain BM-free.
I'd throw a living shit fit if BM ever came into our apartment. Hell, I wouldn't even want her at my door. No reason for it.
WTF ? Shes doing that for a
WTF ? Shes doing that for a reason, I am a BM and I would NEVER want to even set foot in my ex DH's house, it would just be wierd. That is him and his GF's home and it would just be awkward.
She is coming into YOUR home, your DH had a relationship with her and I'm sure it wasn't all peaches and cream which is why they arent together so I dont understand where him being uncomfortable comes from. HE needs to address the situation, "Stupid bitch ex wife, please respect boundaries in our home and use the bathroom elsewhere" and buy her a 24 pack of bottled water and hand it to her next time she comes over. That is YOUR house, she is trying to intimidate you and she does it cause she knows it bothers you. My spineless jellyfish DH can definitely be an asshole to the array of exes that have tried poking noses in and out of our lives, especially if it brought me to the point of a having a panic attack. I would tell him to get in her ass and politely let her know to stay out!
Or leave the water in the
Or leave the water in the side yard, next to a toilet she's welcome to use at her leisure. If you're feeling generous, you could leave a copy of Ladies Home Journal. You know, something to occupy her, but not something so interesting she'll be tempted to linger.
If she had to use the
If she had to use the bathroom once or twice, that's one thing. But if she's doing this every single time she comes over, then yes, I would say she's probably trying to snoop and she is invading your space, and you and DH should put a stop to it. No need to say something rude. Just block her from entering the house and use a different excuse each time. "We're getting ready to spray pesticide" or "We just broke a lamp and there's glass all over the floor" or "Sorry, the place is a mess" or "Sorry, SO is getting ready to take a shower and isn't decent right now." It doesn't matter what you say, just make sure DH is very firm EVERY SINGLE TIME and that he absolutely REFUSES to let BM in the house. It's like training a dog, you have to be consistent and firm. That doesn't mean you need to be rude to BM. DH has to be on the same page or this will never work.
Echo, I love reading your
Echo, I love reading your wise advice on STalk, and have learnt a lot from you, but I feel like I've got to stick up for myself slightly here!
Of course I know how to say the word "no" ..I keep SS2 in line and have done since he was a few months old. The difference between disciplining a child and a fully grown woman who *petrifies* me, is immense.
And yes, she does petrify me. I don't want to cause trouble with her. She has the power to make my life miserable *forever* ..please don't say "don't give her that power then" because she already has it, and it rules my life. My anxiety, plus BM, is bad. Real bad.
I've tried countless times to post on STalk about how to deal with my feelings with her, and I get tremendous support from women saying "me too, join the club" etc. but nothing concrete to actually help me deal with it. I see a counsellor once a week but I just feel like I can't deal with BM.
''you need to ask yourself
''you need to ask yourself why he would let her into your home when he knows it causes you to become totally freaked out and miserable. You should come first. Each and every time.''
that just made me cry. you know what SO said after my panic attack, to make me feel better? "its YOUR home, and you should be able to leave anything wherever you want to. Leave your tests out in the bathroom. It doesnt matter what she thinks."
at the time, him saying that made me feel a bit better, I must have been exhausted after my attack, and not thinking straight. but reading what you just wrote, made me think about it again..
by saying that, did he actually mean he was going to continue to allow BM into my home? you know something, I actually think thats what he meant.. huh. hmm.
do you think it should be SO that says something? I'm feeling stronger now that I'm getting so much advice on here, what do you think of me trying to say something/ oh gosh, it would be terrible if I cried while trying to say it though.. whyyy am I so freaked out by her.
Your husband needs to stop
Your husband needs to stop this. Only he can....She never has a need to be in the house...NEVER!!!
I had a situation with BM shortly after moving in. Long story, but let's say I was home recovering from surgery and someone came in the house. Freaked me out, was SS and BM (she stayed downstairs or in the garage, no clue). He forgot something. Well turned out she had the damn garage door programmed in her car and had been using it for years to let the kids in when DH wasn't home. Let's just say DH got a screaming match to end all, when I figured it out. He was on the ladder then next day changing the code. Also, installed an alarm system to let me know when every door opened in the house.
YOU have to stand up for yourself and not tolerate this. BM has never been in my home since. I have issues with her being in the driveway, but I can let that go. Another year and SS is driving and she never needs to be here again.
You have a 2 year old SS, you need to set boundaries now. You have years ahead of you on this. He is an ass, for not telling BM that she is not welcome in your home.
I don't think it's in poor
I don't think it's in poor taste to ask to use someone's restroom. Manners and etiquette dictate that you don't make someone feel uncomfortable for needing to use the facilities. However in this case BM's behavior is pretty ridiculous - every single time? It's obvious she just wants to snoop around!!
''Manners and etiquette
''Manners and etiquette dictate that you don't make someone feel uncomfortable for needing to use the facilities.''
thats exactly what I'm worrying about! Its not every single time, I'd say its about 70% of the time. so I'm not sure if she really does have a weak bladder or what!!!
Then again, my own elderly mother, who has had many problems "down there" even several bladder operations poor thing, would be able to hold it! COME ON BM WTF!
This is spectacular.. "I'm
This is spectacular..
"I'm sorry BM, but every time you drop off SS you ask to come in the house. I'm starting to become uncomfortable with it, especially considering our history. I don't mean to be rude, but I don't think it's an unusually request that you relieve your bladder and properly hydrate before you leave your house so that I don't always feel like my personal and private items are up for inspection every time you show up."
She should never be in your
She should never be in your home. NEVER. Also, you never have a reason to talk to her or communicate in anyway. I did a couple of times early on and nothing good ever came out of it. Now there is no reason and it has been 2 years. I suffer from panic attacks, and understand completely. Just set a boundary with DH and he needs to tell her that she is not welcome in the house. Drop offs take place outside.
I can understand some SMs on
I can understand some SMs on STalk would never want BM to come into their homes, as they sound truly awful, causing all sorts of trouble etc
But like I said she's never actually done anything truly terrible, all she did was say a few mean/hurtful things to me when SO and I first got together.. Since then she's kept her distance and we've all been "fake nice"
I'm not sure I have the courage to all of a sudden after years of putting up with this, to say something! She will be all "What's changed?! Why can't I pee? Why can't I get some water?!"
The discomfort you feel from
The discomfort you feel from her being in your home (invading YOUR personal space) comes from the fact that you recognize a boundary is being crossed. Respecting boundaries is what allows us to maintain civil relationships with people.
She has no place in your home. Your home is the one place you should be able to relax & escape from the ugly of the outside.
A cycle has been created. She comes to your home, invades your space & then leaves. That's why I suggested you break that habit by meeting her away from your home. Tell her you're going to Walmart (or wherever) & explain that it would be more convenient for you to meet there. That way it never progresses to the point of her requesting to step foot in your home. It never becomes an issue. It never comes down to you having to refuse her entry into your space.
You don't have to say anything. She's your DH's ex. Let him deal with her...but NOT in your home.
Ok. I understand that you
Ok. I understand that you don't want BM in your home but you lack the courage to tell her so or make a scene.
#1 - your DH should NEVER and I mean NEVER of allowed BM in the house with him there and not you! That was my number 1 rule to DH - our house or hers.
IMO, he should have said "Sorry BM but you cannot come into the house unless Sunny is here. period - end of story.
#2 - I would do the whole fake nice thing back to her.
Next time she ask for a drink of water or bathroom I would say to her "BM, have you had your glucous levels checked lately?". "I noticed that you usually need a drink or have to use the bathroom when you pick up SS and frequent urination and thirst is a sign of diabetes".
If she denies it then say "Well, I am so very concerned about your health and the fact that you have to pee or have a drink everytime you pick up SS." "It is only a ---- minute drive and I really think you need to see a doctor about this".
Or
"BM, are you having bladder problems, it seems like you have to use the bathroom alot".
Say this to her EVERY single time she ask.
Oh, and have a talk with your DH about letting BM in the home when you are not there!
Because it makes you
Because it makes you uncomfortable. That is all you have to say....As my girlfriends tell me all the time, PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES AND JUST DO IT!
Ugh...I used to have the most
Ugh...I used to have the most awkward pick up and drop off conversations too, back when DH and I lived in the same state. BM actually asked me for a tampon once when we were picking up from her house...seriously? You can't keep track of stocking your own sanitary products?
I hope you can find a way to meet somewhere else to exchange the kid, I think that's a great idea. She has no business poking around in your things.
What worked for me? Moving 1000 miles away. Now we get greeted by a friendly flight attendant who is assigned to the unaccompanied minors on the flight.
Sunny thats why you have to
Sunny thats why you have to close the door quickly as poss to shut down any opportunity for BM to question "why" she can't do x. If she does manage to get these questions in, then you and SO should NOT answer them. Just repeat "sorry its inconvenient right now." If she continues, then you tell her "I have already answered you. Got to go" and shut the door or simply shut the door.
Why can't I pee? Why can't I
Why can't I pee? Why can't I get some water?!"
To which I would reply, "You CAN pee and you CAN get some water at the gas station down the street." I mean, really, she's that thirsty that she has to get water at your place? She is definitely doing this on purpose.
Surely denying her these things for basic survival is wrong?
Where do you live that her survival depends on using your bathroom and water source?
You do not need to explain to anybody why you will not let them in your house. Period.
Your SO should tell her, before it even happens again, to knock this crap off.
Or, he needs to watch for her and meet her at the car with SS so you do not even have to deal with her at all. He can tell her to go home and drink and pee all she wants.
If you want to be more polite about it, SO can just tell her it is not a comfortable situation when she comes into your home and stop asking.
there are garages nearby
there are garages nearby where I live, (and no, its not hot here either, so she wouldnt die of dehydration or anything!) I was just wondering if it would be really bad of us to say ''no you are not allowed to relieve or hydrate yourself''
and like I said, SO has SS ready to go, every single time, he watches for her car, and as shes parking, he gets SS to the front door. She can see SS is all ready to go, she still asks to come in anyway.
Exactly my point, she is not
Exactly my point, she is not going to die if you do not let her pee and drink in your house.
Don't even give her time to get out of the car. SO can take SS to the car and if she still asks to come in, he can tell her that it's just not a good idea. Period.
Really, let your SO deal with her and tell her, "No."
Our BM does the same thing.
Our BM does the same thing. She never drives but on the few occasions that she does, she always needs to use our bathroom. And then she thinks nothing of strolling around the house making comments. Drives me insane. I told SO I don't want her through the door anymore. I shouldn't have to feel awkward in my own home.
I guess I'm just a bitch but
I guess I'm just a bitch but if BM were to ever knock on my door and proceed to stroll in asking for ANYTHING, I'd promptly remove her from my home and tell her she's NOT WELCOME here. PERIOD. I don't see what the big ffffing deal is.
Do you go strolling through her home asking for water or to use her facilities? Why should SHE get to do that then?
I know how hard it is to say
I know how hard it is to say no. I know how you feel guilty and ashamed for being mean because you were taught to try and comply with reasonable requests because that's what nice people do. To be honest, in your shoes, I probably wouldn't be able to say no either.
But you have to try, and if not you, your DH has to. My DH has no problem telling people "No" and least of all BM. I see myself being the one who will go--"It's okay, no really, please don't overreact DH, just let her."
But, like you, I also have to learn how to say No if I want to be healthy emotionally too.
Yeah I met my EX when we
Yeah I met my EX when we lived in the same state at a local police station. If a police station is to harsh then anywhere public is suitable!
Boundaries should have been
Boundaries should have been set up from day one! Your husband should be responsible for telling her she is NOT allowed for any reason inside your residence this is not appropriate! She's just seeing how much she can get away with, and walking all over you like she's still incharge of her ex!
I would have the kids ready for pick up waiting on the porch when she drove up! I wouldn't give her a chance to get out of her vehicle before sending the kids running back to her! Or vise versa be outside waiting on them when they arrived. There is no need for her to even leave the vechile then!
^^^Perfect. Don't set her up
^^^Perfect. Don't set her up to get to the door! Have the kids waiting at the end of the driveway as she pulls up or meet at a neutral location.
ewww that made me feel kinda
ewww that made me feel kinda sick ewww the thought of her peeing in my home eeeewwwww I HATE this
The flip side - (BM side) of
The flip side - (BM side) of my situation: when I go home to Michigan and have to swing by my DD15's place, I usually just park on the street and text her that I'm there. It's my ex's GIRLFRIEND that invites me in. I go in only to see my daughter's room and my dog (he's 13 and still lives with them because I didn't want to split him and DD up - they were raised together).
His live in gf and I have a civil relationship but I know she hates the fact that I lost all the weight and he's mentioned in front of her that I look exactly like I did when we met in high school. I'm respectful of their space when I'm there and since my DD's room is basically the first room on the right when you walk in the front door, I limit my stay to that room, see what she wants me to see, hang with my dog for a few mins and then we're out the door.
She (his gf) invites me in or I would simply visit with my dog out in the yard and wait on my daughter. I would NEVER impose on them by just showing up at their door and asking for things. If she in the future has a problem with me coming in or stops inviting me in, I'll just stay in the car!
Even as far as it being safe
Even as far as it being safe & clean, though, there has to be a certain amount of trust that your child's other parent is capable of taking care of him.
There's a good chance the other parents standards for their home will fall short of your standards for their home anyway. Why open that up? I don't think that concern entitles an ex to entry & inspection of the other parents home.
I realize that that isn't the message you intended with that thought, but it's the impression I would be left with if DH's ex wanted to come in to ensure that our home was clean & safe.
Unlike OP, I wouldn't hesitate to tell her to leave or I'd be calling the police.
I feel for you, panic attacks
I feel for you, panic attacks are horrible. Have DH be the bad guy and have him tell her no...its for YOUR own good.
I've never had to deal with BM coming into my home. She once came to our old apartment and I watched my SS walk down the stairs to her and then checked on him a couple of times. I really was afraid she was going to pack him up and take him home, DH was running an errand with the other skid. When DH got home he had just gotten off the phone with BM complaining that I treated her like a criminal with HER son....lol....DH told her that if I didn't check on the skid she'd be complaining that I didn't watch him. Can't win for losing....
BM has never once dropped off the skids or picked them up, she says she has no idea where we live...makes it very convienent for us to do all the driving. If she ever did I'd half expect that the skids would invite her in to see their room and their toys...DH and I are on the same page with this one....NO. We have never been invited in her home.
ok reading all of your
ok reading all of your responses has made me feel a bit stronger. And maybe a little braver than I was a few hours ago! Thankyou all so much.
I know most of you have suggested SO being the one to speak to her, and I usually let him say the things that are on my mind regarding SS, I dont speak to her unless its something like “its cold out huh”
but ..as its going to be obvious that I'M the reason she's suddenly not allowed to use our facilities, I'm wondering if it should come straight from me anyway? Otherwise, she'll outright know that I'm asking SO to have a word with her, and I don't want her to think I'm intimidated by her (I totally am, but I dont want her to know that lol) what do you think?
My absolute favorite so far (thanku missstresss) is something like "I'm sorry BM, but every time you drop off SS you ask to come in the house. I'm starting to become uncomfortable with it, especially considering our history. I don't mean to be rude, but I don't think it's an unusually request that you relieve your bladder and properly hydrate before you leave your house so that I don't always feel like my personal and private items are up for inspection every time you show up."
or maybe thats a bit of a long sentence, something shorter? Sweeter? Oh man I hate this
You can be polite but make it
You can be polite but make it short. You do not owe her an explanation or even an apology.
"but ..as its going to be
"but ..as its going to be obvious that I'M the reason she's suddenly not allowed to use our facilities, I'm wondering if it should come straight from me anyway? Otherwise, she'll outright know that I'm asking SO to have a word with her, and I don't want her to think I'm intimidated by her (I totally am, but I dont want her to know that lol) what do you think?"
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IMO, your SO is the one who should address it. Even if she feels it's at your request, it will send the message that your feelings are important & that he stands behind you.
If it comes from you, she'll likely take it as you being bitchy & controlling. After all, HE let her in. Now YOU'd be the one saying no. It needs to be clear that HE will not allow that to happen again.
You mentioned that you were hesitant to speak up because you wanted to keep things civil & polite. The statement you posted above is snarky & will result in anything but civil or polite.
It's possible to keep peace & keep her out of your home if that's what you want to do, but that statement isn't going to do it.
oh dear yes I suppose you're
oh dear yes I suppose you're right, it could be interpreted as a bit snarky couldnt it :/ ..do you think SO should say it from both of our point of view? like..
"Sunny and I are starting to feel uncomfortable with you coming into our home, its crossing boundaries and I dont think its necessary. Also the issue of you using the bathroom here all the time, would it be possible to make sure you've used the bathroom before you arrive here? Thanks"
in other words if you really think it needs to come from SO, will you help me, to help SO know what to say! thanks again for all your help
Something as simple as "We
Something as simple as "We feel it's best if drop off & pickup ends at the door". Or "We feel it's best if SS comes to meet you in the car when you pick him up & we'll be happy to meet him at the door when you drop him off".
If she asks to come in your home, he can simply say "We'd rather you not". If she pushes beyond that, she isn't concerned about being civil or polite, & a stern "no" followed by the door closing will send the message as clearly as it can be sent.
She isn't entitled to explanations for why she isn't allowed to tread in YOUR space. "NO" is what she's entitled to. She's a big girl. She doesn't need suggestions for how to remedy her need to use your bathroom. She'll find one to use if she needs one.
How far does she live from you? I still think, because this pattern seems to have developed, maybe it'd be better just to offer to meet her somewhere between the two homes. That way, it doesn't come down to you refusing her requests, but rather you're relieving her of some drive time & fuel.
that all sounds really good.
that all sounds really good. but sometimes BM drops SS with me, as SO is still at work, should I say no to her as well? (she really does need to drop SS off with me here sometimes, theres no getting round it/ other option)
I realise you say she isnt entitled to explanations, but what do you think should be said if she says "why cant I?" do you think we should say "it makes us uncomfortable" ohhh no thats rude again I think.. right? oh I dont know blaaah! what do we say when she says why? surely saying NO would be classed as rude to her asking why? :/
and BM lives an hour away. I'll mention to SO the idea of driving halfway.. btw, "That way, it doesn't come down to you refusing her requests, but rather you're relieving her of some drive time & fuel." GENIUS.
Yes, if your SO isn't home,
Yes, if your SO isn't home, feel free to tell her no.
It's YOUR home. You have as much say as your SO does. I suggested he be the one to tell her because he was the one who let her in.
Honestly, she shouldn't have to be refused more than once for the point to be made clear. If she's refused & continues to ask why, tell her you respect her home as her space & you appreciate her respecting your home as your space.
IMO, disclosing your discomfort gives her an upper hand. No doubt her mind would be reeling through all of the times she's been in your home & giving her some kind of satisfaction to know that she had the power to make you feel that way in YOUR space. She isn't entitled to that. To some it may not be a big deal. Those are just my thoughts.
omigosh this is
omigosh this is gold:
"disclosing your discomfort gives her an upper hand. No doubt her mind would be reeling through all of the times she's been in your home & giving her some kind of satisfaction to know that she had the power to make you feel that way in YOUR space. She isn't entitled to that."
thankyou so much storm, you've really helped me think straight, and given me some great ideas of things to discuss with SO.
When someone means you harm
When someone means you harm like a lot of these BMs do, normal courtesy is thrown out the window.
You have to make yourself say No, and shut the door!! Even act a little crazy about it, so she gets the point... Don't EVER ask to come in my house bitch!!!
You can do it!!! Thank God my Bm lives 10,000 miles away!!
When she asks why she can't
When she asks why she can't come in look her in the eye and say:
"We have had several items go missing, and I know you don't want to be considered a suspect."