Dont know where to start..heart hurts
I have SOOO much I could blog about but I'll start with what just happened. I'm new to this site and so happy to have found it.
He has 3 boys, 16, 12 and 8. SS12 has a mild form of autism which I'm compassionate towards BUT it causes FI to baby him and he openly admits that he favors him. In fact he wants SS12 to live with us while he says the other 2 can stay with BM. This will never happen but it hurts and angers me that he is so blatantly favors him.
anyways, I have two grown daughters, the youngest turning 16 today. I've raised my children. Now the boys love me and tell me all the time I'm like a mom and I love them too. BUT before I met FI I did things on my weekends, I went out with friends..did my personal errands, even just relaxed and read a book. FI works on Saturdays from 7am to 7pm so if the boys are at our house I am in charge of them all day on Saturdays which leaves me with just Sundays to relax but than FI is home and all the kids so there really is no relaxing.
I've gently brought this up to FI and instead of understanding that I would like my alone time and relaxtion time (he has Mondays off with no kids so he gets his alone time)..he instead turns it on me making me feel that I dont like his kids and he even goes as far as comparing me to his EX who had no problem with watching the kids on his weekends (but she also had kids their ages too).
I dont know what to do..he is not good at communicating at all so there is no sitting down with him later. I either have to argue with him almost every weekend and be made to feel like IM in the wrong or just keep his kids. And that is another issue, his kids are not easy to deal with..the youngest is actually but the 12 yr old is difficult. He DOES have autism but very mild so he is aware of things he does..he hits SS8, pees his bed every night so I have to wash his sheets , comforter EVERY Saturday am, he is OBSESSED with food so he is ALWAYS asking to eat (last weekend he ate a whole box of 10 twinkies from Friday night to Saturday afternoon).
I'm miserable just thinking of the weekends.
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He needs to either change his
He needs to either change his schedule or not pick the kids up until he gets off work on Saturday. The visitation is not meant for the kids to just change houses every other weekend. It is meant for the NCP to have contact with the kids. If he's working, there's no contact. They're not there to see you. They are there to see him.
I wish it was that easy. The
I wish it was that easy. The boys all have their own rooms at our house so they call him every Thursday asking when he is picking them up on Friday. I've brought it up to him that it's not like he's missing time with them and he says yea but they like being at the house whether I'm there or not so they can play in their rooms.
I've tried every way of talking to him about it and he turns it around on me like I'm a bad person for wanting some alone time.
I am going through the exact
I am going through the exact same thing!! My DH works night shift every other weekend but he wants SS to come everyweekend!! WTF? I don't have a custody agreement! Ugh!!
Good luck to you!! I just brought this up to DH last night and we pretty much argued all night and he told me I don't like his son and he was disappointed in me! Well I'm disappointed with you and your lack of parenting...DH!
YES! Thank you..I dont even
YES! Thank you..I dont even mind if it was every weekend if maybe they got dropped off at like 4..at least I'd have my mornings. My daughter is gone almost every weekend yet I have to get up and cook for them at the break of dawn. So yea..he basically makes me feel like I'm horrible, he compares me to his ex saying "my ex never had a problem.." SO GO BACK WITH HER!!!!!
He tells me I have a problem with his SS12 which YEA I DO! but that has NOTHING to do with them coming over, it's about ME and MY time..and when we first met he DIDNT work every Sat so it's not like I knew what I was getting into. I'm at the point where I'm just gonna give up, keep my mouth shut. But when things dont get done, or I go out on a Sunday to do them, he better not have an issue.
What did he do BEFORE you got
What did he do BEFORE you got together? sigh
You have a guilty daddy on
You have a guilty daddy on your hands but then you already knew that:
Check out this self compiled symptom list. . .more than one? RUN!!!
That "you don't like my children" is a CLASSIC guilty daddy mantra taken right out of "How To Ruin Your Children By Pitying Them"
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
Also get the book "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin and read thoughly. Here's a primer on disengaging too: http://steptogether.org/help.html
He wasn't working on
He wasn't working on Saturdays before we got together. He puts a complete defensive wall whenever Thursdays come around. Than he throws in my face that he is good to my daughter and picks her up from school on his days off,etc. My daughter is 16 though.he doesn't have to "babysit" her. It has nothing to do with his kids and me not liking them. Yes I have issues with them at times like all kids but it has nothing to do with it..it has to do with ME having MY free time. They are NOT my kids they are HIS and BM's!
This is why I will never date
This is why I will never date much less marry anyone with young kids or any connection to their EX. I would tell DH to go screw himself they are his kids and if he wants them to be baby sitted he needs to hire a babysitter for them. Sounds like he has no respect for you and your wishes. Seems rather selfish to ask someone that had nothing to do with breeding these kids to tend to them every weekend.
Now how do I run a online personal that makes me sound like the nice caring man that I am while say that I am not interested in step kids or any kids for that matter? lol
Notice most of these people all have 3 plus kids too! Did it really take having 3 of them to realize your marriage wasn't working out?
Step parents get crapped on all the time and the bio parents can't see it ever. I sday let those that breed them worry about feeding them and taking care of them. I am not marrying any kids and that whole BS line they give you about how they love you like you are their BIO parent is pure 100% BS.
Ask him why he left his wonderful EX if she did all the things you don't want to? That is what I think is so funny the divorced parents all seem to think they and their kids are just so FKin wonderful. Well if you are all so wonderful why aren't you still with the other parent you bred them all with? Yeah not so perfect after all are you!
"Notice most of these people
"Notice most of these people all have 3 plus kids too! Did it really take having 3 of them to realize your marriage wasn't working out?"
**************JUMPING UP AND DOWN, CLAPPING WILDLY!!!****************************
THANK YOU for saying that!!! GG was SOOOO stupid to breed REPEATEDLY with the BEHEMOTH!! He KNEW she was a lousy wife and mother but kept staying in it "for the sake of the kids" (TM) This is the beotch that would never clean, cook or care for the children as a sit-on-her-ass mom the whole marriage. He would work two or three jobs just to keep bread on the table and allow his meddling MIL to call the shots (namely pro-Behemoth)!!! Then when he hurt himself on the job, the Behemoth told him to "go live with your brother" b/c she couldn't stand the thought of him being at home all day watching her do her usual all day TV watching or going out with the girls. She'd literally do laundry and then let it sour for days, then toss it into the dryer to bake that mildew right in!!!! :jawdrop:
And then he agreed to have a THIRD CHILD to "save the marriage" (TM) :jawdrop:
:sick: HOW STUPID CAN ONE GET???!!! ARRGHHHHH!!!!!
Very difficult. If his
Very difficult. If his children are keen to come over and spend time in your house I can see why your husband fears making them feel unwelcome by reducing their time in your home. Although custody arrangements are in place to allow parental access, in practice it often ends up as a territorial battle with the ex, with the non custodial parent desperate to maintain or increase time in their home even if they are delegating/sharing care with a partner. Separated parents can be very competitive about their relationships with their children, and non custodial Dad's can be desperately insecure about their ongoing relationship with their children and prone to ringfencing their time.
It's very hard to talk to a bioparent when they are on the defensive, pretty much anything you say no matter how you say it can be taken the wrong way resulting in them feeling under attack and increasingly resistant, and you feeling unheard, unappreciated and frustrated. It is a low blow on his part to cite his previous partners supposed willingness to take care of his children, particularly given that his Saturday working is a recent development so she was probably never in the same situation where she was sole carer for half of every weekend he had them. In any case it's a completely redundant point - they split up! I think your best options are either:
1. Accept the loss of your Saturdays, but quietly ringfence Sundays for yourself, and negotiate a date night with DH to make up for some of the lost time
2. Approach your DH with a compromise - tell him his circustances ARE different now he works Saturdays, you want to be supportive but you need him to understand that you need a little time to yourself, could he consider having the children from Saturday lunchtime instead while he has these work committments. Refusing to have the children in the house unless he is there to take care of them would be a very combatative stance and would probably lead to a tit for tat battle over every little thing he does for your daughter. By offering to continue providing Sat childcare, but for slightly less time you're still helping him out and showing willing, but clawing a bit of time back for yourself
3. Suggest seeing a counsellor who could help you understand each others position and help work on more understanding and compromise, they could also help with the conflict over SS12
^^^^ This. Excellent post.
^^^^
This. Excellent post.