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Autistic stepdaughter

Thegmr69's picture

Submitted by Thegmr69 on Thu, 09/24/2009 - 9:56pm

I am trying to keep my sanity. I have been a stepdad for 3 years and have done everything possible to respect the ex. My stepdaughter has a mild form of autism and her father neglects and abuses her during visitations causing her excema to flare up so horribly that it often gets infected. She is a sweet girl but due to the changes in routine and the abuse ( which we cant prove) her behavior is horrible after weekend visits. I have two kids with my wife and love my family but dont know if i can stand watching this drama unfold and a 6 year old that i love have her life destroyed by the court system's inability to protect her. Please. Someone help

Comments

starfish's picture

Submitted by starfish on Thu, 09/24/2009 - 10:02pm

i wish i had something to help...but all i have is that you are a wonderful man, father & step-father....... you should be very proud of yourself for being such a great person...... good luck and all the support you may need..........

NotTheRealMom's picture

Submitted by NotTheRealMom on Thu, 09/24/2009 - 10:27pm

I'm sorry that I have zero experience with your situation, however, I wish you all the best. Much love and peace. It's all you can do for her and yourself.
___________________________________________________
Any idiot can face a crisis - it's day to day living that wears you out.
Anton Chekhov

chaoticsteplife's picture

Submitted by chaoticsteplife on Thu, 09/24/2009 - 11:23pm

You are a brave soul.
I work full time with autistic/special needs children and have 2 stepkids. One SD11 and one SS6.
I would have alot of questions to ask before giving any input, if you like you can PM me and we can elaborate a bit more and hopefully get some of that crap off your chest to begin with.
Routine is SO important with special needs kids, just that change in routine can be very difficult for her and can trigger all kinds of reactions.
Tell me, what kind of behavior changes does she have when she comes back from visitations?
What kind of changes is she experiencing in her routine?
Is she quite capable of expressing herself?
What kind of abuse do you suspect?
Have you consulted a lawyer?
What is BM's position in all this?
Don't give up... love and strenght going your way.
PM me anytime if you wish,
Chaotic

StepMadre's picture

Submitted by StepMadre on Fri, 09/25/2009 - 12:05am

me too, if you want. My eldest skid has Aspergers, which is a mild form of Autism, so I know how hard it is to deal with. It makes the challenges of step-parenting even harder, but there are a lot of really good books and stuff. Our BM is aware of it, but does absolutely nothing for him and actually makes many of his behavior problems worse. The main issue we have is social skills. He is very narcissistic and his world revolves around him. He doesn't empathize well and is socially extremely awkward and rude. Kudos to you for being brave enough to take this on and I wish you the best! I agree with chaotic that routine is extremely important. We are very careful to let SS11 know if there are going to be changes in our routine, but are also working on having him be more flexible. He freaks out if you pick him up from the opposite side of the playground after school than he is used to and we have introduced changes into his life to help him learn to cope. Unfortunately BM lives a scary, unstable, chaotic life and so he seeks stability and routine with us, so we don't want to push him too far, too fast.

We've found that diet also has a huge impact on autistic kids. My step-sister has two autistic kids and my best friend has a daughter with Aspergers as well. We got SS11 allergy tested and he is allergic to wheat and dairy. We have taken him off both and the improvement is drastic. BM is too lazy to change anything and still gives him primarily fast food and mac n' cheese which is the worst thing to give him, but we can't do anything about it. BM found out that I was the one doing the research on Autism/Aspergers and that was enough to make her reject our info and results of the allergy testing (we paid for blood testing, which is the most accurate allergy test). We can't control what BM feeds him, but at least he is not getting bad foods with us, which I think is helping.

Anyway, best of luck and again feel free to PM me. I am still new at the Aspergers thing (except I was diagnosed with a mild form of it as a kid, but outgrew it) but if I can help at all, that would be great.

"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32

Grasping4straws's picture

Submitted by Grasping4straws on Fri, 09/25/2009 - 11:57am

and the frustration of having a BP who won't cooperate? My SS14 has HFA, and he wasn't diagnosed until 12 when I started to suspect autism and prodded for some action. I've been told by everyone that I can't control BM decisions in her household, but how do you cope when they affect your family and your household? She is a permissive parent, and thinks our rules are too strict (TV time limits, bedtimes, junk food limits) and she has gone as far as to actually tell SS14 that I am unfair, that my rules suck, and that he doesn't have to listen to me. All the parents got together with a mediator for that one, and she agreed to stop, but no one discussed it with SS14. I am getting attitude from him now everytime we interact, and I can't help think that he's got these negative things in his head that are giving him permission to dismiss me. Again, his therapist and his BF told me that I should not talk to him directly about this, I just have to figure out how to get over it. How does one create the environment in one's house when outside influences keep messing it up?

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Fri, 09/25/2009 - 12:13am

That's a tough one, but I will say this...usually the skin issues, ie. eczema, etc. ARE caused by food allergies. With that said, you should be able to have allergy tests run on her by a DAN doctor or another allergist/doctor specializing on kids with autism and get this taken care of. Once you have the MEDICAL proof that food allergies are what cause the eczema, and I tell you, my son was EXACTLY the same...you should be able to take the MR to court and have it court ordered that he NOT feed the child anything to aggravate the eczema, etc...once you make it a much more serious medical condition, I would think you will have better luck with the courts.

PS - the gluten, at least in our case is what caused all the different skin issues, including eczema...once we got rid of it and/or greatly reduced it, the skin condition when away...we always know when he's had gluten because he'll start to get some little bumps on his face/knees...

Good luck...Feel free to email me if you have any questions and bless you for taking care of this little girl...

StepMadre's picture

Submitted by StepMadre on Fri, 09/25/2009 - 3:43am

true! It lasts for about an hour with us on weekdays and after the skids have been with BM for a longer time period (like a weekend) it lasts about four hours. We always gear up for this, although it doesn't make it any more pleasant.

I agree with the allergy testing stuff too, you can have your pediatrician order the tests for you. I thought I was allergic to wheat because my mom has a gluten allergy, but it turned out that I am actually allergic to yeast. This means I can bake my own yeast-free breads and still get to eat bread (which I adore). Getting allergy testing done is probably one of the best concrete things you can do for your skid (and yourself, if you think you might have allergies). We also got both skids tested for hypoglycemia/diabetes because they don't do well on sugar either. They aren't, luckily, but I guess they react to sugar the way any kid/adult does. They very rarely eat sugar with us, and for the rare times we give them dessert, we usually make them things like baked apples with raisins or something else that is sweet and yummy, but more healthy than processed cane sugar or high fructose cane syrup. BM shovels sugar into the skids and turns it into a "dad and stepmadre are so mean and don't care about you, but I love you because I give you all the ice cream you want" kind of thing. Our lawyer sucks right now and we are in the process of finding a new one, and then we will try to get something written into the papers about their allergies. SS5 doesn't have autism, but seems to have a form of OCD with an accompanying anxiety disorder. He hasn't been officially diagnosed, but my mom is a psychologist (as a second career after teaching) and unofficially
thinks that's what's going on. I've read a lot about it and he fits all of the criteria in the DSMVII. I would like to get him in to see a good child psychologist soon, but since i'm not the parent I can't do much about it. H wants to as well, but he picks and chooses his battles with BM and he is currently worn out from his current struggle with her over the schedule. Anyhoo, the allergy testing really helped us, so I would highly recommend it as well.

"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32

stressedstepmom2009's picture

Submitted by stressedstepmom2009 on Fri, 09/25/2009 - 8:23am

he neglects and abuses her? if your sd tells you, then maybe she can make a statement to cps or someone. maybe you can get a note from dr stating that stress makes her sxcema flare up and explain your situation.

you are a wonderful stepdad.

Chele's picture

Submitted by Chele on Fri, 09/25/2009 - 9:06am

And keeping a solid routine with him has been on of the most important things we could do for him. He is 3 now, and has depended on routine/ritual behaviors sense he was a year old. Is she in any counseling? If so, maybe they can advocate for you and your wife , and get this turned around. I'm sorry that you are going through this. ~ " I'm awful sorry you got pissed, just have to cross you off the list, of my true friends." PHISH~