SD ignores me
14 yr old SD enters house, knowing I'm there, and only says hello to daddy. Then comes in & interacts w/ him, all over him, while not even acknowledging my presence. When she first came in the house, after she said, "Hi Daddy", I told her hi. She acted like she didn't hear me. Then a minute later comes into our bedroom & totally ignores me while interacting w/ dad. Later in the day, dad talks to her & tells her that it's rude to do that. Her response is, "she didn't say hi to me either; it goes both ways." HELLO?!! Not only did I say hi to her after she only said hi to her dad, knowing I was there too, she made it obvious that she was ignoring me. Yet she still defends herself! I do so much for her, it hurts me that she views me so indisposable. Dad can't comprehend my pain. I'm on the verge of throwing in the towel & starting over. I can't foresee a happy future with this life. Of course this may seem like a trivial thing to most people, but discerning ones can sense there's much more to this than meets the eye. NOBODY in my life understands. I feel imprisoned by "duty" while my emotions are almost out of control.
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The person who needs to make
The person who needs to make changes here is DH.
He needs to make sure she treats you with civility and respect by enfoorcing consequences if she doesn't. She doesn't have to love or like you. She does have to treat you with respect.
How often do you see her? Is she in counseling?
I agree that DH needs to
I agree that DH needs to make changes. He is a weak parent and way too soft w/ his "talks" with SD. He does not enforce consequences. He GIVES consequences sometimes, but quickly forgets about them bc he wants to enjoy having a perfect family. His denial and neglect has gotten to me so much lately I want to scream. And I did let him have it last weekend....I told him "f*%k this life" and left for a couple of hours. His only response to my complaints was "I will try harder." But it stops there. I think his intentions are honest, but he simply lacks the know-how of how to approach the situation, even though I have multiple books & articles on this very matter, he refuses to take interest in it.
I see SD almost on a daily basis. She is w/ us half the time, basically e/o day & e/o weekend. I take her to movies, buy her furniture, clothes, shoes, host her friends, etc. She treats me like crap. Even my m-i-l told me long ago to stop doing for her. But I long for her acceptance so I keep doing for her. I try not to take it personal, but it hurts me nonetheless. I know she's in the mean teenage stages right now, but I still need to be able to deal with it.
About her being in counseling....I've suggested that for 4 years now. I'M in counseling & my counselor thinks she should be in counseling! But no, neither bio-parent has the courage to make that move.
I need to take back control, but am scared to. I feel I don't have the support in my life to do that.
Honey, the more you do for
Honey, the more you do for her, the less respect she will have for you, and the more she takes for granted that you're her personal punching bag.
Stop doing anything for her. Completely disengage. If she asks you why, very calmly say, "I decided that I no longer want to take to movies, buy furniture, clothes, shoes, help in any way I can, someone who thanks me by never acknowledging what I do or even saying hello to me when she walks in the door." Then calmly turn and walk away. Don't engage in any fight or any response she flings at you.
Next time she asks or expects you to do anything, just say, "You'll have to ask your dad if he will do this for you." That's your new response for everything.
This is the only way things may possibly change.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
and wtf is she doing in your
and wtf is she doing in your room???
Step-demon (sd14) pulled
Step-demon (sd14) pulled this crap with me after DH got custody of her. She would look right through me, treated me with complete disrespect and was rude not only to me but my family and friends. DH ignored it for months, assuming it was a phase and she'd get over it. What he didn't understand was he was silently giving her the green light to treat me like crap because he wasn't reprimanding her.
I finally had enough struggling with both of them. I sat him down and told him I found another place to live. That enough was enough and if he wasn't going to recognize her bad behavior and deal with it then I was done with our relationship. That I was is WIFE and deserved to be treated better. His child doesn't have to like me or love me but in MY HOUSE she will treat me with courtesy.
He convinced me to stay and now he calls her out every time she's rude to me. And when he doesn't, I deal with it and he backs me up.
And if I hear one more person that didn't live with this kind of s**t going on in their lives telling me I should be more compassionate I will scream. They 're about telling me what a poor little girl she is, how tough her life is and I should be way more understanding. What bunch of BS! There is a difference between a kid acting out (she was getting counseling the entire time she lived with us) and willful manipulation of a situation in order to get what they want (in this case me out of her life).
“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine
I went through the EXACT
I went through the EXACT SAME thing when my oldest SD was 14, really up until recently. No matter how great I was to her and her sister, she was still awful to me. She will be 16 soon and things are much better but only because DH stepped up to the plate and let her know that her behavior was completely unacceptable and she HAD to respect me and be nice to me whether she liked it or not. DH even said to her at one point, you can either treat MY WIFE like FAMILY or you can stay away and not come over anymore. It worked...took a while and lots of those "talks" with her, but SD15 and I are starting to have a relationship now, which I NEVER thought possible because we HATED each other.
My younger SD (13) has never acted like that, she has always been a sweetheart and a wonderful child. They are as different as night and day and even DH has had trouble having a relationship with SD15 because she is such a pain in the ass. She is EXACTLY like her crazy mother. Sooo...it's a struggle everyday for all involved.
But Anon is right, your DH needs to step up and have some serious discussions with your SD. Otherwise, she will continue to treat you like a doormat. Take it from someone who has been there and still has problems with 2 teenage daughters and their crazy mother...it's up to your DH to fix it and if he won't, then you need to get the hell outta there!
Good luck, sweetie!
Love
Been , done this issue. I
Been , done this issue. I agree with both posters for their advice and questions. BUt yeah , the exact same thing you described happened with me when Sd hit that age and my advice to you :
A> speak with your husband and tell him what is goign to happen since he knows what his daugher is doing and the fact that she is not complying with being decent:
1. Cut her off completely. Do not talk to her, do not do anythign for her, no cooking, no cleaning, no entertainment.
2. Do not acknowledge her presence until she says hello to you.
3. No favors, dont spend a dime on her.
4. Let your dh do EVERYTHING for her and i do mean everything.
5. Go out, treat yourself.
Sorry, but for me i wans't playing her game , i basically see it as throwing it back in their faces. And guess what? SHE complained to her father (i did this for almost a year....felt so free...no ties...no responsibility..nothing) She complain saying that i dont acknowledge her and say hi or whatever...Her father: backed me up completely. Told her , she behaved this way to me, if she can't swallow how she behaves , then dont complain, she brought it on herself.
SHe's changed since then. Always says hi. Always engages and always is nice.
Its true, those years are the cruel years. Combination of hormones, the understanding of emotions, people relations etc...trying to find a place , a niche for themselves. Its hard at that age. But its not an excuse to get away with this type of behaviour. Its how they learn.
Its up to your dH to enforce respect in yoru household. But at the same time, stand your ground girl. Take control of your life and your person.
Confront her. I did with my sd as well but with other issues....like demandning money from her dad when he doesnt' have any to give.
I just read your above post, please, your only hurting yourself. SHe sees you want her acceptance, and she still treats you like dirt.
Just stop spending. stop shopping and let her come to you. ANd if she accuses you, turn around and tell her off like any other human being. Tell her: i've done alot for you and you've treated me like dirt. You get what you dish out. Deal with it! Dotn be afraid.
I threatened leaving many
I threatened leaving many times, and DH told me basically that families stick together and work through things, and that if I didn't want to deal with it then I should leave. Uh, I AM the one dealing with it! THAT'S the problem! It won't work if HE won't deal with it! What I basically heard from him was "if you can't accept things around here, then just leave if that's what you want."
Ouch!
I'm hyper-critical about
I'm hyper-critical about this subject because of what I went through with DH and his child. I don't know if you have any bios with you DH, but maybe it's time you followed through on your threat to leave.
At some point we step-parents need to take a stand for ourselves and our relationships. Our spouses don't always see the affect their children have on us and our relationships. It's like the blog the other day talking about putting kids before the adults.
That's what finally got through to my DH. I explained his lack of action standing up for me was showing his kid that it was okay to treat me like crap. Because he was too. I pointed out unless he chose to present us as a united front to his child, then our marriage wasn't going to survive.
I don't encourage ending relationships over kids or skids, but there are times when our sanity is more important.
“Be like a duck. Calm on the surface, but always paddling like the dickens underneath.”
Michael Caine
The best thing that ever
The best thing that ever happened in my relationship with my SD is my DH finally put his foot down. And I can't tell you how much better things are again.. I know how you feel.. When SD finally realized that she and her mom were not going to ruin our marriage things got much better with her... We really have always had a very good relationship up until a few months ago... When it all came to a boil my DH stepped up and until yours does and follows through with what he tells her things won't improve... In my case my SD is caught in the middle .. she wants to be loyal to her mom, but she really does love me too.. Her moms insecurities and hatred for me was fueling the fire... But only my DH could stop it not me.. So I hope yours steps up soon..
Good Luck
My SD11 does this to me when
My SD11 does this to me when she comes to our home. It used to bother me, now I just disengage and go about my business. She pulls this crap in an attempt to run our household. its all for attention and when I don't acknowledge her it pisses her off!
But it isn't just me she does it to. When she's with her BM, she will completely ignore FH also. She can look past him like he's piece of trash on the sidewalk. BM has taught her that people are disposable, doesn't matter who they are. When FH told BM that SD11 treatment of he & I was unacceptable, all she could say was he made his choice to be with me, SD11 was making her choice to "show" him life without her!
Isn't that the biggest BS you've ever heard!
Hang in there, it is tough to be treated that way. Especially when the treatment is unwarranted!
(((Hugs))) to you!
I live your life also. SD12
I live your life also. SD12 has been treating me like this for years. She won't look at me, respond to me, acknowledge me, greet me, stay in the same room as me. All conversaction when we are together as a family is directly to DH, as in an exagerated way, head turned to exclude everyone else, voice barley a whisper so no one else can hear and be a part.
My DH like yours says he'll do better and try but honestly he wants to just ignore and hope it goes away. I think he honestly isn't perceptive to a lot of the subtle things she does and he is a guilt parent also.
I have started to disengage slowly so as not to add to the problem. I stopped including her when picking up things for my kids unless she and DH are right there with us. I stopped trying to include her on every outing we do as a family because she truely doesn't want to be a part of our family, just her and DH alone is what she wants.
I have stopped allowing her to tag along with me and my bio kids on things we do when DH isn't going. If DH isn't home, she goes back to BM. This hits home to both DH and SD and more than likely BM since it interrupts her free weekends.
I recently took my DD on a day bus trip. SD commented to her dad that she would have liked to go too and pouted about it. So I know she is getting the point, but I refuse to take responsiblity for a child who will not respond to me, much less take any direction from me.
The down side is I think it is building resentment between DH and I. He wants me to treat her like my own. He just isn't willing to step in yet and be the parent he needs to allow me to be treated respectfully to allow that.
I really like what you said
I really like what you said about refusing to take responsiblity for a child who will not respond to me, much less take any direction from you. Add to that, nor to simply ACKNOWLEDGE you!
It's hard when DH is the guilt parent, but nonetheless, the child needs to respect your role there & treat you w/ decency. I cannot believe your husband has let this go on this way for so long. That is very disappointing. He is only harming y'alls relationship. You are not made of steel, you have feelings! It doesn't sound to me like you have hatred or resentment toward your SD, but more like you've accepted that's how she is and as long as your husband isn't going to back you up, then you have to do what you have to do.
I am getting there. The problem w/ me is that I'm a big pushover, always striving for their acceptance. I actually do things for them w/ the motive, "They're really gonna think I'm a cool person if I do this..." Nope, I'm wrong every time! Not that she doesn't thank me, (sometimes she doesn't) but she just acts like she's entitled, like it's owed to her. And the same or next day she'll treat me like crap again.
You're doing your part quite well. It's your husband's job to fix things w/ his daughter. I'm sorry, you sound like a strong person! I hope things improve & your hubby steps up!
Thanks for recognizing where
Thanks for recognizing where I am. I have felt pushed to the point where I can't continue to be rejected by SD, I have to protect myself from that. I was becoming depressed by the situation.
I also am a pushover and a people pleaser. It still bothers me that she will not show any acknowledgement of my existence (until she wants something) but I have stopped trying.
I tend to try to smooth things over more when my bio kids are involved. I don't want them to blame me for her attitude. They are starting to ask a lot of questions and I try to be honest as push it back on SD when I can without being mean.
There's no hope for her to think me the 'cool' one. Her BM has the market cornered on that one. In fact I think the comparison between me and BM as parents is the main factor in her being unable to accept me. She sees me as mean - BECAUSE I PARENT MY KIDS.
I know DH will finally get to the point that he wants to discuss this, until then I will disengage and wait for him to decide it's a priority. Hopefully it won't be too late.
Well you sound like a good
Well you sound like a good person. Reward yourself & find joy in your own children. I do not yet have any of my own. I am 32 and hope to soon. I hope it helps me find happiness in my life. My husband is a good man, but a weak parent. He loves to live in denial & hope for the best. I gave him an ultimatum this weekend bc I could not stand the knot in my stomach any longer. He is going to have a "coming to Jesus" meeting w/ SD this week. She'll probably glare at me even more. But oh well, it's not so much her reaction that I'm looking for; it's my husband's addressing it appropriately w/ her that I'm looking for. She needs a serious wake up call! But if she doesn't respond, then at least I won't feel the resentment toward my husband for not trying as hard as he could.
Good luck, let's keep in touch! You seem to be level-headed.
Thank you ! That's exactly
Thank you ! That's exactly what I've decided I need to do...be the best parent I know how to be for my kids.
And it sounds like we could be married to the same man !
I hope for you that you find the joy that kids can be, mine make me happy each and everyday...of course they also make me want to pull my hair out but they are mine !