Is it worth it?
I have stayed in this marriage for nearly 20 years and I'm still wondering if it worth it? Why am I staying? DH ex drove a wedge between me and SD when she was a child and now that she's an adult SD doesn't see it or keeps it in place, not sure which one.
I just don't know if I have it in me to fight against it. I so often feel like it would be so much easier to just leave.
We have 4 kids together and the SD24. I tried raising her with as much love and care as my own but BM "forbade" it at every possible juncture. I have come to see that I didn't fight hard enough then and believe that it was partly me fear of confrontation and partly waiting on my DH to step in and stand up for us (which he never did - went totally "ostrich" on me).
Now SD24 is living across the country while finishing her degree but soon we will be back in the same state.
She had made some commitments to herself about two different things: one having to do with her future goals and one having to do with working on a problem area in her life. She has rationalized the first commitment away to being something she will do only when she's feeling like it. The second one is very akin to falling off the wagon.
On our weekly phone call, which hadn't taken place for 2 weeks because of schedule conflicts, I called her on it. Now, given the very short amount of time that I have and the hectic-ness on our end with 4 much younger kids, I just jumped right in and asked what was going on?
She's fuming mad that I'm judging her and pulling all the punches with past "passive agressive" behavior that she says she has come to realize is responsible for her walking away from conversations feeling
"sometimes it is just a criticism you drop in a pleasant tone, and it is not until the conversation has moved on and I am left feeling like something you've stepped on, do i realize that I was just insulted."
If someone is an addict and they fall off the wagon and I call them on it - not because it's my standard but a standard that she created and committed to - am I being judgmental? am I insulting?
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thanks crystal. your up
thanks crystal.
your up late...have a good sleep.
It would seem that you were
It would seem that you were right, today she apologized.
"I got so angry at you the other night over something that was,in retrospect, very small because it was a trigger. I apologize for the blast, for the harshness of the things I said. I am sure that what I said hurt and shocked you and I imagine you are now pretty angry with me. For that, again, I am sorry. As for me, I am no longer angry or even hurt. I know you did not mean to hurt me. You have always had my best interest at heart. You have always done your best to protect me and nurture me. And I know that the times I have felt you have "zinged" me or judged me were not moments where you meant to hurt me. So you don't need to apologize for anything you said the other night, or any other night. Really."
The thing is I am not angry with her - I don't think I ever get angry at her - I always blame BM! But in defense of this, her mother has a Gilmore Girl complex (would rather be a friend, than a mother) and so she combined with SD being her only child and BM's abandonment issues with her own mother...
I wish that once and for all she would believe that her father and I love her and will love her for who she is, failures and all. But that this doesn't mean we will ignore self-destructive behavior.
I need to ask something.
I need to ask something. Why would you leave a 20-year marriage with four kids because of your Step Daughter. She is an adult now and responsible for her own life - you don't have to be involved. In fact, it might make it easier on you if you stepped back and disengaged. What happened with your DH to make you want to leave this marriage, or is this all about SD? If it's all about SD, then you need to take a stand to save your marriage.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
It isn't directly about my
It isn't directly about my SD. It's realizing that all the trauma and drama that I went through when we were sharing custody is still looming and lurking. I don't have it in me to fight. I do realize it is a moment of weakness, this sense of want to just give up and quit. It helps to at least write about it. I just have no where else to turn to at the moment.
I think I went into this marriage to escape what was going on at home (not pretty and extremely painful) and so I let my self ignore the ex-wife issues; I love children so I told my self it would be great to raise someone else's child. I have a good spouse but I think I entered this marriage with out self-examination, without seeing if there was some other way to deal with the issues I had to over come at the time.
I thought my mother was weak for putting up with an abusive husband so I chose someone who was mild.
I started to question my sexuality but there is no way in my family and culture that I could do anything but settle down and have kids.
I appreciate your insight
I appreciate your insight steperg.
So what would you say the place of a parent is in the life of an adult child - be they step- or bio- - that you have shared a loving relationship with as they have grown up?
I don't think that she needs me to exert parental power in her life but I don't think that I can ever extricate myself as a parent in her life and stop "exerting" parental concern.
She's not just a friend or acquaintance to me. She is someone whose cuts I bandaged, held in my arms when she was sick, and laughed with while we ate ice cream after dinners.
My SD wants to be able "to
My SD wants to be able "to be open and vulnerable with each other. I don't want to be afraid of confronting you or getting angry. I want to know that if I tell you, you have hurt me, that you will listen and try to make it right."
I too want her to feel that she can share with me if I've hurt her. If she feels angry then she should know that its her prerogative - but this is one of those issues that she struggles with. She feels that she will be rejected by people if she shares these feelings.
The exception to this is her BM. With BM she has since adolescence taken to having knock down/drag out fights and then making up. This is the way that her BM handled things when SD was a little girl. When BM was stressed she would be exceedingly cruel to SD and afterward make up with her, usually explaining that it was because of "this" or "that" that she was so upset (things that had nothing to do with SD). This was quite painful for me to "watch", it was DH and I who would have to pick up some of those pieces and remind her that she was loved by us and by her mother.
The problem for me is that I could not and would not stand for a knock down/drag out fight. To me this is not how a parent and child should behave with each other. The sorrys afterward do not make up for the venom spewed in the heat of such battles.
Ms. Freeze thank you for the
Ms. Freeze thank you for the welcome.
I was in desperate need of support which is why I joined and posted. I cannot take this kind of problem to my family because if they thought that my DH was making me unhappy, they would turn on him and that is not the environment I need in order to make a decision.
I have fooled myself into thinking that the problems BM made so long ago were gone not that SD is an adult. So I feel like a fool going to my friends with this and was hoping to find a safe place to dialogue about it. Is it passive aggressive to say that sueu2 has made this an unsafe place? Because from my point of view - I am saying what I mean and meaning what I say.
Crystal, I certainly see
Crystal, I certainly see that given the short time and my surroundings at the time of the conversation that I had with my SD I was very abrupt with trying to ask where she was at with her goals. But again they are goals she made for her self and ones that she explained to us were for the benefit of her future and well-being that I was asking about - not demanding that she keep or condemning her breaking them.
I love her dearly and don't want her to be hurt and the behavior that she is trying to change in her life was hurting her.
I don't mean to be vague about what my issues are but I do feel that in discussing her issues I do need to maintain some discretion and therefore must be less specific. I am the one seeking advice for my situation and don't feel it would be fair to her to disclose all her business - at least no more than necessary.
Yikes Sue:) way to get right
Yikes Sue:) way to get right in there and stir the pot dear! perhaps it will be helpful to not include the ENTIRE board when saying the OP has offended someone with her post?
it's ok to have an opinion but why be rude about giving it? It's possible you have lots of helpful things to say and I for one would like to be able to read your opinion without having you speak for me by saying Op has insulted the whole board (since I'm a member of the board that would include me...meaning you're speaking for me by saying I was insulted by her post.)
I think you're right in saying the Op needs to give us more details and background...it may help when we're all trying to give opinions and input on her situation. Sometimes though, we're just too darn angry to put all the details in our posts and we go back later when we're more calm and post the whole story...maybe that's what has happened here?
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We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin
hmmm yeah I guess I missed
hmmm yeah I guess I missed your point when I read this, "I think you insult her the same way you have *insulted members of this board* by giving the circumstances in metaphors and abstract elements"
So going back and reading your post again...was your point that she didn't give enough detail and the board is too quick to coddle?
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We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin
Aren't you assuming it was a
Aren't you assuming it was a deliberate? I mean, I can totally understand that some people do try to make themselves appear as an innocent lamb but really, how do we know the truth? How do you know she is leaving things out purposely unless you know her situation personally? We can only help and support...that involves taking the OP at her word rather than making assumptions about how much she could possibly be leaving out just to make herself look good...if we did that, no one would get support bc we'd all be too paranoid and suspicious of their motives
I tracked her, and I don't
I tracked her, and I don't see any previous blogs. What did she do or say to make you jump her case like this? If YOU could give us more details, that would certainly help us understand where you are coming from. Otherwise, I'm guessing you are either her SD or her BM.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
Could it be that sueu2 is
Could it be that sueu2 is the SD? Hmmmmm.....
well thanks for all that
well thanks for all that sue. Talking with you has been an interesting experience. Have a good day
Now let's all hold hands and
Now let's all hold hands and sing "your grandma and my grandma were sitting by the fire"
aw jen, as usual you just
aw jen, as usual you just read my mind.
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We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. ~Anaïs Nin
StepWhat, From what little I
StepWhat, From what little I got from your post, you must care about her to call her on things that you know will hurt her.. Unfortunately when they are 24 they just don't want to hear what we have to say anymore. I for one would just step back a bit and wait to see if she asks for advice. When she comes to you, I would then just tell her honestly how you feel... I have been married to my DH for 12 years and there have been times I have thought this just isn't worth it.. But that is usually when I am feeling down or our BM is stirring the pot a bit. Take a deep breath you have been with your DH for 20 years and that is something...
Hopefully this will help...
Unhappy2happy
Thank you for your words of
Thank you for your words of encouragement.
It seems that so many of you know the unique pain of being hurt by someone you love as your own yet isn't your own - reminds me of the "tired" that your feel when recovering from surgery, it's different than being tired from your regular activities. It's a deeper feeling of "tired", one that just knocks you flat for no visible reason, yet it is a time that your body is in over-drive to heal itself from some form of invasion to your body.
Skids aren't "yours" so it shouldn't hurt - that's what it seems it should be like; yet if we have raised them, if we have poured our energies into them no differently then our own biokids yet never achieve parity with bioparent in their eyes - it's an emotion that invades too deeply.