Follow-up to SS10 wanting to "talk"
I have a follow-up question to the one I posed about this earlier in the week-- most folks who replied said to be open to talking with him, to feel good about him wanting to open up.
FH told me that SS wants to talk with me about when I argue with his dad. I am kind of pissed (or is it defensive?) about this for a number of reasons:
- is it his business? I am open to hearing how he feels when we argue (which for sure occurs, but some disagreement can be done in a healthy way, our apt is small so he hears when we bicker over the laundry), but not open to his critique, feedback, opinion about it, etc. He is 10, he is an only child (self-centered, no responsibilities, guilt-parenting from FH all the way)
- how far should I go in explaining to him that lots of my arguments with his dad are about his mom? (and the super f-ed up, dysfunctional way of relating that they have, that FH thinks SS is shielded from, though he's there when they argue over the phone, he's talked to me about being tired of them also arguing about his days here and there)
- how much do I ask him to take some responsibility? The other thing that starts arguments is when I feel isolated/alone and explode, when I cannot take FH waiting hand/foot on SS, etc.
- do I just frame most of this in an acknowledgment that this is hard for all of us?
I need to have a plan, have a mantra, and do some deep breathing prior to this. I will not allow me/my relationship with FH to be a scapegoat for the crazy b---sh-- that goes on between FH and BM. I don't think all of it is SS's business to know about. And I think SS could benefit from either attending the therapist with FH and me sometimes or going on his own- which FH is never interested in discussing (he thinks he has shielded his son from all conflict, etc.).
AND, I need to know how much of this is planted by BM. SS brought her up when he brought up this topic to FH--
please advise!
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Comments
SoTired1 Wow! Your plate is
SoTired1
Wow! Your plate is definitely full. First of all, [No] I do not think you should sit down and have a [talk] with a 10-year-old about [why] you argue with his father. I don't think so; no ma'am! Who does this little kid thinks he is?? He's only carrying on like this b/c his parents are allowing him to get away with this type of behavior. When I was growing up, kids were to be seen & not heard. In these days, you’re dealing with a SS10 talking about he wants to have a talk with you & your DH thinks it is ok. Honey, I have news for you (sadly) this child’s behavior towards you will only get worse. Why??? Because your DH & BM allows SS10 to get involved in grown folks issues. I'm speaking from experience; my SD19 gave me hell for almost 8-years (although I didn’t pay her or any of her nonsense a bit of attention). I met her when she was 10-years-old and she was a mess then & I knew she would be a problem b/c she was flippant.
My advice to you is to not allow this child to think he is your equal (as if you're one of peers in his math class). You need to make him understand that [he is a child] and that you are an adult; that you will be respected as such. Please understand the importance of establishing boundaries for what [you will] or [will not] tolerate in your relationship with your SS. Being that you are not his BM, I think you'll have to be a little more firmer [not mean] only firmer in order to gain & maintain the respect you want from this child; this child needs to be taught [by you] where his place is as a child. Please keep in mind that your DH [apparently] is incapable of helping you do this, so you'll be a ‘lone wolf’ in establishing these boundaries with your SS. Yes, have a talk with your SS [as a parent-figure] explaining to him that you are married to his father & that what happens between you & his father is none of his concern and that it's not open for discussion. However, that you need him to understand that he is a child and that you are the adult, etc., etc. I'm sure your words will flow smoothly b/c they did so in your blog. I wish you the best & please keep your head up and let me know how things turn out. Oh & by the way, I always say a prayer to God before addressing any difficult matters in my life.
"Only the wisest and stupidest of man never change."--Confucius