Is this normal?
Planning a trip out of state in a few weeks. So far BM has stated she can't find any way to get her daughter so it looks like she won't be seeing her unless I bring her. Well, I told SD that when we go out of state (we are visiting my family), we can bring her to BM and she can stay with her for the 3 days we are gone. Didn't make it sound like a fun trip. Just the basics. We are going to visit so and so and while we are there you can see your mom! Won't that be fun?? She said she would rather come with us. DH told her but by the time we go, she wouldnt have seen her mom for a very long time by then (5-6 weeks) and won't she want to see and spend time with her? She said she doesn't want to go to BM and she wants to go with us.
- Stepmommommy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Well if BM picked her up,
Well if BM picked her up, then of course we'd have her visit BM. But if she doesn't, which she hasn't been, then we were going to bring her. So she doesn't have to tell BM she's not visiting her because if BM doesn't pick her up, technically, BM should assume SD won't visit her. In the CO it states that if the other parent doesn't pick up SD within the hour of the designated pick up time, then the other parent can proceed with other plans.
And we love SD. My family looks at her as their family. She is very behaved (other than the normal 5 year old drama queen attitude) lol.
As SD was just at her
As SD was just at her mother's (as stated in your January 31st blog while you visited your Uncle), I don't understand why Dad and you are discussing this now with SD. If this trip is a few weeks away or the 4-5wks since last BM visit .... you're telling this kid 'Mom won't be bothering with you for the next month or more'.
While that may or may not be true (you don't factually know yet), you seem to be slightly beginning on a path of PAS. This new CO has barely been in effect a month, circumstances drastically changed in pick-up/drop-off arrangements and up until then BM had this child 50/50. No more or less than you and Dad did.
I just think you need to tread a bit slower and lighter on the situation. This is a five year old child who has had an involved mother up until a month ago (ok, perhaps maybe not up for MOTY mother, but involved nevertheless). The child doesn't get to make the decisions. She doesn't get a say in whether she's 'tired' of four hour car rides. She doesn't get to say she'd rather go somewhere else on BM's weekends (especially when that weekend is still a month out).
These are adult and parent decisions. If your trip is scheduled during the weekdays, you take SD to your family without giving her additional options. If your trip is scheduled during a weekend or part of the weekend, Dad needs to ask BM is she is indeed waiving that weekend.
Sucks but reality. You have to go with the assumption BM will be getting the child. Document every time BM does waive (so far it's been week after week). The time will come when Dad can approach the courts and have BM's visitations reduced due to lack of using her time.
See this is why i stopped
See this is why i stopped posting here a few years ago. Assumptions and attacks. How is it the start of PAS if we take her to get her mother presents, if we go out of OUR way to bring her to her mother?? Her mother is not picking her up this weekend. She has already stated she won't next weekend or the weekend after that. And the weekend after those weekends is DH birthday and it's stated in the CO that he gets her. That right there is almost 6 weeks since she's last seen her. So yes. A long time. Also, we asked her because we want to go places that require pre planning such as theme parks and they need to know who's coming and if SD wanted to be with her mom then I would have told them she wasn't coming and they could save money. And we are NOT PASing her because if she had said she wanted to see her mom, we would have driven THREE hours out of our way to drop her off there.
Bear in mind, SHE is the one who is supposed to pick her up so its no obligation to my DH to drop her off and if SD wants to come and her mom isn't getting her then you can bet we will let her come.
And yes her mom has been involved but is it because DH was doing ALL the driving until recently? DH was paying for all medication, taking her to all dr appts, putting her in school, putting her in activities, taking her to dentist, etc. and also paid child support. Not to mention she would ask DH to keep her on her weekends where he would drop her off on Monday so technically she only had her every other Tuesday through Friday. All her mother has had to do for the past 5 years is wait at her front door when DH picked up or dropped off. DH has paid for everything for SD and done everything for SD all her life except for buy the clothes at BMs but he was paying child support so that could even be for that.
Frustrates me when step parents and fathers are so quickly judged when (in my situation) we've tried so hard to do everything FOR her and to facilitate the relationship between SD and BM.
So please enlighten me how this is PAS to a "very involved" mother (who for the record has a boyfriend that she visited 6 hours away from her on an almost weekly basis before he moved in with her) but can't find a way to get her daughter.
Also, may I ask, how is it
Also, may I ask, how is it PAS if she's supposed to get every other weekend but DH says anytime she's able to get SD then she is welcome to. So almost every weekend is open to her other than ones where we have specific plans.
And if BM got her on her
And if BM got her on her weekends then of course we wouldn't let SD choose not to go and we definitely wouldn't plan anything fun. And if you read back, SD was just stating she doesn't like the long car rides. She is allowed to state that. Doesn't mean we are telling her "well then if BM picks you up, you don't have to do those rides with her" or even if I get a chance to drop her off to BM, I AM going to bring her to her mother despite how she feels about the rides. Yes I know she's 5. Yes I know she shouldn't be making parental decisions. But I don't see where we have let her do so.
She doesn't know about the
She doesn't know about the theme parks. All she knows is we are visiting my family. Contrary to what many believe, we encourage her relationship with BM so we made sure to not mention anything fun other than the basics because if she wanted to see her BM then DH said he would drop her off before we headed out.
Oh no. I knew you weren't
Oh no. I knew you weren't attacking
I just wanted to reiterate to those who think we are PASing or allowing a 5 year old to choose in adult decisions, that we aren't.
Yes she states all the time that she does so much here and all she does is watch TV there. And that her mother sleeps in so she watches tv until she can get her breakfast.
Thank you for this. Love the
Thank you for this. Love the advice. You're very right. So many people say she was SO involved and she has a mother but why did she never take her to the dr, to school, etc. and now that she doesn't have us to drop her off, this very involved mother doesn't get her.
You're right. If SD was a priority, she would be getting her. It's so easy to think about SD and assume is bringing her is helping SD but if BM isn't putting forth effort then why are we?
Hate how it seems to many other people that no matter what a SM does, she's either overstepping or PASing.