Silly dh
So I have an uncle who lives across the country. He visits my mom once a year and we usually go to mom's and visit with them a few days while they are visiting. Last summer my uncle invited me, dh and bios to visit them in the summer. I haven't been there since middle school and dh has never been, so we got excited and considered going this summer. We hadn't talked about it much but now my uncle wants to know if we are going so he and his wife can be off when we're there. Well dh wants ss to go. I have told dh it isn't appropriate because 1- ss has never met my uncle! 2- you can't just bring a stranger to someone else's house and 3-my uncle's wife is an extremely private person. It would kind of freakthem out to have a stranger in their home. It took his wife 3 years (been married 3 years) for her to feel comfortable inviting US and my mom! Dh feels since ss is 'our family' he should be accepted too. I think that anyone in my family does NOT have to be accepting of ss whether they know him or not. I married dh, not them. They didn't have a say in whether they wanted to be a step-grandparents, step-uncle, etc or not. Also, last summer my mom predicted this and said I needed to know that my uncle meant us, not ss. I told her dh surely knew that. Well, nope.
But here is the thing! Stupid dh told ss today that we might go to (city, state where uncle lives) this summer. Ss got excited. I wasn't aware that dh told ss that til my mom brought it up to me in front of dh. I told dh againthat we can't bring a stranger to his house! My mom stayed out of it although she WANTED to tell him that my uncle won't go for ss coming and tell him how she really felt. We didn't argue about it we just pretty much ended with the trip is off. Even when he doesn't know it, ss ruins our plans. Fine. I have been there before and I would prefer to go when my bios are older anyway. But stupid dh opened his mouth to ss. So if he asks about it we'll just say the trip is off. And dh is just going to make himself look bad because he told ss
about a trip that isn't happening. Dh is upset because he wanted to go. Had he kept his mouth shut and would go without ssthen he could be enjoying a trip to a new place. Oh well. The funny thing is, I guess dh thought if he told ss about thetrip then we would have no choice but to include him in our trip plans. Ha ha dh! I don't think so. We'd rather cancel the trip.
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Comments
It's good that you have a
It's good that you have a good relationship with your skids and that they respect your family. Ss has NO interest in my family. Never has. He's also 13...not 6. Ss also had no interest in being aroud our family the 3 years he didn't want to visit. My uncle has never even met ss. You have to understand that ss hasn't been around me and my family much ad hasn't met a lot of them. I don't even know if my uncle remembers I have a ss. It's not that he specifically said "he can't come". It's just they are very private people and it would be awkward to take ss, a teenager they had never met. I don't feel like I have the right to bring a stranger to anyone's house who wasn't really invited. I don't feel I should pressure anyone to invite ss places, esp if they have never met him. I'm the same way. I wouldn't want people idk staying at my house. Had ss been a part of our lives constantly maybe I'd feel differently. But hinestly this kid is still a stranger to me, let alone my relatives.
See, dh comes from a long
See, dh comes from a long line of divorce and blended families. Dh's parents divorced, his mom has been 'married' 3x (5 kids,2 fathers) his mom recently married a divorced man with adult kids, his grandparents divorced... Meanwhile no one on my dad's side has ever divorced. My mom's ony brother (the uncle from post) just got divorced about 5years ago or so? His kids are mid-late thirties. His new wife has an adult son but her son really has no relationship with my uncle as he is a grown man, not a kid. His wife doesn't expect him to have a relationship with her son either. They got married for them, not their kids since their 'kids' are all grown. So, even his experience with divorce is different. And the thing is, if I can't even be comfortable around ss, why should I expect someone else to?
Also, with my family it isn't just about 'blood related'. We have friends who we consider family becausd ofthe close relationships we have. We also have adopted relatives who are treated as they aren't adopted. But those relationships haven't been formed with ss and me or anyone in my family. After his 3 year absence it's like we have all had to start over- with a teen nonetheless! An it has been less than a year since he started visiting regularly again. And the only ones who see ss on my side are my parents. And they are kind to him and are trying to form some sort of relationship with him. But other relatives... If my parents said ss couldn't come over then ok, that'd be dumb and I'd say something. But this uncle lives across the country. We see him once a year, has never met, seen, heard about ss...
The only way we could afford
The only way we could afford to go was to stay with my uncle. My mom was going to help with bios airfare (baby is free) and I have an airline credit I can use for my ticket. If we did go we would stay a weekto make good use of our time there to sightsee, etc. So one week of hotel expenses isn't affordable. I'm not resentful. Actually I would rather wait til my bios are older so they can really appreciate the places we'd visit. Right nowthey are still young. My kids knew nothing about the trip anyway so no harm to them. It is dh that is most upset because he is the one who really wanted to go. I just don't feel right forcing my uncle and his wife to allow ss to stay at their house. We have only known his wife 3 years an like I said, it took her that long before she felt comfortable inviting my mom and us to her house to visit. She is extremely reserved and private. It took her two years for her to be brave enough to go with my uncle and visit and meet my mom. They don't have people over to their house much. It was A LOT for them to invite us to visit. And a big deal. I don't want to take advantage of the situation. And since they are both private people I wouldn't want to put them in a situation where they feel uncomfortable IN THEIR OWN HOUSE. And although we aren't going this summer, their offer still stands for whenever we do want to go.
Also, the trip was 'up in the
Also, the trip was 'up in the air' anyway. I wasn't sure if we could afford the airfare as it was or even if our dates we could go would work with my uncles schedule anyway. We had tossed the idea around last summer. And yes, last summer dh was ok with us going without ss. We have gone places without ss. We hadn't talked about it til after Christmas again. Dh does finances and I asked him if we could afford to go- it was possible but not sure. Then last week I told him if we wer going we needed to let my uncle know our dates. No response. This weekend he tells my mom let's go thentells ss we are going. Nothing to me about it even. So yeah, we are cancelling but not really. Can't cancel a trip that was never really planned anyway. Just postponing it at a time that would be better.