Intro Continued
Hey everyone! Thank you for all your replies! In no way has it been an easy journey. Not AT ALL! But I have been in her life since she was 2 months old. Very toxic BM who tried to take her away multiple times resulting in going to court for every other weekend and ending up with 50/50 due to her lifestyle (going to the bar with her, moving multiple times, domestic violence, keeping her away from her dad, etc). It was 50/50 from 14 months old until just recently where DH fought for majority. (She lives 4 hours away from us and we have been paying child support, doing all the driving, paying all medical bills, etc). Well it looked like she wasn't going to get what she wanted in court and we were going to get majority (SD has friends since a baby here, there she doesnt. She's in activities such as ballet, swimming, tap, karate, etc here and there she doesn't. We have been taking her to school here and we found out she was lying about taking her to school there. She lives in a studio apartment with her mom, mom's bf, his son, and her 2 month old baby brother where she shares a bed with the bf son and here she has her own bedroom. We take her to ALL her doctors appts, pay for all her medications, dentist, etc and she has done none of that..... etc etc) So in the end it was going towards DH getting majority and she ended up saying she would move to our town to keep 50/50. She is supposed to move by January 1 but it looks like it's not happening. If that doesnt happen then SD lives with us and she gets every other weekend until she moves up.
Background, my DH has been very supportive. She is not allowed to disrespect me, or anyone for that matter. BM has been very toxic and tries to be vile towards me and speak that way towards SD (SD has said herself that her mother doesn't like me) but it hasn't changed how she feels about me so far. We always have to correct her attitude when she's here because she has no rules at her moms. She is so disrespectiful there. She doesn't teach her anything (I taught her how to read, write, math, etc.) SD calls me mommy (her choice) DH calls me by name when he speaks to her and even told her to call me by my name but she refuses to. She knows I'm her stepmom but she says she wants to call me mommy and cries if you try to tell her otherwise.
I think that's the gist of it but if you guys have any questions or anything, I'd be glad to answer them!!
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Comments
So I'm supposed to break my
So I'm supposed to break my SD heart whom I have raised from 2 months old and lives with us most of the time for the sake of the feelings of other people? I'm supposed to let her cry and feel unloved because others find it offensive or wrong? We have spoken to her about it many times and she REFUSES to call me anything but mommy. She said she feels like I don't love her as much as my BS because I don't want her to call me mommy. We have told her multiple times it doesn't change how much I love her whatever she calls me and she asks then why can't she call me mom. Makes her feel like she is loved less. We tell her I'm not her mom and she says she knows that but I love her like a mom so why can't she call me that? We say she has a mom she says I know that. But you're my stepmom so you are a mom to me too. You love me and teach me and etc.
So in the end I'm supposed to say no. I don't care how you feel. I care more about how other people feel who don't live with us who don't have any or a big part in our lives. I care more about other people whom I've never met or only see once in awhile opposed to you who I see almost daily and take care of?
Love your response. You're
Love your response. You're not sugar coating but you're also not being completely close minded. I've thought many times what would happen if DH and I split up and I'd RATHER have a SM in my kids lives that is a good woman that I can collaborate with and such. In the end I know I'm his mother and if the SM loves him enough for him to decide to call her mommy, then I'm blessed to have that. As long as she isn't crazy and trying to say she is the mom and birthed him and all that lol. I wouldn't mind it. I'd probably trust her more with my son than DH. And I know times are going to be hard. I've run into a few things already and can foresee how things can play out in the future.
I DO have a supportive DH though. He doesn't stand for BMs antics and any disrespect. We have the same parenting style and we have equal ground in decisions regarding the kids. Plus I am the main one that does things with me SD. If she gooses she doesn't want me to be a mom to her anymore, she will lose out on a lot because with her real mom all she does is watch tv according to her.
I can go right ahead and take my son to events, classes, teaching him, etc and not be a mom to her but I know she would not be happy about that.
Her mother has told her many times I don't have the right to do all that with her because I'm not her mom. And that just upsets her because she says then she won't have a mom that does anything with her.
And I love your statement
And I love your statement about labels. I hate them!! My kids call everyone titi and they aren't. They call people aunt and uncle who aren't. Do adoptive mothers label themselves as adopted mommy? Does SD have to call my son her half brother when she introduces him? Her mom has a bf of 4 years with a son and she calls him her brother. Should I tell her no he has no relation to you. He's not even really your step brother. Should bio mothers be called biomommy? A little girl I watched since she was 7 months old and is now 6 years old calls me momma ___. Her mom told me she asked to call me that because in her words I love her like her mom does. Every Mother's Day her mom says happy Mother's Day to me from her daughter because I love her like my own.
I hate labels.