Thanks guys! This is pretty much the conclusion i've come to. I'm pretty sure it is an attention getting thing and I just found out that BM is forcing SS11 to sleep in the same bed with SS5 and when SS11 isn't home for some reason (summer camp, science camp etc...) BM has SS5 sleep in her bed. She doesn't even encourage him to try sleeping alone and I think she has him sleep with her because SHE is lonely, not because she thinks SS5 needs comfort. I've been really anxious about being too harsh if he really is having nightmares, but I think your suggestions are a great compromise. I'll try it out tomorrow morning if he comes in (which I am 99.9% sure he will). I really like the sleeping bag idea because if he really is having nightly, repetitive nightmares and I'm reading this all wrong, this would hypothetically provide him with comfort without giving in to manipulative and unhealthy attention-getting behavior.

SS11 can be a total pain in the ass and obnoxious, but he is pretty straightforward about what he wants. Right after H and I married, he tried out some passive stuff and wouldn't ask for things outright and instead sighed a lot and "wished" he could have things. We consistently told him to not be passive and to say what he wants outright so we can discuss it and he can get a yes or no answer and he is pretty good about it for the most part. Because of his autism (among other things) he is very blunt and has a hard time empathizing and seeing other people's perspectives. The result is that he says tacky and thoughtless things, but at least it's all out there and not manipulative. I can work with that and aim for improving his empathy and social skills, but I have a harder time with SS5 because the only way he seems to be able to try to get his needs met is to be manipulative. He is absolutely imitating BM because she tries to be manipulative and when she wants something from H that she knows isn't appropriate (like extra money because she blew the CS on shopping or wanting H to perform household repairs for her) she never asks outright and instead drops obvious hints and asks the skids to ask for her. I know she is massively manipulative with other people too and SS5 is blatantly copying her. I have been suspicious about the whole "nightmare" situation for a while, but this morning pretty much confirmed it for me. Like clockwork, SS5 showed up in my bedroom at 7:00am, armed with about fourteen small stuffed animals and his "baby" blanket. He didn't even bother to act scared and cheerfully announced that he had a nightmare and climbed into bed. He asked me to put my arm around him and then when I asked him what his nightmare was about he ignored me and piped up with, "I like turtles, a lot." I was too tired to deal with it and so I told him that if he was going to be in our bed that he needed to go back to sleep (so I could get some freaking sleep!) and just as I was dozing off, he started rattling off a bunch of barely understandable stuff about his various stuffed animals and random animal facts. He was obviously not scared or upset and just wanted attention from me. This pretty much sealed it for me and I think I am going to try the first suggestion and sit with him by his bed and talk to him about the "nightmare" and comfort him and if that doesn't work, I will definitely do the sleeping bag thing. That would never have occurred to me, so thanks! If he really is having nightmares, he will be close to me and comforted, but he won't get the "special" reward of getting in our bed and getting that kind of attention.

On a related tangent/rant, the thing that I don't understand is that with us he gets tons of one on one attention and is hardly lacking in affection. Sometimes I think he is jealous of H being so affectionate with me, even though he is an incredibly affectionate dad and gives him tons of love and attention. Sometimes, if H is hugging me or we are sitting on the couch holding hands and he is being obviously sweet or romantic, SS5 will have some sort of "crisis" that requires dad's instant attention or he will sulk and pout, which annoyingly, never fails to get sympathy and attention from H. It seems like some emotional need is just not being met, but I have no clue what it could possibly be because both H and I give him lots of attention and spend a lot of time with him playing and helping him with homework, talking to him, etc... It seems like we could sit at his feet worshipping all day and he would still want more attention. We give him positive feedback for his good behavior and spend a lot of time talking to him about his interests and doing projects with him, so I'm not sure exactly what he even wants? Constant, undivided attention? That's not going to happen because it wouldn't be good for him or healthy for anyone, but I would like to know what is at the root of all this. He also gets jealous of SS11 and will always try to get attention and steal the limelight if SS11 is getting praise or even if we are just talking to him. When we praise SS11 for positive behavior, SS5 ALWAYS pipes up and demands the same praise. For example, today SS11 was really sweet and kind with my best friend's toddler when they were visiting and after they left, I told SS11 that I was really proud of him for being so good with the little one. He was thrilled, but, of course, SS5, who had been sulky and refused to share his toys and had been sent to time-out twice for being rude, asked if I was proud of him and if he had been good with my friend's son. He didn't ask it like he was insecure or anxious, but more like demanding, like angry with me that I didn't praise him. When SS11 is praised by either H or I, SS5 always asks stuff like, "I am a good kid too, right?" and "I obeyed and was polite too, wasn't I?" His tone is always angry and sulky, not anxious. In those situations, he has almost always been horrible and there seems to be a disconnect in his mind. Like he expects to behave rudely to other kids and still get praise that he doesn't deserve. BM is modeling crazy entitled behavior and seems to think that consequences don't apply to her so I know SS5 is seeing that with her, but SS11 doesn't act like that and both kids see normal behavior modeled by H and I as much as they see the crazy behavior of their mother. I am going to do everything I can to nip the behavior in the bud, but I am mystified as to why he is so odd in this way. He does have H wrapped around his finger in this respect and I have to step in and be the voice of reason when I see that SS5 is getting away with things he shouldn't because H guilt parents to a certain extent and projects his own childhood issues onto SS. H was a very sensitive, sweet and earnest little kid and honest to a fault and he interprets SS5's moody sulkiness and obvious manipulation as extreme emotion and sensitivity. What he fails to see is that where he was a sweet and caring little boy, if a little serious, SS5 is demanding, spoiled and manipulative in many ways. He definitely projects his own father issues onto SS5. When SS5 rightfully gets in trouble for bad behavior, I see him get angry because he is in trouble and then he tries to get sympathy from H by crying or saying he is "sad." I care a lot about the skids, although it is a love-hate relationship, but the manipulation thing really gets under my skin. He tried it with me and I know it's an act because I have called him on it right out and the pouty tears always stop and he just gets angry. He has gone from a theatrically trembling lower lip and giant tear filled eyes to stomping his foot and screaming at me when I tell him to basically cut the crap (I don't put it like that, but he gets the idea). H has those weird bio-parent blinders on and doesn't see this stuff at all. The big guns that SS5 always pulls out if he is desperate and H is harder to crack than usual is to say, "dad, I love you." right as he is getting in trouble. This worked like a charm with H at first, but I had a long talk with H and told him that he needs to keep the consequences to rule-breaking consistent, even if he has a hard time emotionally with it. I can see him emotionally waver and almost give in sometimes and when that happens, I step in and firmly and calmly dole out the consequence until H pulls it together. The pitiful little loving son act always disappears and the anger comes out, but I would rather address his anger issues than have a five year old orchestrating my home and manipulating H's heart strings for his own advantage.

I find this behavior really repulsive, but at the same time I am aware that he is only five and that we have many years (oh joy) to positively influence him and encourage him to get his needs met directly and without manipulation. I am naturally a softy in general, so I always have to carefully assess the situation and figure out whether he is genuinely sad or scared or if it is his manipulation (hence the worries about the nightmare scenario). I don't want to neglect his emotional needs if he needs support and understanding, but I also don't want to raise a soulless little emotional psychopath either. I talked to my mom about all this stuff recently and even though she doesn't work with kids, it's nice to have the professional counselor perspective and get advice from someone who will give it to me straight. I told her how depressing it is to constantly be struggling with massive skid issues and that although things are a million times better than they used to be, it still hits me sometimes that they will never be normal kids and that I won't ever love them the way I would love my own, normal kids. The surge of unrestrained and unhesitating love and affection I have for my darling, normal nephew always makes me extra aware that I don't have a child (yet) that I feel that way about. My nephew has his normal kid issues and briefly went through a tantrum stage (the terrible threes I guess) and is definitely not perfect, but he is very normal and undamaged compared to my skids and it gets really depressing sometimes. The current biggest problem with my nephew is that he is stubborn about dressing himself and currently insists on wearing mis-matching shoes and bizarre clothing combinations that always include his Bakugan hip holster and a plastic Darth Vader helmet. If they are going anywhere important, like church, it is a huge struggle for my sister to get him to wear appropriate clothes. Compared to my skids issues, I would trade their crap for five hundred Darth Vader helmet wearing pre-schoolers any day. My moms advice was to view the skids as "special needs" kids and to not expect them to be like normal kids and instead view them as damaged goods, so I can keep my expectations and the inevitable resulting disappointment to a minimum. She pointed out that they have extremely bad genetics going against them on one side (ugly, very low intelligence, borderline personality disorder, familial drug abuse patterns etc...) as well as one parent that is a total disaster and not only models horrible behavior, but also has an extremely damaging and destructive parenting style. I know that having their parents split up has not been easy for them, but I don't understand where the extreme manipulation comes from when it comes to SS5? I work my ass off to be a great role model, teach compassion and kindness and raise them to be basically decent people, and I know that I do a pretty good job of it and that they are a million times better than this time last year, but it really feels like a depressing uphill battle and instead of struggling to the top of the mountain to be rewarded with a great view, it feels like touring an underground sewer system, sloshing your way through canals of raw sewage and being stoked if rats don't run on your feet.

Sorry to go on an on, but it sure helps to write it all out and think it through clearly. I guess the best I can do with this particular problem (the nightmares as well as the other manipulation) is to set very clear boundaries and make it impossible for him to get attention in an unhealthy or indirect way. I'm going to try your guy's suggestions and see how it goes...

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

Tiny Update on this:

Lo and Behold, as I predicted, SS5 had a "nightmare" this morning, but apparently this time, he didn't bother to wake me up as I woke up and looked over to see that my little SS was snoring in my bed! I must have been really tired not to have noticed him come in, but usually he is pretty persistent in waking me up and I guess he decided this morning to just hop on in bed with me and not bother with the whole nightmare story. The whole gang was there (his fifteen-twenty stuffed animals that go with him everywhere) and he looked happy and peaceful, with nary a nightmare in sight. Since he just came in and hopped into our bed, I didn't really have a chance to try the whole comforting him in his own bed or sleeping bag on the floor idea, so I just decided to let it go this time. Their psycho bitch of a mother had custody of them for the day today (Christmas Eve) so when I woke up, instead of being lazy and going back to sleep which is my natural inclination, I had to get up and woke up SS5 at the same time. Unlike their incompetent mother, I actually know how to get kids ready for the day and popped them through baths, got them in cozy, festive winter outfits and made them a healthy breakfast. I had an hour to get them ready to go and when the loser showed up, they were happy, clean, well fed and ready to face the day, so I was stoked. BM was disheveled and seemed completely freaked out to have to face me (usually H handles all the drop offs and skid exchanges) and it was very satisfying to send them off to her as they should be every morning; warm, well dressed and happy.

They had a shitty day with her and came back cranky and unhappy, but were soon back to their normal selves. SS5 was especially sulky, but my whole family was over and the skids soon became happy and excited and after we put out some carrots and cookies for Santa, they were completely back to the excited and happy mood they started the day out in and I am looking forward to giving them a fun Christmas day in the morning.I am putting the whole nightmare issue on hiatus until Christmas is over and will deal with it then. Their holiday schedule is completely different and their routine is different with all the holiday stuff, so I am not going to worry about it until after things settle down.

On a completely separate note, it was very satisfying to see BMs reaction as she saw how happy the skids have been with me this past week and I hope she takes a clue from how I take care of them and starts kicking into gear in regards to giving them at least some of the attention they deserve. I have a strong feeling that if she was nurturing them the way she is supposed to, this whole nightmare problem wouldn't be an issue at all....

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde