By "It", I mean being verbally beaten up on a regular basis by my adult (40+ years old) SD.  My husband was a single dad when we met, and my SD was 9.  We got married when she was 11, and when she was 12, we welcomed twin daughters of our own.  My SD was angry and created "storms" when she was a teenager. Her toddler sisters felt the fall-out of continuous arguments, slamming doors, and we tried to keep the peace in the family.  She wouldn't show me respect and my DH told me to not say anything.  Whenever my SD and I had a disagreement, he would come to my SD defense.  Over the years, I've told him I need to be able to make my own relationship with SD.  I can't be asked to be responsible like a mom, but have not rights to treat her like I'm her mom.  I've been in a losing cycle for 30 years.  She's now married and has a child aged 5 who we adore.  But she told me just two days ago, that I can't be trusted to take care of granddaughter because I never took care of her when she was a teenager.  SD moved out of our house at 16, against our wishes.   Now she blames us for not stopping her.  We tried to stop her.  I threatened to sit on her.  But her bio-mom and auntie (DH's sister) told her they'd help her get away from us and they'd pay for her living expenses.  Now, we're the villains.  She couldn't count on us.  We abandoned her.  And now she treats us like we need to pay for her inflated/misremembered memories.  

She told me this the other day as we were celebrating the purchase of my other daughter's wedding dress.  10 minutes before another daughter's engagement party, SD told my husband and I that it was clear we weren't good grandparents and treated her daughter second best.  We needed to learn how to treat all the grandchildren equally moving forward.  We were stunned, I cried and she thought I was crying because I felt guilty.

She's told us that she doesn't tell us about things happening in her life because we haven't earned that right.  I literally don't know what to do.  I'm feeling kicked and gutted.  I've only ever tried to parent her like I parent my other daughters.  I give and give.  I'm human and I've made mistakes, but my god.  She moved out of our house 25 years ago!  She couldn't abide my our curfew hours (10 pm on school nights, midnight on weekends and she was in grade 10).  We asked her to do chores and keep her room clean.  And sometimes, to babysit her sisters.

I know I have to disengage.  But, she's very close with her sisters.   I don't know how to disengage with ripping my family apart.  I feel as though I'm between a rock and a hard place.  I can't and won't take her abuse any longer (and I've only shared a bit).  But if I disengage, my family will be impacted.  I guess that's why I feel "Stepbroken".

I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts and advice.  I truly don't know what to do and how to move forward.  I am and always have been (at least for the past 30 years) dammed if I do, dammed if I don't.

Thanks and sorry for the long rant.