I'm new here and at my wits end.  I'm really not familiar with all the abbriviated lingo but will give it my best shot.  I have 2 bio kids and 1 SD.  All are close in age and all are married and have thier own homes.  I have raised SD since she was 11 and she is now 34.  In the beginning I thought it was all good, Ex was not involved because SD didn't want her involved so at that time I didn't have to deal with her. I held a blinds eye to a lot of things that I can now say looking back.  Never realized how much manipulation, lies and her trying to ruin my marriage she was doing.  The difference between my children was I could see what they were doing because I will be the first to admit they tried pulling the same crap but I put a stop to it set boundries.  My SO did not, everything and anything SD told him was gold I was only out to make her life miserable.  I did try to disengage during her Junior and Senior years but.............. I didn't do a great job at that.  What I realize now is the only time that she was nice to me is when her father didn't let her have or do something and of course I felt the need to show her I cared about her and so many times stood up for her when I should have said, sorry but your dad said no and I have no say in the matter.  Instead I would defend her.  To make a long story short here I am 22 years later and during this time she has told me how I am suppose to treat my SO, she has told me where he spends his money, she has told me more information about my SO than I ever knew.  I feel like such a stupid, stupid, stupid person.  She puts on this show in front of him, he of course doesn't see it. Here is what I feel I get from him:  I want you to treat her as though she is yours, but you aren't allowed to say anything negative to her but she can bash you and thats ok because she is entitled to her feelings but your not.  This is your house except when she is here then its her house and any of our rules don't apply to her or her kids they are entitled to do what ever they want and destroy what ever they want and when they leave its your responsiblity to clean it up because at that time I want you to take on the responsibility and show me how much you care for her as though she is your own. She is allowed to disrespect you but you cannot say anything about her "just let it go".  I have bought more books, read more articles done more research within the last 3 years than I ever have and that is when I discovered how blinded I was to what she was doing all along.  Did I mention that we have moved 4 states away a year ago because things got so bad.  He told me that he was moving me away so I wasn't the one to be blamed anymore.  She has sent him text messages calling me names and he does nothing, but the moment I say I'm tired of being disrespected and all I am the bad person. I'm in a losing battle, I thought I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore and here we are.  Her name comes up and instantly I have the highest amount of anxiety there is. I loose sleep over it.  I need to learn how to COMPLETELY disengage.  I have told him that I don't trust him because he has shown me that when it comes to her, he will never put a end to it, he will never stand up to her.  I thought my life was at going to be at peace she hadn't had contact with him for almost a year but within the last few months she is wiggling her way back in.  I'm not willing to repeat history.  At this point I'm at termoils with just saying she wins good bye.  I'm going to give the total disengaging thing a try but really I need a lot of pointers on this, I find it very difficult to sit back and watch my things be destroyed and keep a smile on my face and say awe thats nice.  Instead I keep taking it all in until I finally can't take anymore and explode which of course she says see Daddy she is just so hateful. And bam he see's that but cannot see what lead up to that.  I know that this post is all over but I have so many emotions that I am trying my best to contain and not feel like I am the crazy here.  HELP any advice is appreciated, this is my last straw on saving my marriage and myself.  There is so much more to this story but at this point I don't feel like its even worth bringing it up. I just want to move on. Did I mention that prior to me, my SO was seperated from his ex for 4 years and him and he had full custody of his daughter.  Worse case of MINI WIFE syndrome EVER!!!!