Buying for my bios vs buying for skids
DH and I throw all our money into the pot and I pay the bills. I make more money than he does, cover our health insurance, receive child support for my three children and we receive nothing for SS who we have full time minus his EOWe with his BM. We are also expecting our first child together.
Since marrying, moving in, etc, DH's finances have improved significantly based on my earnings. We decided to put SS into the private school my children attend at a cost of nearly $1k a month. This is something that DH would never have considered or afforded without me and it was done at my suggestion.
Because of our (my exH, me and our bios) relationship with the school, we have an arrangement where exH does some work each year for the school and I pay a portion of the kid's tuition - a total amount for all three which is just over half of what we pay for SS13.
When we joined families, I was very much all about giving all three kids the same thing: new clothes at the same time, new lunch boxes, same activities, etc, etc. and probably purchased more for SS at the time since he was now wearing uniforms to school and dicn't have old ones he could add to.
Anyway, after a year of BM not pitching in for anything, SS not finishing a single extra-curricular activity and his telling his mother that she didn't have to take him since he didn't want to play anyway, and his general lack of appreciation for anythign extra that I purchase for him, I have scaled way, way back.
I did not research any summer camps for him to attend. He is with is mom two weeks on/off this summer and the one program that I know he would like to attend runs when he will be with his mom. I didn't bother to look for anything for the other times, but have enrolled him in the summer reading program at the library and have worked with his teachers to ensure he has math and reading programs for the summer so that he can try and catch up to where he needs to be.
For my children, I have enrolled my younger two in a church camp from 9-12 this week and DD12 is going away to church camp next week. SS13 will be at his mom's next week (which actually works out well, because I did NOT want to pay for him to go to camp).
My three will also be attending a two week program at the park that they look forward to as well. SS is too old for this program and the older kids' one week program takes place when he is at BM's.
When I'm out and about with my kids, I will purchase things for them. I bought DD12 a suitcase for her trip. SS13 recently took a class trip (that I paid a large portion for) and he asked if we should buy him a suitcase and I told him he could use mine.
I also took DD12 shopping for a few new school uniforms yesterday, having her try them on, etc. I'll pick up a few new things for all the boys at Walmart since they are so cheap there and the boys don't really care what they wear or have fit issues like us gals do.
During spring break I purchased season passes for me and my three bios for a local amusement park. I intend to take them when SS is at his mom's. It's no fun taking him anywhere as he throws a fit or thinks everything is about him. Even if we do a family outing with DH and all 4 kids, it will not be fun as SS always does SOMETHING.
Still, I occasionally feel guilty. I feel resentful of this kid and his mother NOT helping with anything for him. (Oh sure, she buys him tons of crap he doesn't need - like 40 beanie hats or a pair of Air Jordans, but nothing he needs on a day to day basis).
I really want a blended family and know it's not his fault that his mom is a POS. I also struggle so much with the resentment I feel towards him - especially when I can't do for my own children, because so much is being done for him.
Struggles of a SM, i suppose.
Is it wrong?
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Comments
You are still doing a lot
You are still doing a lot more than you need too. He isn't with you full-time. You and DH are only responsible for how he spends his time when he's with you, and if he's not expressed a care either way, no reason to give him things he doesn't seem to want. You are going out of your way, and you seem okay with that, which is very cool of you.
You are trying, very hard. It is not wrong to feel the way you feel, scaling back is practical and can be changed if SS starts expressing a desire and appreciation for activity.
Unless this starts to cause friction with your DH, or SS does change his tune, I'd carry on like you are.
During the school year he is
During the school year he is with us FT. This is his first summer doing this schedule.
I've felt a little bad for him because over the past few days my kids have asked questions about what they're doing, when their camp is, etc and SS will ask if he's going or if he has a camp to go to.
I've just said that these are for the younger kids or that he'll be with his mom.
But I still feel bad that he misses out.
(But still don't feel like I should be the one planning and paying for everything either)...
And you shouldn't be. Should
And you shouldn't be. Should he ask, you should refer him to your DH. If DH wanted you to put SS in a camp of any kind, he should have said so. Not your responsibility to entertain his child.
Besides, in this case it wouldn't be a bad thing for DH to be a little more involved in his kid's interests and activities. At least that's how it looks like based solely on your post.
I put SS in camps this year because he's too young to be home, and I wanted him to be active during the day. I thought he'd be less than thrilled with the idea of spending every day in someone's home at 'daycare' with his baby sister, and when DH and I talked about it I told him that I could look into local daycamps and see what I could find that we could afford (I handle family finances).
While DH didn't pick his camps, I did send him everything because I made it clear that DH would be providing transportation to all of those camps, and he needed to let me know if he wanted me to enroll SS or not. And DH has been very very consistant with expressing his appreciation for me doing my best to keep SS healthy active and happy when the two of us are at work.
So again, if your DH wanted SS busy this summer, he should have talked to you about it.
Before me SS was really on
Before me SS was really on his own. DH had no help with him at all, so with my intro into SS's life, he has had quite a bit of extra stuff.
DH loves being part of the family and having my help/support with SS (obviously) and for the most part, I don't mind doing it. It's just when it's not appreciated and/or when he tells his mom he doesn't want to do these things just so he can make her happy / not make her mad.
But he's kind of come to expect that he'll do what my kids do so I feel a bit bad for him, but this is his life and he will miss out on things when he's with his mother.
You're right that it's not
You're right that it's not what we dreamed of, LOL!
But we're trying.
Just don't start resenting
Just don't start resenting the SS. His BM, she's fair game. He's not responsible for his BM's lack of support though.
That's a lot of children under one roof to support. No way can you be expected to buy something for each and everyone of them each time one of them needs something. In my own home, I bought for whoever needed what this or that week. Sure, everybody got stuff, nobody got left out or did without...but no way did I buy each kid an individual suitcase just because one child actually needed one.
My girls were clothes hogs. My boys? There could'nt careless and in fact hated shopping and especially trying clothes on. I did for each child as each child needed something. It didn't matter if I could afford to take each one and on each one every week. That was besides the point. I just didn't needlessly buy/give. It really wasn't a lesson I thought they needed to learn. KWIM? One where they get something just because another one of them actually needed something.
It sounds like all the kids in your home or doing ok and none of them doing without. I don't see anything to feel guilty about
Not resenting him for his
Not resenting him for his mother is definitely a challenge.
I honestly don't mind doing for the kid, it's just when he's not appreciative of it, asks / expects more or when he tells his mother he doesnt' want to do these things anyway (just to make her happy so she doesn't have to take him to his sports).
That's what makes me resentful.
And I'm really not one to
And I'm really not one to purchase for everyone at the same time. Whoever needs new shoes gets new shoes. Whoever has an event that they need a nice outfit for, gets one if they don't have something they can wear in their closet.
I'd go broke if I was buying everyone backpacks and shoes and clothes and lunch boxes and whatever else they need (those are on my mind right now as it's back to school time in the stores around the house and the kids are all asking for new backpacks, but I only replace ones that need replacing as opposed to buying for the sake of a new school year).
It is the internal struggle
It is the internal struggle that all should be fair with all the kids. That is how a good or even a decent mother should feel.
I tried this for 2 years and it burned me out. BM complains she never had money to go to one of their games...$3 admission and maybe 3 bucks in gas, but she could go to a friends or drive to here or there or eat out. DSO put them in any activity they asked for, then thought about how will they get there when at BMs or even if they would stick it out, but he didn't want them to feel left out.
I don't see the issue as long
I don't see the issue as long as your DH doesn't start fussing about it. If he does, just push him to get a CS order so BM has to pay SOMETHING towards her own son.
In our state, the way CS works is that it goes into a separate account. If I ever wanted to give my son money or buy him something, I just used that account. That way, my DH really didn't have a leg to stand on as far as complaining about it (he never did, though, the skids still got way more nice, expensive things than my son did as BM's family is rich).
I understand where you are
I understand where you are coming from. I too had this pretty painted picture in my head of what a blended family would be like. For a while, it seemed to be ok. SS moved in when he was 16. He is now one month shy of 21 and last month I kicked him out of my house. I too had guilt whenever I did something for my BS and didn't include Skids. However, I no longer feel that way. Mainly, because I realized that no matter how much I did for SS, he still ended up being an ungrateful asshole. So, don't feel guilty.
It's funny because I don't
It's funny because I don't necessarily feel guilty when I'm doing it; I tend to feel guilty after. Like when he asks about camp and if he's going to anything this summer and I have to tell him no.
Sometimes DH will get a little fussy about things if I take my kids somewhere when he isn't around (especially if he's at his cousin's for the day), but I've held my ground pretty well on things and reminded DH that if SS's behavior was better, it wouldn't be an issue for me to bring him along as well... that has seemed to shut him down.