A Confession about Exes, SMs and the bios - a Gracefull BM comes Clean
I admit it. I'm a BM. Not the typical crazed, crack-head ones we often complain about on this site, but a decent human being who cares about my children and wants the best for them. I receive child support from my ex and share custody at about 60/40. My DH works for my exH as of the last 6 months as they are in the same industry. DH and I attended exH's wedding to SM and exH and SM attended our baby shower.
I feel that my child support is very reasonable as I receive $1300 for three kids. I pay for their extras (for the most part, their health insurance, we each pay a portion of their private school tuition based on our own agreements with the school, and we each provide for them when they are in our care. While married, I was enrolled in a Masters of ED program that I ultimately did not finish as I became pregnant with DD and I stayed home with the children. I gave up my degree for our family and the courses that I took were no longer valid after 5 years, so... when we divorced I basically had to find a new field to get into - which I did.
exH ran his own business and still does - quite successfully. I did not ask for alimony (which I could have for the rest of my life based on CA rules) nor did I ask for a portion of his business.
I also take my kids during their days off of school and will have them in my care during summer. He will not have to pay for any childcare during his custodial time because I will be home on maternity leave to take care of them.
I think I am very fair in what I expect from my exH. Throughout our marriage, he appreciated both my and my family's influence on him in becoming more of a family man as opposed to the father that works all day, into the evening and never sees his kids. He has appreciated this influence greatly as it was very different than what was modeled in his family.
One of the things that I was most concerned about during our divorce was the influence of another woman on my exH. I know that he is no longer my husband. I am happy that he is no longer my husband but it is difficult to see another woman influence his thinking - especially when it effects my children in a way that I deem to be negative.
An example is outlined in this blog entry: http://www.steptalk.org/node/156247#comment-1032794
My exH struggles with telling anyone "no" whether it's me, his father, his clients, his wife. I understand that he is a pleaser by nature. I know this man very, very well and I know what is going on, often before he is willing to admit it.
My exH is also quite disorganized and without my help, would not be able to get the kids to the places they need to be with the items they need for that event (school books, equipment, uniforms, etc). Just this morning, while bringing them to my home, he forgot to bring DS9's gear for his practice this afternoon. There have also been several times where he has contacted me, looking for the children's items that he forgot at his home thinking that I did not send them with the kids... and of course, when he goes back home, they are always there.
When he messes up and does not remember their events, double books himself, forgets their equipment, etc, I wonder if the 60/40 arrangement is going to be feasible moving forward. During school, he will pick them up at 6 pm on his nights, rush them home, feed them and put them to bed. If they have an activity he is running around like crazy. He does not attend their events if it is not his night and he seems to have an issue getting them there when it is his night/day. I try not to mention this when I am angry with him for missing things, but more and more, I see that the kids are slipping off of his radar.
The school they are in now goes up to 8th grade, so my daughter will be able to attend for two more years. After that, she will be off to high school and it will be even more difficult for him to get them to two places and manage them. Did I mention that he moved to another town when we divorced? I live in the same town we have always lived in.
I'd like to have a discussion with him regarding our arrangement. I'd like him to do better by the kids and put them first. I want the kids to have ample time with their father.
I understand that I've divorced him and what he does and how he spends his time is no longer my business.
I understand why crazy BMs go ape shit and am thankful that I have some sort of self control to behave myself and think things through.
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Comments
Just a few things: 1) He was
Just a few things:
1) He was much more on top of things prior to this year. New marriage is the only thing that has changed from year's past, and he's been with her for 6 years.
2) I'm not a SAHM and haven't been since our divorce. I work 40 hours a week and commute one hour to work each way. I can work from home some times, but so can he.
3)I never sign the kids up for anything without his consent. He agrees in advance to everything. If it is something they have done before, I let him know it's coming up and if the kids have expressed interest in doing it. If I am going to request his financial assistance for something, I let him know at that time. This year the only extras he paid for was an after school club for DS10 and we split the cost of a programming class for DS10. I paid for karate for all three kids, though DS10 eventually stopped going, chess club for all three, softball registration and equipment for DD12, basketball for DS9, baseball for DS9.
I know that everything is ultimately between me and him and its not right for me to come to the inclusion that SM has anything to do with his decisions. But again, not only is that the only thing that's changed. I've never said anything to him about it - I just say it here as I'm thinking out loud.
I don't want to limit his time. It's just something that is in my head as I know he is already working late and struggling with even getting the kids on time during the week - not to mention his getting them to events, etc. It seems like it would be easier on him (and less crazy for the kids) if he scaled back on his time because the kids just seem like an after thought for him these days.
I'd reccomend tabling this
I'd reccomend tabling this discussion until dd goes to highschool. Then approach him as ask if he wants to modify his visitation since he seems to pressed for time as it is.
Unfortunately you can't make him be the father you want your kids to have. They aren't little kids anymore so its about time that they learn to deal with dad on their own in this respect. If you keep "saving" them from him, they won't have a genuine understanding of him. Maybe he is comfortable blowing off their stuff because he k owe that you will pick up the slack. Maybe he really doesn't care. Until you make him stand on his own two feet as a father no one will ever know. Its really easy to flake out knowing someone else will pick up the slack so the kids don't actually miss out on anything. Its quite another to look at your kid and realize that you cost them a once in a life time opportunity.
That's probably a good idea.
That's probably a good idea. I know that spring/ end of school is a very busy time for our family because two of the kids play sports that season and there are several end of year events that also come up. It's a hassle, but the kids love it and I always look back on it fondly.
I had thought about bringing it up next year, but it is probably more appropriate for high school. We'll see how the year goes.
One thing I have learned in
One thing I have learned in life is that all people have different parenting abilities. It is obvious that you are able to multi task you life with the kids and can keep things together very well and you are very organized.
That doesn't mean that EXH is the same. No two parents are the same. Your all maybe 10 times better than my all but that doesn't mean I'm not trying to be the best I can.
My Dh can remember in his head our schedules, but I have to write everything down. God forbid if I forget to write something on there because I won't remember.
We should never have expectation of what another person should do because we sit our self up for disappointment when we do that. The only thing you should worry about is that your doing you best and you know your children are getting treated well. Don't try to navigate EXH relationship with the kids. Let him make his own mistakes. The most I would do is give him a schedule. If he can run a company then he should be able to go by a schedule. I don't think its fare at this point to take anything away from him just because he's not at all their events.
This year the only extras he
This year the only extras he paid for was an after school club for DS10 and we split the cost of a programming class for DS10. I paid for karate for all three kids, though DS10 eventually stopped going, chess club for all three, softball registration and equipment for DD12, basketball for DS9, baseball for DS9.
^^^ It seems like the children are very busy. Would it be possible to cut back on some of the extras that they are involved in. This would give them more time to spend with their father.
I would talk to the children and see what they would like to do. Are these extras more important than spending time with their father to the children or to you?
If SM is out of work or was out of work maybe the BF is or has had to pick up some financial slack in the past year. Which would make him more motivated in his business and give him less free time.
Is the kids an after thought to his business? If so, then maybe there is a financial reason.
Most of their activities are
Most of their activities are after school "clubs". They stay at school in the after school program to accomodate our work schedules. (it's basically just babysitting/ free time/ homework / play time). They also offer "clubs" that they can take part in for an extra fees. That's what most of these are and it helps break up the 1-3 hours they hang out at the school for pick up.
The baseball/ softball are really the only full-fledged activities that they take part in outside of school. These are the activities that practice several times a week and have Saturday games.
The basketball program that DS9 did was actually only a 90 minute saturday program that ran for 10 weeks.
Again, most of the stuff is pretty low key.
"I know this man very, very
"I know this man very, very well and I know what is going on, often before he is willing to admit it."
My SO's ex says this too...but she doesn't know him...she knew him when she was married to him...he has changed on so many levels, and I'm sure your ex has too.
I understand this and realize
I understand this and realize that I'm not a part of his life as I once was.
But, when you have someone who you were best friends with for a good 12 years of your life, you pretty much have a clear picture of their basic personality traits. I know his family struggles, I know his weaknesses and his strengths and I know the core of who he is. The same is true of any of the people who were once important in my life. The core of who they are is basically the same.
I'm torn about this, just my
I'm torn about this, just my 2 cents, sorry so long, here goes…
“There have also been several times where he has contacted me, looking for the children's items that he forgot at his home thinking that I did not send them with the kids... and of course, when he goes back home, they are always there.”
We deal with this a lot. But my question is – What are your expectations for your children’s responsibility keeping track of their stuff?
DH and I ask the skids a number of times if they have everything they need the night before they are to go back to BM’s i.e. book bags, sports equipment, electronics etc. And they swear they have it all together and ready to go but sometimes they don’t.
Maybe it’s not all your exH’s fault that things are missing or forgotten, maybe the children aren’t organized either. As the skids get older I think it’s only natural that they be responsible for keeping track of their things. Maybe letting the children face the consequences for forgetting their stuff instead of exH and you saving them all the time – again JMHO.
As for the traveling team thing it’s a huge commitment for the parents as well as the child. It’s awesome that you’re willing to do this for your child. But it sounds like you already have made up your mind that this is going to happen. Setting the money part aside - And I know this is hard to do but - Have you considered that maybe this isn’t a commitment of his time that he’s willing to make – even though it’s what your DS wants? To honestly consider that he may not agree with you on this? And that it’s okay to disagree but that there should be an honest discussion about this, and everyone's expectations.
My DH addressed a similar issue with BM a number of years ago. Stating that he felt SS was over extended and couldn’t handle another activity. In this case she had him scheduled to the point where SS had to leave one activity early to make it to the next one on time. DH expressed to BM that he felt it would be better if SS picked one or 2 activities to focus on instead of 4. BM negated DH’s perspective as a parent and over-ruled him stating “I’m raising the boys differently than you were raised.”
Its fine of BM to feel that way but it closed the lines of communication and DH never really said anything about activities after that. DH goes to all their games (whether it’s his day or not) and gets them to practice on his parenting time but it really lessens the quality time DH has with the boys. DH becomes a taxi service and our home is a stop and flop.
I think it’s easy to blame the SM in this situation but maybe there is more than one perspective on this. I see the toll the constant running has on DH’s relationship with the skids. It’s hard to see DH and skids exhausted rushing from one activity to another and getting home with only enough time to eat, do homework, shower and then sleep. DH really doesn’t get that much quality time with the skids. And DH doesn’t complain DH (and I) support them in their activities but every choice has a consequence. In our case the skids doing sports lessens the amount of time DH gets to spend with the skids.
Oh and we use the Cozi calendar. It sends DH and BM an e-mail every Sunday with the activities for the week. Each person assigned a color. Activities can be one time or reoccurring. There’s room on each entry for notes. And you can sync it with other calendars. It can be a chore to get everything on the calendar but it’s worth it. BM started it then stopped so now DH does it. It makes life a lot easier for us.
Again this is just my thoughts and opinions, just something to think about.
~BettyRay