Is it fair
To ask your Ss18 to leave? Ss18 is graduating in June. He doesn't do much besides stay in his room mostly all day and night, and as soon as he gets a little money, looks like it's goes to his vaping habit.
I've tried talking to him multiple times. Tried in January, when I saw he blew through the little pocket change I gave him for his birthday on weed. 2 days ago he said he was going out to work for Uber eats. He has his checking account under my name (because no one else would do it for him) so I transferred 25 bucks over to him for lunch. I asked him to please not buy vaping items. But what does he do? Can't help himself and does it anyway.
I kind of flipped on him yesterday. Told him that as soon as he's done with school he'll either have to go long haul with his dad or leave the house during the times I'm working. I refuse to wait years more for him to change the way I did with Ss23. I need peace in my home. After that conversation he went to to work at Uber, made 50 bucks and spent 30 of it on weed.
At this point, I understand that when he gets paid he'll blow it on what he wants. He doesn't care about much else besides himself. Wondering if it's fair to present him with options of leaving by September 1st. He can either do job corp, military, college or shelter. I just don't want to live with him anymore.
DH is over it. He is overwhelmed and just going along with what I say, though deep down, I know it's going to be an issue. SS23 chose to leave, DH didn't necessarily tell him to. I know he carries a lot of guilt and sadness that BM is completely mentally I'll at this point (ss18 says she thinks people are bots and talks nonsense and lives in a church with other females). But I don't think I deserve to have my peace infringed upon by a manchild. I'm giving ss18 every opportunity to peacefully coexist with me but like always, he can't bow to authority completely.
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I think letting him know that
I think letting him know that he needs to figure something out by September is fair.
And if you don’t
Ask him to leave. He going to do the same. Promise to work,,, But sit home and vape. Untill he gets asked to leave. Sooner the better
Charge him rent
If hes paying something already, up it.
Then, when he decides to spend the cash on his vaping and weed, at least you get SOMETHING from it.
Some folks save up the "rent" and then by the desgnated leaving date, theres a deposit on somewhere else.
I think that you are being more than fair and this kid needs to grow up a bit.
Um...yeah it's fair. By that
Um...yeah it's fair. By that i mean requiring him to have a plan for after high school besides sitting at your house mostly while working part time to support his vaping habit.
As far as college as a plan, rents and dorms and tuition are high these days. My son moved out to go away to college but he had a scholarship to pay for tuition, and my dad and i help him with living expenses and fees. It's either that or loans because there are very few situations in which a college student can work enough to completely pay for college and living expenses while also going to and passing their classes, especially if they are working toward a major that will get them a well-paying job when they graduate. Those majors tend to require a lot of time and work.
In my son's case, i'm looking at it as an investment. He is doing well and on track to graduate "on time", and once he does, he will have the skills to be self-sufficient for life. My SO is not helping his girls as much and the oldest is mid-20s with no degree in sight and the younger has given up on college at 23 and is working a dead-end job, getting evicted regularly, and constantly needing help. To me, i'd rather shell it out on the front end, as long as the kid is doing their part. This is something to think about. I wouldn't invest in a kid who isn't progressing, but if they are, helping out now, even if the thought of giving the little sh!t anything you don't have to makes you ill, could save you a lot of grief in the future.
Well said
These are things that everyone needs to feel comfortable talking about, without judgement.
I will read through all this and hopefully be better prepared when SD16.5 Power Sulk gets to that point (only 1 year and 3 months!)
I wouldn't give him until Sept.
For damned sure no more giving him money. He may be in HS, but he is also 18. If he hurfs his meager pay on vape and marijuana, he can starve except when he is at home at meal time. At which time, toss him a package of $.25 ramen noodles. For HS graduation, he can find that his house key no longer works and have a graduation card with Military Recruiting flyers for all services. Put him on the curb every morning when you and his dad leave for work. Do not give him access to the home during normal work hours.
My SS graduated at 17 and did not turn 18 until the end of the summer. Had he been 18 at graduation, his summer would have been one of abject misery. The day after his birthday, his life as our live in beck-and-call boy/chore bitch started. If he failed to complete the extensive daily chore list his mom posted on the pantry door, he was out the next day until we got home from work at which point he had to complete the chores from the day before, and from the day he sat on the door step all day. His choice, work, or have no access to the home. 4mos after his birthday he enlisted in the USAF on the delayed entry program. He remained our live in chore servant until he reported to USAF BMT 4mos after his delayed entry enlistment.
He is now 30yo, doing great in his USAF career. His 12 year service anniversary is in April.
Hunger, thirst, being hot, being cold, a life of abject misery and sitting outside all day winter, spring, summer, and fall is a huge eye opener for young adults who have judgement issues. As your SS has and as mine struggled with at that age.
Try it. The burning platform to force them to launch works.
Good luck.
Eh? Fair?
Why on earth should anything be fair? What is HE doing to make things fair? What is he doing around the house to make things fair? Or is he just taking advantage of every opportunity to do strictly nothing? Why are you giving him money when he could earn it?
This kid has shown you that he will take everything he can so it is past time for a wake-up call. Forget about fair
Young men are hard to live with
I can not say much when it comes to SS's. Ours left when he was 16. He ran away with his GF to Oaklahoma, got nabbed by the police and spent the night in jail. He was sneakng out, skipping school,breaking into cars and abandoned houses, doing drugs when he was 12, then taught his youngers sisters all about it. The girls were getting high at the bus stop, dressing provoctively, stealing liquor, and skipping school, they were posting nude pictures on snap chat. It was a mess!
We pulled them out of school, emptied their rooms and had them wear only white t-shirts and jeans. I stayed home with them and they did school online right before covid hit.Fast forward to today, he is now 19 with a 2 year old, qorking two jobs. Our girls are P.I.T.A.s and they had the opportunity to go back to highschool their senior year. Its been a wild ride.
The rules for our home now are no drugs of any kind in, around or near our home. No sex in our home. The cerfew is 9 on school nights and 11 on weekends. If you are not here by that time you will be locked out so make accomodations. When they graduate they have to work and go to school. One has her DL the other will start classes soon. I used to buy them things and give them moeny but I was met with snobby looks and sour faces when they didnt like something, so I stopped all that. I dont do anything for them any more. They have to save half the down payment and pay their own insurance. If they are not working, saving and going to school, they will be out. They may or may not be allowed to take their things bc technically "their things" are our things. Everything in this house belongs to my HD and myself.
I am not sure how it will all play out in the future but thats what we are doing. There is also a book that helped us, its called Feeding the mouth that bites you. It has a ton of good things it that have help us as parentes plan our childrens emancipation from home. I am ready for them to move on!
I applaud you and your DH.
Great job on addressing the PITA spawn and holding them accountable.
Our journey with my SS was not as challenging as yours. First, there was no substance abuse. There were no arrests or criminal behavior. Just teenboy brain farts. But, we did have to take some assertive actions to get him re-aligned and launched into viable adulthood. Military boarding school for his Jr. and Sr. years of HS. Though we pulled him home at mid year of his Sr. year after his Spermidiot hacked the school fire wall and they stayed up all night nearly every night playing WoW. We then lit a burning platform to get him out of HS on time (which he did with honors though it was hellaciously painful for all three of us), and to get him to launch. He did launch, successfully.
You have 3 to work through. We only had one.
Take care of you.