Always 4th on the totem pole
I have been in a 10 year relationship and find myself struggling now more than ever with sharing my wife. When we met, her son was 3 and her daughter was 11.
They are now 21 and 13. The daughter has autism, and may not live independently, ever.
The 13 year old son is a momma's boy to the truest of definitions.
I thought the hardest part of being with someone with kids would be the beginning when they were young and needed every minute of my wife's time.
I made the commitment and held on hoping that when they became more independent we would have more time without them hovering.
Well, that has not happened and it seems very unlikely that it will,
with either one.
Today was my tipping point. My wife took the kids to an all day event (9am-5pm). It was a kid's event. When they returned home, I asked my wife if we could watch a movie together.
She says", what about the kids?"
I said, "Well, they have been with you all day, he has chores, she has chores, why can't they do them and then entertain themselves?!"
She became very defensive and said she didn't want her son doing chores all night...even though they are his chores!!
So, no movie, no chores, and no personal time with her.
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Welcome to ST. Your complaint
Welcome to ST. Your complaint is valid. My ss15 is autistic and he is plenty capable of entertaining himself for an evening. He is also capable of doing chores and he is quite a good helper for me.
Anyone in an adult relationship, kids or no, must attend to their partner or else they don't have a relationship, they have a roommate. So your wife is not at all reasonable to say she can't spend an evening enjoying your company while kids mind their own business. We do it all the time and my skids are not yet 21 and one is autistic.
Let your wife know you are not happy with the way your relationship has developed and you need some changes. Suggest marriage counseling if necessary.
Your complaint is very valid,
Your complaint is very valid, because I can completely see where you are coming from. The example you gave above, was just that, an example.
Step-parents, unfortunately, do often wind up being 4th, behind their spouse, SKs, and even their spouse's ex-. And, what makes the knife dig much deeper, is that society in general seems to have no recognition of this. Nope. Step-parents are to shut up and put up and suck it up and take it every rime. I have learned not to give a damn about what non-steps think about step-parenting, as they have no clue. And, over time I have even learned not to really give a damn what adult SKs think either. I always say a step-parent has to do whatever works for them, because no matter what you do, someone will always be there telling you it was wrong.
However, like you, I do care what my spouse thinks, and I do want and expect him to understand. So, yes, when you see this attitude from your spouse that you are yet again supposed to take a back seat to everyone else, it is disconcerting, to say the least. No one wants to feel like a servant in their own home. Focus on educating your spouse. Speak with her and tell her how you feel. If she is not getting it, see a counselor. Your spouse doesn't have to come. If anything a counselor can give you more insight and suggestions. You may have to shop around for a counselor, tho., because even counselors sometimes only look at the step situation through the eyes of the mom and her children.
Best of luck to you. It is no fun being fourth, but you don't have to suck it up and take it, either. Time to focus on you and your spouse being a #1 team.