After I graduated high school, I got less gifts than my siblings and they became more practical.

One year was a memory foam topper for my twin bed in the dorms and a gas card so I didn't have to spend my paycheck to come home at Christmas.

Another year was bowls and measuring cups after XH and I moved in together.

I say, if you are going to buy her something, make it something practical and certainly don't ship it to her. She is an adult, and with the spirit of the holiday, she should get a gift IF she is going to show up for festivities. But I'd look at a gift certificate to Jiffy Lube, or a nice bedroom comforter set. The last thing an ungrateful 19YO with a FT job and no savings and bills needs is cash. She should be flush with that.

I'd get princess snotty a gift card to something practical that if she doesn't' pick up will come handy for you.  

You really don't need to do anything for her considering her behavior.  Threatening to sue for college???  That right there would be enough to keep her from my doorstep.  If DH feels guilty not remembering her, have him take her out for nice dinner, hand her a small gift and call it good.  If she questions the gift, he can explain how life changes in light of her age and behavior.  

What ever is decided, it needs to be agreed to jointly.  Too much resentment can set in if you two can't come to compromise you can both live with.   BTDT for the past 8 years.  All we have left is our BD9 and we agree to buy presents for the ones that come around and have a realtionship with us.  Christmas is way cheaper and more fun this way.  No soulsucking skids ruining the holiday.  

Yeah, IF you get her something, definitely no cash. I like the comforter set idea that someone suggested- something like that. And then your DH can send a message letting her know you have a present for her at your house, and she should just let you know when she will be coming over to spend time and to get it. She doesn't deserve much of anything at this point, so she should have to show up and spend time like all of the other kids to get her present.

I say spend the same amount on them.

You never know when SD might turn around and start to play nice. But even if she doesn't, you and your husband want to know you did everything fairly and gave her every opportunity to come on board with you.

I like the idea someone had of getting a gift card you can use, letting her know you have a gift for her, and see if she comes around. If she doesn't, you can decide in January to send it to her or use it for yourselves.

But if you don't give her anything, the result will be, "See? They didn't even get me a gift for Christmas!"

I think $200 is the max anyone should spend on kids for holidays and birthdays. It's plenty for them to get something special, it doesn't drain the bank when it's a kid who isn't responsive, but it still shows that you did what's expected for a parent/child relationship.

Definitely take the high road here. You will feel better knowing you tried and if there's ever an issue, you can always know you were fair to all of them.

If it were me she’d get a card and that’s it. MAYBE if I felt nice a $10 Starbucks card.

She’s an adult who is choosing not to be a part of your family so don’t treat her like she is. How would he treat any other family member who was doing this?

It's even more of an insualt that she won't even be coming to the house to get it herself. That she feels entitled to it.

Spend the same amount, BUT ... your DH has to have a conversation with her about what's going on, why she won't come over, etc. She absolutely has to come over to collect the money, and it can't just be a run in and run out deal. 

Do you think BM is behind her behavior?

I would spend the same amount.... it'll look bad on you guys if you don't, but I wouldn't give her cash and I would make her come to your place to get her gift and spend time with the family.

My SD35 was famous for saying "you shouldn't have done all this" anytime we gave her anything. She never gave us anything over $20 and that was only twice in 14 years.

So, the last year, after I had given her 5K and didn't get so much as a hug 5 months earlier...when she picked up her gift and said "you shouldn't have" I said OK, next year we won't, and we have never given her anything since. 

Now DH only buys for the Gskids and it's getting less and less every year. The less they come over, the less we spend. Amazing how that works.

Your child us always your "child". But, there comes a point when your child is an adult. SD has reached that point. She is not in school and is working full time. 

And while I think that all adult children should receive the same cash equivalent gift, and that both teen children should receive cash equivalent gifts.  That does not mean that a teen child and an adult child get the same. There is nothing wrong in giving less to adult children than to the teen children who actually live with you.

As to whether to mail or make her come and get it, both have pluses and minuses and really are dependent on specifics. My DH has done both with both of his kids. Sometimes one is better than the other. Sometimes you do one and wish you had done the other. You just have to pick one for this year. You can change what you do next time if you want. 

Just know that no matter what DH does, it will (most likely) never be appreciated.

Proof to refute her future complaining.

Bullsh*t on the same amount crap.  I gave my niece and nephews (same family) the same gifts for years as children.  My niece always thanked me and wrote a thank you note - she was the youngest. The boys - crickets.  So when they were in college I sent her $100 and nothing to the boys.  I don’t even think they noticed.  It did not affect our relationship at all. 

No way would I spend the same amount. She isn’t vested in you or your family. I’d give her $75 Visa card and call it good. 

The years we don't see SD we don't get her anything and when we've expected her and got something and she didn't show we returned it used the items ourselves. MIL sends money for her to us and tells us to keep it if we don't see her usually too. If we sent anything her mom would probably keep it for herself so not doing that.

Does this ADULT skid GIVE her sibs or loved ones gifts at Christmas?

At a certain point, the one way parent-child relationship is supposed to transition to a more mutual, adult one. If this skid is an adult, she should give as well as receive. Otherwise you’re only rewarding bad behavior.

I’d make a donation in her name to a charity she’s interested in, and give a small, practical gift. Message sent that adults do Christmas differently.

So as an adult... My family has always been HUGE into Christmas. But honestly the firs tyear I was moved out. I got some running headbands, running phone arm band, and a waterbottle. That was it (all stuff I loved btw). I didn't get crazy amounts of gifts, the kids still living at home got a LOT more than I did. I dind't even bat at eye at it. I'm out of the home, I'm not there as much, and just the small gift that they did give me showed they cared.

But I'm also not entitled and haven't even been spoiled...

To me if she's not invovled, then don't give her gifts to gift grab and vanish back into the abyss with. One small thing that she has to come and collect (not delivery) should more than suffice. I think that those less involved, moved out, and frankly an adult should expect to have less spent on them.

Oh, and have your DH text or email her a list of what her younger sibs would like for Christmas. This sends the message that OSD is expected to approach Christmas as an adult and gives her some time to budget for it.