Update: if he gets full custody, I'm leaving.

So my boyfriend and I had the conversation where I told him full custody is too much for me. He asked if I would leave and I said yes. This ended with him shutting down for about 2 days and me trying my best to maintain some weird kind of friendship while I continue to look for new houses. I also completely stopped engaging in any conversations with him about his custody battle for the purpose of SANITY.

Anyway, on Sunday, BM turned off kid's location on kid's phone. My boyfriend called kid yesterday (Monday) morning and asked kid what she was doing today. Kid said BM said she was going to school. *MAJOR FACEPALM* .... so against her own lawyer's instructions, BM found a way to enroll her kid in a school out of state with no transfer papers and no birth certificate. I told dad to call his attorney because tbh, this drama is taking way too much out of me. He ends up snapping at me, which he has neverrrrr done before. My bf is a sweet and sensitive guy so him snapping frightened me to the point where I just erupted in tears. In retrospect, I guess the drama of it all and him feeling like I didn't support him drove him over an edge. He said he no longer feels comfortable even talking to me about the custody process since it's essentially what's causing us to break up. Fair point. But I previously asked him if he was going to tell kid I'm moving out and he said it's between him and his daughter. Umm ok, but can I at least know wtf you tell her since I'M STILL LIVING THERE WITH HER? [turns out he hasn't told her anything yet]

Anyway, I decide to let him deal with whatever because honestly, this crap is already starting to breed resentment. I just want a peaceful life and this custody battle is really starting to get on my nerves.

I get home after work to find kid is home. I get it I get it but wtf, did he just go pull her out of school? His day isn't until Wednesday so I can only imagine how crazy BM is going over there. I disagree with all of this entirely. I do not think it was the best way to go about things. I think he is acting on emotion and it's irrational and will not bode well in court. But I mind my business and take my butt to bed. I do not want to talk to him and I really just want to get the hell out and play no part in the nonsense that is evolving between him and BM. Last time BM couldn't get kid when she asked, BM pulled up and parked outside our house for an hour. Luckily I wasn't home. This is NOT the kind of drama I need in my life.

Well, last night, my boyfriend decides he wants to have a conversation in the middle of the night about the situation but I am so over this ordeal. I don't say a word. I already decided I am leaving. I can hear the pain in his voice. I want to support him but it hurts me. This morning I wake up to little notes from him laid out in my handbag, in my car, etc. basically saying he does not want me to leave and him and his daughter (and the pets) want me to stay. This is making it hard. I have completely shut down and I am being such a d!ck to him and I can only imagine how he feels and what he is going through. But I am SO tired of taking all the issues on. I am TIRED. He says he is hurt because he thought I loved him without conditions - that he would have sworn I would stick by him in any situation. I did. I do. But jesus, this is hard.

Oh and by the way - I just found out I'm pregnant.

[EDIT: the first note says: I haven't told [KID] you're leaving. Can you stay? I don't want you to go. We (including [pets]) don't want you to leave. Can we please try and work it out? I/we love you. "] *dying slowly inside*

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Holy whole other level of

Holy whole other level of chaos!

So follow up question.... What's the plan knowing you're pregnant? This whole situation sounds stressful as he!!. Does that change anything for you? I don't think you stay together "for the baby,: but that does mean, depending on beliefs and decisions, you'll likely be dealing with him anyways :(

If it's too much, honestly good for you for getting out. I think it's an all in or all out kind of situation. You either accept he has a kid, which could mean a change of custody at ANY time. Or you understand that him having a kid means he could end up with custody at any time, and you leave. The reality is, he has a kid, nearly ANY parent would take on their kid fulltime, so when you're in a relationship or married to one, you're accepting that likihood and reality as well. I don't think it's fair to say "if you get full custody I'm leaving." Because then it's like a ticking time bomb. it's either i got this, or I don't. And being all in, doesn't mean caring for or being a parent to the kid, just accepting, at some point, they may be around fulltime.

How does your pregnancy

How does your pregnancy effect your feelings on leaving?

In your original post it seemed that you didn't want him to have full custody because you enjoyed the carefree lifestyle that you were only able to have when SD was with the BM. Now that you potentially have your own child on the way, that carefree lifestyle will be out the window anyways, so does that change your opinion on him getting full custody?

The pregnancy only makes it

The pregnancy only makes it more emotional but I still do not want to raise his daughter full time. I have no problem doing away with my "carefree lifestyle" to raise my own bio child. I just don't want to make those sacrifices for someone's kid. And I want to gush over my baby with my SO without interference from another kid. As a bio mom, I want to be justifiably selfish.

If you keep the baby you will

If you keep the baby you will have interference from another child. You will either have to stay with him or share custody with him. Doesn't sound like either of those is a great option.If you stay together will you be spiteful towards his child or expect him to not pursue full custody so your baby can have more? If you leave him will you turn into the over controling BM that we all hate reading about here. Who cares about HER baby and forgets it's actally THEIR baby.

I'm not saying you should abort, stay with him, or anything. I'm saying this is a mess and it's not going to be simple any way you look.

I feel like you are making a

I feel like you are making a rash decision here and pregnancy hormones don't help! I remember before I even knew I was pregnant my exH stopped at a yellow light. I guess I thought he should have gone through it. I cried for like 30 minutes over the freaking light turning yellow. We weren't even late or anything. I was crazy! LOL

Now that you are having this man's baby- like or not-you will be sharing the baby if you leave. That baby will grow up with his/her 1/2 sister. Your lifestyle is going to drastically change.

You have a good man who just wants to be a dad. That is what we all want from the father of our children- father's that WANT them.

I know you don't like your SD and other than minor irritations to your life I don't recall you saying she is a horrible girl (correct me if I am wrong here!).

I really think you should try and stick this out. You are an a rough patch right now. There is nothing wrong with stepping back from the custody case but tell him you will support him if he wins, you just can't handle the fight.

Try to look past the sticky notes.

He's desperate for you to stay at this point. And you are struggling with your decision.

As much as he might hope for the best, the two of you are looking at likely court dates, lawyers fees, appeals, PA, and having a little girl full time in your home. This is not a walk in the park. If you are feeling any doubts now, before any of it has truly begun and when you are cringing at the notion of her full time, please go with your gut.

ETA: I just read about the pregnancy. This makes things a bit harder but you are within your rights to move now. how did you SO respond to the news?

He doesn't yet know about the

He doesn't yet know about the pregnancy. And I might not tell him. [Disclaimer: I am not here to debate politics but . . .] I am pro-choice, and I do not desire being a single parent while baby is still baking.

I get it...

Even though you are upset, you sound level-headed and like you have given all this considerable thought. Hopefully you can continue to get good support on this forum, wherever this path leads.

I guess I

I guess I will be the one to ask. Do you want to be a mother right now? Do you want to be tied to this man for at least the next 18 years?

I'm with you. How does an

I'm with you. How does an educated woman get pregnant in an unstable relationship? (Well, I know HOW, but WHY?) Do you want to stay connected to him forever?

If you know how, then you

If you know how, then you know there is no "why." It was unplanned. I know the exact time it happened because I was transitioning birth control and he had just come back from a week trip when I missed him terrribly. Either way, not the way it was intended to go.

I thought I wanted to stay with him forever. You have to understand that this man and I had spoken about going to another state entirely and starting a whole new life together. We had discussed how he would feel about leaving his daughter but what those arrangements would look like. I do not want to stay in this state and neither did he. But then the custody BS started happening and things he started saying to me about me being a mother to his child really got me thinking about how I wanted my family to be. I don't want to raise someone else's child. All of a sudden, his plan is to take kid with us and be a family together. Meanwhile, BM just tried to do the same thing and he is fuming over it. It's hypocritical. But beyond hypocrisy, it's simply not what I want.

I say all that to say that but for this custody situation - had we been who and where we were before it all started - I would be happy as a clam.

Sorry, I don't mean to be

Sorry, I don't mean to be judgy, I just don't ever understand unplanned pregnancies when birth control is so easily available and generally reliable if used properly.

I don't know that you'd be happy as a clam, because as someone above said - there is always a chance that custody will change. And especially if the BM is unstable, as you say this one is.

It's okay. I'm actually

It's okay. I'm actually pretty judgy about it too tbh. Not my proudest or finest moment but not something that has to effect me if I choose to abort.

That's another thing this site did for me: make me realize that full custody is always a possibility. I cannot believe I had NEVER considered that before. I told boyfriend that too: "BM COULD DIE!" and it upset me when he was basically like "duh." But for real though - duh!

Honestly... I think it would

Honestly... I think it would have been easier if BM had died and we had the SD's all the time. Their mother was so much of their problems.. the constant calls when mommy went on her rants.. the transition moodiness and getting them "de-mama housed" when they arrived.. then the gymnastics of having to run them back and forth.. the fact that since they weren't with us FT.. they didn't really have friends in our area etc... Also.. getting to choose how money was being spent on kids vs shooting it out the door to BM.

Just our home? Just our rules and raising the girls consistently and without their mother's drama.. (she is a confronter and every teacher.. coach.. mother of a friend etc.. has ended up in a confrontation with this woman).

The girls' relatives were not a factor in their lives.. so we could have raised them "in peace".

^THis. If Psycho had just OD

^THis. If Psycho had just OD'd... Things would be simpler... Most of the behaviors we struggle with are becaue of Psycho...

And the detox is a PAIN.

I got pregnant after having a

I got pregnant after having a tubal ligation.

Nothing is 100% all the time.

I got pregnant on the pill

I went on the pill to make my cycle regular and help with endometriosis in less than a year I was pregnant which my said gynaecologist is the reason that I even conceived because my chances before were even less. I guess doctors don’t tell you that beforehand.

Grace---yes ma'am. ME too

I was told I could never EVER have kids with my severe endo. Maybe the surgery helped but Boy where they wrong. All I have to do is think about being pregnant and POOF I was. LOL

Holy Flaming Train Wreck Batman!

Before the I just found out I'm pregnant bomb, I would have said LEAVE simply because it is obvious you are not comfortable with the idea of being part of a blended family. Plus it is not really fair to give your BF the ultimatum to choose between you and full custody of his daughter. That isn't the stuff that solid relationships are built on.

Now that you've got a bun in the oven, that certainly changes things. If you keep this baby, you are going to be tied to your BF for the rest of your life (ar at least for the next 18 years). Only you can decide if you want to try and work things out by finding a middle ground or start a second custody battle.

You have to make DH do the majority of the child care.

Let him make all the arrangements for picking up. Transportation, cooking cleaning ect. That you are not the back up when he can’t do it. He needs another back up.

, Saying that this most likely will not work, he wants you to play happy family with him and SD. If you are not playing mother, and happy family it’s going to be a bad relationship.

Thanks, Harry. This site

Thanks, Harry. This site definitely helped with realizing I need to establish boundaries. And it extinguished the dumb idea I had that not doing all that stuff made me a bad person.

I don't see how you finding

I don't see how you finding out you are pregnant is going to change anything.

Which is why it's practically

Which is why it's practically a footnote.

It only adds to the stressful dynamic.

What's next

OP, what is the plan with SO's daughter now that she's at home with you two? Did you SO pick her up with BMs knowledge?

I didn't ask but I am fairly

I didn't ask but I am fairly positive he called out from work and drove down and picked her up against BM's knowledge. He hinted at it last night when he said he wish I would talk to him because of how "delicate" things have become. I am going to talk to him tonight. But I am leaning towards getting a place for myself (no baby) within the next 2 weeks.

good luck tonight

I really hope that he is following the advice of his attorney, and that as you continue to talk with SO, that you get answers to your own questions and figure out what is best for you.

Hugs!

That sounds

That sounds like a solid plan. Good luck to you as you move forward and away from this difficult time in your life.

Do what is best for you. The

Do what is best for you. The positive in this, is that you are thinking of your own well-being and happiness 1st and not placing anyone elses above your own.....which would be a recipe for disaster and endless frustration and resentment. At least you are admitting that being in a relationship with him with his daughter fulltime is not for you.

Wishing you well!

I'm always for striving to

I'm always for striving to apply dispassionate thinking and logic in these situations. Good for you for seeing to your own needs.

Stick to your exit plan, secure a new home, and take care of you.

The man who wins you will be very lucky. He'll be getting a strong, straightforward woman who doesn't play around.

You were the one who made me

You were the one who made me question whether my overinvolvement was helping or hurting. You were the one who made me realize that there is such a thing as being overinvolved! I needed you. I thank you!

I am so sorry that you are

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I read your first blog post and I really related to it. I feel the same way you do. I wouldn't stay with my boyfriend if he got full custody either and especially not if the mother was alive. Absolutely not. I think you are doing the right thing walking away since you don't want to raise her.

My boyfriend wanted me to be a mother to his kids as well. I've been singing the same song since day one. I'm not their parent nor do I want to be. I kept repeating the same thing and backing it up with actions until he got it through his thick skull. Eventually he understood that you cannot replace a child's mother. The person that hurts the most is the child. Your boyfriend and the BM seem like they're arguing over the kid like she's property they purchased together. Is the BM neglectful? I don't recall what you said about her.

I was pregnant 3 years ago. I started dating my boyfriend 3 weeks prior. It was my worst nightmare. It was the stupidest lack of judgment I have ever shown. I know how you feel. The second I took a test I knew I couldn't have the baby. I regret telling him to be perfectly honest. He tried to convince me to keep the baby and nothing he said could have changed my mind. His life was not together and the mother of two of his children was unstable. I got the worst feeling about it. 18 months later she lost it and abandoned them in his apartment due to her mental health issues. Luckily she is doing much better now but I still thank God every day for listening to my intuition. I'm sad that the pregnancy ended in termination. It's not an easy thing to do, but sometimes it can be the most responsible choice to make. You don't deserve to deal with all this custody stress while pregnant. That is bad for you and the baby and unfortunately that's what you'll be dealing with if you stay with your boyfriend.

You are here

Update: if he gets full custody, I'm leaving.

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