Ok, soooo
I don't post much, just generally respond to others b/c I haven't really had any problems to complain about with SDs or BM lately. But now, it seems I have a frustration with SD and would like some advice....
First, let me preface by saying that she is BP and BPD. In Feb, I basically told DH she had to move back in w/BM or I was leaving. I knew that sine BM is also BP and BPD that it wouldn't be long before SD wanted to come back. Sugarmama only is fun for so long ya know.... anywho.... in August she pulled at my heart strings and I allowed her to move back into the house. While with BM, she stopped all her meds. I am surprised that she has done as well as she has off them. I haven't pushed that issue yet, as she hasn't become violent like she was or otherwise showing signs of cycling lately. So what is my problem you ask?
Well, basically it is a multitude of little things that add up to one big thing.
The kid has no sense of responsibilty or boundaries whatsoever! It's driving DH and I mad. She is constantly using everyones stuff w/out asking which is a no no in my house. She doesn't even offer to replace it if she uses all of something or the last one, etc. She will ony do her chores if told to do them on a regular basis. She'll be 17 in Jan and we don't feel we should have to tell her to do any of them...she just should do them.
Since she and I have not gotten along well in the past and since the reason she moved out in the 1st place was b/c she threatened to kill me in my sleep, when she came back, I laid out boundaries. I told her that it was not OK what she said. She accepted it and apologized. I also told her that I was finished trying to make a relationship w/her and if she wanted one, she would make it work. The ball was in her court. She has done nothing in that direction since coming back. Fine. Ok by me, really. However 2 weeks ago, we had to talk w/her about being more responsible and her general attitude in the house was kind of crappy. She wasn't outwardly saying/doing anything wrong, just not speaking to anyone in the house for any reason. For example, she comes in from school and goes to her room where she spends hours texting her friends. She only comes out to eat and pee. When she did come out, she wouldn't speak unless spoken to. Made no effort to speak to anyone in the house, not even the animals. I recognize that sometimes this can be normal teenage crap, but it was getting on everyones nerves. She was creating tension in the house by not saying anything to anyone. When she did answer you if you spoke to her, it was usually a grunt or one word answers.
So, Dh and I spoke with her asking if anything was wrong that we could help with, etc. She said no, she just didn't have anything to say to anyone in the house? WTF? Fine. During this conversation, she stated that she did not want a relationship with me. Fine. Cool. I am better off actually. But she was kinda rude about her statement, so I told her that she could find someone else to pick her up from work at night b/c I was going to be in bed and why would I do something for someone who wanted NOTHING to do with me right? So a few days later, she goes to BM's for the weekend as Dh and I went out of town. We expected that she would have made arrangements with sugarmama to pick her up from work. Nope, she didn't. So the next day she works, I told DH that I couldn't do it. I couldn't let her walk home as I would feel terrible if something happened to her while walking home at night, it just wasnt safe. So DH told her how I felt and that I would pick her up anyway. BUT, here's the thing. She never bothers to thank me or apologize if I have to wait out in the car for her when I pick her up or anything. She's very ungrateful. Dh is on the fence, as well as I am about wondering whether or not to bother to say anything to her. DH says he feels that she is not mentally able to comprehend what we think she needs to. I wonder though if she is able and just to damn lazy or if she just really can't?
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Hey, Sia, my SD17 hasn't been diagnosed as BP or BPD
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
And she doesn't do anything here-except eat, play with "Daddy", sleep and use MY computer. She thanks me for nothing. Ever. She walked in on T-Day, for example, headed straight for the room with the queen bed in it. Too bad, so sad. Already had my son firmly placed in there. So she had to walk right past me to the stairs to take her stuff down there. Did she even say hello? Nope.
Do you think for one second she thanked me-after all, it's my house, I prepared the food, I did the cleanup, I put the tree up, etc. Nope.
When I wasted a whole day waiting for her to show up for me to take her to the dentist, and she showed up too late, do you think I got an apology? Nope. Do you think I got a thanks for her getting my car for her birthday-or for having a party for her? Nope.
So I don't think it has to do with her (your SD) being mentally incapable of comprehending what she needs to do. She is obviously mentally capable of texting her friends. She just doesn't care. And gets away with it. Just like my SD17.
BW is onto something here
"...So I don't think it has to do with her (your SD) being mentally incapable of comprehending what she needs to do. She is obviously mentally capable of texting her friends. She just doesn't care."
My SD is still cycling a ton. Recently she hid a razor in her cd case because she is indignant about having to ask us to use one (she is a cutter and her last episode took us to ER and cost us 400 bucks co-pay/ded) I figured it out because she usually asked for it almost daily when she showered and stopped for about a week. I knew she hadn't stopped shaving as she is convinced even a day without and everyone can see her microscopic leg hairs.
Anyway, after find the razor, and some hidden apple cores (placed in a sweater of mine she asked to have) I did a room search which I hadn't in months. I found another suicide type letter "He wouldn't even care if I killed myself but he better know if I ever do it's his fault. And his wife's." whenever she writes mean stuff about the way we treat her, she also makes sure to write that her friends are all she cares about and all that care for her.
Her friends that change weekly by the way, because she can't maintain relationships with them either.
So I think BW is right here. BPD/BP people are so completely self absorbed that they will only do what they have to in order to get what they want from you if they don't value you. They don't ever care about responsible living, as a matter of fact SD outright hates and complains about doing anything she doesn't enjoy. (Ummmm...laundry, cleaning, dishes have to be done. Do you think I like doing them?????) She must, since she constantly leaves hers for me to do.
BW is right. They obsessively put an effort into trying to get attention, trying to maintain their perceived popularity, trying to maintain their "cool" reputations with their peers, etc. They will jump through any hoops to accomplish that. But long term meaningful relationships?
Nope. Too much work. What's in it for me right now this minute today? Are you going to buy me something? Are you going to compliment me all the time? No? Then I ain't putting forth an effort.
I don't know about your SD, but mine chooses superficial friends so they all cycle through this ego stroking, out cooling each other stuff. DH told me the other night that the neighbor girl we give a ride home to from SD's basketball practice usually ends up telling SD, "Yeah...I tried to be friends with them, but their full of drama." I guess SD responded, "Yeah...I hate drama too." And her teammate said, "You do? Then why are you friends with all of them?"
Smart little teenie bopper. Her parents are from England. She's likely been raised to keep her stuff to herself and not be a gossip. I told DH I wish SD would latch onto her a little more, though I have a feeling this girl would peel her off. She doesn't need someone stroking her ego like SD does, complimenting purely to see if you will give her one back.
I was wondering how you two were doing. I know exactly how you feel. My grandma died this week, and you wouldn't believe how the calling hours and funeral today became about what SD would miss (basketball practice) trying to get me to help her do her hair, buying her clothes, etc etc. I yelled at her last night about it when I had enough of it, and DH yelled at her this morning for it.
It's just part of the disease.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Oh Sita
i am so sorry to hear about your grandmother. You are in my thoughts!
I am just so completely fed up....again. We tried speaking with her again tonight and got no where as usual. She blames me for everything as I am not in the "gracious" seat right now. Sugarmama has that spot today...tomorrow....who knows. I know that she is completely incapable of withstanding long term relationships, so why do I continue to get upset by the fact that she refuses to have one with anyone in the house. My brain tells me one thing and my heart tells me another. DH FINALLY gets it though! This was a major breakthrough with him as he was convinced that there really wasn't anything truly wrong with her. But tonight she kinda flipped out and his eyes got as big as saucers and he sent her to her room. Then he turns to me and says.....I think there is something seriously wrong with her. Well DUH....do ya think? I was able to convince him to get her into therapy again and try the meds again as I think she is beginning to unravel. Hopefully the therapy will at least allow her to focus on what she needs to from minute to minute. I know the meds allowed her the focus and calmness she needed. Why sugarmama allowed her to stop the meds I will never understand. Some of them that she was on were dangerous if you just stopped taking them cold turkey. It's a wonder she didn't go on some killing spree.....UGH the images......
I agree with both of you that she chooses her actions. That IS what BPD's do. You said it when you said that they choose who to "use" everyday to get what they want. It's soooo true but oh so very frustrating. In some ways I want to help her but in others I count the days until she is 18 and out of my house. It was kinda a light bulb moment for DH tonight when he asked her why she had not apologized to me for something she had done 1 wk ago. Her response was b/c she didn't need to b/c I was rude to her. That she was justified in her actions and when she tried to apologize i was so mad at her that I told her to go away and we would talk later. To her, I might as well have slapped her. She perceived me as being rude b/c I couldn't deal with her that minute. She just has no sense of guilt or shame or feeling badly for anything she has ever done. When asked why she didn't thank me for picking her up from work, she said she didn't have to b/c it was our job as parents to provide her with transportation...... UGH! Unfortunatley for her, I don't ever see her having a decent life, ever. Maybe I am being negative, but i just don't see it. How CAN someone with BPD ever have a normal life and be productive human beings. I mean, they function for a while, but after that they cease to function normally, so then what? I sure am glad that she isn't my kid and I can turn off the emotion..well sort of. DH can't and I feel sad for him that he won't have daughters that will ever be anything more than what they already are.....
They can have productive lives
The last visit to SD's shrink was really good. We talked about how SD can have a decent life, as long as we continue to work with her so she doesn't end up addictive. We are trying to focus that energy onto sports, so at least it's healthy. But she is still addicted to sugar and attention. Bad combination.
The Dr said that her DIL has a personality disorder, and that her (shrink's) son has been the relationship to heal a great part of it. He has continued to prove he can be trusted over and over again, and the Dr said in the past few years she's seen her DIL soften her need to seek out attention/control/manipulate others. So there is hope. The Dr said as SD's parents, it's natural for us to want to be the person who helps our child learn how to have a long term positive relationship. But like her SIL, it may not be us who are able to do it. We can cross our fingers that SD meets a fabulous man, (with a shrink for a mom perhaps! ;)) so he understands and can help to heal some of her abandonment issues. I found that myself in my exH, when I was so emotionally damaged in my adolescence through family trauma and abusive BF. Of course unfortunately for exH, once I had that love, trust, stability, I matured into a very independent person and he couldn't accept who I grew up to become.
Of course BM found that in DH, and still managed to ruin it. He was dedicated to helping her, but she wouldn't accept she needed help.
Anyway...
There is hope. But we do need to let go of our expectations that we can be the one to do it. It doesn't mean we have to give up completely, but that maybe someday when they get on their own, away from the negative BM, and have a choice about that relationship, and form other healthy ones...
Then maybe they won't even know why, but they will feel a fondness that we really were there for them.
Thanks about my Grandma.
I will be doing a blogger post about the week. I was never close to her, but had a big moment realizing at one point that 90 percent of the 50 of us who went out to dinner and to the wake, would not have been here on earth if it weren't for her life.
Profound. Of course SD made the week about her as I said. Ugh.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Uhhhh - typical teenage
Uhhhh - typical teenage behavior? I don't think so!! This girl enjoys playing games and sounds to me like she has a God complex. She likes to exude control over the people in her life and wants to make sure she is the center of attention.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
"I see right through her and
"I see right through her and she hates that."
You are correct there. Don't let anyone tell you differently. This is the reason SD likes BM to a degree more than us even though BM isn't really around. Because BM isn't actually. Then SD can tell BM on the phone how cool, popular, fabulous she is, and how horrible and mean we are, and it becomes the truth since BM and SD don't interact enough anymore to disprove it. When SD was going to the shrink, the Dr told me that SD hates anyone who has her number, just like BM does. They create a new truth in their mind that you are the person with the problem, that you should love them as they are (which means they have no responsibility to co- relate well with others.) The Dr also said we were headed toward switching Drs, well before the Dr knew she was moving out of state, because SD knew the Dr was onto her as well. BPD people often switch therapists constantly, as soon as the counselor stops only cheer leading/sympathizing and starts expecting the BPD person to do any work on their part to make their life/relationships better.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Yep, during our
conversation last night, everything became about how much she hates to speak to DH when I am around. He said too bad, we are a family and you will deal with both of us. She does this b/c if I am not around during any given conversation, she will manipulate DH and tell him lies. I call her on them and bust her out. She HATES that, therefore hates me. So does the other SD19. I always called her out on her lies, and so sugarmama would tell both of them how awful I was b/c of not believing the monster.
I dont think I really want to invest any more of my energies into her as she will be 18 in a year and 1 month. I think I can deal with it until then!
"Seeing through her"
SD16 and I actually used to have the best relationship out of all 3 SDs when I first came into the picture. She was 11 at the time. Everyone told me the "stories" about her, "Oh SD11 is SO precious. So outgoing. So engaging..." And she was. And little did I realize that it was all fake. All an act. All manipulation.
And in a few years, I began to see through the facade and saw the "real" SD. And once I saw it and called her bad behavior to the table...boy, oh boy, she was no longer happy with me! I was Enemy #1 in her life. And it was not pretty. Because I think I was the first one who ever saw through the act and she didn't like that!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Yep.....SD16 and I
had the same type of relationship. I got along better with her in the beginning b/c she WAS so cute, outgoing, etc. ALL an act to get what she wanted. WOW....are they twins? Or perhaps triplets w/sita's SD? }:)
Me too
SD loved me for a while, more than BM. Because now I know she is incapable of loving us both at the same time. DH has come and gone in favor, depending on how SD felt about me and BM at the time. Just imagine how powerful living with divorce/two houses, BPs who don't communicate makes a triangulating manipulative feel.
And how unpowerful, if DH listens to "HER" (meaning us.)
Because SD does try to talk to DH before he can talk to me when she wants to do something she knows I will say no to (like after she really wanted to go to my Grandma's funeral because the boys were going and getting out of school, then half heartedly agreed to miss basketball practice to go to calling hours. Well, then she called DH from school to ask if she could stay after, not realizing he and I had already talked about her coming to calling hours. When he told her he knew she was going to calling hours she said she had forgotten. (Possible because something shinier than missing school the next day came up.) Then when she got home from school she demanded to call DH at work, who was trying to get out of work to make it to calling hours (drives 1 1/2 hours home) and was refusing to tell me what she wanted. Then, while I am trying to dress BD and myself, plus help the boys pick out what to wear (calling hours were starting in about a half hour) she finally started saying-
SD- Well, we are going over all the plays tonight and I can't MISS practice.
ME- You are going to calling hours, it's already decided, go get dressed.
SD- But my coach will be mad.
ME- No, because your Great Grandmother died. It is a legitimate reason to miss.
SD- (raising voice, including speed and pitch) Well I already missed THREE practices-
ME- GO GET DRESSED!
SD- I just hate missing practice!
ME- Well, I am so sorry SD, that my grandmother died and it's inconvenient to you!
SD- Well you weren't going to let me go in the first place so I don't understand why-
ME- THAT's not TRUE. I wasn't going to let you miss school for the funeral if you still went to practice instead of calling hours! GO GET DRESSED!
SD (inaudible/mumbling and ranting as she went upstairs.)
ME WHAT???
SD What TIME are calling hours OVER?
ME We are going to eat with my family afterward. You will not be going to practice!
SD ARGGGGGGGGHHHHHH (stomps upstairs.)
Then a minute later, seeing that the boys had different colored shirts besides black on, with their black pants)
SD- I thought we HAD to wear black. I need to find a different shirt. Did you wash my clothes today????
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
The morning of the funeral was worse. She asked me-
SD- Should I use the one that's called scrunch gel or the other gel? How do I do scrunch my hair? Can you show me? It's not working right and it looks like crap! Does this shirt look alright? Wait- we don't have to wear BLACK shirts AGAIN? I'm changing! I need a new shirt- none of these looks right. Do you think it looks alright? It's wrinkled, can you iron it? What time is the funeral over? Can I go to my practice TONIGHT?
Then I loaned her a small wool coat, because she "hates" her old down coat, wanted to go without and it was pretty cold. She took one look at it, rolled her eyes and ran upstairs (everyone else was headed to the car) to get the old down one. DH told her to get in the car.
SD Well I am getting my coat! Aren't I allowed to wear MY coat? I don't like it but it's better than SM's coat!!!!
DH- SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND GET IN THE CAR!
SD- I want to-
DH- This is NOT about YOU. SM's grandmother died. THAT is what today is about!
SD- I just asked one question GOD!
DH- NO you didn't! All morning it's been about your hair, your shirt, your coat! GET IN THE FLIPPIN' CAR NOW!
Such is the life of Zen.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Yes...
Well, she changes friends as often as she primps her hair. Last winter she managed to have a mean myspace page created by an "exbf" of hers. That was because SD decided to provoke her BF to break up with her, then met her BFF of the week's BF out at the movies telling BM there was a group of them coming (SD still professed to us that the others just didn't show. Ummm yeah we're that dumb.) Apparently BM likes all the boy attention SD gets (living vicariously) and also courts SD's friends by offering to buy them things when she takes SD out to the mall.
Btw, this exBF is the same boy that she professed undying love to via chat at MILs when she was on their non-parentally controlled computer all night every night the week she spent there this summer. It was like a bad Romeo/Juliette scene. "I will always love you exbf" "Why can't we be together SD????" "Because exbf...my parents are CONTROLLING. We can't see each other, or talk on the phone, or anything for years. Please wait for me exbf" "Oh I will SD!"
Ugh. Made me want to throw up. And is she "dating" this boy now that they can see each other daily at school?
Nope. T'is another won her heart. And another...and another.
Anyway, SD needs to be the most important friend to any of her friends, and she has dozens that change place on her totem pole of friendship from idolized to devalued, just as DH, me and BM switch around there.
The weekend we went to DH's reunion, when SD had just sneaked out at 2, SD was quizzing DH about "how much do you know me, how much do you love me" stuff. She asked him what her favorite color/food/etc was. He was annoyed in his response. Then she asked who her best friend was and
DH "Well it's neighbor."
SD "HA! See you don't know me. Neighbor is my friend, but not my BEST friend."
DH "Well, SD, you don't know yourself then. Because this week, the day before sneaking out at 3 am, when neighbor was in trouble for sneaking a boy in her room at 2am to fool around with him, and got into big trouble for it, you broke my conditions on hanging out with another friend while I was at work and went to neighbor's house without telling me you did. Then when I asked why you didn't listen to me, you said, 'My BEST friend, neighbor, NEEDED me Dad.' So that is why DD I said that neighbor was your BEST friend. So who is it THIS week?"
SD chirp chirp chirp
That's the crickets we could hear in the car when she was incredibly silent pouting, and angry. I guess that crickets are better than hearing the daggers fire off she was likely shooting out of her eyes toward DH's and my heads as we were giggling.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I do think by high school
SD will have alienated herself from most of her healthy minded peers. It's already happening (just wrote about the conversation she had in the car with a girl on her basketball team
R- I don't like that girl you are friends with. She is a drama queen.
SD- Well, I like her but I know what you mean. I HATE drama.
DH- (Laughing) WHAT did you say SD? YOU hate DRAMA? Hahahaha
SD- (Silently throwing darts at DH's head with her icy evil eye stare.)
This other girl would likely be just the kind of kid we'd like to see SD be friends with. She actually told DH, "I don't want to deal with boys yet. I'm focusing on my studies and sports right now" and she MEANT it.
SD can't imagine not focusing on buying shiny things and having boys follow around her tripping over themselves to peer down her low cut tops (she pulls down to show imaginary cleavage) and look at her arse in her too tight/too small for her pants.
It's going to get far worse before it gets better.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
My SD has many similarities.
My SD has many similarities. She doesnt do anything unless told... then there is always the attempt to put it off, or whine about it.
She doent say thank you for anything. Always empties the Britta, and never refills. Or puts food back with so little in it to avoid having to deal with the dish.
She is only 13 and I am terrified of the years to come.
I wish there was a BD who took her EOW or ever, but he isnt local and barely present at all. She is in my house 365... minus an occasional sleepover.
Sia, my SD16 sounds like she could be her TWIN!
we call her behavior to people in the family a "callous indifference". It's not that she's not CAPABLE of understanding her behavior...it's that she really isn't interested in anybody but herself.
It's an attitude of "so, how does that affect me?" but taken to the extreme.
At school, over the summer with her part-time job, out with friends, she's the "picture of the "perfect child, perfect employee, perfect student", but at home, with family members- it's like living with Sybill- cold, callous, uncaring. It's scary, really.
Is your SD able to function on a "normal" level, within the acceptable boundaries at in these settings? If so, then she's certainly capable at home- she just CHOOSES not to do so (my therapist gave me that insight.)
She's not interested in having any type of relationship with her father, or her siblings or me. But she is DEFINITELY interested in what we can DO for her- service her- buy her.
So we have come to the conclusion that it's all about her CHOICE in her relationships. And her choice is that she wants to treat her family like garbage and strangers like gold.
Isn't that sad?
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
My SD is very socially astute in small doses
She can fool people like BM. A lot of times I will tell my mom or my cousin (or in the past MIL) something she did, and they are still shocked. Though my family is less shocked now that I share more with them, due to their being more open about it than of course MIL is.
BUT...
MIL had a very stern moment last weekend. I had mentioned to her the weekend before how I have become "His wife" when SD writes about me in her journal, or "She" or "her" when I am sitting right there. I didn't think it affected MIL. BUT when SD said something (not even mean spirited) about me in third person when we were out shopping- like, "Well SHE said this shirt was ok to buy" to DH. MIL went off.
HER NAME IS ZEN! NOT SHE. SHE HAS A NAME AND YOU NEED TO ADDRESS HER BY NAME.
I was shocked. So was SD. She quickly apologized and then somewhat sarcastically said, ZEN said I could get them.
MIL said, THAT'S better.
So I think hearing from me that BM trained SD to refer to me in 3rd person even when I'm in the room, then hearing SD do it, MIL really got a small glimpse and didn't like it one bit.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Go MIL
That's cool that MIL got on SD like that.
I have a great relationship with my in-laws, so when I need to vent about SD8, they were the ones I usually go to. They understand what SD8 is like... and they think that their son needs to grow some balls and be a parents.
I love them to death because they don't fall for SD8's "I'm the most precious and prettiest and nicest girl alive" act.
PLUS they HATE BM.
I couldn't have asked for better in-laws.
My SD is BPD as well
and it has come to the point that it is now MY choice to no longer have a relationship with her... up until then, it has always been her choice and of course she chose a relationship when it was beneficial to her but I was garbage when I was just getting in her way.
She does not have the privilege of having a choice anymore as I no longer offer myself up to her to use and abuse.
Choices
I know exactly how you feel.
If I choose to have a relationship with SD than I must conform to her terms. In other words, now I'm back in favor because I took her to a movie and bought her some clothes. Essentially, this is what motherhood is to her because it is all that BM is to her.
I often wonder what will happen when SD is 18 and out. I imagine that she will still float around to each of us, depending on who is doing something that serve her best interests and fancies at the moment.
For instance, BM wanted SD on Christmas day (because she has changed to Thur as her one night a week.) It's DH's Christmas, and BM would NEVER let SD come here on her Christmas (well we'll see since now she doesn't want her overnight much at all anyway, so two nights is unacceptable. She isn't taking her til New Year's Day at 6 pm and is bringing her back on the 2nd, SD's b-day, at 10 am so she's obviously not working.) SD only wanted to go on Christmas day because she doesn't want to wait a week for her presents. SD wants to go earlier on New Years Day (we are having a family party for her and BD's b-day that day like we do every year) because BM promised her shopping and dinner for some friends on New Years Day. We asked why they can't do it on SD's B-day on the second.
"Because she won't want to keep me another night."
I said, "She doesn't have to. You can come back that night."
SD, "Well she WON'T."
Ugh.
When did you decide to discontinue it on your end? And how did SD take that? Like you are a horrible person, right?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
SD has always been given the choice
of where she wanted to live. When she got pissed off enough with the rules or expectations I imposed on her (with her fathers blessings but very little back up), she would either go back to her BM or to some other random person who swallowed her crap. Wherever she has gone has never lasted long because people would grow wise to her manipulative ways and she would just skip out when these people would make her accountable,
The last time she came home was a nightmare. I had sworn at that point that I would never live under the same roof with her unless there were huge changes and she was actively getting the help she needed. Well, I allowed DH to talk me into it and I will never make that mistake again. I put everything I had into this last ditch effort. I was the one to take her for her first PAP and hold her hand thru it, made sure she got on the pill and had STD/pregnancy counselling. I made sure she got off to a good start in High School (the child has a grade 8 education...she's 18). I welcomed her back with open arms (even had a cake and a little party).
Then the crap started again..the disrespect, hooking off school, breaking probation (at least this time DH was willing to report her violations). My breaking point came when she looked me in the eye and asked me "Who the F*** do you think you are?" when her father and I were calling her out on yet another lie.
From that point on I completely disengaged from her. I answered when spoken to and that was it...nothing more. Less than a month after this, she announced that she was quitting school. I let it be known that if she wasn't going to school then she had better find a job because, as the adult she thought she was, she was going to have to start paying her own way.Needless to say, she was gone within the week, living with a family who swallowed her lies (I'm a crack wh*re and treated her like sh*t)and after a year, never looked for a job and is now 8 months pregnant.
I tell you now that she will never be under the same roof as me again and I really don't care what she thinks of me or how she spins all the horrible choices she has made. I am done.
5teens has some good points
I mean, this kid is able to function well enough that she has a job. So it may be that she's choosing to be so rude and ungrateful.
I think you had a good idea with not giving her a ride. You said she likes to hang out in her room and text all the time. Maybe take the phone away and make her read some positive self-help book and write a report on it. I have no clue. I'm SOOO not looking forward to teenagers. I'm practically terrified of them. Even though they are years away from being teens, I think they can already smell the fear.
Or even better, if you live in or near an urban area, scare her straight by one night driving past a bunch of bums sleeping out on the sidewalk in the dead of winter and go "I bet these people ALL had a problem maintaining relationships with their families."
More than likely, they're all just off their meds or badly self-medicating. Either way, I think it would apply here.
Mustang, my SD17 has no girlfriends, either
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
A fact of which she is very proud of. When I asked her about friends (because she so obviously is spending all her time with her bf) the response was "oh, I don't like girls. I don't trust them". Of course not. She's judging them by what she is.
H let it slip that while he and his princess were planning her "Princess trip" to the amusement park on Halloween, she had asked to bring her bf. Of course, H didn't mention it to me at the time. I can only imagine what she had in mind. H has a very very tiny apartment. SD17 would have been in heaven-can you feature it? She would have had two men (ok, bf is a boy-he's 16) slobbering all over her for two whole days. :barf:
She doesn't have to worry about sneaking the guy in, either. SD13 let it out that SD17's bf comes over and takes a shower at their house after work everyday. WTF? He lives in the same little town w/his parents!
Fortunately, she's on the pill. Told her dad she has to take it for ovarian cysts.
My personal favorite
All teens do that.
Ummmm...
Yes they may. But not 24 hours a day 7 days a week, 4 weeks a month, 12 months a year...
SD's BPD is "always open" like Dennys.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra