Again, this was written by a woman no longer a member, but we can ALL take something away from it!

The Care and Feeding of a Stepmother

∙ How to grow a positive relationship with your ex-husband’s new wife
and why you should strive to do just that ∙

As a stepmother, I find myself frequently wondering what I can do to positively impact my relationship with my stepchildren’s mother and how I can promote feelings of goodwill between my household and hers. I often dig in the common ground of motherhood, looking for ways to relate to this woman with whom I have in common only this man and their children. Today the shoe is on the other foot and I am contemplating ways biological mothers can engender more positive interaction with the new wives of their old husbands.

To all ex-wives, I say this: Never assume. Your ex-husband’s new wife may not be evil personified. She may not be as bad as you are prepared to think she is. Despite what Walt Disney may have you believe, some stepmothers are nice women with open minds, full hearts and good intentions. I have yet to meet or even hear of a woman who singled out and married a particular man for the sole purpose of annoying his ex-wife. That is the stalker mentality, not the stepmother mentality. There are quicker ways to kill yourself than by smoking and there are easier ways to be a thorn in someone’s side than by marrying her ex-husband. Give your children’s stepmother the benefit of the doubt and be forgiving when she makes mistakes. She could be your greatest ally in the seemingly endless war with your ex over your children.

Don’t ever hate your ex-husband and his new wife more than you love your own children. Limiting visitation to express your anger or to manipulate your children’s father doesn’t just punish him, it punishes them. It punishes their stepmother least of all. Every day that you withhold visitation from your children’s father is a day off for his wife. Love your children enough to encourage them to love their father and to be open to forming a loving relationship with their stepmother. This woman will take your shots at her husband personally, because she loves him. But if you are respectful of their relationship with your children, she can be a calming influence on your ex-husband. She can talk him into things which you no longer can. For that reason alone, it’s wiser to cultivate a pleasant relationship with her than it is to piss her off.

Your ex-husband’s wife will be entrusted with your children when they are with their father. She will discipline them, advise them, listen to them, be there for them and mother them when they are in her care. She will feed them, hug them, love them, kiss their boo boos, pat their heads, cook for them, clean up after them, make a home for them, include them, shop for them, remember their special days, give them medicine when they are sick and witness their achievements at school functions and sporting events. She will try to bandage their broken hearts and she will dance at their weddings. She may someday share your status as grandmother to your grandchildren. She may do many things for your children, but you are their mother. You always will be. Your place in their lives is unassailable. You do not need to feel threatened by your children’s stepmother. She can never replace you. She doesn’t even want to. She may already have children of her own to mother and if not, she can get them. You love your children because you are their mother. She loves your children because she loves their father. It’s similar, but so very different. There is no such thing as too much love, so let your children receive all the love their father and stepmother have to offer. Never forget that the heart has an infinite capacity for love… your children can love their father and stepmother without diminishing a whit that special bond they have with you.

Your children’s stepmother, as I have said, can be your greatest ally. If you treat her with dignity and respect, she can move mountains for you. She can watch your children when you can’t get a babysitter, pick your children up from school when you have to work late, talk your ex-husband into switching visitation dates when your schedule requires a change, act as a non-hostile go-between when you and your ex can’t come to agreement on some issue. A stepmother can give you the weekend off when you really need it. She can support you as an additional positive female role model when your teenaged daughter is acting out. She may even provide financial support, despite the fact that she’s not required to do it. She may be the one who makes sure medical insurance claims get filed, expenses get reimbursed and child support gets paid. Believe it or not, she doesn’t get what she has at the expense of you and your children, and sometimes she has to make sacrifices herself so that you and your children don’t have to go without. Try scratching her back, instead of stabbing her in it. She will likely scratch yours in return.

Treating a stepmother with dignity and respect isn’t as hard as it sounds. Stepmoms have few needs and here are some of them:

· Don’t yell at her, swear at her, berate her, talk negatively about her, poison your children against her or spew venom at her. Whatever your problem, take it up with your ex-husband. If there’s a problem with her, specifically, tell him and let him take it up with her. Speak to her as you would a co-worker, because that’s what you ultimately are.

· Keep a running tab of non-emergent issues so that you can consolidate your communications with your ex into weekly, rather than daily, contact. Don’t inundate her household with incessant phone calls, emails and text messages to your children’s father at all hours of the day and night just because you’re their mother and you can. Keep your contact with your ex at a minimum and centered solely on your children. Emergencies demand instant contact. Non-emergencies can wait. Keep your children’s father informed, but do it without being intrusive. You do need to call him if your child is hospitalized. You don’t need to call him during their honeymoon or on Christmas morning. Live your life and let your ex-husband live his.

· You don’t have to like her, but do encourage your children to respect their stepmother as an authority figure in her home. In your house, your rules apply. In her house, she and your ex get to make the rules and your children will be expected to follow them. Don’t tell your children they don’t have to follow their stepmother’s rules, because you are just setting them up to be punished for something that is your fault, not theirs. You simply cannot control what happens in their home. As long as your children are safe and sound, let it go. “Different” does not mean “bad.” Accept that things will not always be your way.

· Adhere to boundaries. You are going to set some and, if she’s smart, so will your children’s stepmother. Boundaries are not bad things. They don’t just keep others out, they also keep us safe. You trusted your ex-husband enough to reproduce with him. Now trust him enough to parent your children without your interference. If you respect their boundaries, they will respect yours. When those boundaries conflict, work it out peaceably. Don’t lose the war in exchange for winning the minor skirmishes. Not every fight is worth fighting.

This is not rocket science. This is The Golden Rule… treat others as you would have them treat you. Put yourself in the shoes of your children’s stepmother. If you were she, how would you want to be treated?

As a mother divorced from her children’s father, you have a series of challenges to overcome. Stepmothers have their own unique set of challenges to face. Understand that it’s nothing personal. It’s the nature of the beast. Don’t fight it. Sometimes you win more by giving in. Reach out to your children’s stepmother and let her know that you want to put all hostility aside and work together for the benefit of the children. If she’s anything like me, she’ll welcome any peace offering you extend to her and, though she may be somewhat skeptical at first, she will likely become more flexible and pleasant in her dealings with you. It is a two-way street.

You may have had no say in choosing your children’s other mother, but remember… the same man who picked her also picked you. You can’t choose your children’s stepmother, but you do have every choice in making that relationship a positive one for your children and yourself. It’s not about your ex-husband, anymore, so let him go. It’s now about how you want to spend the rest of your life.

You are where you are… co-parenting your children after the dissolution of your relationship with their father. This co-parenting adventure you find yourself on may now or at some point in the future include yourself, your ex-spouse, your children’s stepmother and your children’s stepfather. Any two biological parents are going to disagree from time to time about how to parent their children. When you get three or four people trying to co-parent the same children, it can get downright tricky. The only, and I do mean THE ONLY, way to succeed is to be open-minded and respectful of one another. It’s okay to disagree. It’s impossible not to. What makes all the difference in the world, what draws the line between happiness and misery, is how you disagree. Choosing a positive approach will net you a positive result way more often than choosing a negative one.