I'm so glad...
I've never met BM...
I have no desire...I've never seen the point and she's always been a non issue in my life...
DH and I have been together for 5 years.
When we first got together, he warned me that she tended to fly off the handle whenever he'd introduce his girl friends to her when they met SD...She's gone off on one or two...For no reason...Merely upon meeting them...
REALLY? Welp...I guess she doesn't get the privilege of meeting me, huh? I will NOT be subjecting myself to that Reality Show in the making...
That was a HUGE issue initially in our relationship, but I always stood my ground. I felt and feel like the onus of acting right was on her 100%. Why? Because she has to send her kid to DH's house whether she likes it or not...So it would be in her best interest to send her over with a bouquet of flowers instead of a bucket of chit...She can yell and scream and act all the fool she wants...it doesn't change....
DH first told me that he'd prefer that I just let her say whatever she wanted as he didn't want her to not let him see SD...
Say what?
Um...GTFOOH...No...really...GTFOOH...
I told DH (BF at the time) that wasn't something I would ever be interested in because if I let her "say whatever she wanted" it would set the tone for everything...forever...So I told him that he needed to figure out how to screw his balls on if he wanted to be with me...
So...He got a good grip and screwed them on really, really good...
When she started screaming at him that he wouldn't see his daughter until she met me, he told her that she wouldn't meet me until she acted maturely and learned to be respectful of not only him but his home...She screamed more...She wouldn't bring SD to their drop off location...He promptly took her to court...She did it again...He took her to court again...The judge put the fear of God in her over that...So she had no choice...
So she found other ways to be disrespectful to DH...From accusing him of raping her and sending him text messages and voicemail calling him a rapist, to screaming this at SD's day care...That didn't work so she accused DH of selling drugs and having guns in the house and he was dangerous...A 3rd party agency actually had to come to our house to interview us. They ran a background check on DH and asked me to allow them to run a background check on me...I chose to tell them that I decline rather than "phuck off" as I wanted...
According to the agency (they interviewed BM first) they said that BM's biggest issue was that she had never met me and she was unsure that I was not a criminal or whatever...
She said that she was afraid I was going to mistreat SD...Really? So you ensure that's not going to happen by acting a donkey? By screaming and disrespecting the parties that you're afraid they're going to "mistreat" your child? That totally makes no sense...
She DEFINITELY doesn't know how diplomacy works...
I told the agency that I didn't have a problem meeting BM, but she had to FOR A COMPLETE YEAR not bring drama to our home and disrespect DH...If she could do that for an uninterrupted year, I'd be more than happy to meet her...She just had to know ANY slip up would reset the clock...
Guess what? We're 5 years in...She still hasn't been able to do it...and it's not like DH antagonizes her or tries to push her buttons...She's a non-issue to him as well...
I've had ladies in BM position (those who either shared custody or had visitation orders set) tell me I was wrong, as I would be upset if my ex's wife/girl friend refused to meet me...
I always countered that with, prolly not...My mom never met my step mother...She wasn't interested...Although my dad is a perfect douche, she knew that he wouldn't put us in harm's way, so she didn't see the need for bringing drama...And not to mention, my dad had a new girl friend for the day of the week until he married my step mother, so she wasn't interested in holding a casting call of all the flavors of the month he had...Plus, my grandmother (Dad's mother) kept a keen eye on everything, and my mom and my grandma were always on the same page and VERY close (even to this day...closer than my dad is to her...his own mother).
I'm insanely glad I don't have deal with that dynamic...My DH can be a total snail sometimes, but I give him serious credit for managing that dynamic from pretty early on...
Don't get me wrong...BM gets on my nerves sometimes, but it's ALWAYS because of how she disrespects my husband...nothing else...Between DH not allowing SD to bring us messages from her mom, to me not meeting her, to him only communicating via text, or him instituting through the courts pick ups and drop offs being either her school when BM CAN NOT show up or the police station...I think I should count my blessings and realize how much he's got things under control...
I MIGHT bake him a cake this weekend...Or at least leave him alone while he's watching the game...
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I sent my DS12 to spend
I sent my DS12 to spend several weeks with his bio dad this summer. I live in Alaska. Bio dad lives in Colorado. My son is adopted and I am under no obligation to allow any visitation whatsoever. But biodad initiated a relationship several years ago and I see no reason why they shouldn't have whatever relationship works for them.
Biodad is remarried. Has been for about 10 years. We were NEVER married. We have little in common. He's a nice person, but so are a lot of people and I don't feel predisposed to spend time with them, either.
I have never met biodads wife. But he loves her and trusts her with DS, and he's a good dad, and that is all I need to know.
DS had such a good time there this summer he asked to change his ticket and stay an extra week! He and biodads wife really hit it off. She treats him as if he were her own. Anything else about her is none of my damn business. She makes my son happy and helps to foster a relationship with his dad, which is important to him. What else can I really ask of her?
Exactly!!! And it's a shame
Exactly!!!
And it's a shame that SD and I have never forged any kind of bond...Her mom is so bitter and angry it flows over to SD...She has told SD some really mean things to send to us (the reason DH instituted the "don't say anything about your mom" rule) and has always been stand offish with me based on what her mom has said...
"Let her know that she's not your mom"
"She's not going to treat you right"
"You're not supposed to like her, she doesn't know Jesus"
"Your dad and his wife are led by the devil"
and so many other things...
I'd love to have some sort of relationship with SD, but it's impossible...She's been fed so much crap...so I keep my distance...
and I'm confident that my meeting her wouldn't do anything...One girl friend DH had BM ran off...After meeting her, she continued to taunt and disrespect her...
My take on it was if she
My take on it was if she treats my son badly it will be the last visit, but honestly, his bio dad isn't the kind of father who would have married someone who would mistreat any child much less his own child. Either way I figured the best thing to tell my son was the truth. Biodad is a good guy. We just don't have common interests or goals. But he married someone much more his speed and is happy, and that is best for everyone. So did I! I explained that biodads wife may not have the same house rules that we have but she has rules for a reason, same as here. So he should follow those rules and have whatever relationship with her he was comfortable with, and she was comfortable with. He is a lot like his dad so they all get along great. I'm really lucky he has her.
Why do some women think that just because they couldn't be with their ex, anyone who can is a whackjob? That's really flawed, because wouldn't that logic make us the whackjobs, too?
Shielded - I glad your DH was
Shielded - I glad your DH was so assertive with BM and it has worked out well - and your decision not to meet her until she behaved for a year was brilliant!
I did meet the BM, but only barely - it has been on a couple of occasions although DH and I have been together 9 years. I have exchanged maybe 10 words with her in that time. I despise the way she behaves (continual drama and conflict) and always tell DH (who, like yours has learned to be assertive) that I will start giving BM the benefit of the doubt when she has behaved well for 3 years non stop. He always hopes she has mended her ways when there has been no drama for like, a month - no chance! I think he feels bad because my ex has always behaved like a gentleman to him, and my bio daughters have been sweet to him, whereas his ex and his daughters have been my worst nightmare.
How do you get out of not
How do you get out of not meeting her? I've had to see/speak to bio mom at school events/meetings and at pick up/drop offs. I understand picking up/dropping off at school, but have you never been to the same events? Just curious. I, too decided to not specifically agree to a meet n greet (that bm wanted) and it, too caused drama. I chose to not force the issue. I figured I'd meet her eventually in the due course of events, which is how it happened. Do you not attend functions with your dh? I decline whenever possible, but I have to go occasionally so as to not hurt my dh's feelings. Just curious as to the mechanics.
I don't know how shielded
I don't know how shielded works it, but for myself, I do not attend school events. Did once or twice, but only because BM was definitely not going. And in any case, I disengaged 8 years ago, so do not do the parenting stuff. DH is quite happy with me not going to school things as BM often goes, anyway.
With regard to social events, although BM lives only 5 miles away, we do not share any friends with her, and never socialise in her circles. I expect to go to graduations and weddings, but that's it.
DH occasionally pulls my leg about having a double dinner date with BM and her so-called fiance (they have been engaged 7 years, and are now not even living together since he tried to strangle her) - however, frankly I would rather shove red hot wires under my fingernails for 2 hours than have dinner with them!
I've gotten out of it because
I've gotten out of it because SD and BM live like 4 hours away and they meet in the middle. I simple declined to go to these meetings. We don't go to school functions because of the distance. The only time I've seen BM was in court one day and that didn't qualify as meeting. BM is pretty nuts and once DH (bf at the time) told me that she'd actually threatened some of his previous girlfriends, I told him that no matter how good of an idea he thought it would be for me to meet her, it wasn't going to happen. He didn't like it, but he did finally see how ridiculous it was to ask me to put myself in a position where I would be threatened or mistreated. Hasn't been an issue since.
Dh and BM don't share
Dh and BM don't share anything other than SD. He doesn't really know her, so there are no events...She has always kept DH out of everything as it relates to SD, so he's always done them himself...
He's bowed out of school events because she's gotten crazy and abusive...Unfortunately...![Sad](https://prod-cdn-1.ststatic.com/sites/all/modules/contrib/smiley/packs/kolobok/sad.gif)
I have never met her either,
I have never met her either, and I plan on only meeting her at my skids graduations and weddings. I feel no need to meet her. She also lives across the United States, so that helps out a lot. It has taken me a long time to get over the fact that I am wife number 2 (it has been painful for me) and the last thing that I need is this "woman" causing drama in my life.
I also have low self esteem, so I feel like she WOULD have the capability to bulldoze me if we were to meet face to face, and I would not be able to stand up for myself... BUT, because I have never met her, I am this huge mystery, and the longer we go without meeting, the more curious she is and it kills her... Therefore, I get the upper hand by default.
I have never met the BM
I have never met the BM either. We have talked and texted regarding SD but no face to face meeting. I have a hard time when she disrespects my BF but he is finally standing up to her and not allowing it.
When he won't answer her calls or texts she immediately has SD call him. He is finally getting it through his head to squash that. He didn't want to hurt SD's feelings.
I have never formally met the
I have never formally met the Whale (BM), but when my husband and I were first dating, she called my house trying to start trouble when she found out he was in a new relationship. We had been only seeing each other for a week before she she wanted to meet me. After months of dealing with her tirades, name calling, blatant disrespect, I told her that I was ready to meet her. By this time, I had already called the police on her and her sister for harassment. She, at that point, no longer was interested in meeting me lol. Im not one for mess, so I nipped that in the bud in the beginning. Im proud to see that fighting spirit in you
Now, when we go pick up the kids, she stares me down in the car and watches to make sure the kids dont really address me when they see me. The oldest one is all smiles as soon as she gets in the car, but she's gotta hide her emotions cause the Whale watches. If there is a shred of happiness to see me, the Whale puts on a boo hoo show of how much she will miss them, and how hard it is for her to see them go, etc. But when she has them, she parks them in front of the tv and calls it a day.
I havent had to deal with her much more than that. As far as parent/teacher conferences, my hubby has set it up so that we have ours separate. She's tried to guilt him into coming to the ones with her, like anyone wants to be around her; but that hasnt worked. In any event, I dont really think she'd want that, because I would be right by his side.
Hmm... Yeah...I've never
Hmm...
Yeah...I've never accompanied DH to the drop offs at the police station...I wouldn't want to deal with the drama...
Also, that's funny but we had a similar experience with the parent/teacher conferences. She sent DH a text to go to the parent/teacher conference WITH her...DH was like ummm...no...
She has always tried to promote herself as DH's ex-wife (though they were never married), so she was trying to "look" a certain way...
He nipped that in the bud, early...Along with correcting the staff who she'd told them that she and DH were now divorced, lol...He said he's had to go to every one of SD's schools and day cares to let them know that they were never, ever married, and she's not DH's ex-wife...(as BM would say the reason SD was having issues at school because she was having problems dealing with "The Divorce"...There never was "The Divorce"...)