At the end...
This may be my first post, but strangely this may be my last as well... before I have people jumping down my throat or whatever, trust that I feel like crap all around and all together enough as it is.
I've reached the end of my rope, and it's not the prettiest place to be.
I've been married now for 11 months and 25 days to the love of my life that I married less than 2 weeks of meeting him in real life. We were internet sweethearts. We met and married under the strangest of circumstances. For me, my ex was screwing around on me. For him... his ex was screwing around on him and she was pregnant, and just decided to tell everyoen that the baby wasn't his and was someone elses.
So when we met, he was battered and broken and I did my best to patch him up. I came to visit him from Canada in the states and low and behold, we were married. After the wedding I had to return to Canada and work. Life sucks so we gotta deal with it.
The baby was born in January, we were married in December. His ex had ceased all communications with him prior to this except to report to him that she had HPV and she needed to warn him about it because it could give me cervical cancer. He flipped out because he knew she got it from her ex and was instantly worried about me. Still not a word on her end, and time goes on.
My husband came up to Canada to visit me, somewhere during this visit the BM decided it was a great idea to demand child support from him. And it wasn't the "let's sit down and work out a way to raise this child together with your new wife and my live in bf" it was along the lines of "pay up now."
After a whole bunch of tests, court rulings and then what... he's the father, I get my ass guilted like there's no tomorrow to come to the states to be with him... who cares if I have a job, my schooling, my family... I upped and left... only to find myself spending day, after day... for the past 6 months... sitting at home... doing nothing.
We tried to spend time with the child, but whenever we did... something would happen or the BM would forget and then some. But still we gotta do the cooperative thing, pay the child support even though we're at the point of sheer destitution because apparently no one seems to care that at the time the child support payments were assessed, she wasn't working all that much and living with her parents... my husband was working lots... all of a sudden the payments are determined and suddenly she's working full time... while husband and I are barely scrapping by on his salary and there's nothing I can do. I can't work because I'm not legal, lawyer fees aren't cheap at all to pay for my immigration. My visa's expired so if I leave right now I'll be banned from re-entering the country.
Somewhere in this big mess, he's decided that it's up to me to determine how much of a father he's supposed to be because he's gauging his attention to the baby on my responses. I'm at this point of emotional exhaustion that I can't handle much more of anything and I'm ready to pack up and go home. I can't cope anymore. Before all this, I was fine... his best friend talked to me and his best friend was in a similar situation and was completely well adjusted to all of it. My husband... not so much.
Now his family is demanding we come over for family pictures... I really don't want to be in it.
I'm not doing anyone any good like this. All I'm doing is being destructive. I think of the child and all I become is angry... not pissed, but a state of disgusted revulsion. I'm doing no one any good. They want to force me to be in these pictures... and I just can't handle it. Not emotionally or physically anymore.
I remember once upon a time, before I flew here... he told me to choose if I wanted to be with him, and that he'll understand if I backed out when he found out he was the father... I wish I could go back to that day... and taken that road out.
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Comments
I don't like telling anyone
I don't like telling anyone what they should do in their relationships. Basically you have to look inside yourself, find what answer you keep giving yourself, and do what you feel is best for all involved, including yourself. This baby means responsibility and child support for 18 years for your dh. That is something that needs to be considered as well. It's not just about right now.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.
Dear WickedStepmom. I just
Dear WickedStepmom.
I just don't know what to do anymore, when I came here it was with the understanding that I'd be stepping up to the plate... I didn't realize at the time that I'd be the one to dictate everything, to be the throwback person for everything.... to put most of the effort into parenting than my own husband who I swear just doesn't really care.
I'm tired... I'm broken... I felt my heart break at our official church wedding in october where I wrote in a lovely bit about accepting the child into our family... he went into my pc to revise the ceremony and deleted all of it out without telling me.
We've fought countless times over the baby issue. Finally he said that he'll never be her daddy.
My husband's been pressuring me for a child of our own. At first I thought it would be a great idea... being a family. But watching all this, the more I see the more I don't want to get pregnant.
Maybe it's his age, maybe it's not... he just turned 21, I'm 26.
I can't cope with the idea of leaving everything I knew behind, and being dicked around with at every corner. My husband stopped spending time with the baby because of the BM's constant mind games and using the child like a carrot infront of our faces to dangle infront of us then to pull away at the last minute. We haven't filed for any custody... my husband wants me to do it, but IMO I don't want the responsibility or to take initiative to go out, find and hire a lawyer, and petition for custody all on his behalf and just have him shop up for court. It's like making me a birthday cake but insisting that I go out to the store, buy all the ingredients, bake it myself then giftwrap it for you to give to me.
It's so half assed that I don't even want to get pregnant now. I'm wondering why I left my nice, well paid job and my university, to spend day after day at home doing nothing. My visa expired the other day and we hired an immigration lawyer to keep me here, I'm a prime target for deportation at the moment... but at the same time, I wouldn't mind if I got sent away.
For the past half a year it's been an uphill battle, just trying to stay in this country. Now I can be nabbed at any time and deported... and I wish someone could understand how much it hurts to be stuck like this.
I have nightmares of being dragged away from my husband and my family and sent off. I can't handle the stress of now being here illegally, the half assed stepparenting, not to mention the possibility of getting pregnant right now.
Help.... I don't know what to do anymore.
I can't decide what to do.
I can't decide what to do. I'm so stuck.
I'd love to have a family with my husband, at the same time I don't. If I have a baby now, it'll be for the purpose of helping keep me in this country. I don't want an anchor baby! I went to university! I had a job.
I feel so worthless thinking about it.
I left evberything to become a supportive parent. That's fallen through and who knows how long it'll be like this. My husband believes that things will become easier, and we'll both open up again after we've had a child of our own.
I'm scared and I'm confused.
I'm scared and I'm confused. I want to have a family but now I don't know.
I'm so confused. I don't know what will happen if I get pregnant. I'm terrified. I just feel the pressure just going down on me. I don't even know if I'll be allowed to stay here.
I don't know how to word how absolutely scary this... and most immigrant support groups out here aren't helpful at all. I mean who'd feel slightly sympathetic to someone from a first world country?
I'm scared like there's no tomorrow. I feel so cheap. I don't know how anythign will go and I'm just at the edge where anything can go in any direction.
It is not fair for your dh to
It is not fair for your dh to expect YOU to do everything necessary for HIS child. That child is HIS responsibility whether he WANTS the responsibility or not. My ss is 22. He has a child. He has done nothing to even attempt to support it or even act like he cares in about 2 months... other than to have the child's name tattooed on his side... and the baby is almost 4 months old. Sigh. It sounds to me after reading your 2 posts that you have made up your mind and just don't want to follow through with your decision for whatever reason. You are wise to not want a child with this man if he has shown so little interest in the child he has. It seems that he is quite immature to want to just toss the baby aside because of the BM and create another child with you. Why? So he can play HOUSE? This dude needs to grow the heck up and face the responsibility that he already has! If he's not doing that, nothing you say or do is going to change his mind. YOU can't change him... only HE can choose to change himself.
As goforit said, you DO have a choice. But it is one that YOU have to make. No one else can make the choice for you. You have to make the choice and then do whatever it takes to make your decision happen for you.
I dont' 'know what to do
I dont' 'know what to do anymore.... I just feel emotionally exhausted... physically as well.
He's not a terrible husband, he treats me really well. I just can't cope with the rest of it. I don't want to be the deciding force in this. I can't handle the responsibiliyt. I dont' know if the best option is for me to go.
I don't want to be the thing that stands between him and his child. I also can't cope with being the deciding factor in all this.
Everytime I've had this
Everytime I've had this "discussion" with him, it's ended in a HUGE fight which usually endsu p with me walking out the door and crying.
I'm ready to return home to Canada because I just can't cope with all this anymore...
And just because I'm married to an American, doesn't give me an automatic "free pass" on immigration. Thanks to the government's current demands on increasing immigration restrictions due to the illegal population people like me will grab immigration's eye. IE: I left Canada and entered the states on what looks like having an ulterior motive, I eloped with my husband after meeting him on the internet.
I can't sleep a lot of the time as I lay here trying to figure out what to do. I told him I'd support whatever decision he made in regards to the child, but I don't want to be the instigating force in all of it. I've tried so hard... I just can't bring myself to fight him to spend time with his child. I just feel like it's not my place. In the end, I feel like I'm the one being screwed in all this. I have no legal rights over the child. According to the BH I'm the devil incarnate for stealing her bf. (Who cares if she was cheating on him, apparently getting it on with a girl doesn't count but to him it did. That and they were all happily broken up before I appeared anywhere in the equation. It's just hard to believe that we knew each other for days before marrying.)
I don't know what to do.
Hi Sephiria, For starters,
Hi Sephiria,
For starters, you're married to a US citizen and haven't done anything illegally other than overstay your VISA. I really think that all it will take is for your husband to file for your residency, and you can have it in a few months time, and be able to work. The immigration system is on the look-out for people, but their eyes are definitely more focused on the people who come to the US and work illegally and commit other crimes. Consult with an immigration lawyer, the consultancy fee might just be worth your while.
Please take some time to look forward, not back. Think about yourself and want you want out of life and the steps it's going to take to make that happen. Do NOT let your life slip away, by trying to make this all go away the easy way. If you just return to CA, you will not be able to return to the US for 10 years. This could very well affect job opportunities for you in CA.
I know you are exhausted, but you've got to gather all your strength and take care of YOU right now. I'm so sorry you're in this position. You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do you think his family will help you - transport etc - so that you can take care of the residency stuff if your husband cannot get time off work?
Id hate to be blunt, but
Id hate to be blunt, but you've only been together for a year. You are still young, I would get out of there. You shouldn't be feeling like this already.
My best advice to you at this
My best advice to you at this point is to take your birth control religiously! as to bring a child into this mix would make it ten times worse IMO!
8 weeks afterwards, I had a
8 weeks afterwards, I had a talk with my husband, fought with him on and off.... but ultimately we stayed together and passed our 1 year anniversary.
We have reached the following understanding:
We would still like to have children together.
(1) We both weren't ready for this.
>>> He's doing his best but in reality knowing the nature of our relationship and what we had planned out before the child was born makes things rather difficult at this time.
(2) I have actively chosen to not play a role in the child's life.
>>> Please don't judge me. While most people will be going "you should be ashamed of yourself", in reality I just can't cope. I can't handle the reality and future of being a step parent. At the same time it's against my beliefs to divorce as it is considered beyond a sin. My DH has accepted this decision, and does not hold it against me. Mostly because when we married, I didn't know about the child.
(3) I will not file for custody, he has to do it on his own recognizance.
(4) I can support his decision, but he has to instigate the decision I'm merely there to support whatever it is and to give my feedback.
(5) In a choice between wife/family and child, he has spoken that he's chosen me and the plan we had before we got married.
>>> His rationale was that our lives were going in another direction and to another place. It's not morally or ethically right for him to force me to give up school or my intended career because he had promised to support my academic life wholly before we married. In addition, I had to stop school to come here and emotionally support him and he knew how much my degree meant to me.
>>> In his own confessions, he has admitted discreetly that the child will never really be "truly his". As much as he does care for her, he said that I (and whatever children we may have) was the life and family he chose. The ex was an ex, and they broke up for very good reasons, one of those reasons included the words "you may not be the father" coming out of her mouth. He said I treated him well, and he loves me and cannot wait to have a family with me. If we have a child, it wasn't the product of some random wild night of anonymous sex, it was a being we made with our love. Regardless of whether or not the nature of that love should change, our children are a testimony to that.
As for right now, my life is in constant limbo. I find myself just floating across the ocean of life. I'm not really back where I was born, I'm here camping out overstaying my visa. I'm in university through correspondence, I managed to pay for it using the tucked away scholarship money I won a few years back. I'm dealing day by day with my depression and this site is my psuedo therapy. DH doesn't agree with using antidepressants, so I'm doing my best to live without them but it's not easy.
There are many days I wake up where I feel the overwhelming urge to want to off myself. But it isn't because of the stress, it's living with the knowledge that I've failed my DH. I tried my best to become a step mom, I gave it my best shot and it wore me down and broke me.
We had a major discussion last weekend, where the above points were outlined. We almost separated as well. Mostly because I confessed that no matter what I did, whatever it was I was doing or planning on doing was violating some deeply held value and the stress of knowing it was destroying me.
He couldn't blame me for cracking, because he understood the feeling all too well. It took a lot of tears and time to explain to him that as overwhelmed as he felt with the situation, to try and imagine how I felt:
He felt powerless having no custody of the child; I felt even more so because rights of the biological parent always supersede a step parent.
He felt exhausted from working and paying child support; I felt like dying inside watching him break at a next-to-minimum-wage job to support us 3 and being unable to do anything about it.
He felt pressured by family/friends to do the "right thing"; in reality what is the right thing in this case?
He wanted my full support; I rebutted with "I can support you, but you gotta make all the decisions yourself. I'm just following your lead."
He wants to go back with me to Canada so I can finish school; but how can I ethically break apart their family? We're already having trouble seeing her as it is, good luck getting her over the border.
I feel like the most horrible human being around. I hardly talk to my parents. I can't face his parents. Our marriage was in trouble but now it's slowly recovering.
Now to answer those delicate questions that's probably mulling through people's minds:
Q: Why don't you talk to your parents/his parents?
>> Because ethically and morally I can't lie or hold back my feelings. They know me well enough to know when I'm lying and will get the truth out of me regardless. My parents have certain feelings about what I should do, primarily they want me to come home and worry about myself. His parents want us to become step-parents. Both are options I don't want to face right now. Not to mention our marriage met a big kaboom recently, I don't want anyone to attempt to "help" with it, patronize it or otherwise exert their external pressure on it. Even a support beam can accidentally break apart a floor by just supporting it, simply because it's pushed too much in an attempt to fix the problem and inadvertently punched a hole in the ceiling in the process.
Q: Do you ever see the child?
>> No, I can't handle it. Emotionally and physically. The very idea of it causes an anxiety attack plus an unrelenting anger towards everything and the situation. I'm not in any position or even stable enough emotionally to be much help to anyone, I can't even help myself in this situation.
Q: What if you have kids?
>> Then I have kids.
Q: What if you have kids and then separated?
>> Then we separate. Should the DH go for custody of the children, I will sign it over. Even though I'd probably make a good parent, I know that he'd be a better one at raising them then I will. Before we had married, I was going to return back to Canada to finish studying to become a doctor. With my salary we would have made enough for him to stay at home and take care of the children and that was what we had agreed on.
Now all I have to do is live with myself for everything that needs to happen.