just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water
oldest ss shows up at my home.
yup ss thought it would just be fine to waltz right into my house unannounced and looking for a ride, needless to say I was shocked to see him standing in my kitchen when I thought it might be my oldest bioson.
and not only did he make himself at home, he starts using MY computer.
wtf?
I went into the kitchen where FH was making dinner for his other two and said get him(BS) out of here, I dont want him in my house, he has not apologized to me nor you and he is not welcomed here. if other FSkids were not there I would have told him myself. but I played it :civilized: ugh sometimes I hate to be so correct.
so I finished the food while FH went to talk to his jackass.
do I need to say it? SS said he didnt do anything wrong and he doesnt understand what the big deal is, FH bless him said that it didnt matter what he (BS)thought that he is not to come here unannounced anymore and he is not to expect FH to do anything for him till he "comes to his senses" ..(SS showed up cuz he needed a ride back to his mom's house) unbelieable..
after FH got home from dropping them all off him FH that there was no way his BS would ever come to his senses-that was never going to happen cuz SS doesnt think he is wrong. SS thinks it is ok to treat people like shit then expect them to still want him around, soooooo FH took jackass back with him (he had to take other two for drop off with ex) which I would not have done, but from what FH told me he told BS that he would not do him another favor. we will see.
I am so over this boy I wish FH could be too. I really believe FH thinks SS will turn around. I think as long as SS can get free rides and still be able to treat people like crap ...he will never change.
Unless he improves tenfold, SS will NOT be in my wedding. I hope I made it clear enough to FH.
ugh.
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tough love is toughest on those who love the clueless
I know just how you feel about SS. My SD is the same way. She has journals full of vents about how your parents and people who love you EXACTLY how you are, or they don't love you at all. She surrounds herself with inspirational quotes that she misinterprets to reinforce her own rationalization. Stuff about not listening to anyone who says you can't- just show them you can- or how the man who loves you will love ALL of you, not just the pretty parts, etc.
She has written them all out on 8x10 pieces of paper (used up all the kids drawing/scrap paper, then moved onto using up all our flippin' printer paper without asking) and papered her room with those, ones that say her name twenty different designs, her friend's names, names of bands, actors etc. It looked like a (surprise) crazy fragmented thought process. So DH told her she may only hang non-poster/prints etc stuff on her bifold closet doors. She has them so papered, that you can barely open it up. Then started moving them back out onto the walls again.
I noticed it gets worse with her menstrual cycle, and the week before her period her room is destroyed- she built the gum "sculpture" on her window (told DH her friend did it New Years Eve- so he said her friend couldn't stay again - for many reasons, but also trying to get her to stop blaming other people for things she does.)
Anyhoo, I KNOW. It sucks. These kind of kids seem like they will never get that unconditional love, and having a relationship with someone are not mutually inclusive entitlements.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Unconditional love is not a blank check.
Sita,
I agree wholeheartedly with your perspective on this.
Parents love kids unconditionally but that does not mean that regardless of their behavior we will cater to their every whim.
IMHO loving someone unconditionally necessitates holding them accountable for their actions. If they (kids) cannot treat others with respect and dignity often as parents we don't care for them very much but we love them and hold up the mirror in front of them so they can see their actions as they are and not as the ill behaved choose to see themselves.
I enjoyed your post.
Best regards,
I agree with this too! My
I agree with this too! My sd thinks that I don't love her because I don't show "unconditional" love by accepting her as she is. She treats everyone around her like garbage. I can't stand to be in the same room with dh and sd because of how she treats him. I know that I can't keep my mouth shut and would only cause an arguement. She treats him like he's an idiot. I don't know how he puts up with it. The last time we visited, I had to witness how she treats her husband and they hadn't even had their first anniversary! Normally, I don't see a woman treat her husband like that until they have been married for years and have gone through several trials and have kids! I was shocked! She treats her siblings like crap and expects them to just accept it! I can't believe how she thinks all of this is acceptable behavior. Everyone has catered to her for so long, I don't think that it will ever change!
BM is this way too
"Everyone has catered to her for so long, I don't think that it will ever change!"
I think this is why BM is now alone. Well, sorta alone as she does rotate a couple men through her life. I wonder if she doesn't pick one, live with one full time because she knows somewhere deep down she is the issue and that she cannot sustain it.
I always thought she got worse because she was catered to. But now that I am witnessing SD and DH, I see it doesn't matter. What happens is eventually they push the person away who is trying to love them in spite of themselves. BM has only 1 or 2 sisters left (out of 5 sibs) who speak to her regularly. She had a horrible relationship with her father. When DH graduated WPoint, he moved out to his assignment in Colorado Springs, intending on settling in and being on his own for over 6 months til BM graduated and moved out to marry him. She and her dad had a fight, something about her dad saying he never wanted to spend another dime on her, and she quit with one semester left and moved out to be with DH and move the wedding date up. One semester left.
DH says he used to think his FIL was an a$$hole for how he treated BM, but now he sees how SD twists turns, baits and provokes, how she is insatiable materialistically. He has had his eyes opened about the "never spending another dime" remark made to BM by her father. DH already feels that way, because SD is never satisfied, and the minute you finally decide to buy her what she's been begging for, she is onto the next thing on her list to beg, pester, whine etc about til you get that.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
is it a sickness?
I mean seriously am I missing the boat on this thing?
he truly believes he is right about EVERYTHING Sita I mean EVERYTHING!
"the world is stupid, chores are stupid, working is stupid.
why do I have to work- just cuz society tells me to, why do I have to help clean house, i didnt make the mess why do i have to pay for food, I dont eat that much." direct quotes mind you.
i am seriously perplexed about his belief system however warped it is..
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
It's tough to figure
Is he mentally ill? Dunno. Maybe it is just a phase he'll grow out of? Dunno either. Teens rebelling against societal values are as old as time. At least as old as modern times. They always seem to think we've sold out, rather than matured and realized the world, life in general, is what you put into it. You reap what you sow. Do unto others.
Then they find themselves realizing it too one day.
But then there are others who never evolve past the "me" phase. It's sad for them really. I know as I have grown into my own, I have realized that service to others is really what brings us joy in life. I also think that's an impossible concept for most of todays kids. Maybe it always has been, but I remember being intrigued by causes, by peace corp/mission work people. I couldn't fathom going myself as a kid, or young adult. I was afraid (they go to scary places or could catch scary diseases.)
But when Katrina hit in particular, and we had been there a few months before, met some street performers etc...
I was so depressed I was so pregnant with BD and couldn't jump into my jeep and head down there. If it weren't for my high risk pregnancy I would have. Maybe it was seeing all those moms with their dehydrated babies, or still pregnant wandering around with no place to pee, wash their hands or sit down. But on a curb. Can you imagine being nine months pregnant, no clean water, toilet, or even chair to sit on?
I cannot.
I just don't see SD getting it.
My BSs do however. I remember watching an Oprah with the man who wrote "Night." He was a concentration camp survivor. He was reading one part of the book, about the jewish moms with babies and toddlers, all stripped naked in the cold, rain, snow. Standing in line to go to the "showers" ie gas chambers. He said they were all quietly standing in line, holding or quietly singing to their babies. Waiting to walk in to the chamber and die with them.
BS 14 looked over at me. I was nursing. BD 3 was only a few months old but BS was already smitten. And he looked at us, back to the tv as the author was talking, and back again. With tears in his eyes. I knew what he was thinking. Of me. Of BD 3, standing in line to die.
Then he asked me, "Why were they just standing there mom?"
I said, "What else could they do? Cry, scream? That would upset their babies, and might may the men shoot them sooner."
BS said, "Wouldn't that be better than waiting to die?"
I said no.
BS- Why?
I said, "Because they were soaking up their last few precious, beautiful, miraculous minutes with their babies."
He nodded and we watched the rest without much discussion.
But he has those incredible moments of really GETTING life. And I just rarely if ever see SD do that. If she does it's so fleeting. It's like her mind is so uncomfortable with deep thought, that she gets mad if I would even try to watch something like that with her. Like I'm forcing her to watch it because I'm judging her ideals or something.
She more than once has asked me, "What?!?!? Am I supposed to be grateful for EVERYTHING all the TIME?" No...
not yet. But someday that would be my wish for her. Gratitude is Grace in my book.
Sorry to wax poetic on your post. I don't have the answers. Other than there may be some societal or global shift that will force these kids into reality. Adapt or survive, only- you must adapt to grace if you are to get anywhere in life. Having a me first attitude HAS to eventually implode and self destruct this culture doesn't it?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
he just seems like a selfish arrogant person
I have been more than patient with FSS I was there when his mother was not, FH was there when exw was not.
he had people who cared about him and he threw it in our face.
and still thinks we should smile and welcome him back into our good graces.
I wish I could say I am sorry he is gone but truth is IF it were my son he would be gone, would I like it NO, would I do it yes,FSS has taken all and given nothing but hurt.
I hope he doesnt come back.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
No consequences
Wow--I've had that very same experience! I think it's because these kids have never experienced consequences for their behavior choices. Their experience is that in time, everything is forgotten and life goes on until they decide to indulge us with another outburst.
I can imagine the surprise (and indignation) of your SS when he was told to leave. Of course he was rewarded with a ride, but I'm sure it was clear that all was not forgotten. Chances are he'll show up unannounced again--probably to wear you down.
In my case, the adult skids refused to apologize or admit that they were out of line, and when they were turned away they countered with "What is YOUR problem?" and "YOU are the one with the PROBLEM!" to shift the blame on me when I held fast to the consequence.
H wasn't too helpful either. He had trained them in the "time erases all bad behavior" mode of understanding, and he desperately wanted everything to be all better again. He kept telling me that "they'll change" and "they are young" and "they are learning" ---but I didn't buy his excuses. They had turned into rotten human beings because he had made excuses for them since they were born. Nice job, DAD.
I told H that his adult kids are no longer allowed in my home until they take personal responsibility for their actions toward me and my family. He's given up trying to convince me that they are wonderful, misunderstood, people because they just keep acting like complete turds toward him and everyone else.
sarah we are sisters!!
"In my case, the adult skids refused to apologize or admit that they were out of line, and when they were turned away they countered with "What is YOUR problem?" and "YOU are the one with the PROBLEM!" to shift the blame on me when I held fast to the consequence" that is exactly what FSS did what is the problem?? I didnt do anything wrong...
"He kept telling me that "they'll change" and "they are young" and "they are learning" FH truly believes that his son will see the light and come around, he told me that BS just likes making bad choices cuz it goes against everyone else, I said NO that he makes bad choices cuz he thinks he is right and everyone else is wrong.
I told FH, he is not allowed back until he proves that he can become a decent family member and not treat everyone with loathing and disgust. FH wants to think that FSS will just get it, I doubt it.
thanks for you post Sarah it helped me..
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
must be nice
to put all the blame on someone else, I wish I could put the blame on my FSS oh wait I can..LOL
I wish I could tell my boss Oh itz not my fault that 1.5 million dollars is in the wrong account, itz your fault for having too many accounts!
yeah right.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
It's like our H's took the same non-parentng class
Thanks for the kind words, Sarah. I think we're all here in this forum to help each other.
The general consensus among H and his 5 adult brats is that everything was just great until I came along. And you know, they're right. The brats were routinely indulged, horrendous behavior was acceptable, and not taking responsibility for one's actions was the norm.
So when I came along and held the brats responsible for their own behavior, I was the one with "the problem." Believe it or not, I understand their frustration. They were brought up with no rules or boundaries, and all of a sudden this bitch (me) is holding them accountable? Are you kidding?
Once I put my foot down, things became very Kubler-Ross. What happened first was denial (like your SS showing up like nothing had happened), then anger ("SARAH is the one with the PROBLEM!"), then bargaining ("Dad, I won't talk to you until you get rid of her."). I made it a point to always look them in the eyes and speak the truth in a low-key manner.
Scared the hell out of 'em.
These days, the 20-something stepbrats avoid me as much as possible. In the few occasions when we have to be in each other's company, they won't look me in the eyes, and seem really nervous. They know they will never be welcome in my home until they take responsibility and address me directly. I guess that's too scary for these weakass people.
I blame my H and the bipolar BM for raising a pack of human turds. There is no law that says I have to coddle or accommodate those turds in my home or in my life.
"skids refused to apologize
"skids refused to apologize or admit that they were out of line, and when they were turned away they countered with "What is YOUR problem?" and "YOU are the one with the PROBLEM!" to shift the blame on me when I held fast to the consequence.
My SD does this incessantly. I found an IM where she was complaining to a boy about not being allowed to have a BF. She was all melodramatic with him, almost Romeo and Juliet- ish. "Oh BF of the minute. How I wish I could be with you. But you must be patient and wait YEARS if you can. It's my PARENTS BF of the minute. They are CONTROLLING parents, not like everyone else's..."
He countered with how he could wait til the end of time etc etc etc.
This is the boy who last year started a fake myspace page for SD, calling her a whore, liar, etc. And guess what? He hasn't been her BF this whole school year. I'm not sure she ever talked to him again.
I just found it so irritating that SD will never understand we aren't controlling. Every time we try to give her any freedom, she runs a hundred miles with it, trying to see how much more she can take while she's got the chance. Then we have to instantly reel her back in.
I tried once to talk to her about that, and the friends she chooses, who all have serious issues of drama seeking and sneaking out to do things (sex etc). She sat there for a half hour or more, stroking my ego about how she would never do the things they did, that she understood the way to more privileges and freedom is to show respect for the rules currently, that she also knew I was too smart and would catch anytime she tried to pull something.
That night was the night I stayed up til 2 to catch her sneaking out from 2- 4 am. When caught she was indignant toward us, as if it was our fault for catching her, mad at us for our "controlling" her by stopping her from running around the neighborhood from 2-4am. She still to this day will not tell us where she was, with whom, doing what. Likely because in her mind it's none of our business. I find that unacceptable. And so disheartening to know that she will really never ever get it.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
he is just like the mom
at least that is what my FMIL says.
it is really hard for me to get over the hurt he has caused FH, and until I see some significant changes I will tell him to get the F*** out of my house before he even takes his hand off the door knob.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
Ugh....
My SD became unbearable a few months before turning 13. She is still mostly unbearable, but with bearable moments. Girls especially.
THIRTEEN is HORRIBLE.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Attitude
S - my own BS was like this at 18 through almost 22. You could not say anything to him because it was always someone else's problem, someone else's fault, the things that your FSS has said have come out of the mouth of my own kid. Before the age of 18 he was a model citizen then when he turned 18 he also turned very angry and just nasty to everyone - and he was/is still so damn ungrateful about everything. He has gotten better but it wasn't until I threw his ass out of he house and he had to make it on his own without me paying to put a roof over his head that he got it a bit. I'm tired of all these kids playing victim. I was a single parent but my son never went w/out so he can't say he was deprived of anything. I think sometimes as parents it's just a crap shoot - sometimes we get kids that don't give us any problems then we have the ones that are just awful. Until your FH stops with the guilt and puts his foot down this kid is going to continue with this attitude. Aaagh - doesn't it just piss ya off!