Better go and get your armor. -Jordan Sparks

After some intense emails between Mikayla and I, I told her I would open a dialogue with her mom, my EX. Needless to say, it's been hard for me to concentrate on anything all day.

I was able to get Kayla to talk about our current "family situation." I think the thing she had the hardest time dealing with, even at age 19, was that her mom and I were NOT going to get back together. She describes herself: I'm like a child with divorced parents, even though you guys didn't get married. I love you both very much and I want both my parents to be happy. There was a lot for me to think about as she explained her feelings (and I thanked her for sharing them).

I was also happy to hear that she let her mom know that we were exchanging emails. She's happy that we're talking again. This is a sense of relief for me; if anything it means my EX is validating my paternal role in Kayla's life.

I took some time to read up on divorce, children, and how to "best" help a child cope. (I often feel awkward referring to my 19 y/o as a "child," but I've found a lot of things to be helpful. I especially took note of their list of Child's Wants from helpguide.org:

"Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and I feel guilty."

Put together with another part of her email, a part where she suggests that maybe her mom and I should just try to talk and "see how things go," I think I'm going to send an email to her BM. The BM is already sending small messages via Kayla: Mom says hi and I'm not sure that's beneficial. I'm wondering if there is any dialogue, it should be between my EX and me...not with Kayla as the intermediary.

So for the past day, I've been trying to think of what to say without starting World War 3. A friend told me: "Anything that is rooted in love and faith will bear fruit," so I'm trying to keep Kayla's well-being at the forefront. But there are a lot of underlying feelings and emotions that could come out. Any suggestions would be helpful.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll go through WHY my attempt to make peace with my EX puts me at unease.

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