Any advice for me out there?
My ex-wife consistently twists what my daughter tells her (hears what she wants to hear) about her step-mom. An example is...my ex-wife told me that my wife told my daughter to call her mommy. That was not even close to what was talked about with my daughter whom has a new little brother in her life. This is all put on me to somehow be an intermediary. My wife gets frustrated at me when I do not get this resolved. My daughter is in counseling and her mother coaches her to bring up such topics about her step-mom but it's obvious she has been coached.
Does anyone out there have any suggestions on how to get this resolved or even managed better? Is a face to face confrontation with the 3 parents using a counselor as an intermediary a good option? All this is doing is creating un-needed stress for us (I'm sure that's point). The most important thing should be the child (6 years old) and we want to be the best parents we can.
We went through this for
We went through this for nearly 3years with Wingnut. Creature would say something like "daddy tossed me in the air" (playing with her) and Wingnut would hear "daddy threw me down and hurt my head", which Wingnut would then repeat over and over and over to and in front of Creature until Creature said it the way she "heard" it and then child services is at our house with "alleged abuse charges". We did counseling, psychiatrists, psychologists, co-parenting. All the professionals said the same thing "mom twists things and coaches daughter". All it did was provide a stage for Wingnut to put on her "victim" hat and cry about how horrible dh and I are. And she taught her kid to lie because everytime the kid repeated the lies mommy said, she got a prize. We started punishing for lying. It was the only thing left to do. If we heard her lie to her mother or if it got back to us that she lied to please her mother, she lost privileges. It was the only way to teach her lying had a negative consequence because for years mommy gave her good consequences for lying.
I'd recommend the 3 way conference approach first, but ultimately, if your x wants you to be the bad guy, she'll continue to convince your kid to say you are the bad guy.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
Thanks a bunch! It's good
Thanks a bunch! It's good to know that we are not alone. I hope to hear more comments out there. Thanks again.
I wish I had better advice.
I wish I had better advice. The sad thing is that Wingnut did this in hopes that she would win full custody, which would improve her financial situation. She lost, we got 50/50, but her behavior has permanently ruined my relationship with her daughter because she can't be trusted and I don't really like her very much because her attitude is "I can lie all I want and mommy will get me a treat" and I am not thrilled with that attitude at all. So rather than Wingnut knowing her daughter is loved by another person and getting to do things, etc., Creature now has a sm who pretty much has washed her hands of any responsibility or desire to do nice things for her. It's sad, really, but if your wife backs off and spends less time with your daughter, remember who is to blame for that and respect her decision because she didn't sign on to be made out to be the bad guy everyday.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
BM did this kind of stuff
BM did this kind of stuff for a few years. What we have learned to do it to approach SS when BM and DH are both there. This way he knows that the things he says, he is held accountable for. We never did it in a harsh or accusatory manor, he was so young, AND BM was usally making it up... he didn't know the problems he was causing for his Dad and I when he DID do things like this. Example: BM called once and told DH that SS said "SM said that BM is a bad mean mommy". Which of course I never ever said. So when we went to BM's the following day, with BM standing RIGHT THERE, DH said "SS did you tell your mom that SM said mean things about her?" he looked at us like we were CRAZY, and said "no". Turned out BM was making it all up. She couldn't deny it when SS was standing right there looking all of us in the face saying "I never said that". Bm felt really stupid... and SS learned that DH and BM actually TALK to each other, and what he says gets back to the other parent. For a while he thought that whatever happened at his moms, dad would never know about. So on the rare occassion that he DID do something that BM was not lying about, he got called out... and couldn't lie his way out of it... and was then punished for the wrong doing.
DISbelief~
~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~