I need help asap!

ok so normally I blog about the soon to be ex of my BF, but today I need help with my soon to be ex. I spoke to the people that he lives with today (he lives with his two friends that are married, her mother and grandma, 4 people total who are all related). Anyway, me ex started taking our daughter to his mom's house when she was with him. Right now we have a separation agreement that states we have 50/50 custody, however he only takes her for 5 days max about every 2 weeks. Even thought the separation agreement states 2 weeks on 2 weeks off.

So, when he first moved in with the 4 people from above, he was taking our daughter there to stay with him. So, I was wondering why he started taking her to his moms house. Boy did I get an earful when I talked to the married girl and her mom. They said that my daughter is no longer allowed to come there. Because when he brings her there he drops all the responsibility on these people to raise her,buy food for her, prepare her meals, bathe her, put her to bed...etc. And they do not want the responsibility. They also complained about numerous things such as he does not contribute financially to the household, or help out in any way. Actually they stated that he does more to break things down than to help them do anything. He asked them when he moved there if he could stay for 2 weeks and it has been months. I questioned him numerous times about this arrangement and he said he was paying rent and that all was well. Thing is he has been this way ever since we met and the reason why I left him. So, no surprise to me.

I want to file for custody. How hard is it to get custody? I am not currently working (I am a full time student), my BF works and pays the bills even covers me and my daughter on his insurance. We are planning to get married this year. My ex does not work either, he did not file taxes for 2006 (I did cause I did work full time last year, left my job to finish school) Because he could not hold a job is another reason we split.

So how likely am I to get custody even though I do not work? My parents tell me to leave out BF at all costs (cause we are both technically married)....what kind of mess am I in? I don't want to put my daughter (and BF's 2 kids) in daycare so that I can "trick" the court and get a FT job. Has anyone ever experienced this? Any input at all will be helpful!

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Timeframe?

How long will it take for all of these divorces to become final? Is there any chance of BF's divorce becoming final first? How soon can that happen? Have either of you filed papers with the courts for a legal separation?

I'm asking because it might help if you can prove you are both legally separated from your exes-to-be, but I don't think you are in as bad a position as you think you are in. Ex is unemployed, but you are a student... one point for you. Do either of you pay the other any child support? You definitely get points for carrying the insurance through your BF.

I think what a judge will look at is which one of you can provide a better, more stable home environment. Which one of you is the more responsible parent? He's not working, not going to school to better himself, is crashing with friends and can't provide a steady home for the child... I doubt you'd have a hard time getting primary custody. Who was the primary caregiver during the marriage? Was he a stay-at-home dad while you worked or did you do most of the childcare... fixing meals, doing laundry, taking them to doctor, etc.? Those are the things that a judge will look at. A judge doesn't give a crap who either of you is dating, unless it's a child predator, drug user, convicted felon, etc. Definitely get advice from an atty, but I don't think it's as bad as you think it is.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Hi Anne

Thanks for your response...I am like freaking out about all this! TO answer your questions..

We are both able to file for divorce in the beginning of April. It is possible for BF to file first. We both have all the papers signed by the exs we are just waiting our 365 days to file which is required in our state. We both have our separation agreements filed with the courts.

I do not pay him child support nor does he pay me. I am not going to ask for any either...I just want custody in insure that my daughter is safe and cared for.

I have always worked until recently it was decided by me and BF for me to finish school. And take care of the kids when they are here. He has 2 a 5 year old and a 1 year old. I have always carried the health insurance even when together with my ex cause he refused to get a job. Which is also why he was considered a "stay at home dad" cause he refused and I wasn't going to pay for daycare on top of everything else. I do have tax records going back 6 years with both of our W-2's attached proving that I always took care of the family financially. As far as being there, I was there as much as could be, while my daughter was young, I worked full time, went to school partime. But I spent every weekend with her and I was home every night. All this while he sat around and watched tv or played xbox. I did all this for 6 years. Finally, I said enough and threw him out. Then met my wonderful boyfriend not long after.

My parents are telling me to leave out the fact that I live with my BF and that he pays all the bills. They have instructed me to say if asked how I pay the bills to say that I get help from family. I think this makes me look just as shady as my ex is! But then it does not look good on me to say "yeah I live with my BF and he pays all my bills" when we are still both technically married.

It depends on where you live

It depends on where you live and how hard dad wants to fight you. I have gone through 3 divorces and kept custody of all of my kids. There was only one father who fought me and a law guardian for the children came and investigated both houses. My ex got custody 50/50 with me as the primary residence....meaning no matter legal residence would be with me and I would have to consult him on all major decisions.
Usually they want to keep the child with the parent who has primary residency/custody. It doesn't matter if you are working or not you have a goal in life to support yourself and your family and you are persuing it with your education.
If your income is questioned just simply state that you and B/F share expenses as a household. No one has any right to question B/F's income. Have a back up plan to show law guardian or courts for what you would do if you and your boyfriend split up. This way you can show that you are being sensible and preparing for anything that can happen and how to provide for you and your daughter.
They also look at who spends more time with the child on a regular basis and how stable each parents household is.
The fact that you have a home and a family that you are caring for that appears stable will be a plus in comparison to dad who lives with others as a room mate and doesn't take responsibility when the daughter is there.
Will any of his room mates testify on your behalf if necessary? That could also be very helpful for the courts to know that dad isn't responsible enough to handle the daughter even part time.
One other thing in your favor, and I don't believe it is fair in most instances, is your mom! That's it plain and simple, moms are favored by most courts.
Good Luck
Lisa Dawn

I think I disagree with your parents.

Okay, I'm not an atty, but I was a paralegal for several years. Not that I'm an expert, just that I've been around this kind of thing.

If you both already have legal separations and are just waiting for the divorces to be finalized, then it's clear that the former relationships are already legally over. That legal separation gives you the right to stop living as married people and embark upon new relationships with new people, so you have none of the rights and responsibilities to act as if you are still married to your exes. If you didn't have legal separation status with the courts, then this might look less favorable from a moral standpoint, but that's not the case. You are legally separated and are planning to marry your BF, right? Chances are that you will both be divorced - and possibly even married to each other - before you could even get a court date to decide custody of your child. By the time you do appear before a judge, you will be able to offer her a two-parent family, a home, step-siblings, health insurance... just so much more than her father could offer her. And I disagree with your parents on this one, because a judge would rather see the child within the stability of a two-parent family than with a single mother who is mooching off her family. I mean, that's what your ex is doing.

I think you should reconsider the CS issue, though, and try for sole legal and physical custody with him having visitation rights (if he wants them) and paying you CS. Even if you agree to a ridiculously low amount, like twenty bucks a week, you should keep that door open. If you agree to no CS now, then that could affect your amount to collect later on if he ever gets his act together.

I was abandoned by my ex when I was five months pregnant and he never had anything to do with me or the child. So when our 365 days were up, I filed for sole legal and physical custody with CS. He didn't want to pay the CS, so he started asking for visitation, thinking that he could strongarm me into giving up CS if he gave up visitation. I offered to drop CS if he offered to waive his parental rights. He agreed. I got my son free and clear and he got off the hook as far as paying CS, but this worked for us because my new husband later adopted my son.

I doubt he's going to fight you too hard, because that would require an atty and it doesn't sound like he can afford one. I think as soon as he hears the words "child support," he'll be bending over backwards to give you whatever you want.