I hear a lot of people on here talk about "my money" & "his money"...do most people keep their money separate when they're married? That seems so weird to me? Why isn't it all put in one account, all bills paid out of it & decisions on how to spend extra a joint decision? Is this really how married couples do it these days? How do you decide who pays when you go out to dinner or buy your kids a toy or outfit? So confusing to me...Me and my husband have had our money together from the time we got engaged, and I think its so much easier! But then again, we're both good with money & communicate very well about it. Money is one of the top reason for divorce too. I guess you'll just have to talk to him about how you feel and come to an agreement about how you guys will do things in the future.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

My FH makes a lot more money than I do but he also has a lot more debt then I do before I ever came along - including a lot of CS. So when we started living together a year ago we just decided (which was great because he is not a communicator and I am big time)on what the bills where for the house and all of the utilities for the home and he gives me half of that at the first of every mth. He wanted the digital phone, extra cable, and hi-speed internet so he pays for that seperate. All other bills are our own. We go grocery shopping together and one time I pay and one time he pays. I pay my own cc charges, my own cell, gym membership whatever and he does the same. He has other bills maintaining another home in another state, cs, two cars to keep up, etc. and it would drive me nuts thinking any of my money was used for that but that is just me. It works extremely well for us and we have never once fought about money because this way there is no pointing the finger at one another and no hard feelings but again that is just us.

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

because I have no money of my own, any longer. I had some savings when we got married, but it's been co-mingled (stupid). I quit my job at H's insistance-he said he wanted our marriage to work so bad, and since his winter schedule is 10 days on, 4 off, mine was regular work weeks, weekends off, we'd never see each other.

I bought into it, hook.line.sinker. While I have been madly searching for work for the last few months, there's simply nothing available here. I keep trying. Meantime, I watch him spend like he's wealthy on his kids, and ask him for even the smallest of purchases. It's hard. very very hard. But I don't hold him totally to blame. After all, I'm the one who was foolish enough to listen to his wishes.

You said your H is PO'd-sounds to me more like you should be PO'd at him. Like your situation, there's a big division in how this new "family" lives. H & SD17 get whatever they want, as I watch in amazement. But you bring in the larger salary-how the he11 does he justify what he has been doing?

that will immediately turn me frothing-at-the-mouth insane. I lived on my own at the age of 19, making $5.75/hour. My weekly paycheck was $190, and my half of the rent was $325. There were times I had to decide between gasoline to get to work, and lunches until Friday. I have been 80 cents from bouncing checks. I have had credit card bills sent to collections because my boyfriend borrowed money and didn't pay it back and I couldn't afford to. So yeah, I am very conscious of income and spending.

DH thinks nothing of spending money like water. The only way I can keep from screaming at him is to grit my teeth and remind myself that it is HIS money, and I have no say on how he spends it. It drives me nuts. He makes $6000/month. Taxes come out, CS comes out, retirement savings come out, $1000 goes into our joint account, and the rest is his to spend. He is upside-down on his car loan AGAIN, and is still carrying a CC balance. I don't get it. I make $4000/month ($3300 after taxes) and have paid off 3/4 of my 5-year Jeep loan in 2 years - I'm going to pay the last $5000 off by the end of January if it kills me.

We each have our own accounts, and a single joint account. We each put $1000 into the joint account each month. That pays the mortgage, electric, cable, water, vehicle insurance, groceries, and gasoline. The vehicle loans and phone plans and any clothes or "toys" are on us. I've told DH that while I prefer he stay in the military, he is free to retire in two years, but he had better keep up his share of the bills, or I'm confiscating his pension and giving him an allowance - and he won't like it. He knows that money is the one thing I do NOT kid about and even get irrational about.

Razamond, I think you have the right idea. I'm all for emotional support, encouragement, coaching, and making joint decisions. It doesn't look like your husband wants to let you have a say in how he's spending "his" money, but he's also not contributing to the household, and that's wrong. If I were you, the most generous plan I would offer would be to split the bills in proportion to gross income BEFORE CS was taken out.

~Trish

expenditures (mortgage, water, electricity, etc) & split down the middle. Put that money into a joint account & pay from there.

You pay for your own extras. He for his own. ALWAYS keep your job, ALWAYS save for retirement--------ALWAYS.

Keep separate accounts. ALWAYS.

At first dh couldn't do it----but now he can and DOES.

Get a calculator & notepad & sharpen your pencils and your NAILS. If he gets mad he is being an ass. DON'T BACK DOWN. EVER. He gets mad to control you. Don't let him. GOOD LUCK.

A TIGHT PRE-NUP for second marriages with prior children is an ABSOLUTE MUST.

You shouldn't have to be held financially responsible for any of his childrens needs.

My first marriage we had a joint account that wasn't opened until after seven years of marriage. After that, I felt like I had to ask him for permission if I wanted to buy something for myself.

My current marriage--we each have our own accounts. We have decided between the two of us who was going to pay which bills. We don't have to ask each other for permission to use the money we earn, as long as the bills are paid.

As far as extras--dinner, entertainment, etc., we take turns, so it's not all one person footing the bill.

I would do the same thing that you did...I am a firm believer in seperate bank accounts and it splitting the bills...It's just a very smart thing for women to do these days...And I would tell him that he owes me the money that BM pays for the court things too!!!

In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. disgusted

after DH's CS I bring in twice as much money. That doesn't include extra's like health insurance ect... My marriage isn't the greatest although we are trying to hang in there & work things out. Several times I have threatened to seperate $$ & divide up the bills & my husband gets very upset because he knows he would have nothing left if I did that. But my husband would never do what yours did... and mine is bipolar. My DH never spends $$ other than gas & necessities w/o running it by me.

If I could have a do over there are two things I would do differently. I would have made my DH move into my house 50 minuets away verses my moving to his fixer upper ( think money pit) even though he wuld only get to see the kids weekends & 1 night a week and I would have kept our money seperate. I would have so much less resentment & more financial security.

HE is!

I can't imagine how that feels. My DH is sole breadwinner so of course we have one acct. BUT I don't shop other than groceries and a few extras without him. I would never spend over 200 bucks even including groceries and extras at Walmart, without discussing it with him. Plus because we use our debit card rather than cash, we can each see exactly what the other is spending.

In your situation I would definitely open my own acct. DH and I have even discussed it for us as we have an old checking acct that we keep a small balance in because my CS goes in there and is more than enough to cover my school loan, so it equals out. But we may budget what we can afford on groceries/take out/ stuff for the house etc in that acct, so I can look and say, "EEK- can't buy that extra unnecessary item this week!" And leave the other joint acct for bills, mortgage, etc.

Your DH is spending your money essentially, as his own, and getting a free ride. That's ridiculous. What the heck is he spending it on? Do you know for sure he doesn't use credit cards too? This spending without accounting for it is unacceptable and would concern me as to his trustworthiness.

Not to freak you out, but I had a friend who's dad kept another "wife" with another kid of his. His real wife knew about the original affair which happened when they were married with 2 kids of their own, but not that he was continuing to see her or had actually set up house with her elsewhere. It's a horrible tale. The W (friend's mom) didn't find out something was up until he started getting his retirement pension checks mailed to the house and she saw his pension was more than the supposed amt of his paycheck, a full THIRTY odd years later. He was essentially living two lives. He worked with my father, and when my mom found out about it she asked my dad. He said, "Oh YEAH. He used to alternate which one he brought to the company picnic. He's really strange."

So your H using cash (untraceable) and spending it with no way for you to know what it's being spent on is unacceptable. Don't let him convince you that this is your problem or you are over reacting.

"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra