Good News
For those that know my story....my SO and I thought he had lost his boys (ages 18 and 20)forever, or at least until they get out from under BM. She has used every alienation tactic that exists to get her kids to hate their dad and me.
Last week SO had a business trip up where they live (6 hour drive) and while there, he called and called his boys until they finally communicated and agreed to meet him. The 18 year old who is closest to his mother really went out of his way to meet his dad, and they ended up talking for a couple of hours, with the kid finally breaking down in tears telling his dad how hard it's been and how hard his mother makes it on him. My SO got to meet with his 20 year old the next morning and had another decent conversation.
My SO is now rededicating himself to staying in his kids lives no matter what BM claims or tells him about them. She's already trying to tell him what to do, when to call or not call, but I told my SO...don't bother with her...just do what you think is right. They are your children too...just communicate and love them, and don't let her color your actions toward them.
She has made so many claims about their feelings, and what they will accept and not accept, which turns out are just not true. She is an evil one. She just wants to control her kids and her ex. It's killing her that SO is communicating with his kids again...I think she was happy in her role of always telling him how horrible he is, and how his kids cannot stand him, and want nothing to do with him because of me, and that the only way to them is through her. So NOT true it turns out.
Looking good...and I am SOOOOO relieved.
Of course, I still cannot be in the kids lives in any way, shape or form, but perhaps someday. I'm not the reason the marriage failed...and the ex and boys know this and cannot dispute it, so maybe I have a chance. If not, that's ok. I'm just happy my SO has some semblance of a relationship with them again.
- Rae's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Thank you
for posting that! It gives me *hope* for my DH. He has not had a relationship with his son for 3 years now. Can I ask how long it's been in your SO's case? Or maybe when I have some time I'll just read your blog so I am more familiar with it.
One of the things our counselor told us is that BM in our case tends to one with "conditional" love so the kids always feel that if they choose their dad they will lose their mom. For that reason it is easier for SS to only choose "mom"... I don't know.
At any rate, your blog gives me *hope* again that maybe SOMEDAY DH's son will come around too! We DO need to hear good stories sometimes! *grin*
It is what it is...
Gives me hope, too!
That's just great! I'm so happy for you guys! But it freaks me out, because this woman may be their mother, but they are not children, anymore. They are 18+ and adults, free to associate with whomever they want. I gotta say, if they can't cut the apron strings now, I pity the women they eventually marry! Tell your SO to keep up the good work. Hoping that the skids will grow minds of their own before they reach adulthood is what keeps us going.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
I know Anne. I'm more
I know Anne. I'm more hopeful now than previously though. One thing that helps me understand the BM's control is something my SO's 88 year old mother told me over Christmas...she said BM has always controlled those kids...they were never his. My SO's mom witnessed it first hand as she lived with them for a few years. My SO has a job in an industry that requires lots of travel and lots of time spent away in remote locations, so he was never home with his boys full time. And the BM never included him in anything. It was always what "she" did for the boys. Or what "she" bought for them, even though she didn't work for 18 years. My SO worked his ass off, sent her all the money and never got credit, or any benefit. Neither of his boys work, neither are succeeding in school right now, but BM thinks she's mother of the year! My SO has told both boys that one of these days they are going to have to stand on their own, and let go of the apron strings...we'll see. She has brainwashed those kids so bad.
Back in November when she started all her BS about wanting my SO back, she copied the kids on many of her awful emails to me and SO. She drug out old photos, cards and the marriage vows and had the kids go over them with her. She emailed and phoned SO 5 or more times a day(often copying the boys), begging him and I mean begging, to come back to them, saying they couldn't live without him, that he had to give them another couple of years, that the boys would fail in life if he didn't come back, that he was a horrible person for not "finishing the race." (Of course, she cared nothing about him leaving and getting his own place...for over a year she didn't even ask where he had moved to...she couldn't have cared less as long as he kept giving her the money she wanted...until I came along) And she told the boys that he doesn't love them and never did because since he won't go back it means he loves me more than them. She is absolutely relentless in her pursuit. In fact she is still trying, despite my SO getting absolutely brutal with her. She won't stop. She's truly psychotic. And the kids feel horribly guilty if they have anything to do with their dad, because she makes them believe they are being disloyal to her. It looks like they may be seeing the light though. I just hope it continues.
It took my SO a long time to see this woman for what she is, and he lost his daughter from his first marriage for a long time because of her. The daughter tried calling her dad's cell back a bunch of years ago, and BM answered the phone. She told the daughter, "If you think you can talk to your dad without going through me, you're f*cking with the wrong person!? Nice huh???? What a sweet stepmom she was! Luckily, the daughter is now close to her dad again, and she and her kids love me, so that part of our lives is great. And we now have lots of hope!!
My ex's sons were the same
My ex's sons were the same way. He would see them occasionally, but never with me. He saw the younger two, but not the older ones, who all lived with their BM. One year my ex's mother came to town and he and I and the younger two boys picked her up from the airport and got rooms near where his older kids lived. They had invited the older 3 to the hotel for dinner so she could see them. They came down with their girl friends for dinner. when they were getting ready to go to dinner my mother in law asked why I wasn't going to dinner and my ex explained to her that the boys wouldn't go to dinner if I was going to be there. She blew her top...she told her son that he needed to stand up for himself and tell the older boys that if I wasn't welcome at dinner then he wouldn't go either. And that's what he did. It wasn't too long after that they all came around and started driving the 2 hours to see us and spend weekends with us. Once they got to know me and see I wasn't the monster their mother portrayed me to be they were fine. Even though their dad and I divorced 22 years later, I am still friends with them and now their children. They brought their kids up with me being their grandmother and I still see them all. I don't know how long it would have taken my ex to finally stand up to them if his mother had not insisted. We were not married at the time either, and they were not divorced. They had been separated for many years but she kept dragging on the divorce. Not too long after that the BM finally got the divorce going full throttle too. I now am telling my BF that his 18 year old daughter will eventually come around too. She's pretty much cut off all ties with her dad since he started a year ago with all of us doing things together. On the other hand her BM has lived with her BF for the past 4-5 years, but that's different story, the kids would never object to anything BM does!
So hang in there - they can change. But your SO has to eventually tell the kids that they have to accept you too!