A change for the better in the H. I might even go back to calling him the DH.lol
If anyone has read my previous posts, I had a huge fight with H and left him a few weeks ago because I found bm in my house for the umpteenth time...which we had agreed wasn't to happen, but oh my it did and sure enough I went supersonic on both of them. Long story short, i left him after a scream fest with her and him. But I came back a couple of days later and we've tried to pick up the pieces.
Anyways, I've noticed some changes in H that I didn't think possible. For example, I had a pout last night because the house was freezing cold yet again and he didn't do anything about it. So I went to bed in many layers of clothes and socks and my bathrobe...not just to make a point but because I was literally freezing. So H comes to bed shortly thereafter and tries to talk to me and of course I'm in my snit and tell him off. So instead of pulling away and turning his back to me for the night like he usually does, he held me and tried to warm me and said he was sorry I was cold and that I should have just turned up the head, etc. He never, ever used to be like that. When we fought , he'd fight back just as hard and we'd be angry all night or for a couple of days. He's never said he was wrong or tried to stop a fight, instead he'd add fuel to the fire in me by trying to get in his own points and fight dirty just to win. I, for the most part, always have tried to fight fair and put out the fire when we were fighting. But now H seems to have listened to me and what everyone has said and is taking it to heart. A relationship isn't 50/50 sometimes it's 80/20 or 70/30...one person sometimes has to be the bigger person even if they're right just to diffuse the argument and end the war.(I think that was Dr. Phil)
So this is the first time that H has not let me go to bed mad or made the situation worse. He's actually learning how to have a healthy relationship. I'm so happy! I know it takes two to make it work and I'm going to keep trying so long as he will too.
I'm not sure why H is changing himself like this. Maybe he knows I'm not putting up with his crap anymore and have been dead serious about leaving him for good...and maybe that's been his wakeup call to realize he can't continue to behave with me like he has behaved (with me and the bm)in the past. I think he's actually growing as a person. I'm really surprised and happy.
I think I'm going to be ready soon to start calling him my DH instead of just the H.lol
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You go, girlfriend
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Your H and mine seem to have alot of issues in common-but I can't leave as it is my house. Sounds like it worked so well for you, hope it continues.
Friday I told H I'm going to start therapy. He responded with-he doesn't need any therapy. I said, I'm going anyway. I think the constant tension, the continual smart alec remarks from him are what's causing my insomnia & migranes (some nites I lay in bed till 4:00 am before I can sleep, and I've had more migraines since we've been married-6 months-than I've had in years).
So his next remark was-oh, you're going to spend my hard money on a therapist. I told him-gee, I'm sure I can find a minister from a church who would be willing to do it for free, if I have to.
He was dumbfounded. And, I think, frightened that all the crap he's been pulling on me will come out and someone else will see what he's like. So, he said he'll work on changing. He was good this weekend. Like a normal husband. Even like a normal father to SD13. I'm not betting the race on this, but we'll see what happens over the next few weeks. With Thanksgiving coming, it'll be interesting to see how fairly I and my family get treated.
Sounds like you're married to my H's twin LOL
I completely get what you're saying about how stressful these guys can be. You did right in letting him know that you're going to therapy. I've found better results in airing our business to others too...friends, family...people who can give me their perspective. H hates this. He feels it's unfair that they're only hearing my side. Honestly, I've been more fair about it than I should be because everyone hears the words "found ex in living room" and they all have said "leave him!@!". But I haven't, yet.
And my counselor completely made everything out to be H's fault...everything is all him, he's bad, blah blah blah...I stopped seeing him. I know H isn't perfect and has made mistakes but I have too and I know that...that counselor just made it like I was perfect and H is a complete dirtbag...not the kind of therapy I was looking for so I stopped going. So, even if you talk to friends and stuff it helps give you a better perspective than if you just keep it botted up inside.
I'm curious to see how T'giving turns out for us too. My first big deal with his whole family so we'll see. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you too.
Actually, if you really
Actually, if you really think about it, a relationship has to be 100/100...not 50/50...both partners need to put 100% into making a relationship work long term. And yes, you need to fight fair, not just be concerned about being RIGHT. Being right doesn't mean you win if you're just pushing your partner away, in the grand scheme of things always having to be "right" actually means you LOSE. Nobody wins when couple's don't fight fair. Its a very important part of a relationship & I'm glad your DH (or H...lol) seems to finally be learning that! Good luck, I hope he keeps it up!
Just because you CAN give birth, doesn't mean you SHOULD
I hear what you're saying
I was just trying to say that there are times where one will put more work into the relationship than the other...maybe because of work or family issues...but occasionally one person will have to pick up the slack.
I'm just happy to see that he's willing to pick up the slack when I need the boost.
Good for you
and Dh!
T!!!!
I'm glad to hear that things are looking up for you. That man should be kissing your ass, throwing rose petals at your feet and worshiping the ground that you walk on!!!! I hope he learned his lesson when you left. Take care!
Actually have been keeping my mouth closed
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
And not talking much to friends and not at all to family about the problems with H & SD17. Because, like you, teapot, I didn't want to hear how perfect I am and how awful he is. (At least not from friends & family, who, of course love ME :wink:).
That's probably why I find myself on here several times a day. This has been my only outlet for the disturbing things that have been going on. And, again, like you, I don't want to go to a counselor to hear how great I am. I want a counselor to get thru to H. On several levels. As an indulgent father. As an unfair husband. Someone who can get thru to him just what he is doing to our marriage and where it is headed if something doesn't change. And to help me deal with it all. I know my faults pretty well. I tend to speak my mind, which I have had to stifle alot lately due to my financial dependence on H. I don't forget. I remember everything as clearly as if it were today. And I'm probably too defensive. Life taught me to be that way. I abhor lying and have no tolerence for it, and feel the same way about self-centeredness. Zero tolerance.
I hope things continue to improve for you. You took a brave stand and it has turned out to be the best thing you could do.