I always had the same idea, that parents make mistakes but deep down always really want is best for their kids. Then I listened to BM explain her reasons she doesn't want DH to be primary to SD (3) and am seeing now my idea is not reality. She hasn't even got one reason that has anything to do with SD, it's all about "Me, me, me!"

I'm sorry for you and your SD. I hate that it has to be this way, but it sounds as if your SD and mine are having to learn at a young age that their BMs can be very selfish at times and say ugly things about our husbands and ourselves to make themselves feel better.

Hang in there, your SD sounds like a very smart girl and must trust you and your husband to talk as openly as she did. If you do have to go through court to get shared, she can prob. handle it.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-

Here is the definition and characteristics:

Parental alienation is any behavior by a parent, a child's mother or father, whether conscious or unconscious, that could create alienation in the relationship between a child and the other parent. Parental alienation can be mild and temporary or extreme and ongoing. Most researchers believe that any alienation of a child against (the child's) other parent is harmful to the child and to the target parent. Extreme, obsessive, and ongoing parental alienation can cause terrible psychological damage to children extending well into adulthood. Parental Alienation focuses on the alienating parents behaviour as opposed to the alienated parent's and alienated children's conditions.

This definition is different from Parental Alienation Syndrome as originally coined by Dr. Richard Gardner in 1987: "a disturbance in which children are preoccupied with deprecation and criticism of a parent-denigration that is unjustified and/or exaggerated." Parental Alienation Syndrome symptoms describe the child's behaviours and attitude towards the targeted parent after the child has been effectively programmed and severely alienated from the targeted parent. Parental alienation, on the other hand, describes the alienating parent's or parents' conduct which induces parental alienation syndrome in children.

Parental alienation is a form of relational aggression by one parent against the other parent using their common children. The process can become cyclic with each parent attempting to alienate the children from the other. There is potential for a negative feedback loop and escalation. At other times an affected parent may withdraw leaving the children to the alienating parent. Children so alienated often suffer effects similar to those studied in the psychology of torture. (Sources: External link articles below and late adulthood consciousness of parental alienation)

Alienating parents often use grandparents, aunts/uncles, and elder siblings to alienate their children against the target parent. In some cases, mental health professionals become unwitting allies in these alienation attempts by backing unfounded allegations of neglect, abuse or mental disease. Courts also often side with the alienating parent against the target parent in legal judgements because parental alienation is either difficult to detect or else the time, by mental health professionals, has never been given to the children to detect it.

Forms of parental alienation include:-

brainwashing,
character assassination
the false inducement of fear
incitement of shame,
using children to commit relational aggression against the target parent,
loss of self control,
flareups of anger,
unconscious alliances with the children against the target parent.
delibrate denigration of the children's relationship with the target parent.
Parental alienation can all be mild, moderate, or extreme. Parental alienation often forces children to choose sides and become allies against the other parent. Children caught in the middle of such conflicts suffer severe losses of love, respect and peace during their formative years. They also often lose their alienated parent forever. These consequences and a host of others cause terrible traumas to children.

Parents so alienated often suffer heartbreaking loss of their children through no fault of their own. In addition, they often face false accusations from their alienated children that they cannot counter with the facts. Finally, they often find themselves powerless to show that this little-known form of cruel, covert, and cunning aggression is occurring or has occurred.

Critics of the "Parental Alienation" defence used in custody disputes say such legal arguments are not supported by research[citation needed] or psychological studies[citation needed], and this has resulted in battering parents getting custody of their children, despite a high correlation between battering and child abuse. Parents in custody disputes should know that custody evaluations do not assess for domestic violence, nor does the court seek out information from Therapists of victims. There have been numerous cases where assertions of abuse by the child, mother or father were documented as "parental alientaion" against the other parent. The critics state that the myth of "Parental Alienation" defence thrives on one basic element, which is that narcisstic abusers as opposed to ordinary abusers have an uncanny ability to present extremely well in public, which leads to a situation where all they have to do is say that the allegations are fantasy and because of the manner with which this was presented the judge will buy into it. Critics state that abusers will deny being abusive, in an attempt to cover up their abuse. Critics also state that even though both a parent and the child say "it happened" and "it is true", a judge or custody evaluator can be mislead because the claims of abuse get turned around as 'an attempt to alienate the other parent.' Critics add that in some cases a parent falsely accused of parental alienation can have his or her custody/visitation rights restricted or affected, while the abuser is allowed to continue to the abuse.

That the parents who take part in this abuse do not see how badly they are harming their children. My sd had endured many of the things you spoke of QUINJA.... however take comfort in knowing that although some children can be misguided while they are young... they do grow up and see things for how they really are. Your sd will remember her mom trash talking her dad, and then bm will have some explaining to do. sd may temporarily go along with the things bm is telling her because she feels that she has to... or she just agrees with bm to shut her up...