Every other weekend issue
My partner's eldest child 
said to me tonight, "It's hard mummy and daddy don't live together anymore...I said to Mummy I wish we could come to Daddy's every holiday" (she means weekend) I didn't know what to say to her.
We have his 2 children every other weekend which I think is the 'standard' arrangement. We have an 8.5 month old son together so one weekend my partner has his perfect family weekend and the other I have my perfect little family just us.
His ex often suggests that then not seeing him enough is affecting them in a negative way but in my opinion a steady routine of when they come is more beneficial than keeping moving the goalposts. To say I don't want his children here every week sounds so awful but in a nutshell that is how I feel.
I'm sure I shall get bashed for being honest but, I'm hoping for sending advice and views on this about how I can talk to the 6 year old in a way she will understand.
Come on... Everyone needs to
Come on... Everyone needs to realize that dealing with other people's kids is stressful. This shouldn't be a place where you beat up on someone for wanting downtime to be about things less complicated. Try offer suggestions on how to help meet the other's needs not ridicule someone for venting on a forum for venting!
Perhaps mom has realized that
Perhaps mom has realized that this set up isn't in the child's best interest. If that is the case, Kudos to her for put the child's needs first.
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The OP posted a vent and
The OP posted a vent and posters responded with a vent if their own. Just because you don't like the responses, doesn't mean they are outnof line.
This 6 year old is saying that seeing her dad just 4 days a month isn't enough. Dad needs to do everything in his power to increase the amount of time he has his daughter.
I don't think it's
I don't think it's necessarily awful. I wouldn't want skids every weekend, either...just because I feel like I deserve a break, too. Having skids every weekend would feel like I never got to enjoy my days off, which I'm sure is how you're feeling about the issue. I mean...how nice for BM to have EVERY weekend kid-free, right?
However, DH sees them much more than the CO states, and we get three long (8-10 day) weeks a year. I encourage him to go out with his kids between official visits as often as he wants and can afford.
I'm not sure what the logistics are for you, but maybe you could encourage a mid-week dinner visit (when skids were still younger we had EOWE plus a dinner on Thursdays of the off week). Could you offer something like this? I'm sure if you explain to DH that every weekend gives you zero days off he'll understand. How much work do you do for this 6-year-old when she's over? If you're feeling burnt out, cut back and make DH do more. Encourage him to take his kid out to the park or on a picnic between visits, if that's feasible for you. He can take the baby, too, so siblings have bonding time and you get a break.
Your baby is under a year. I am sure you are tired, still recuperating from the birth...not getting enough sleep. Working outside of the home? The last thing you need is someone else's 6-year-old in your home every weekend.
**edited to add: *YOU* should not be discussing this or explaining it to the 6-year-old at all. Not your place or your responsibility. The fact that you think it is tells me that you are carrying more than your fair share of the work and the emotional burden when his kids are there...so of course you don't want them there every weekend. Talk to your DH. You can explain how you feel without saying "I don't want your kids here!" Just tell him you need some weekends where you're not catering to two children who aren't yours...and then encourage a mid-week dinner or for him to set up a special time where he takes his two out on the off weeks. I do agree that a full 12-13 days between visits is a long time, especially for young kids. He can break that up without resorting to every weekend at your house, which is too much for you.
I agree that a mid-week visit
I agree that a mid-week visit would be a good thing. Also think the DH should go to school events as much as possible...and make time in his life for his kids in other ways. I also think OP should encourage her husband to do these things. Ultimately, it's good for her, her marriage, and her child(ren) if DH has a good relationship with his other kids...and those kids grow into mature, responsible adults who launch. I have always encouraged my DH to do for his children...and spend time with them.
However, I don't think that it's OP's job to make sure that this happens or to give up every weekend of her life to facilitate it. She should encourage him to step up, and make him feel like she supports his relationship with his children...but that doesn't mean she has to be a total martyr about it. I would NEVER agree to lose every single weekend of my life for the next 12+ years. Nope.
It's also not OPs fault that DH and his ex divorced or that DH naturally sees their child more, since they live together full-time. It does suck...but there's really nothing she can do about it.
"If both parents (including
"If both parents (including the mom) were so worried about dad getting less time with the COD then they should have worked harder to stay together"
Using that logic, women who can't deal with their SKs spending as much time as possible with dad, should not marry men who have children.
Expecting a parents and child to be content with 4 days a months is sick. Perhaps dad and wom would agree on 50/50 or an extra night or two during thenweek. If the little girl is lucky, they will agree to longer, uninterrupted visits during the summer as well.
That child is crying out for her dad. A smart man would hear those cries and figure out a way to make this work.
Yea we would! I've got skid
Yea we would! I've got skid fill time! 4 days a month would have been a dream.
Well...because she asked in
Well...because she asked in her post: "How do I explain this to the 6-year-old?"
My answer has always been...you don't. You encourage your DH to be more involved without giving up every single weekend, which I think is a recipe for resentment and disaster. There are compromises that keeps everyone's needs in perspective and CAN result in healthy relationships.
Hey having skids isn't easy
Hey having skids isn't easy on anyone. Being a skid isn't easy either. I would offer some extra time on holidays and maybe a mid week visit on off weeks.n with technology some FaceTime or Skype would help. Try this for the kids to have daddy time without having every weekend dedicated for all in the family! Schedule a mommy and me classes during the mid-week time or something so you can have a break too.
In the earlier years, bm did
In the earlier years, bm did not give any extra time to dh for fear he'd want to change pp and she'd get less child support.
A decade later she threw in the towel and pays nothing.
Go figure.
"The choice is before you.
"The choice is before you. You can choose to make the best of the decision you made, that's kinda when people marry it's for better for worse because you can't always know everything in advance."
This is very good advice. I, too, hated facing all of the realizations that came with the "man of my dreams" having started a life with someone else that included having 2 boys with her and a huge chunk of his money going to her every month to the point we struggled while we saw BM living large. All along, I told myself I'd much rather have my DH under these circumstances than never have him at all, and that carried me through.
I will tell you those SKs do grow up. My & DH's 2 DSs are 15 and 9. SSs are 23 and 21 and have their own lives two hours away from us, so 99.9% of our life IS just DH, our 2 DSs and I. ALL of our money, except what we choose to give SSs out of the goodness of our heart, goes to OUR family--oh happy day when we sent that last CS check!! (Still, we are very generous with SSs, since even spending and gifting several thousand dollars a year on SSs is a drop in the bucket to what DH paid BM every MONTH like clockwork for over a decade.) It was a very long road, but now that we are where we are, I can't say I have any real regrets, and I most definitely would choose to do it all over again even knowing what I know now, because now, more than ever, I'd rather have had the life with my DH than never had him at all.
I agree with all of this, of
I agree with all of this, of course. I'm just saying that the compromise SHOULD go both directions when you're in a blended family...but too often divorced Disney Dads pull out the "I've got kids" trump card to get their way. That's not reasonable...nor is it something many women would put up with if it were any other relationship. I get that kids are different...but that doesn't mean you have to ALWAYS be the one sacrificing. That's not healthy.
For me, I wouldn't give up every weekend. I work really, really hard during the week...and I need some downtime where it's just me and DH in our house that I help pay for and maintain. If he had, for some reason, wanted or insisted on having kids every weekend, I would have moved out.
There are plenty of other ways to encourage your DH to have quality time with his kids, who DO need that time, as I've already mentioned. We had a fairly low-conflict, accommodating BM who wanted my DH to have time with his kids...so, when I taught and the kids were younger, I often surprised DH by picking his kids up on school holidays so they could have some spontaneous fun with us. I also always encouraged one-on-one time for the skids...like: "Hey, DH. I've got a lot of work tonight and the new X-men movie is out. Why don't you text SS and see if he wants to go with you?" Or, "Hey. I feel like cooking a big dinner tonight. Think we could get a kid or two over to help us eat it all?"
OP - I think there are ways that you can keep your free weekends intact while also showing your DH that you understand the importance of his role in his kids' lives. I think you'd be wise to be proactive here...NOT by talking to the skids...but by talking to your DH and finding ways to include them in his life more regularly. If you talk to the skids, they'll feel like they have to go through you to get access to their dad, which will make them dislike you and potentially act out. I think one of the reasons my skids warmed to me so quickly and have been so good for me (except for OSD...and even she eventually came around) is because I made their relationship with their dad a priority...and I also encouraged that one-on-one time. To me, that's a win-win because the kids get some much needed alone time with their dad...and I didn't have to deal with them
I don't know if your DH is like this, but mine really likes hanging out with me and always invited me along to everything...even to take kids back to their mom's. Sometimes I'd go...but other times I begged out because I thought...it's a simple thing but even that 15 minute drive can be good quality bonding time where they don't have to have SM tagging along.
Hopefully you can support your DH in his role with his kids while also getting the downtime that YOU need. Having a baby is no joke...and having a 4 and a 6-year-old every weekend in addition to the new baby is too much, in my opinion. Get your DH to step up and do more with/for his kids and everyone will benefit in the long run.
If you and BM live close
If you and BM live close enough to do EOWE you live close enough to do EOW. That may be a good balance for your DH, BM, and for you. That gives DH his complete family half the time and you your smaller family the other half of the time.
With BM's recent comments about the kids needing more time with their dad it may be a topic that she will consider.
All that would do, however,
All that would do, however, Rags, is leave even more time with SM, not with Dad.
Dad leaves for work early morning and per OP gets home usually after the baby is in bed. Dad also has a habit of himself being 'busy' part of the EOWE he now has his older two children. The eldest is just six per OP. I'm guessing the second oldest is perhaps not kindergarten age. OP is doing maternity leave to spend baby time with her first born.
The real problem here may actually be Dad keeps breeding but doesn't really have the down time to spend with and see ANY of his children much. He has a wife and baby and he has two more small children ...if it wasn't for BM having the oldest so often and the OP having her baby herself so often, none of these children would barely have a parent around.
I see both ways. Your SO
I see both ways. Your SO should try to see his kid more often than every other weekend especially at such a young age. The older they get, the less time they have to spend with their parents because of extra curriculars, school, friends, etc. While I think he should spend any extra time he can get with his kid, I also understand your hesitation to it. I suggest you bite the bullet and let it happen; tell your DH to ask his ex if he can start picking her up from school midweek for ice cream or dinner. You need to remember and should have realized before getting involved with a man with a kid that custody can go anywhere for none to all any day for any reason or none at all. You don't have to be okay with that fact but you do have to be realistic of the possibilities of change and disruption as a natural way of second family life.
I did not read all the
I did not read all the comments.... my 2 cents...
simply tell SD, Hon mum and Dad divorced and this is what happens when grown ups divorce, they both love you very much, thus you have to visit Daddy... there's children who never sees their Daddy, you see yours EOWE.. be happy about that
Don't feel bad about it, do not change it. CO stipulates it's this way... keep it that way. Simply tell DH, this is what happens when you divorce you do not get to see your children everyday, do not fall for the manipulation games from BM... SD misses you she wants to be with you shit... BM is trying to control, stick to the CO at all times, will make life easier in 10 years time...
You can tell DH, on a visit week-end... why don't you and SD go to the park alone...and play tennis, catch or what ever, go on bicycle rides, sit and build a puzzel together while you keep your kid away and entertain him, this way SD knows you and her half sib is there but Daddy is giving her full attention for an hour...
DO not feel bad cause you have your child with you everyday.... you are married and not divorced and this can change very quickly as well....
she said eldest, child so
she said eldest, child so there more than one and we don't know the other ages but ? Dad should try to do something by himself with the children during the week,as go out to diner with them Mickey D. Chuckey cheese. He could go to the playground, park. You can take them during weeks or part of week, they are off from school. On three day weekend he can do something with them or whole family as zoo, little day trips
There are lots of thing you can do that does not cost a ton of money, you just have to put the time and effort into looking
That will still give you every other weekend to be alone. But it is much easier to do nothing !!!