Seeking advice for a STB new SM, entering the vortex of hell.

I am planning on putting together some advice for my soon-to-be SIL. She needs to be armed and ready for the battles ahead. Any and all advice on navigating the stormy waters of stephell and PAS welcome. Come to think of it, I'll take any advice I can pass along to my bumbling bro as well, so that his new marriage doesn't go the way of so, so many second marriages.

I feel for the woman. She is marrying into a shitstorm, and she just happens to be one of the nicest, sweetest people I have ever met.

My niece and nephew are acting like little assholes towards her. Seriously, I love them very much, but I want to strangle them.

Here's a little background for you:

My brother left his 1st wife after years of emotional abuse, and two children. The whole family wondered why it took so long because she did not keep her abuse behind closed doors. She verbally abused, demeaned and belittled him every chance she got, while he worked his ass off at a very dangerous job (NYC cop in an anti-gun unit) to support her. Oh, and then he got to come home after long shifts to do the laundry, cook dinner for the kids, and give them their baths, etc. She never worked while they were married, in the home or out.

Well, being the unstable wench she is, my exSIL LOST. HER. MIND. when he left. She couldn't accept that he didn't want to be with her, and set upon her campaign to make his life miserable.

He filed for divorce, and she did everything in her power to drag the process out. He continued to pay all of the household bills during the process of the divorce, while he slept on the couch in my mom's house because he was broke.

This went on for years. YEARS. Their divorce took 5 years to be finalized, because you can do that in NYS.

Well, before the divorce was finalized, my bro started dating his now-fiancee. And she is wonderful. But my exSIL got wind of this, and told the kids that dad was cheating on her because they were still married. Technically true, I suppose, but to me it's semantics at that point. He had been gone for 3.5 years, divorce in the works, but in her mind, still cheating.

The kids want NOTHING to do with his fiancee. They will not visit the beautiful home she and my bro purchased because she "makes them uncomfortable." exSIL has shown up at my family's events and caused scenes complete with screaming and crying because she won't "allow her children to be around that bitch."

The PAS never ends with her, and of course my brother, like so many men, is afraid to draw a line in the sand with his kids because he doesn't want to lose the shaky relationship he has with them.

I could go on and on, but if you've read to this point, you probably get the picture. My heart goes out to her. And him. And the kids.

This girl needs some armor, y'all.

queenofthedamned's blog
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I have sat both my brother

I have sat both my brother and his fiancee down, and let them know that right now, they are letting the kids rule the roost and things will NEVER work if he doesn't put his foot down. Although they aren't disrespectful to her face, their refusal to spend time with their dad because of her mere presence IS disrespectful. She is a part of dad's life, and will be, so they need to deal with it. He CANNOT ditch her to attend, say, a family graduation party because her presence offends the children. She will get eaten alive by resentment. And truthfully, she is not the type to try to jump into a motherly role with them - she backs off and has been letting the relationship proceed on their terms. Which, frankly, suck.

I've also talked with both my niece and nephew and told them that unfortunately, they are now COD. As crappy as it is for them, it is their new(ish) reality and they just need to accept it. They are 13 and 15, not babies by any means (though perhaps it would be easier if they were).

I don't see them very often, as I live in the midwest, but have a visit planned for this summer and will have "the talk" again.

poopsenders - LOL!

I'd advise telling the

I'd advise telling the stbSkids that just because their mom doesn't like their dad's fiance doesn't mean that they can't form their own opinion. It is not disloyal to their mother to have a relationship with her. Also, all they are doing is hurting their own relationship with their father because of their mother's feelings.