We wouldn't be human if horrible stuff people said about us hurt us not at all. With BMs, however, you have to remember that they have a very specific agenda - you "stole" their former DH/BF and they are NOT happy about that - even if they previously chucked him out.

I realised very quickly, when NPD BM started saying vile stuff about me BEFORE she'd even met me - that it was not personal - she didn't know me - had no idea what I was like - and that has helped me not to take it so hard - she would say this stuff about ANY woman who was with DH.

Basically - she is nothing to me, and I don't give her too much head room - it gets easier over the years - I don't know how long you have been with your FDH but it does get less painful as you realise she is just a sad, psycho cow with a personality disorder.

One word she's jealous. She will do anything and everything to get under your skin if you allow her to. You will find if you ignore her it is way more rewarding.

There are 2 ways I deal with this.

1. It bothers her MORE when her remarks DON'T GET TO ME. If I let her get to me, she wins. If it rolls off my back and I take the "you silly girl" approach, it drives her NUTS.

2. DH likes to call her out on that crap. BM used to pull the "you guys are just playing HOUSE with my SON" line. DH would say "ummm, this is how grown ups live, it's not playing house, it's life, you should try it". Or when she would say something about being a "MY LAST NAME", DH says "you got that name on a techincality, you never earned it, BS has spent the last 8 years LIVING UP TO MY NAME, SHE earned it!". They were only married for 6 months. She hates it when he says that. lol I love my man.

BM is angry because DH has moved on with you and his children. She is looking from the outside in and see's a family she no longer has with DH. She is jealous of you and what you have. BM's self esteem is low and when people don't have a high self esteem they degrade someone else to make themselves feel better, and you are her target.

Focus on yourself, your marriage, family and home. The very things that piss her off. The best thing is that if you focus on those things, your relationship with DH and family will become stronger. Don't change who you are because that is what DH fell in love with and it's apparently something BM isn't.

Vent on STalk, journal, exercise to get out your frustration...but take care of yourself, you are what is most important!

Hang in there!

time to play my game....

SD: "mommy didnt make us eat this"
Ommy's mind: "that is why mommy is 300lbs"

SD: "mommy loves sponge bob"
Ommy's mind: "that is because mommy has the iq of a 4 year old"

BM: "Well they dont have problems paying attention with me"
Ommy's mind: "that is because you have to pay attention to them to notice"

BM: "I miss your dad so much how is he? remember when we all ___"
Ommy's mind: "oh FDH's dad is great just the other night we were laughing together because he said you had the biggest muffin top he has ever seen"

Ommy's mind is a dark and extremely sarcastic mean place in regards to BM...sometimes I let out a few laughs because it amuses me, then I look like a crazy person laughing to myself...oh well it is fun.

HelpMeeeee... great comment. The real moms don't need to say they are the real moms. I hear that out of BM's mouth ALL THE TIME. I AM HIS MOTHER! Really? Because your actions indicate otherwise.

It's easy for me...I normally don't put any weight on what high school dropouts, that were and are known as the town hooker could say about me...

First off I'd have no contact with this woman. I stopped having any sort of contact with bm about 5 or 6 years ago. Had dh tell her that in no way was she to contact my cell phone, leave messages for me on our home answering machine, in fact wasnt to call the home phone-but to call his cell phone first. It was funny, because she tried to completely ignore it at first. I think she tried to call me the very next visiation time. She left messages on the machine, one after another, about some sort of ignorant stuff. I ignored and deleted every one of them.

Dh and bm ended up going to court not long after-to establish child support (from her to dh) and to firm up visitation. I just went with him to go-didnt go in the courtroom or anything, but did wait with him out in the hallway until his case was called. She approached me and started "quoting" or state guidelines and then basically paraphrased them and said that she is to be able to contact ME anytime she likes and I HAVE to answer the phone. You silly bitch. No I dont have to talk you ever. I chose when I answer my phone, not you, and not this judge who has no jurisdiction over me. I told her the only thing the guidelines stated is that the child was to be available for phone contact at reasonable times. I told her I had never denied her phone contact with her child-she just never wanted it-she only wanted to speak to me!!

She tried a few more times to cross boundaries and I just never budged. Started making dh do all the transportation. if she did approach me somewhere in public at one of ss's events-I'd just say, "You'll have to talk to dh about that" and walk away.

This was a huge weight off my shoulders. I am sure she has said stuff about me over the years, but I never hear. My dh would never listen to her say stuff about me-he rarely talks to her himself. And if she says stuff to ss-for once in his life the kid is smart enough not to repeat it (although I am sure it is to "protect" her)

I hear you loud and clear. I too struggle with the awful things BM says about me to DH. She refers to me as a "3rd party" who should have NO SAY in financial decisions regarding HER kids. Never mind that my DH pays this POS almost 10k a year in CS and she STILL manages to NEVER have a penny to spend on her daughter. I think what is MOST hurtful to me is that my in laws feel the exact same way she does. They feel I am no one and that my DH has somehow wronged BM by marrying me, buying a house with me and actually having the NERVE of BEING HAPPY with me. It is way easier said than done to not care. I do feel hurt that they feel that way about me especially because I am a really good person, good wife, great stepmom to my skids. However, I will have to learn to get them out of my head, because it is way too time consuming and they don't deserve a second thought.

How do you not let BM comments get to you?
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I laugh at her with dh.

Now you try.

Don't talk to her. Tell DH that unless their conversation impacts you (scheduling, etc) that you don't want to hear about it. Make sure it's clear to him that he is NOT to provide any information about you or your relationship to her.

Cut her out. Ignore her. Let him deal with her.