I hate to say it but .... do you consider the mileage your ss is getting out of all of this? And maybe it is time for his father to remind him you are all trying your best.

I see this happening. SS gets angry/sad. Do you know why? Not until after the fact because he refuses to communicate with you both. So he can yell/cry/wallow in his grief and anger and blame you two for the sun rising every morning. He screams at you two, goes to his room and cries himself to sleep, comes out, eats enough to stop his hunger and refuses to speak to anyone. Blames you two for the school enacting the consequences for the other sutdents breaking rules. And again, your fault. You are doing exactly what he accuses you of. Keeping him at home and away from others.

I would be sending him to school tomorrow. Even if it is only for 1/2 a day. He gets to keep going to school. Online school only llows him to hide out at home and blame you even more. What about an alternative school?

I would suggest DH admit that he is human and if he could go back and make it go away he would. That to see a loved one hurting and being helpless leaves you both andgry as well.

That as a young boy it was not HIS fault. And as a NCP it is not his either. Dh had no idea, if he did he would have stopped it. And he isn't going to send him to a school that abuses him too. He will find a way to protect him.

My prayers are with you daily, I think the hope I have for you is strength to help SS work through this.

I hope his counselor is good. And I hope prison life for both people are horrible.

I've been thinking about you. Thanks for the update. Sorry to hear it was another bad turn.

I was wondering if there is anyone who has gone through this type of hell that would be willing to mentor him.

Maybe he feels alone or like a freak. Maybe he'd be willing to trust someone who's experienced even a little bit of what he has.

My prayers are often with you.

i know you guys go to counseling, but what about support groups also? People who are recovering addicts go to support groups ALL day long. Well, a few times a day. the point being they go ALOT.
Yes i know ss is not a addict, but think of the reason these people go to support groups very very often. They are dealing with the complex feelings of recovering, of COPING, etc... they go constantly seeking support, advice, shared experiences, just knowing they are not ALONE.
Maybe ss and YOU (and dh) can find support groups suited for abused people. Just like drugs, abuse effects EVERYBODY in the family. and it seems that the therapy is just not enough.
i think everyone is feeling very lost, confused, alone, scared, angry, guilty, sad, betrayed, etc... and could benefit from others who can relate feeling the same.

Praying:

For months I have read your blogs and my mind and heart do shudder in horror at what your step son has gone through. Please believe that. That being said: the young man needs to become a young man and not a manipulating victim who himself is turning into an abuser.

I do not say this to anger you, nor to drive you away from these boards, please do not think I am indifferent to the situation the young man went through. Please just hear me out. Please also understand I am not saying you are wrong/not doing enough/not trying. I am not placing blame. I am offering an outsiders view of what I have gathered from your blogs.

No matter what you or your husband do: it is wrong.
No matter what you say, how you attempt to help, what burdens you attempt to lift from his shoulders: it is not enough.
This Praying: is emotional manipulation and abuse.

You attempt to communicate, to be blatantly ignored/yelled at/cursed at.
This Praying is verbal abuse.

You are made to sit in on therapy sessions: your SS intentionally goes for the jugular telling you things that make you heart sick, physically ill and mentally conflicted/ tortured.
This Praying is psychological abuse.

Your SS has been caught with alcohol, refuses to do school work/homework/participate in his education which is his future.
This Praying is delinquency.

Your SS is violent, having been in at least one school fight that should have led to expulsion from school, (but Daddy came to the rescue and it turned into a suspension).
This Praying is aggression/violence/abusive behavior.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Your SS has turned himself into a professional victim. He turns on the waterworks and no matter what he has done it is forgotten. If waterworks don't work, he clams up. Refuses to talk. And then Dad and SM both bend over backwards, jump through flaming hoops, put up with his abuse, manipulations and psychological torture because "He was abused."

Yes, he was. Horribly.

Now he is abusing his entire family: in a different way: but just as horribly.

Your younger children are watching all of this, absorbing it like sponges (as all kids are) and soon, if they have not already, will begin emulating the same behaviors: because they have seen them work.

Lets move forward 10 years.

Your SS's boss will not care if he cries, was abused, had to go to a special school etc: if he can't get the job done, or is verbally aggressive with other employees, he will be fired.

The law will not care if he was abused as a child: if he becomes physically aggressive with others he will be arrested, placed in jail, and likely face a repeat of what happened in his youth.

It is my opinion (and my opinion only) that your SS needs some tough love, not coddling.

Your SS, through the actions of another, has been taught how to abuse and get away with it. He is using the tools that were shown to him, to abuse you, your husband and the rest of your family. All while using his golden 'victim' card to get away with it.

He needs to be taught, whether he likes the lessons or not, how to be a man. It is time for him to pull up his big boy panties, tie a knot in the waistband and learn to live in the real world.

Stop allowing the antisocial behaviors. He will participate in family functions/ outings. He will participate in social settings (school), he will participate in therapy to assist him into becoming a responsible, functioning, participating member of society, not a drain upon it. His victim card is to be revoked. He has had ample opportunity to choose to rise above, now it is time for him to be made to.

My fear is 20 years from now, this young man will still be living with you and your DH, and will be abusing (emotionally, mentally and physically) both of you.

He has already started grooming you and your husband to accept the abuse he heaps on you. And it is working. Go back and read your posts: One or two that are introspective, sad and depressed over your SS and what he had to deal with. Filled with yours and your DH's efforts to help, help that is rebuffed time and time again.

The next posting will be you angry. SS has done something that has made you angry (alcohol, cursing, fighting) and you are ready to absolutely kick his ass (metaphorically) then Wham! someone has picked on SS and another catastrophe has happened that has you and your DH running to protect him and make him feel better, only no matter what you do, it is never enough to help/compensate. But his transgression is forgotten/lost in the moment of the new problem that has arisen. He is once again the victim that everyone preys upon.

I will be one of the first to admit that human beings, especially children (x10 for teenagers) can be assholes. Rarely are they assholes for no reason. Yes, sometimes kids are just mean and some kids seem to have a target tattoo'd on their backs. The meeting of the two does cause for angst and tension, verbal altercations, bullying and on occasion a physical altercation. Reality is this: your SS has to learn how to deal with assholes. No one, aside from you and his father is going to coddle him and allow him that gold plated victims card to get a free pass at life.

Your DH did say something right: Your SS abuse is not yours nor your DH's fault. Your SS refusing to utilize all the tools you and your DH are handing him on a silver platter (therapy, expensive schooling, pets, karate etc) is not your fault.

You and your DH did NOT abuse this child: stop atoning for a sin you did not commit.

And please: stop accepting the abuse that he is dishing out to you. You have a heart of gold, your posts have made that obvious, this child, if allowed to continue playing the victim, will crush your heart, destroy your family and destroy himself.

There is a military term that has long been used, your SS needs to learn it and live it.

"Suck it up and drive on."

Civilian definition:
If it did not kill you, suck up the experience, learn from it and move ahead in life mindful of the lessons it has taught you.

Again Praying: the purpose of this post was not to upset you, anger you or place blame/point fingers. others on this board may agree with me or vehemently disagree with me. I am simply offering an outsiders view of what I have gathered from your postings, and in truth, I fear for you, your DH and your children if your SS is not snapped back under control and held accountable.

If I have upset you, angered you or insulted you, I do apologize as that was not the intent of this post.

I would suggest, if you can, send him back to school, but see if you can make friends with a parent whose child will be in the same class, and who has a strong sense of moral responsibility. Same gender please.

My parents used to 'loan' me out (no money, just as favors) to other parents who had kids my grade or younger, and I was responsible for watching over them and making sure they had someone to talk to in school about any issues that may arise. I did end up confronting several bullies over my junior high and high school years for this very reason.

Talk to the counselor and see if you have Arista (or any other sort of leadership honor society) in the school he'd attend. Talk to the administrator about it and see if a couple of students who they think are exemplary in human character can take him under their wing. However, make sure SS knows boundaries, and know he cannot be around or contact them 24/7, as those kids need a break as well. It can help make him feel a part of a group, once it gets going. I often helped them make friends and then slowly backed out when I thought they were ready.

Of course, my altercations with the 'bullies' never got physical, but having someone who wasn't afraid of them and would get in their face right back helped the kids of my parents friends. I will admit I have made some of the girls who were picking on this one child (very overweight, thyroid problems which lead to lack of sexual development) cry. I didn't like it but it did stop them from at least getting in her face and their teasing became quiet and only amongst themselves. I was in a higher grade than them so that helped.