The therapeutic school as a bad idea
Ss has been in the school nearly 3 weeks. But we are bringing him back Sunday. It just did not work out. It was one problem after another. The biggest issue was the washrooms, like we expected. But we thought he would adjust. He never did. He was staying up till 3 am to use the washroom. And this was after he wet himself constantly and gave himself constipation.
He now HATES us. He has made it very clear in the emails he sent us that he will never let this go. He told us we were going to burn in hell. He refuses to talk to us. I am terrified of how he will act when he gets home. I think the sending him to the school made it many times worse.
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I'm so sorry this did not
I'm so sorry this did not work out for you.
I am not in your situation and I don't know what may or may not work, but I have a suggestion.
In horse training, there is a principal where you have to make the horse WANT to come to you and be with you. These are large animals and we can't MAKE them do anything. We can't dominate them by force, we have to work on their mentality as pack animals that want to be with another creature.
It sounds like your SS is actively resisting all of your efforts to help him. So what if you stop? Explain to him that you are there for him and WANT to help him if he wants the help. Then let him come to you.
It's kind of this game of advance and retreat. It works when trying to catch a reluctant horse. You approach them JUST to the point where they start to turn away from you. Then you retreat. They have a natural instinct to want to be with you, so you play on that. Advancing and retreating brings them closer, until eventually they are there on their own.
It's hard to explain. But you approach him, offer your help, and the second he starts resisting you back off and go about your business. I would make it so that every time I back away from him, I start doing something fun that he enjoys. So he will be drawn to join you. If he does eventually join you, just let him be there without any pushing. Eventually, maybe, he will become more open to you and that's when you can actually start addressing his issues.
Don't know if it will help and don't know if I did a very good job explaining.
Thanks for the great advice
Thanks for the great advice Elizabeth. What makes us feel crummy is that we sent him away even though he was agreeing to all the help we were offering him. He went to every therapist we suggested and he really tried.We sent him to the school based on what my son said and it turned out to be a lie. We made Ss who was willing to get the help and made him stop trusting us. That is going to be the biggest thing to overcome.
I'm sorry this experience
I'm sorry this experience didn't work out for you. I know how badly you wanted to help SS.
IMO, I don't think he had enough time to adjust. Of course he's pissed - no one wants to be separated from their family like this. My SS didn't want it either. But he learned to adjust over time. It took him almost 2 months to really feel comfortable there and make any friends. And SS is now on speaking terms with both DH and BM so he definitely got over it.
Your SS will get over it too. Don't let him control you and make you/DH feel guilty for sending him there. You both know that he needs help and you are doing everything in your power to get him that help. If he refuses to see that now, he will come to terms with it sooner or later.
I wish you lots of luck when SS returns home.
I know we shouldn't let Ss
I know we shouldn't let Ss control us. But my Dh has been having major guilt issues over this. So have I. How can I not? The emails hew rote were so angry and full of hurt. Both my Dh and I cried reading them. Thanks for the luck, we need it.
I agree with JustanotherSM,
I agree with JustanotherSM, I'm not sure 3 weeks is long enought to make an adjustment like his, I'm not even sure 3 months is. I can easily see it taking 3 years or the rest of his life to turn his self hatred around enought to be open to changing it.
I wish I had suggestions for you. Your situation seems so hopeless.
I have to be honest....I don't think you and your DH are equiped to deal with his issues. It sounds very risky for everyone in your home to have him there. Maybe that school wasn't the answer, maybe there is another that would be? what is the staff there saying?
I wish you the best. Please find support for yourself so you don't have to deal with this alone.
It turns out my son lied
It turns out my son lied about Ss watching him undress. I was broken hearted. I couldn't believe I let myself think that of Ss. The staff are doing their best and they are wonderful. But they can't force him to use the washrooms. And Ss has suffered from serious hemmorhoids before. The constipation will make it worse. Because of that the school is saying maybe he should come home. It is a health issue now.
Sorry for the delay in
Sorry for the delay in replying. I know what you guys mean by giving him more time to adjust. But even the school agreed maybe it isn't for him. And he has been giving himself very bad constipation because he refuses to use the washrooms there. He takes laxatives on the weekends we take him to a hotel. It is just not healthy. And we found out some kids were making fun of some issues with Ss's body. We just couldn't deal with it anymore. There is only so much we can bear to see him go through
I'm so sorry this didn't work
I'm so sorry this didn't work out for you. DH and I had been looking into therapeutic boarding schools for SD15 and my DH just couldn't commit to doing it because he was afraid his daughter was going to react badly and hate him forever.
I do agree that you should give it more time and see if it does work. Things aren't working at home and I completely understand feeling like you aren't equipped to handle a child with these types of problems. They deserve to be treated by professionals who know how to deal with these types of kids.
The school that we were going to send SD to had a policy of not allowing kids to even talk or email their parents for the first 8 weeks and no visiting until the child has completed the first level of their program (usually 3 months). Perhaps a stricter program that wouldn't allow your SS to guilt your DH into letting him come home might work better?