I say good luck. I had one SD that respond to me well when she was little years ago. The other was BM's little hell child. She never bonded!
Now both in their teens the BM has went after hubby favorite daughter and bought her the world to get her to like her back as the better parent while she has left the little hell child in the dark. The hell child is completely lost and jealous of her sister and the sister who use to not favor her mother for years now favors her mother period because mama is buying her.

I have gotten to the point I don't want a relationship with neither one of them because I am not buying into the buying game. If you have to buy love and respect ya can forget it.

Both of these SD's are ruin

The resentment and even anger that a lot of stepparents express often starts with the sadness and bewilderment of feeling rejected or just subtly excluded by their partners children. It is surprising how demoralising it can be to try and fail to create a real bond with a child, it seems like it should be so easy and you start off with such good intentions, but no matter how nice you are or how nice a home you create ultimately it's up to the child whether they really let you in.

Many children are just not open to really caring for and accepting their parents new partner, and even if they, are that bond can be strained to breaking point during puberty and you can end up feeling that a lot of love and effort has been unappreciated, or rejected altogether. Teenagers can be self involved and distant at the best of times. Sometimes personalities don't mesh, or backgrounds and lifestyle are too different to enable stepparent and stepchild to be close, more often the child feels such a strong attachment and loyalty to their parents that the idea of letting anyone else in seems like a betrayal of their mum or dad. That sense of disappointment with their parents divorce can continue unchecked into childhood so that even as adults they are playing out the same resentments and feelings they experienced as children.

It's so easy to fall into the pattern of feeling like you failed and if you were different or did something different they would like you and everything would be lovely. I believe that making the effort and trying to bond is important if you committed to a partner with children, but if that effort is not successful you have to step back, accept the limitations of the situation and focus on what makes you happy, rather than on the stepchild relationship which is making you feel unhappy. If you have tried and met with a brick wall the truth is that it's probably not about you at all and even if 20 different people were substituted into your position your stepchild would probably have the same reaction. It's not that you failed, it's that you're in a race you couldn't win. Your stepchild is distant, but at least she's not openly hostile or defiant. My advice is to try to accept the relationship you have with her, let to of ambitions for something more, remain pleasant and provide practical care as necessary, but other than that focus on your partner and yourself.

You didn't say how old your SD is, which I'm sure can make a huge difference.

My background I have 2 SK's, have been in their lives for 8 years. We started out OK, they were both under the age of 11 at the time. It was a little weird at first because I also have 2 kids so we dealt with the rivalry. Then it was like all of a sudden one day... I became invisible to them. Well, not quite invisible, because they would physically leave any room I walked into, and would avoid being within 30 feet of me. They played their dad and I badly... if I got after one of my kids for something, one of the SK's would turn around and do the very same thing just to see if their dad would say something (which he wouldn't, but that would be a whole 'nuther sequel).

This was also right around the time their mom (BM) started ramping up the crazy... calling 5-10 times a day to "check on them" (what did you have for breakfast? Is there enough food in the house? Oh, you want me to bring over your iPod? etc). Badmouthing me, demanding more and more money from my DH, etc. Do you sense a connection there?

All along, I was truly believing (and was actually told by DH) that the problem lay with ME, not them. I just needed to not have rules (for them), I needed to spoil them (but not my kids), I just needed to be NICER. After all, these kids were "onlies" -- the only kids, the only grandkids, etc. (Their mom had remarried but had searched high and low for a much younger man who did not have kids.) Therefore, they were having a difficult time adjusting, poor babies. Not to mention the fact that they were children of divorce (my kids are not, their father passed when they were very young... I know, go figure how his two should get more sympathy than mine??)

I refused to change myself. I think it was StepAside who responded to one of my posts a long time ago and it went something like: "I refuse to gauge my success in life on the opinions of two entitled children who aren't even mine." I carried that phrase with me every.single.day. In my case, I knew where the resentment and attitude was coming from -- SK's said they were angry because although THEY didn't want to live with their DH, they didn't want me nor my children living with him either (or... more correctly it was HIM living with US). At those ages they were extremely enamoured with their mother, who was a piece of work all on her own so it would only make sense they would mimic her feelings/attitudes towards me.

I disengaged and it was extremely obvious. I didn't do anything for the SK's. I told DH if he was going to allow them to break house rules (i.e. food/drinks in the bedroom) and not hold them accountable, I would hold HIM accountable (meaning, HE had to clean their room every weekend after they left). Because I had no say in anything concerning SK's, I shirked any responsibility. SK's want to come after school? Nope, not until DH got home. I refused to be responsible for kids whom I had no authority over.

But the one thing I kept telling DH was, "My hope is that maybe someday, when they are older, they will realize I'm not really as bad as they -- or someone else -- has made me out to be."

The SK's are late teens now, getting ready to branch out on their own. Over the past 6 months, I have seen a change in them, especially the one (who has always been close to his dad). I shall call him SK1. SK1 now talks to me, laughs at jokes, carries on intelligent conversations. I even heard him say my name once (I've never heard either of them address me by anything in 8 years). SK1 especially has, in the last year or so, radically changed his opinion of his mom and where he believes her priorities lie (obviously not with her 2 kids). I believe he has started to let go of whatever opinions he and his mom had of me in the past and is getting to know me as a person... and actually told his dad and I that he was grateful for us.

SK2 has yet to warm up to me. But then, he was always very close to his mom, a lot closer than SK1. And SK2 was out and out his mom's favorite so he has a lot more to lose if he comes over to the dark side.

It's been rough, and there have been times I've been > < this close to calling it quits. But as I watch my SK's come into young adulthood (they are late teens now) I see changes in them towards me that five years ago I could have only wished for. And I didn't go out of my way to buy their affections, nor did I treat them any differently than I do my own children. I was just a disengaged me -- take it or leave it. Maybe this is as good as it's gonna get, maybe things will get a lot better as they grow and mature out in the real world. Maybe SK1 has reached the point in his life where he wants to make decisions on his own and not be overshadowed by what "Mommy thinks".

Who knows.