HELP

Forums:

I know this website is for step parents, however I am the step daughter and I am desperately needing advice. My parents divorced over 20 years ago, which is not the problem at all I have no unresolves issues concerning their relationship or divorce. However, following the divorce my father dated one woman from the time I was 4 to probably 11; I came for a normal holiday visit and instead of a familar face their was a new woman and her son living in his home. Of course big adjustments came, and being a teen/my father's daughter I tried to make the best of the situation. My step-mother and I were close for many years, I had her in my wedding as my maitron of honor and went out of my way to make her feel included appreciated always acknowledged; i considered her to be my other mother and my daughters grandmother not just a step parent. However, over the last five years I've noticed a change in her. She started making huge differences in how she treated his children versus hers, she had a 50th birthday party for my father and invited her family but none of his children, she starting looking down on his family. Finally, after many years of feeling as if my feeling were being discounted and stomped on. My father and I had it out, I told him exactly what I was feeling. Tired of sending mothers day cards, birthday/christmas gifts without even receiving an acknowledgement. Since then I've disengaged become more and more distant however always respectful and considerate of my father. Nonetheless, these last 6 months things have gotten even worst. She opted to not attend my daughters 10th birthday out of anger towards my father and issues they are having in their marriage. Its not the fact that she didnt attend its that she didnt care to even acknowledge the day. Then I find out she's been cheating on my father maybe not sexually but personally I think conversation is much more intimate. She's been rude to us, rude and emotionally abusive to him. After everything that's transpired I spoke to my father again, telling him this time I dont want anything to do with his wife. She's disrespectful, ingenuine, lying, cheating, GOLD DIGGER.. yes i say gold digger because she keeps her money for herself and always has. They do not support me financially and never have, I am 27 years old, married to my daughter's father for 6+ years. We work, pay our own bills, and for private school tuition.. I share all of this to give background. But i need help, I love my father with my whole heart but will not accept being mistreated based on his benefit when its toxic to my life.. ???? Any help would be appreciated.

Your father is a grown man.

Your father is a grown man. You as his daughter have every right to express your concerns, then you have to let it go. You have to respect your father enough to allow him to live his own life.

You have made it clear that you want nothing to do with his wife, fair enough. It is now up to your father to make arrangements with you as to visiting yourself and his grandkids at a time and place you are both comfortable with.

Do not push your father to choose between you and his wife, because as parents of adults we know what is ahead, you and your husband have your own life and your own family. You will because it is natural and right, look after your own family first. You will not want your father hanging around with 'your' friends, yes, you may say you do now, but he will more than likely finish up as the babysitter more than he is your friend. That is just how it works. You may think you will be different, but you won't, nor should you be. You have every right to live your own life, just as your father does his.

Your father needs or wants this companionship in his older years and it is up to him to decide if he stays in his marriage or not.

As I said, you as his daughter have a right to express your concerns, you've done that. You have every right to stay away from his wife, you've done that, but you have no right to try and get your father to also stay away from his wife, or choose you over his wife. He gets to make those descions.

Now that you have put your cards on the table, you have to respect your father enough to make his own choice.

What you think of his wife really does not matter, anymore than what he thinks of your husband matters. What matters is what HE thinks of his wife.

For your own sake do not try to cause trouble in your father's marriage by pointing out the issues you have told us about, the emotionally cheating, and her abusiveness to your father that you believe is happening, he lives there, he knows, just because he doesn't tell you everything, the fact is, you don't live there, you don't know everything. If you push it, you have a good chance of pushing him where you don't want him. With her. So, have a relationship with your father, in your home or in a park, invite him to the kids parties whatever, but be aware now that you have disengaged from his wife,he may choose not to come. Your father is a grown man and you cannot blame his wife for any choices he now makes. He like most men will look after himself, and he has a right to do that.

It is also your father's place to bring his wife into line if she is doing the things you say. If his family were not invited to his 50th, then HE should have dealt with it. If she keeps her money and uses his, HE needs to sort that out. If she is rude to his family, HE needs to deal with it. If she is cheating on your father in anyway, then HE needs to work that out.

It is not his wife's fault, she can do whatever she likes, it is up to YOUR FATHER to pull her into line if she is rude to his family. You may want to take that into account before any further discussions with your father. Because your father is clearly accepting and allowing all of this to go on.

I understand exactly what you

I understand exactly what you mean, and I dont want him to have to choose or feel as if he needs to. My feeling are just those, mine alone. I didnt tell my dad I felt she was cheating, he came to me with his worries and concerns. My father and step-mother, and myself and my husband used to travel together.. He/she never was my babysitter as I live over 300 miles away, when i came to visit I spent time with the family. I visit normally every 6-8 weeks as family to me is very important. He absolutely should take care of his home first as I would myself. And with him knowing what all has transpired between her and I, and him and her what he chooses to do in regards to his relationship is all on him. I've made the decision for me because I wont allow someone to mistreat me just so he can be happy. My happiness is just as important as is his.

I'm sorry yes I spoke to my

I'm sorry yes I spoke to my father directly because I felt like I had let this happen. In speaking to my father I explained my disapointment with him allowing these things to happen because I believe that when you told tell someone something they have done is wrong they may not know, and whether you agree or not when you say nothing it sends the message that its okay. How i was treated was not okay for me, if it was okay with him then that was a problem too, is what i told him. I was so concerned with making him comfortable or not causing ripples it became a huge wave within myself. What i really what help or feedback with was just what you said making him choose. That's not what i want or what im intending to do. So if that was your intial response to this, how can I stand my ground and still let him to know I support him even if its from a distance. I hope that makes better since. Im sorry to rample its just all been boiling under my skin.

am i understanding correctly

am i understanding correctly that you think she is a gold digger because she keeps her own money rather than support you and your family with it?

Um absolutely not, I pay my

Um absolutely not, I pay my own bills and I'm capable and comfortable with doing so. They have never paid for anything towards my family, as I'm an adult and should be self supporting. I think she's a gold digger because when I father needed help financially after supporting her financially for over 10 years she turned to another man. She's a gold digger because she created the finacial burden however chose her girl's weekend rather than helping him, to which I stepped in to assist him. As i said before, my father and I have always been very close and the fact that all this is happening hurts me deeply.

ok, just asking. to me, a

ok, just asking. to me, a gold digger is someone who chooses to be with someone just for their money, not someone who is stingy with their own money.

She is both someone who is

She is both someone who is stingy with their money and someone who stays with someone for their money. One example, she called me asked me to add her son on cell phone plan, I did so with no problems and the understanding that she would be responsible for the bill. However once the drama with her and my father started she claimed she couldnt afford to pay her son's portion of the bill and left me paying almost $500.00 with fees and all. Another example, she explained to me in a conversation that with all issues they had going on she stopped paying anything and everything so she could save her money to leave; and he could just pay it all.. Yes she forgot she was talking to his daughter not just one of her friends. Her choice to stay with him to marry him was for money. That has become apparent to all. Basically I'm not saying im perfect, but I can say that I know I was a great daughter to her and she crapped on me. I just want to know if I'm making him choose or if it seems that way, whats a better way?

I think at this point you

I think at this point you treat your dad like you would treat almost anyone else in a relationship with a deadbeat/abusive partner.

You only do what you feel comfortable with, keep the lines of communication open, and acknowledge the relationship will never be what it was before.

As EBU wrote, it is HIS

As EBU wrote, it is HIS responsibility to deal with his own marraige issues - not yours. It shows a great disrespect of your Step Mother for your Father to discuss these issues with you. He should be ashamed of himself. Their marriage should be between the two of them. It is none of your business. And yes, the more you write, the more it seems like you are wanting him to choose. If you have a problem with your relationship with your Dad talk to HIM about it.

Thank you DEEDEETX thats all

Thank you DEEDEETX thats all i needed to hear. And SANDYE and EBU i agree that it's his responsibility to deal with his marriage issues and not mine. He may have been wrong to share with me what was going on however the truth of the matter is I know now. It was never my business till he involved me. And truthfully a marriage with children grandchildren affects more than just the two whom took vows. I've shared my issues and problems that I have with him directly with him, however making the decision to remove his wife from my life was not made without great thought and concern. I understand that our family dynamic will never be the same, I dont think he does. Okay so, if the more I write the more it seems like I want him to choose. What would you do? Do you feel I am wrong for choosing to remove this toxic person from my life?

"If my dad says anything

"If my dad says anything about her to me, I change the subject." There's your answer! It is your choice whether you want to "remove this toxic person from your life" or not, but there will be consequences for either path you take. What are the risks? Like many couples who have marriage problems, your Dad and SM might just work them out. If you have 'voiced' your concerns about their marriage to them or alienated your SM I can guarantee you that it will be remembered when they are a happy couple again. You say she is messing around on your Father and is a 'Gold Digger'. How did you obtain this information? Was it from her or from an angry Husband who was using his Daughter to vent?

There may also be a possiblity (as in my case), that your SM has the mutual opinion that you are toxic. You might be doing her a favor by "removing" her. My SD hated my guts for 'making her uncomfortable'. She had no specifics as to how I was doing this, but she added on to it to intensify her hate over the years. Your SM might be like me - I tried to make this angry and meanspirited woman like me for years but one day I woke up and finally admitted to myself that I REALLY didn't like her nor would I put up with her rotten behavior. She, like you, wanted to set things straight so she had a meltdown. Yes, it DID cause some problems in the marriage, and I am pretty sure DH led SD to believe he was going to leave me. But what were the consequences of her meltdown? DH had the 'opportunity' to see a side of his daughter that he had not seen before, and the extent of her unjustified hatred for me. Instead if her "removing" me, I chose to remove HER toxic ass from my life - and my home. And where is DH? Well, he's here still, no communication with SD in almost two years.

I really wish the best for you - and that you choose the path that is best for you. Remember life will not be the same whichever step you take.

Stay out of your father's

Stay out of your father's marriage.

I'm not sure how me choosing

I'm not sure how me choosing to remove his wife from my life is cause for you telling me to stay out of my father's marriage. I am no more involved than what he himself has made me. I didnt seek him out to cause confusion he brought it to my door. I pray that whatever issues your having being the forgottenwife are resolved because it seems that with me being a step daughter i had to be the cause for the confusion and problems when that isnt further for the truth. Not every stepchild is hateful!

I think your dad runs to

I think your dad runs to anyone that will listen to his problems. He has the two of you figting over him and neither of you even realizes it. You and your step-mom are not getting along becuz dear old dad is running back and forth. There is your problem honey... Stay out of your dads marriage. Period. If he talks about your SM change the subject. If you need to tell him you are uncomfotable discussing her and it is disloyal of him to be doing it to the woman he is married to. It is not your business that your SM is talking to someone else when your dad is doing the same thing. My hubby and I keep separate monies...it certainly does not mean I am a goldigger. I earn my money just like he does... You have to have some gold to be a goldigger and it does not sound like your dad has much. Lastly, you don't really know what goes on in someones marriage unless you are sleeping in the bed with them... Nuff said...

Thank you all for that

Thank you all for that provided kind words and advice. My feelings and relationship with my SM were legitimate for me even saying that I want no parts hurts because it many ways its a death or divorce of a relationship that at one time was very important. I still love her but I'm not in love with her that's why I can walk away. I talked to my father explaining that I wish him well in whatever he should choose however I want part. And I am aware that she's spoken to him telling him he should fix the dysfunction of mine and her's relationship, that his focus was working sustaining ours mine and his because there are problems there as well. I still have seen him since our argument the difference being that I don't stay at their home and he comes alone to dinner or brunch. I can't speak to anyone's else's relationships but it seems as if his relationship with me his daughter and his granddaughter is of importance in his life and in order to continue that we're both going to have to meet one another half way. When he visits this weekend for my birthday he is aware that she is not welcome at my home. The main reason for my post questions was because my relationship with him is very important and I wanted to find the best way to proceed as his feelings are important so are mine! Normally every year we would come together at my home for the holidays, do I just choose to not invite him entirely or invite him with the understanding that she isn't welcome here once again .

"The main reason for my post

"The main reason for my post questions was because my relationship with him is very important and I wanted to find the best way to proceed as his feelings are important so are mine!"

What a crock of shite. If his feelings were important to you like you state above you would NOT forbid his wife from attending family functions in your company.

You think that his feelings are important??? Yet you are basically telling him that he has made a poor choice in his wife and you are punishing him for it. You have absolutely no right to do this. If you do, you will live to regret it, I am sure of it.

As many of the other posters stated, it is much easier for everyone to be cordial and polite maybe even a little friendly than hostile and condesdending.

What I feel is one

What I feel is one relationship shouldn't be dependent on another. If he chooses to have a relationship with myself and my family it will be on my terms and not his alone, i will try to meet to meet him halfway however I will not disregard my own happiness or comfort for his any longer. They created this situation her by lying and cheating, and him by telling me. They both therefore will deal with my reaction, as was said each action causes a reaction. Beyond previous issues that I've had with her, this lying cheating situation was self-damning. Ask yourself if you knew how badly your daughter/son was being treated would you pretend, fake, lie just make everything okay , I think no! I am not 15 years old whereas he can discipline me because he doesn't like my decision. Therefore however sorry I am regarding the situation it's toxic just because its okay with him doesn't mean it has to be okay with me. If he chooses to not respect my choices then he's the one that losing out the relationship with his daughter and his granddaughter. I pray that his health would never become an issue whereas she would need to call me, or choose not to. If she made the decision not to I'd be incredibly hurt because that's both malicious and self serving. Just because I'm angry with her or choose for us to not deal with one another doesn't mean I'm any less his daughter or she is any less his wife. If your son/daughter became ill while at their fathers house wouldn't you expect to be notified ? Or because you had a nasty divorce would you expect to be slighted? I don't personally understand how many of you minimize the relationship between a father and his child. As children, we did not ask to be here and many times we were here first by no means do I feel like we should be catered to however the relationship bond as you have created should be both acknowledged and respected. No one should accept disrespect ! And to answer your question if my family didn't want my husband around, I'd ask myself why. Is this something I did, they did or none of the above. If you vent everything with your family right or wrong although you may be able to move on many times its not that easy for the loved one. When you really love someone you don't want to see them hurt. I keep my issues with my husband to myself, I wouldn't share unless I was actually done with the relationship and most importantly as much as I love my husband I would never let another person upset stop change the bond I have with my children.

comment in wrong place. I'm

comment in wrong place. I'm trying to get used to the board.

This is what I am going to do

This is what I am going to do in the event of DH's illness or demise. I have no intention of being alone to fend for myself again. Respect has to be mutual - no double standards.

What you went through is so

What you went through is so tragic but I realize this same scenario can happen to me. I have thought about this quite a bit since reading your story but I WILL let SD know - however, I will use a relative to notify her. I will also let this relative know whaen I know everything is secure and I have plenty of support. There will be bad feelings but no matter what I do there will be bad feelings. So what's the difference? Good idea to save them some ashes.

I say he can't make me do

I say he can't make me do anything because she has said that its his responsibility to fix mine and her relationship. And no I didn't speak to her directly but from my stand point she didn't initially disengage from me she was disengaged from her marriage and effectively then she disengaged from everyone. From the previous conversation before all drama began she shared they were having difficulties that she had looked for a place however all the shit backfired when he caught her cheating. Yes I am without a doubt an adult however to me if someone had an issue with my spouse they should address the issue with me, not him for me that would be out of line and disrespectful.. So are suggesting that I was wrong for expecting payment for a bill that she requested I open for her son and agreed to pay ? I'm sorry I can't agree with that. My child his granddaughter is not being kept away, he is always welcome to see her as he currently has a key to my home there has always been an open door policy however yes I believe her toxic behavior is not beneficial to anyone including her. When she decided to step outside her marriage i pray she knew there would me consequences for her actions. She wasnt concerned with the family at that point. and yes, if i felt there was something in the past i had done to cause the disrespect or hurt i would have made more adjustments or accomodations. If she was concerned with keeping open communication with my child she could have chosen to attend her 10th birthday instead of allowing there issues to cloud the decision.. This was prior to my current stance. Yes she would owe me nothing however just as she would expect respect I'd expect the same. If he became ill while at my home should I then not acknowledge her as his wife.. I disagree. I think there is a difference between disengaging not allowing myself to get wrapped up in the manipulation or drama and being hateful. So I'm understanding what your saying but what I'm hearing is I should just accept being shitted on. That may work in your life but not in mine. We all have made decisions that we have to live with but they started this ball rolling. I don't feel as if I'm being hateful I don't call her out of her name,lie about, manipulate. As I've said before they him and her created this situation not me.

Just another question, why is

Just another question, why is it that you feel I will see my father once in a while ? Is that the practice you've done in your own home ? I feel sorry for all concerned because as I'm also married everytime I leave town my husband doesn't need to be with me, it's not required. Do you feel like every visit should include you ? I understand you are a part of his life but you aren't his life. He had relationships friendships prior to your union. So I guess yes if she decides to travel with him everytime he leaves on business making sure he doesn't stop here, or be with him every free waking moment to insure nothing happens without her. Then yes I guess we'll see each other once in a while a sacrifice for us all. And to clarify my oldest is 10 and we have a baby boy due on the 21st of December named for my husband and father

Okay I agree with some of

Okay I agree with some of what your saying but my father and his wife do not/have not paid bills at my home. They do not share a bank account so If my father were to buy a gift it comes directly from him. I cant speak to how youve been treated but I dont ream my father for decisions him and his wife have made. Just as its expected when i come to his house to respect his wife and their home, and expect the same respect. They do not have children together. Their home their rules, my home and my rules. I dont feel like my relationship with him is in any way more important or more valuable because im his daughter and I have his grandchildren. I feel my relationship with him is just as important as her relationship with him is valuable as well. If he chooses to not accept my boundaries then he's losing out which is completely his choice. I'll miss my father and the relationship that we shared but I've made my decision and feelings clear. I think its important to be authentic ! Dont you respect your SC being honest rather than lying to your face and talking beind your back?

"I feel my relationship with

"I feel my relationship with him is just as important as her relationship with him is valuable as well." Do you feel your Husband's relationship to his mother is just as important as his relationship to you? And that he has the right to tell his Mother to leave her Husband at home or he will hold the grandchild hostage? This is intentionally hurtful and immature.

I have to agree that many things you have written are confusing and give double messages. In one post you refer to yourself as a 'child' then in another you say you are an 'adult'. This is the key. Because you are making demands of your Father as if you are still a child. Your Dad may see you still as his little girl but I can assure you that your SM sees you as an adult who should relate to her as an adult.

It sounds as if you are prepared to sacrifice your relationship with your Father so you can stand by YOUR decision. I can tell you from personal experience he will miss you for a while but in time he will appreciate a life without unreasonable, immature demands and the toxicity it brings to his marriage. Good luck with your life.

Oh my gosh I'm in tears

Oh my gosh I'm in tears because thats exactly how I feel. I did cherish the relationship we had, and honestly doesnt wish her any ill will however I am hurt. I know she understands that with me knowing all that I know there is no future for the relationship we had as trust has been lost. I will pray on it first because I dont want my anger to cloud what I want to say but I do intend on taking your advice in reaching out. I'm gonna say it will probably be a text or email. Again thank you because some on the people on this site made me start regretting reaching out.

It is normal to be protective

It is normal to be protective and hurt when someone you love a lot is hurt. You'd probably be really angry at your dad if he cheated on her. Sounds like you feel betrayed by your SM because you valued her and their relationship.
I think it's great you plan to reach out to her. I hope it works out.

Yes you are correct my SM did

Yes you are correct my SM did ask me to open the bill for her son, and I did it because i considered her my immediate family. No, never again but in that moment I never thought she would ever do that however at that time I didnt know all that was really going on. I am taking a step way back and I think I will let her know that I am taking a step way back because this whole thing is exactly a hot mess.

My Dh has been in the

My Dh has been in the hospital and had surgery. SK"S wouldnt set in the waiting room with me because of their aggression.i had always been good to my SK and they have always treated me like a piece of shit.They have give my DH his ultituiam and told him to make his choice. Them or me. Im still here. Anyway. SK lined up in front of my husband's bed when he was in the hospital so i couldnt see him. I ask them how they were and they never gave me a glance.They acted this way in front of their dad.While DH was in surgery they were no where to be found.Then SD sends me a text how is my dad.So I told her what they want to know.After that she hasnt spoke to me since.Well the good news is if my DH ever has to have another surgery and she text me asking about her dad is I wont waste my time or even worry about her .I will never text her back for the way they treated me at the hospital. Next time I hope I dont have to ever see them in the waiting room.They can stay gone.Last thing.SK tell DH he is welcome to all family events but to leave his wifey at home.She;s not welcome .Well so far DH has not been to any family events and he has grandkids he hasnt seen in 3 months because of their choices.So its not a good thing what you are doing to your dad wife.

I understand that men look

I understand that men look for both peace and happiness that they wont gravitate to people who put them down, but obviously he's not getting that. I dont agree that just because his children dont like you and choose to not deal with you means they dont love their father. You want them to make accomodations for him, but he shouldnt have to make accomodations for them. I'm sorry shes not a queen so I wont be kissing her ass. As for hospital information and family deaths, I'm sad for you both because thats beyond words.. as ive said before it takes so much energy and stress to stay angry and bitter. I'm neither angry nor bitter anymore, my choice to stay away should be considered ideal because I wont ever allow myself to become disrespectful with his wife or to my father. We all have a place in his life, she is his wife and i am his daughter both relationships matter. What he chooses to do with the boundaries ive set are completely up to him. And to also share they do not have any children together, his family all lives in my town he has 3 children, 2 boys and myself. There is only one grandchild/great grandchild, my daughter and then my son coming soon. I'm sorry for your situation as I wouldnt wish this on anyone because FAMILY is very important whatever that bond may be. Oh! and her son is not allowed at my their home because he's a theif.

I would agree that our

I would agree that our situations are not similar. I think family is family and you shouldnt have needed to "nice" your way into your own family. As you have not done anything to warrant there hatred she has created the problem that they need to fix. Had i never known about the cheating i think our relationship could have been mended however now all respect and trust is out the window. That is not my fault and i agree to punish is not to love. I wish you continued peace.

"I'm neither angry nor

"I'm neither angry nor bitter"...seriously?
Then who wrote the above post? It's filled with anger and bitterness. It's disgustingly childish.

I'm sorry, but you sound like

I'm sorry, but you sound like a spoiled brat who's not getting her way. Grow up.

^^^^ Yep.

Lauren B, I'm far from a

Lauren B, I'm far from a spoiled brat. I know sometimes It may seem hard to see past your own circumstances or situation. I pray that whatever issues you have get resolved because being hateful wont give you the comfort you may be seeking. Every SP doesnt hate their SC and every SD doesnt hate their SP. I dont hate this woman but being brought into this mess of a situation is TOXIC. In case you werent aware stress will kill you! So know I would eliminate a BIOP from my life as well if they couldnt bring anything but drama as well. I understand what many of you are saying however I think were going to have to agree to disagree. Hate is a strong word and to let that feeing fill your life is daunting. Your allowing someone who apparently cant stand you to live rent free in your head. That for me is too much because life is just that short. I can and always will be respectful of my father and his decisions, when I dont feel its possible I will remove myself for the situation.

Exactly. It is your problem.

Exactly. It is your problem. You should remove yourself, rather than trying to remove your father from his wife.

I am a step daughter and in a step mother position. I do not hate my step mom or my step kids.

I just call it like I see it.

You pray? Then pray for your

You pray? Then pray for your own enlightenment and, as I said before, stay out of your father's marriage.

I have THE WORST STEP FATHER

I have THE WORST STEP FATHER IN THE WORLD. He refuses to work,he and my mom are destitute. Once when I was 15, he told me very calmly that I was a loser and would never amount to anything.( I've worked since I was 12, yes 12, and my lowest grade in school ever was a c, mostly a's and b's) He commited vehicular homicide while drunk, and his rich family got him out of it. He, just recently, almost ruined my sons college graduation. Do I say anything to my mom? No. I lost my dad when I was 22, I'm not losing her too. I grin and bear it, and I actually do see some good in him from time to time. It is what it is, this is the man she's tied her kite to and they are a package deal.

I too have been hated by my

I too have been hated by my SD clearly before she ever met me. From the first meeting she was gobsmackingly rude. I could not believe it. She had no shame and was not in the slightest embarrassed by her behavior. My husband had been estranged from his kids for a few years as they refused to have anything to do with him when he left their mother. The visit to daddy came about because his loving daughter wanted money to buy a new car. She came here not to ask if dad could help her. But to demand he give her what he owed her. She reminded him several times that visit that she was his daughter and he owed it to her to buy her a car because he left her mother. Now when he left her mother he left her debt free, and with a home fully paid for. In the settlement he handed over every asset he had and only asked for his grandfathers war medals. These were never given to him. His daughter felt he should get nothing. So that is what he got.

I too tried to work towards peace and harmony in our home, I was polite and welcoming towards his daughter. I kept my mouth shut when she needed to have hers slapped shut for the disrespect she showed towards her father and myself. She was his daughter it was his place to work out his relationship with her and my place to support my husband.

I took 8 years of abuse from this woman. I bent over backwards to try and keep the peace. However she had openly declared war she had made it clear that she wanted to break up our marriage and to see her father alone and lonely as her poor mother had been. Then she said she would like to see us both dead.

Her father took all of this from her and said nothing. He allowed her to treat me this way and said nothing. The result of his silence was I lost respect for him as he was supporting his out if control daughter and allowing her to abuse his wife.

Finally she went behind her boyfriends back stopped birth control and accidentally became pregnant. That 9 months we barely saw her. It became obvious why when the baby was born. She didn't need to come here and sbuse me to make me leave her father and end our marriage. She believed get baby would do that job for her.

When the baby was born my husband said we were going to the hospital and that his daughter was happy for me to visit. Like an idiot I hoped this might be a chance to begin the healing process for this family. Long story but briefly. Not only did she make it clear she did not want me to touch her child but when I tried to hand het a gift she turned her head away stared at the mattress and refused to accept the gift.

At that point I decided it was over. My husband spoke to her daily for the first week and then during a phone call to the boyfriend the trump card was played. If my husband wanted to see the baby he would have to leave me.

His daughter threw down the gauntlet. She was so sure that she was blood. His only daughter and she had his grandchild. She too had told him that should she have a son it would be named after him. She was absolutely certain the baby would get her father to dump me and run to her. Well that stance she took, that ultimatum she gave via get boyfriend cost her het father and her baby het grandfather. That child is 15 months old and he has not seen her.

In spite of all the arguments and trouble she had caused in our marriage and the distance my husband had put between him and I by him constantly making excuses for the way his daughter treated myself and my family. When push came to shove and his daughter told him nothing was going to change she would continue to hate me and treat me accordingly so he needed to choose, his grandchild and his daughter or me. He chose me.

I tell you this because you are in the same situation. The roles you say are reversed. It is not Sd hating and disrespecting sm. it is sm hating and disrespecting Sd. But the outcome more than likely will be the same. Once you cut sm out if your life you may very well lose your father. He will choose his wife. He will stay with her for as long as he wants to. He may leave het one day if that is what HE wants to do, but he won't do it for you. Men often play the helpless victim role too. It is not just women. But they are not the victims they portray themselves to be. The do what suits them then blame the wife. For example my husband does not want to drive 4 hours to visit his father every month or so. His dad expects we should visit every other weekend. I know fir a fact my husband has told him that I don't want to make the trip. Instead of just being honest. Your father is probably not much different. He blames his wife for the marriage problems. But no one in a happy marriage cheats. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break it.

That being said you absolutely have every right to cut this person out if your life if that is what you want to do. You do not have to put up with get insults and rudeness and if you believe her to be toxic you have a right to keep your child away from her. But you should not put your father in the middle. Do not make him choose by all means tell him what your issues are if you want to. Tell him you are happy for him to visit and attend family functions but you do not want this woman in your home. Let him make his own decision as to what he does about that. But don't be surprised if he chooses not to come.

You see your father had comitted a cardinal sin in this. He has crossed a boundary by disrespecting his wife and his marriage by discussing private details of his marriage with his daughter. He has opened the floodgates for this to happen. Once you found out about the cheating and other issues your father had in his marriage it was obvious you would support your father. That is what has happened but what he didn't think through was that as a daughter and a woman you were going to take a big step back from his wife and that is going to cause him a lot more trouble in the long term. By crossing this boundary one of the women in his life is going to make him choose. Wife or daughter. That is his doing.

Be aware he will more than likely choose his wife.

You want advice? Okay

You want advice? Okay Princess, but it's gonna sting:
*Does your SM have a job? Has she ever had a job? If so, then she isn't a gold-digger. Stop calling her that! Even if she doesn't work outside of the home at this moment, I would submit to you that she does enough to "pay her own way". Maybe she's especially hot in the sack? Maybe she cooks and keeps a nice house. The point is if she takes good care of your Daddy and he's happy-isn't that enough? If not good enough, why not? Are you a gold-digger? Do you resent that you can't get your hands in Daddy's wallet? Maybe you need to get your own life and stop worrying about Daddy & SM's financials. Be glad you don't have to support them. The best gift a parent can give their kids is not to be a burden to the kid in their old ages.
*SM (and Daddy) are not obligated to give you money or pay your bills because you are an adult and need to pay your own way. Like the rest of the adults in the world. When they give you something, it is either a gift or a loan to be re-paid, not an entitlement. The world (and Daddy) does not owe you a living. It's sad, but true. You should have been taught this at a young age, you'd be happier and more well-adjusted than you seem to be right now.
*Your Daddy is a grown-up. You are a grown-up. Your marriages are none of each others business! EWWWW! Stay out of others people's intimate relationships! You don't know what is really going on and if Daddy confides his personal life/personal business to you and tells you crap like this, shame on him! How inappropriate! And shame on you for sticking your nose where it doesn't belong. Butt out! Try spending your time nurturing your own marriage instead of trying to damage someone else's. I'll bet your own husband would appreciate it if you spent all that energy and attention on him and your own kids instead of spewing venom. Don't think so? Why don't you ask him? Maybe your husband thinks you would be a much better wife if you minded your own business and focused on him/your kids. Not sure? Ask him.
*You've disengaged? It sounds like she has disengaged from you and your family too... I wonder the real reason, have you all really been so spotlessly nice and inclusive to her? Maybe she's looking down on ya'll because you behave like a nest of vipers towards her? I'm skeptical of your claims of niceness. You don't sound very nice to me.
*You had it out with your father because she doesn't show enough gratitude to you? LOL! What is it you think she owes you? What do you think you owe her? How about respect, not just to Daddy, but to her? You got to give respect to get it.
*How do you really know she's cheating, where do you get your information? Do you stalk her every moment of the day to see what she's doing? Are you in her bedroom? Do you personally monitor all her phone conversations? Don't make slanderous accusations like that without real proof, it only makes you look like a nasty pathetic gossipy bitch. Who's toxic? Really? Look in the mirror. That's probably why she's rude to ya'll, I bet she knows how you and yours hate on her. SM's aren't as stupid as it may please you and yours think.
*My advice: Watch yourselves, Karma is a bitch and you sound like just another spoiled, SM abusing, egg-sucking SKID. Try apologizing to her and Daddy. Maybe get counselling to deal with your anger. Then if you get the urge to be mean, say not one word, keep your trap shut. If other family tries to practice RA, don't pile on, say not one word, keep your trap shut. Practice acting like a classy human being 24/7, for reals this time, not pretend. There are books about manners and getting along with other people you can buy or get from the Library. Check them out and study them. Teach your own children some manners and how to get along with people. You don't have to love each other, but quality, classy adults with manners treat each kindly, compassionately and respectfully. Be that person. Encourage your family to follow your lead. Set a good example for your kids. Concentrate on being a good wife to your husband. If you do this you won't have time to stick your nose into Daddy and SM's business. Maybe some day she'll forgive you and won't write you out of the will. Good Luck!
*Tell her about this website, tell her to visit here soon. I'd love to hear her side of this story Tell her we feel her pain.

I will try to address all of

I will try to address all of your claims and or questions you asked in the above hateful rant.

* My SM has worked over the years no job lasting more than 6 months. I'll call her whatever I'd like to! If she was "paying her own way" there wouldnt be financial problems! She neither cooks nor cleans they have always had housekeepers for that. Maybe she is hot in the sack, personally I could care less. Yes, if she were taking care of my father, and he was happy with the situation I would be happy as well.
No, I am far from a gold-digger. I work 50+ hours a week, I worked for the same company for more than 9 years. I pay my bills and always have, I never had any expectation or want to be supported by my father and his wife. I was never in their business/financials however when I father came to me needing to talk he spilled the beans. Everything else about her some-timey work history was apparent.
* SM cannot and hasnt ever given me anything. They do not share bank accounts because she has a problem with lying and spending and then not working. Any gift that has been given to myself and or my family has been directly from my father.
* My marriage is my own, as his marriage is his own. When he/she choose to confide in me about their marriage, is that my fault or theirs? I havent spewed venom not sure where you got that from..
* Yes I have disengaged. Intially she disengaged from everyone in his family not just me. From my opinion she was disengaged because she was ramping up to leave, however she probably needed to save more money. However, she was caught prior to completing her plan.
* Gratitude? I'm not sure exactly where you pulled that from either.. I argued with my father because I didnt like the way she made differences between his children and her son, her family and his, etc. My anger was because he allowed it. She owes me nothing but respect, the same respect that she was always given.
* I know she's cheating because my father told me, I know she's cheating because text/phone records for the last 24 months prove that, I know she's cheating because the private investigator he hired caught her. I would never sneak around trying to catch her doing anything I neither have the time energy want or desire to do that.
Nasty pathetic gossipy bitch? That's laughable! Hate on what? She can offer me nothing, and no one is hating on her!
* Karma indeed is a bitch, I'd expect you should be getting yours very soon. I will never apologize to that women, my SM because I've done nothing wrong. My father definetly shouldnt have shared what was going on, I suspect he wishes he hadnt either. We never discussed the ins and outs of their relationship prior however this time he obviously needed to vent.
* My husband and children are both healthy and happy. My husband supports and suggested that I disengage because its stressful and not healthy.
* MY SP has no control over my father's will. The home they live in currently has my name on it with his, because it is a family home which he had prior to their marriage. His accounts, life insurance, emergency medical contact have always included his children. Because although he's a husband he's also a father.

You need to immediately seek professional therapy because its apparent that you are struggly with many issues. Are you being classy? Are you utilizing your book of manners? I'd suggest you medicate often.It's obvious that your unhappy in your life, and you probably shouldnt have married a man with children. I'd suspect that if I had a SM anything like you, i'd would have cut her ass out like cancer.. I hope his children have stepped far far away from the crazy! You so easily claim I must be the problem, because im the SD and she's the SM. You dont know this woman from a can of paint, but me the one that came to this website looking for help because it obviously bothering me.. Me you blame. It must be my fault she doesnt work, doesnt clean, cant take of herself, cheated, and is a liar.. Ding Ding, yep thats all gotta be my fault. No SD could have truly cared for another parent. Sadly you are not capable of giving any un-biased advice, and frankly you shouldnt give any advice until you get your own house and family in order. To everyone that provided un-biased non hate based advice, I appreciate your help and advice. I pray you both peace and comfort.
This site and some of the women Ive encountered are hate spewers as shown above. Repuke the devil ma'am you'll probably live longer

I will try to address all of

I will try to address all of your claims and or questions you asked in the above hateful rant.

LOL! Bless your heart!

LOL! Bless your heart! Princess, you've posted this twice, I must have hit a nerve. You don't like the way I said what I said, but it is true. Your nose is way too deep in other people's business. You're so close to the forest that you can't see the trees. Butt out. If you truly work so many hours, keep your house nicer than SM's housekeeper keeps SM's house and raise your family, how do you manage the time to be Daddy's mini-wife and mind everyone else's business too? I'd be impressed, but its disfunctional. It's called emotional incest. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe your Daddy is happy with the situation? Maybe he likes the drama and the attention from you? That's not right, it's manipulative. When he starts confiding details about his marriage and finances to you, how about you immediately tell him it isn't your business and you don't want to hear it, ever? If your Daddy's marriage is imploding, what part did he play in it? Isn't Daddy's marriage between Daddy and SM? Butt out. If it implodes, think about the nasty thrill of joy and revenge you'll feel. You would have won. You would have gotten your way after all. You'd have Daddy all to yourself then, right? I still suggest that you take the time and effort you are spending trying to slander your SM and spend it paying attention to your kids and husband. If your husband is suggesting you disengage because it is not healthy, why don't you take his advice? He's right you know. BTW, are you sure your kids and husband are really happy? Maybe your husband is confiding in someone else about his unhappiness with you. That kind of deep emotional betrayal seems to run in your family after all-starting with Daddy. Do you have a daughter? What would you think if he was saying this stuff to her about you? Or to someone else? Would you think it was sick and inappropriate? It is.
I chuckle when you say people on this site are hate-spewers. This isn't a site for SKIDS. Why are you here? Did you think you'd sway us with your stories? We are goodhearted people who have been abused by people like you and have learned to smell bullcrap from a mile away. You aren't fooling anybody. Why you go find a SKID Talk site? I don't know your SM, but I feel sorry for her. It sounds like she is in a no-win situation with an emotionally incestuous husband who backstabs her to her hostile SKIDS/mini-wife and you're are all trying to gang up on her. I'd want to leave if I was her too. Don't you want her gone? Or do you want to crush her before she gets gone?
I pray your SM peace and deliverance from the hostile environment she is in. I pray you learn how to mind your own business and let Daddy/SM mind theirs. I pray Daddy gets a good swift kick in the pants from Karma (she's a bitch) for involving his children in things that aren't their business. Seriously, tell SM about this site. She'll be thrilled to know that you've spent some time here assasinating her character and everything else about her.

Your Friend, the devil repuker :sick:

You said SM was having an

You said SM was having an "emotional" affair, no sex. So what exactly did the "private investigator" see? SM and a man at Starbucks?

Really, do you work 50 hours a week, with a 10 year old and you are now pregnant, AND visit your Dad 300 miles away every six weeks?

Smacks of BULLSHIT

2Step, You are right. Sounds

2Step, You are right. Sounds like a lot of BullShit to me too.

She actually sounds just like my SD. How she just cares soooo much for DADDDEEEEE that she has to interfere with his marriage. Delusional for sure.

I hope the SM in this case leaves this hideous triangle and finds a safe and happy home for herself.

I understand you're upset and

I understand you're upset and want to understand what is going on. I hope you are able to get it out of her. I don't want to sound rude.....I'm wondering why you don't just ask her what happened?

Again, not to be rude, but whatever she has done to your father has absolutely nothing to do with the relationship that you are seeking advice on. Why bother telling anything at all about what she did, does to your father when what you are really concerned about is the relationship between you and her.

I haven't read all of the comments, but I can tell you 100%, no one can answer the why in this situation except SM. Start by asking her what the problem is if you really want to know, then, if needed, come back for advice. No one can tell you why, nor can they give you advice on the problem between you and her without knowing the reason.

What you can be told is to stay out of her and your dad's relationship. Trust your father to take care of himself. No one listens to advice about their spouse positively when it is regards to a negative situation.

Your concern is why she has issues with you, not with your father, right? It seems like you go from being upset about your relationship with SM deteriorating, to justifying a hate for her. Do you feel bad she has stopped her relationship, or do you want to have reasons to be angry at her> I'm confused. I'm slow sometimes, so apologies if I missed it.

PHi Mosley, I'm an adult SD

PHi Mosley,

I'm an adult SD too and wrote a blog on this recently: http://www.steptalk.org/node/81882

I know all too well how difficult it is to not say anything in these situations. My stepmother bashed my mom to me, talked $hit about my mom and I to many people when she knew I would be in earshot, and to this day, is still known to yell at my dad to turn off the f*cking tv or radio at the top of her lungs.

It's tempting to yell at her, "don't you talk to my dad that way, you moron!" It's tempting to ask my dad why in the he11 he stays with her. It's tempting to ask my dad to leave her behind.

The road to he11 is paved with good intentions and while you may initially believe you're helping your dad by doing what you are now, but the reality is that you'll wind up with a nearly non-existing relationship with your dad. Nobody is saying you have to re-friend her. Do, though, think about how you'd want your family to treat your husband if he cheated on you, and you decided to forgive him. Would you want them to let you work out your marital issues? How would you want your dh to be treated if you two were in the situation your dad and stepmother are in?

It's something to ponder.

Well said anon2009

.

The more you post, the more I

The more you post, the more I can see what the real problem is. Yes, the house may be in your Father's name and your name but it is easy to read through the lines and see that if they DO work it out there is a possibility he can change his will to favor SM. If he changes his will and leaves his equity to SM, you would wind up with a portion of the house. This means SM would get 1/2 of the house plus any added equity while they were married. Also she would be entitled to at least 1/2 of other assets accrued during the marriage - unless he willed the entire sum to her. I can not blame her for wanting to put aside funds in the event of your Father's death or a divorce. GEEEZZZ!! What would you do in the same situation?

I agree with the other posters. Your relationship with your Father appears to be emotionally incestuous. Most people, when faced with a 'cheating' spouse seek the support of a close friend or a therapist. Your Father chose to run to you. Sick. The information you have received has been your Father's interpretation. If he considers talking to someone 'cheating' your SM should run for the hills.

And WTF is "Repuke the devil ma'am you'll probably live longer" about? YOU spew hate then write like a Bible thumper.

LOL! This is Krispey Kreme

LOL! This is Krispey Kreme repuking the devil: :sick:

Ya, we're doomed to the

Ya, we're doomed to the 'repuking' bin! Is a 'repuke' sort of like a double message? LOL

Can you imagine what Mosely's

Can you imagine what Mosely's SM has been through? And I thought I had it rough!

Mosley~ You've gotten a lot

Mosley~
You've gotten a lot of responses and information here. These best way I can sum it up is to say this:

A marriage should always only involve TWO people. Adding a third person, regardless of capacity, is a recipe for disaster.

(Whether it involves a child, a side lover, a parent, etc. Two people. Two people only.)

It sounds like you are waaaay too involved in your father's marriage. Step back, let them live their lives, and just be his daughter.

And don't hold the grandkids as ransom.

Stick a Fork is right! Don't

Stick a Fork is right! Don't hold the grandchildren ransom. Unless you have seen this woman, beat, berate, sexually abuse,intimidate your daughter, you have no grounds for this ransome bull. There are a lot of cheaters in this world. I don't condone it, but they are still good parents and grandparents. This is good advice for parents who don't like who their children picked either. It ultimately is between the two who have married. It is not a mother or a daughter place to sit judgement on these people.

You were close to her at one

You were close to her at one point, right? I think that the only person who is behaving differently is you. They are how they have always been. Your dad is the one in the wrong for taking his marital issues outside of his relationship with your SM, honestly, and you believed what he said...he cannot take that back now. I think the problem is really with your relationship with your dad, like the other posters said, nip it in the bud if he talks out of turn. It's possible he could have just been worn out, or depressed, and just rambled on about her, suggest that to him? Suggest it to SM too? That could be an ice breaker, it could avoid you eating humble pie too?? I seriously doubt that they will break up and I hope that you and her can establish a better understanding, at least, and get along.

My DH was estranged from his

My DH was estranged from his adult kids when we married. 14 months later Sd decides she'd like a new car, and walked into our marriage with the sole intention of breaking up our marriage and getting daddy's wallet back. She got angrier and angrier as the years went on at her lack of success. Then she decided her trump card would be a baby. She had one, then let dad know if he wanted to see her and the baby then he would have to leave me. Now she is even angrier than before. She has destroyed my husbands relationship with his father, because of her tears and woe is me antics, and mine too, FIL no longer speaks to me, because I stopped all contact with her after this ,leave your wife to see the child BS, I also told her she was not welcome in my home anymore. Now, that of course is what she believes and tells everyone is the issue, I banned her frommy home, she has totally forgotten apparently, that she told DH to leave me or he would not see her child.

Her child has no grandfather she has no father. She blames me for this and will shed tears to all that will listen to her, her mother is dead and I won't let her father see her. None of this does she take responsibility for. Funnily enough she doesn't, outwardly at least, blame her dad. It's all my fault.

Truth is her father has had a gut full of her demands. I also suspect her father knows she despises him, and that's not going to change.

Her decision to cut me out if her life has cost her her father. You know what. She was warned this would happen many times before she birthed a child into her world of anger and hate, but she was so sure that she and her father had a close relationship that she was his favorite that he would do anything for her.

Be very careful where you tread here very careful. You will lose your father your children their grandfather. This will be your fault. You put it out there to your dad. He being forced now to choose will choose his wife. That is not her fault, it is of course entirely your father's fault to begin with for discussing personal and private details of his marriage with his daughter. That is not healthy, as you can see from the fallout already.

I know my husband lied to his children about a lot of things so he came out the good guy. Your father may very well tell you all about SM, but you do not know what he has been telling SM. Your situation is not unique, your father has already shown you he is willing to break confidences and discuss people behind their backs by discussing his marriage with you. If he does this about SM, God only knows what he has told SM about you.

I've read both sides of this

I've read both sides of this whole thread. If your goal was to rile up a hornets nest, you accomplished that.

I will say you have no right to expect your dad to leave his home and wife on Christmas or any other holiday. His place is with her.

If you don't wish to see SM, any other regular day with just your dad will do, to see his grandkids. As long as dad and his wife don't already have plans. And then, consider yourself lucky if she allows it.

Also, I would be very careful about throwing around the scarlett letter A word. First you said it's not sexual, then you said a detective confirmed something. Then, something else that doesn't add up in your blog: you say they can afford luxuries like a cleaning company (since SM won't clean) but they have to borrow money from you to pay for a kid's cell phone? And after a 20 yr. marriage her name isn't even on the house, but yours is? That doesn't make sense to me either.

Ya, a lot of things don't add

Ya, a lot of things don't add up. It makes you wonder huh?

It's all about you obviously.

It's all about you obviously. Everyone here has given you good advice but you persist in justifying your insistence that he choose you over his wife. Sorry to be so blunt, but that's what I've read through this long thread. You state at the end that you wouldn't let another person change the bond you have with your children. I hope that is the case for you but you can't expect the world to not change because you wouldn't. Life has a way of happening, people change, people get divorced, find new mates/companions and the priorities change. We either roll with them or we lose people. I speak from experience. I am a SD and a SM.

My SD told DH that I wasn't

My SD told DH that I wasn't invited to her family function. He went... ONCE. Had such a miserable time without me that he told his daughter that if am not invited, he is not going. SD has since rolled out the red carpet for me. Thanks, DH!

You said SM "broke your trust". How? Did she cheat on YOU? I think not. Her transgressions have nothing to do with you.

From what I've read, she 1) didn't pay you back for a cell phone bill and 2) did not attend your daughter's birthday party. That's what she did that you didn't like. So you respond by BANNING her from your life and gossiping about her behind her back with her HUSBAND, calling her a gold digger (which makes no sense). Shame on you!

If you are capable of entirely cutting her out of your life, I wonder how you REALLY treated her the past few years. SM had a reason for disengaging from you. We wives want to be accepted by our stepchildren. No one is going to disengage without a good reason.

I hope you didn't marry a man like your father. If you did, you are in for a lot of heartache.

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