Darn guilty dad admission-and things being shaken up.
So, in a conversation late last night some things came out
He started by saying he feels like he's playing neutral mediator all the time at my house, and that i seemed stressed all the time -I finally in frustration pointed out that he feels so bad for her (SD), that he doesn't realize all the GOOD things she has!
From the outside lookin in, the kid isn't depressed, seems generally happy and healthy, gets good grades, is in sports...YES she has issues...so do my kids for lack of having a loving father in their lives-who doesn't??
I dont' want my heart on the line anymore-I don't want my kids hearts on the line anymore...this sucks! Why is it that us women can realize our mistakes in life, and move forward with a new life -and these men get stuck in the past and pity party and beat themselves up year after year??? There's days where everything is great and then the guilt rears itself again and all goes to hell. I'm stuck not knowing what to do or where to turn today.
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"I told him-look at all the
"I told him-look at all the presents, friends/family she has around each holiday, birthday, game… i've never seen more family spectators for one kid at a game before (certainly not my kids), she gets whatever she needs/wants for clothes/phone/highlights at 10/special treatment/spoiled/whatever she wants...contrast my sons whom I struggle to buy a pair of jeans for and we haven't had a vacation in years. She has vacations a few times a year...and a big network of family that loves her and has her back"
Sounds like the Behemoth and yet GG still feels "guilty" and holds a candle for her. No matter how nice he acts toward me, that is ALWAYS looming in the background; at any second a switch can be pulled and GG is back in "pining" mode.
I recently told my DH that I
I recently told my DH that I feel like I got ripped off and only got to enjoy a portion of the man that he is supposed to be. DH was so jaded by his first marriage experience, that it has tained ours.
DH and I have been together for 17 years, married for almost 10. We have a pretty good marriage. But it should be awesome! Instead, DH carries that guilty, poor-me baggage around with him still.
It's not fair.
I have dealt with that baggage too (it's kinda like second-hand smoke that kills) but you don't see me sitting at home pouting about it. Move on already.
Yeah, I can sympathize with you on this. I'm also 37 and I did wait it out to see if DH was capable of having true happiness in our new life together. But even when SS turned 18 last year (you know, that milestone that everyone waits for, when CS is over and the child becomes an adult?), it still seems that happiness is on hold for DH. *sigh*
Pining mode-that's it. But
Pining mode-that's it. But it's for SD not BM who he despises and is sickened by honestly. I think when he was more disengaged emotionally from SD he did better-now that he's stepping up his involvement and caring the 'pining' starts and when I called him out on if he was resenting spending time with my sons he admitted it.
I got the whole: At least you have your kids with you. LIke it's not hard raising two kids alone? YES you don't have her all the time you also have time to yourself whenever you want.
I work full time, have homework, dinner, showers and naggign to do every night-I don't get a break-I struggle financially-I maintain/clean my home-I go to every school meeting, birthday party, whatever they need-it's NOT easy-I never signed up to do this alone-I had NO choice but to do this alone based on the man I married long ago-this IS a better alternative but it's not without difficulties! Everybody has struggles, just different-that doesn't stop you from moving on with your life.
I hate to say it but millions of NCP remarry and form a new life w/the new family-and a lot of times that DOES involve spending more time with skids then your own-but we DO try to give her as much normal family time when shes' here-what more can we do??
In so many ways she gets SO much more then my kids do! I'm just so mad today. Doesn't help that PMS has arrived-just lovely.
Wish I could go to my local bar and forget about everything today-except I have duties at home like every day. He can sit there and 'pine' on all his responsibility free life...pffttt
Believe me, GG pines after
Believe me, GG pines after his maladjusted, PASed out feral atrocities of nature every day and not just the BM.
JASM-wow....so on spot...here
JASM-wow....so on spot...here I am wondering if he's capable of being fully happy to want to have a do-over and us get married....your post leaves me with little hope though. I don't understand it....why do we move on? WHy are we the only ones that believe we deserve second chances and a full, loving happy life with a wonderful partner-even if we have bagagge in our lives? I want that more then anything! I don't know if he's capable of it though. That's heartbreaking to me....i'm beyond upset and hurt.
I know he'll come back and say "was just venting, having a bad day, blah blah blah.." but it will always be there.
Your pointing out all the
Your pointing out all the good things that SD has, is very important. I used to feel so bad for my daughter( still do sometimes) and I realized that I was not doing her any favors, on the contrary! One can acknowledge that there is difficulty, but treating our kids like they are "poor" actually makes that part of their lives bigger. I have been telling my daughter about all the great stuff in her life, and how she has enough of everything to just have a great life. When she felt my being sorry for her, it reflected on her in a negative way.
So good for you for pointing that out.
Just had to reply to the
Just had to reply to the "underwear fund" comment....
During my SD's annual visit with us when she was around the age of 20, she asked me (as she did on every annual visit) if she could "borrow" or "use" my sanitary pads. Ahem! I had predicted she would ask me as she always did. So, I replied that I didn't have any. I had forewarned DH that she would make this request and I did have some but I was not going to give her any. She then asked DH to buy her some. He asked her why she had not planned in advance and packed them in her suitcase, as surely she would more or less have an idea when she might need them.
This set her off on a complete tantrum: when she stays with BM (she lived at home with BM until she was 24) BM supplies her sanitary needs WHY COULDN'T DH DO THE SAME waaaaaaaaaaaah, life is so unfair ............
Un-freakin-believable!!!!!!!!!
Well, around that same time
Well, around that same time "period", BM had a live-in BF who had a 21 year old son. It seems that there was much tension in their home between SD(then 20), SS(then 16) and BF's 21 year old son, and a lot of the blame was of course placed on the BF's son.
It seems that all 3 "kids" had to take it in turn to clean their shared bathroom, including emptying the bathroom trash. I recall SD complaining that BF's son was disgusted at having to empty the trash when SD had put all her used sanitary pads and tampons in there. She discussed this with me and DH. She felt that a 21 year old should not be "shocked" at menstrual stuff. Of course, it was a tactic to show us how awful the BF's son was.
Personally, I'm sure he was not "shocked" but rather "disgusted" that he had to take his turn during her menstruation. Blech!
Yeah, and what's that about: women discussing menstrual subjects with their fathers :? Too odd!