You are here

New Member

niki424's picture

Submitted by niki424 on Wed, 09/07/2011 - 7:47am

Hi everyone. I have never blogged before or joined an online community like this one. I'm here looking for support and advice to help me get through some of these difficult issues. I guess I'll explain a bit about myself and what brought me here.

I've been involved w my fiancée for 4 years. I have never met his other two children. We have a 9 month old son and he is in the process of going to court in order to have visitation with his 2 other children. He has 2 boys, ages 4 and 8 with a woman who is still in love with him and despises me. She refuses to allow the boys to be around me or come to our home. My fiancée and I live in a different state so I guess that makes seeing the children all the more difficult. The mom lives with her parents and has blocked BB from even being able to call and speak to his children.

I have come here to get help. BB and I had our first counseling session yesterday because this is tearing the both of us apart. We are such a wonderful couple except for this area. We have been fighting almost daily and I'm trying to find ways to deal with this issue so I don't end up walking away. The thought of living like this everyday for the rest of my life terrifies me and although he is truly the love of my life, I can't nor do I want to spend the majority of my life miserable. I'm hoping the members on this sight can give me some much needed support and peace. Bryce is a wonderful man and does everything in his power to make me happy but for numerous reasons we're not friends when it comes to his children and that is a huge problem. Help

Comments

Willow2010's picture

Submitted by Willow2010 on Wed, 09/07/2011 - 7:59am

Welcome. A few questions…why are you fighting about kids that you don’t even see? How long has it been since he has seen them? Is there a custody agreement in place?

niki424's picture

Submitted by niki424 on Wed, 09/07/2011 - 8:19am

Thanks! Well I'll spare you the incredibly long story but we fight because there has been a lot of drama surrounding these kids. When we lived closer to them, BB allowed the mother to bully him and I found it so unhealthy that he refused to stand up to her and introduce me to his children. It made me feel like I wasn't good enough. My fiancée hates confrontation so he has hidden things from me. He has gotten better but I just found out that the lawyer fee doubled and he paid her a large amount of money without telling me. I go to use the bank card and it was denied! That's how I found out! And since we agreed that he would no longer hide things from me, it was a huge deal to me not to mention embarrassing as hell :).

It's been about 6 months since he's seen his children. He spoke to them @ least once a day before the mother blocked the phone and they were supposed to come up here for a bit over the summer but she served him with papers.

No, there is no custody agreement in place. That's another area where we don't see eye to eye. He is fighting for visitation now but I get so frustrated because the oldest is 8. He was so afraid to take her to court and in my opinion this should've been handled years ago! It is so heartbreaking to watch her use these children as weapons and now it's so much worse because he avoided confronting her for so long. She also harasses us regularly ...

reluctantgma's picture

Submitted by reluctantgma on Wed, 09/07/2011 - 9:18am

Welcome niki. What you describe of your fiance's behavior (avoiding conflict, not handling issues that should have been dealt with years before, lying or covering up issues/actions that should have been discussed/decided as a couple) sounds just like my former bf. "Former" being key to that last sentence. However, my former wouldn't consider counseling or help of any kind.

I know what it's like to live in misery because of someone else's (in)actions and behaviors. I had to face up to the fact that it made no sense for me to be controlled by what someone else did and went to work on making myself whole and happy. Lucky for me, I'm a middle-aged g'ma. There were no kids between us to muddy the water and we were living in my home. I changed my locks. He and his son have gone to live with his parents.

It isn't my place to tell you what to do, other than the first step is taking back what you truly have control over - yourself and your life - whatever that translates into for you. I started going to Codependency Anonymous (CoDA) meetings before splitting with Bozo and am looking forward to my meeting today. It feels wonderful because it's "just for me." It had been a long time since I had done anything that wasn't for or somehow tied to Bozo and his son.

Spanky's picture

Submitted by Spanky on Wed, 09/07/2011 - 9:23am

Yeah i feel u, i have been married for year now and i have 5 months D, in my opinion i feel there is something hidden between him and the mother of his baby, why on earth should any one refuse you the right of being a parent and u dont take them to court? Sorry to say this but 4 years of bein a fiance is too much for me, that woman still love him right! She still blv that he will come back to her since u aint married yet and she knows that he loved his kids, for me he shld report her if there is nothing to hide

overit2's picture

Submitted by overit2 on Wed, 09/07/2011 - 9:24am

Ok, question, you've been involved with him 4 years right?

So....how is it that there is no CS order or visitation set up already in those 4 years since his divorce? How was it originally set up in the divorce decree?

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 09/07/2011 - 9:33am

Who moved? Did BM move to another state or did you guys? you say it's been 6 months since he saw his kids, but you have never seen them? How and where does he see them?

niki424's picture

Submitted by niki424 on Wed, 09/07/2011 - 11:31am

I really appreciate the input and responses from everyone. Ok so first: he was never married to her. That's why there was no arrangement between the 2 of them. He had been single for around 4 years when he met me and was living about an hour from her and his kids. He told me that she had been difficult with his last girlfriend but he didn't have any problems with her up until he met me. They didn't have anything official through the courts which in my opinion was his first major mistake but the arrangement they had between the two of them had been working for years. All this started when he and I got together. I had moved south which is where I met him. At first it wasn't an issue because I wasn't ready to meet his children. Then she refused to let him pick up his kids if she knew I would be there.

That's when the fighting started. We moved in together and and I was so incredibly offended that he would not stand up to her. In order to spend time w his children he'd have to take them somewhere and it drove me crazy!! I kept telling him to take her to court. He kept telling me that we couldn't afford it. It had been getting progressively worse for some time and finally I broke it off.

When we got back together he assured me that this whole thing would be handled and he would no longer allow her to bribe him with his kids. In the midst of all this I got laid off and we decided to move closer to my family. So we are the ones that moved. He would go back to visit his children and yet again did not bring me because he feared her not allowing him to see his children which in turn made me furious. Things seemed to be settling down and they got a temporary custody order that allowed for the kids to come and stay with us when their schedule allowed.

I think what blew the roof off this thing is when the mom found out that we were engaged and we had a child. That's when she blocked the phones and served him with papers. She's trying to have his parental rights terminated and say that he abandoned his children. I don't remember the exact term but it's something alienation.

I'd just like to mention that he is wonderful and would do anything for me. He works like a dog so I can stay home with our child and I love him dearly. That again is why I'm trying so hard to come to terms with this stuff through doing things like this. Well that's the general background of this whole thing. There's obviously a lot more specifics but at least this gives everyone an idea. Thanks again for your responses. G

niki424's picture

Submitted by niki424 on Wed, 09/07/2011 - 11:41am

Oh and one more thing just to clarify. We got engaged last March and we got pregnant in April both of which happened after we had moved so I haven't been engaged to him for 4 years.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Wed, 09/07/2011 - 12:05pm

I'll probably get flamed for this, but I have to throw this out there... this is what I am seeing.... that something stinks here. I don't like the fact that your FDH has kept things from you, that he has never had his children in your presence, and that he has no custody arrangement whatesoever in place. This BM is acting like a woman scorned.. you say that she really flipped her lid when she found out that you had a baby and were getting married... perhaps she is just of the typical BM psycho variety, but given the rest of your story, it makes me wonder if there was not something going on with your FDH and BM that you were unaware of.

Again, maybe I am being over the top cynical here, but something about this whole thing just rubs me the wrong way.. maybe because of the secrecy and such????

Oi Vey's picture

Submitted by Oi Vey on Wed, 09/07/2011 - 12:11pm

^^I have to agree.
The youngest skid is 4, but OP has been with him for 4 years. In FOUR years' time, there's NO "official" custody/visitation/support order.
Something just isn't adding up. I'd be VERY cautious.