So yea, I can't believe that it has been so long since I have posted or even visited this site.

Around this time last year I was throwing my money away seeing a shrink that convinced me that my negative views were what was making my life as a step-mom so difficult, not my step-son (whom he was also "treating"). He was sympathizing with SS lies and I didn't realize it until June, when we had a meeting together because SS had worked up the "courage" to confront me about something they had been discussing for months apparently. SS revealed in front of the psychologist that I was unfair for not giving him an allowance like all the other kids got. I replied that he has a chore chart and gets paid per chore, but if he chooses to do no chores, he gets paid no money. It seemed easy to me why he didn't have any money, because I won't pay him to play video games and go on the computer and watch TV all afternoon until its dinner time and then goes upstairs to film on his iFlip, play Legos or text on his cell until its bedtime.

So then the shrink asks SS if he thinks my way is fair and of course he said no. So the shrink then goes on to ask if SS thinks he should just get an allowance every week regardless of if he does chores and SS booms a resounding "YES!" He goes on to explain that this is fair because he doesn't like chores and he needs spending money. Well, needless to say that was my last day with that psychologist, what a waste of time and money! The only "good" thing that came out of it was an Aspergers diagnosis. Whew...and here I thought I had a sociopath on my hands, nope, just a high functioning Autistic boy who is also OCD, ADD who has passive aggressive tendencies and mild Tourettes.

Now a year later and things have progressed very little in my world dealing with this child and then with SD10 trying to be more grown up (which includes all that sass and stubbornness) and DH traveling frequently for work (at least one night a week, usually more, never less) and a lame part-time job that pays so little for all the work I do I want to quit, if it wasn't for the modicum of sanity that it brings to my days.

I have tried so many things, but many days I am like a single mother with two adopted kids and I feel like it takes so much out of me. My DH gets upset when I try to disengage for sanity's sake so I only allow myself to do it when he is away on business, because otherwise he feels like I am "not happy enough" or whatever...even though I suspect I may have a mild chronic depression anyway.

Bring onto the table my undiagnosable infertility and the treatments that ranged from acupuncture to IUI in the last 12 months with no success. At a mere 33 I feel already like I should give up hope because the only children God must want me to have are my husband's and they don't like me all that much.

On days like today, where my husband has been gone for a few days, and SS has been asking for things and SD won't pick up her room but gets angry when I don't let her on the computer until she cleans it...well I feel a sense of desire for my old life. Yeah, the one I had before I became an insta-mom. The one where I didn't move across the country so my husband could have his dream job and I would have to quite my career and stay at home and try to do freelance unsuccessfully because I had no network or client base. The life where I owned my own nice home that was always clean instead of strewn with junk from the kids leaving their stuff everywhere and never picking it up until I did.The life where I didn't feel like a looser or loner because all the moms in my town think I am the "babysitter" because I don't look like my kids and I'm too young to hang out with them anyway. The life where I didn't live with my husbands dog eating the crotch out of all my stuff and peeing in the house.

I wish I could change things, but I've tried and I can't. What is there to look forward to? I feel like DH tries to buy my happiness with nice trips, fancy gifts and sporadic weekends full of fun and excitement, but they are just fluff. Many times we cannot enjoy it because the kids are so bitter and sour that they aren't doing what they want, or they are bored, or whatever. They argue with each other as SS is very abusive towards his sister and myself. Alas the happiness does not come.

I even signed up for a belly-dance class, but it has become more frustrating than fun. Does anyone else feel this way. Has anyone been able to get themselves out of such a rut?

Maybe this site can help me once again...