How to get over the bitterness
Hi Everyone,
I wanted to join this group, so that I can get insight on how to deal with things as well as help those who need it as well. I have friends that are married, friends that have kids, and friends that are divorced, however none of them seem to be the step parent dealing with another one's kid and their ex. This is one situation that I feel very alone in and I need help figuring out how to navigate certain scenarios in life.
Secondly, I have looked up the acronymns but if I'm wrong about them or not using something correctly, please let me know. lol. Life is confusing enough, so I will do my best to catch up immediately. ha!
Okay... here it is. I have been married for about two years now, but I have been living with my DH for over five years. My three SS were 6 and 3 (twins) when I met them. They are now 11 and 7 years old. After a year of dating, I moved in with my DH and quickly realized how different and how close by the BM was. She lived only a couple minutes away and made it very clear when she would just come over unannounced. Now I am one that loves a good suprise visitor, but I am also very private and if I'm not friends with you I do not like surprise visits. Per their custody agreement their supposed to meet their ex's SO once it got serious, so I met with her. She had no problem opening up and telling me all of her thoughts - like how they had their kids to why they broke up and ending with "I don't think you two should kids and he should really get a vesoctomy."
Now the big goal between the two of them were to stay amicable for the kids' sake. Yes, I get that. My parents had a really bitter divorce and I didn't want to be in that again. However it seemed that being too friendly was a lot as well. She has this warped way looking at the world and if it doesn't fit what she thinks, it's wrong. Perfect example was when I moved in, I found out that the six year old was still in night diapers as well as the twins. She didn't want to shame them and didn't even try to get him to not wear night diapers. Now years later have passed and after four - five years of not allowing them to wear night diapers at our house, all three have finally stopped wetting the bed.
So fast forward to now, which is leaving out a lot of great detail. But the oldest has been recently diagnosed with Autism, OCD, High levels of Anxiety and Depression. COVID certainly made this worse for all of us, but absolutely him. The BM also comes from a lot of money and hasn't worked a day in her life, so she doesn't understand trying to make ends meet and figuriing out how to make schedules work. So now that this is the case, we have to come up with a plan for the oldest and what is best for him. Now that our schools are opening up, she will not send him back nor is she really homeschooling him either. My DH has said that he can help out more than the two days (during the week) that we have my SS but she said no. She keeps stating that they have 50% legal and physcial custody and she will not lose her time with him during the virtual school hours, even if he is not doing anything but playing video games. She doesn't want to stress him out. She feels that education is way behind mental health and does not think it correlates together in any form.
Our thinking is, he needs to start socializing to help get him out of this hole along with taking proper medication and the therapy treatment that was prescribed by the pyschiatrists that saw him. Here is the problem though, he won't take medication or go to any sort of therapy and she won't force him to either. They have showed him a letter the psychs wrote for him to explain his diagnosis and he shut down. She believes he needs to work this out on his own accord and then it will work out fine. My DH has said to her that he is not of the mind to take care of himself in the way he needs to and that is why they're the parents. Since she absolutely disagrees there is nothing he can do. We don't have a lot of money and she can easily bury us in legal fees if we tried to take this to court.
Now for me, I love these kids with all of my heart. I have pushed for years to make sure that my DH and I raise them in a way that would allow them to become indepdent, self- reliant, kind, and empathetic. Their mother has a whole other view on the world and it is INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING. So much so that this bitterness continues to grow inside and it keeps getting worse and worse. I started going to therapy and a psych myself and all of the therapists and my psych have said that she is toxic and to stay away. But how do I stay away when she is a constant?
If anyone has any advice I will graciously accept it. I just want to run away and give up some days. Does anyone else feel like that?
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How frustrating!
I dont really have any advice. How frustrating this is. You and your DH sound like you have a sane view of the situation and BM sounds delusional, withholding his education and medical help sounds almost abusive. There are many professionals on this site so I'm sure you'll get some excellent advice. I agree with the therapist, keep BM at arm's length as much as you can but it's hard with the 50/50 and her living so close. Polite and civil, nothing more. Good luck, wish I had more help for you.
Thank you!
Thank you for your advice! I really appreciate it. It's true and I just have to keep remembering that.
50% legal & 50% physical Means...
the BM doesn't have full say on the Childs education, this is a mutual agreement. Have your DH talk with the school and explain the situation of the BM not doing the homeschooling. In my area, the schools will take notice and contact the BM, putting her on notice that the child needs to be doing the schooling. If the child is not doing the work, the school will contact Child Protective Services, as what BM is doing is a form of child abuse/neglect. Your DH needs to be pro-active with the school, so nothing can comes back at him, because BM is being a lazy parent.
Truth
Hey there,
He started contacting the school more and we stopped trying to front that it is a team effort from all three of us. Especially after we found out that she has not done any assignments with him. We were homeschooling the twins last year from March till this year, DH trusted BM to actually do the work with him, but she hadn't. So now he has been very clear of who's house SS is at when he is doing his work.
Been there, done all of that.
Been there, done all of that... and learned from it! You say that their coparenting relationship (DH and BM) is amicable, but I think if your DH made a decision or did something BM didn't like, you'd find her to be very high conflict and hard to work with. These HCBMs are only amicable when they are in control and things go their way. If not, I guarantee, she would try to label your DH as "difficult", "abusive" or "unable to coparent". There generally isn't a way to coparent with these HCBMs - it is all about parallel parenting.
Don't try to be friends with BM, it almost never works out. When you met BM, she gave you a warning sign to who she really is - by telling you how they had the kids and how they split up, she is trying to make you jealous and by saying "I don't think you two should have kids and DH needs a vasectomy," that is BM laying claim to your DH and trying to put you in your place as "second." Be careful if you do talk to BM, she may take anything you say and twist it against you if she feels threatened or challenged. Keep your distance.
You and DH need strong boundaries with BM - no more unannounced or unwanted visits from BM, no more "friendly" interactions. Don't let her play the "it's for the children" card - it's not, its for BM to try to control you, DH and your household or at least an attempt to snoop/spy. I agree with the posters above, your DH needs to contact the school with his concerns, especially because BM is neglecting SS. 50/50 does not give BM 100% control and BM doesn't get final decision making. Your DH needs to know his CO like the back of his hand so he can stop any shenanigans. Once you start setting boundaries, I think you will start to see BM rear her ugly head and the claws will come out.
Otherwise, I suggest you disengage. You cannot care about your SSs more than their parents. I'd DH disagrees with BM's approach, then it is up to him to deal with it. You can support DH but you should not be getting involved (contacting the school, emailing BM, etc.) The more you get involved, the more BM will fight back and claim you are trying to replace her or interfere. The last thing you want is BM claiming that you are playing "happy family" with her children. Let the bioparents do the raising and try to maintain your sanity.
Hugs to you. Like I said, I've been there and done that and would never had gotten involved with BM and coparenting had I known. I've been with DH for 8 years and have had zero contact with BM for the last 2 and it has been glorious and keeps the drama relatively low. I help take care of SS when he is here, but when SS is at BM's, I let DH handle all the communication and coparenting.
Yes, all of this, OP - and
Yes, all of this, OP - and your DH needs to be communicating with the school and the psychiatrist about BM's neglect of SS. Sooner or later, one of them will call CPS on her, but not unless they really know what's going on.
And they aren't "amicable", he's giving in to keep the peace and avoid being dragged to court.
There is nothing you can do except support him in what he wants to do in regard to his kids.
YES!
It is like you're reading into my soul. Thank you so much for the input. I really can't do this much longer and maintain my sanity. I just get so overprotective of both my DH and SS's. (Wanted to make that plural. lol) But I do have to remember that they are not my kids, I just feel like there is a moral obligation to them and making sure they are getting the best care possible. But you're right, DH has to do it. Not me.
Once you get past your
Once you get past your feelings of moral obligation, you will be more at peace. You have no moral obligation to these children except to treat them with respect and ensure their safety when they are in your home. Outside of that, any moral obligation to provide day to day care, childcare, medical care, education, and an adequate upbringing is their parents' responsibilities. You can absolutely want the best for them, but if their parents are not willing to provide that, there isn't much you can do.
Do you and DH want/plan to have children of your own?
Thank you for this feedback.
Thank you for this feedback. I think you're absoltely right!! I need to stop trying to get involved and help DH out. As for my DH and I having kids, we've thought about it. But ultimately I'm good for now, and if it happens great, and if it doesn't... that's fine too.
How about yourself? Do you have kid swith your DH?
You can guide DH and give him
You can guide DH and give him advice and support. But he has to do the work. As stated above if BM catches wind you are behind anything she finds threatening she will unleash her wrath and the kids will suffer the most.
I have found the most effective way to deal with a HCBM is to act like you could care less about her kids or what they do. This is the most effective strategy because they don't know what to do when they can't use the kids as pawns to hurt you.