I had to LOL at myself yesterday. I am resentful of DH and it affects my dreams! Custody hearing is this Thursday... FULL custody. Oh joy *eye roll*... anyway, he wants me to watch the girls as he goes to work. I was like dude, I have sh!t to do today. He's like, you want them to be at my work for 6 hours??? (he works for a gym and it has childcare). I sarcastically asked what it was he did before I ever came along. He didn't like that very much. I insisted on saying I wasn't a parent, they have those. That I married him. He started stressing about what would happen once he got full custody? I should add that he has a very strong case against her and I'm 95% sure it's going to go through. He said "our" daughters... I stopped him right there.
"what do you mean "OUR" daughters???"
"well our daughters since you're going to be the female role model there for them."
"UMmmmmm... I always said that I'm not their mom. They have a mother and I never want to take her place. And besides, if I don't get the bringing up and disciplinary OK from you, I'm not going to get stuck taking care of them and cleaning up after them, but not have the respect and discipline role."

In the past, we talked about what expectations we had of me and my role in the house. I have always said I'm not their mom. Then he acts all surprised. HE is NOT going to try to delegate MY role. It's what I choose and I prefer work. I'm not going to suffer because he made a mistake in the past. Yes, I married him, but on the provision that I'm able to continue my career and he has sole watch over his girls. Again- they aren't mine.
I finally got it out that I don't love them. In terms of, do you love a neighbor child that you just met? NO.... it takes time to bond and love that child. He had the bullsh!t line that there are no line differentiations in love. PUH-LEASE!!!! You don't love your mother the same as you love me. You don't love your friends the same as you love your children. At least I made sense to him at that point. And i'm not going to apologize or feel bad for not having emotions he wants me to have. Effin leave me then and cry me a river while you're at it. Make my life easier anyway. Because it's not enough that I'm trying to bond with 2 little germ sponges that I have to pick up minimum 3 times a day, who eat my food and latch onto me like a spider monkey... and I can't even get time to take a fuckin shower without a little hand knocking on the door "needing" something. Let's forget the amount of money I contribute to groceries that I'm spending on three times the people, vs just myself. Or that I buy them clothes because he's a man and doesn't do that. So spare me... and quit using my car because you're car sucks. So yeah, EXCUSE ME, I DON'T love your kids... NOT YET!!!

While I didn't say these things, I think them. I don't even know if that's appropriate to bring up.

He laid there on the bed, gazing up at the ceiling thinking. With tears in his eyes he looked at me and says "fuck... I know where you're coming from. My ex had a son and I remember feeling the same exact way as you. My ex lectured me about what role I was to play in his life."

Interesting.
Where to from now?