Do you ever feel guilty .....

We all know how we feel about skids (for the most part).

Do you ever feel guilty for having such strong feelings about children? Deep down, I think they didn't get this way on their own, they started off as victims of circumstance, usually made worse by psycho BMs who have made our lives hell.

Sometimes, I wonder, are those who have never walked in our shoes right? "They're just kids, they need more love, they are victims....."

I feel justified in being disengaged. However, am I contributing in any way to these kids lives? If I did keep sucking it up, would my presence ever make a difference? Does my disengagement make them feel rejected?

I remember being a kid. Although I never woulda had the guts to act like skids, did I really know better? Was I capable of making good choices, especially in the face of such crazy ness?

Is my questioning this simply the guilt trips I have received working? Am I being codependent? Should I or should I not feel guilty for giving up the fight for skids? How do u all feel about it yourselves?

If what I'm feeling is justified, and what I'm doing is right... Why do so many outside of this situation look at me like "how dare she NOT live for these kids!!!! Suffer at their whim, be drug through the mud, live in hell, go to the ends of the earth, she has NO right to protect herself, they're INNOCENT LITTLE KIDS."

Mrs. Why's blog
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I was parenting. I quit. I'm

I was parenting. I quit. I'm tired of finding out SD14 is telling people I a use her and am mean. Nope. No guilt. She occasionally gets her manipulative BPD ways and I fall for it, but I'm happier and I am cautious so she can't twist what I say any more.

She's a liar manipulator and down right awful. Partly my fault since she lived with us so that's my guilt. I wouldn't regret if she moved out other than risk of child support (we never got a dime from bm but definitely would have to pay $850 a month and I know bm would love us to have to pay her rent).

Best thing for a step is be nice and do not parent. Treat them like a neighbors kid.

I like that "treat them like

I like that "treat them like a neighbors kid" it's always so uncomfortable allowing kids to take over MY home ya know. Don't always know how to detach AND b able to b around them.

No, I don't feel guilty. I

No, I don't feel guilty. I don't feel guilty about not liking SD, though in fairness she's not a little kid, she'll be legally an adult this year. I can't say I worry about what my disengagement could do or has done to her self-esteem. Considering her own mother informed her she was being replaced by me, I'm pretty sure nothing I could do or say would remotely touch the damage BM has done to her own child. So I really doubt that me not being interested in her daily activities has any impact.

I also don't feel bad for not liking the child in the restaurant that throws food. Or the kid in the mall that runs into my legs with their stroller. Twice. As mommy and daddy look indulgently on. I feel no guilt about yelling at the neighbor kid to throw rocks at my windows and not thinking it's just adorable. I have no interest in seeing them make ugly faces and I don't really care if they feel rejected when I tell them I don't want to see that nonsense. I don't feel guilty for not loving and not much liking my BFF's kid who is turning into a feral, undisciplined, violent little monster.

None of these are my kids. I am not responsible for how they turn out. I'm not responsible for their self-esteem, their morals, their future. I didn't decide to have them. And no matter what they may be victims of themselves, that does not give them the right to victimize others. While there is an age beneath which they may not understand, that does not mean that others must tolerate mistreatment. Just because a toddler may not understand their action can cause pain, that doesn't mean an adult stands there and let's the toddler bite or kick or slap without a word. Well, at least not if the adult has any sense.

Awesome thoughts! Thank u, I

Awesome thoughts! Thank u, I struggle all the time with feeling responsible for them in some way, but I'm not! The way u put it is great, thanks

THAT I understand, my DH and

THAT I understand, my DH and his kids feel like skids have a RIGHT to our daughter, I could give a fuck if she ever even knows them, and I surely don't want her living with what we have... or being influenced by their behavior!

I have struggled with

I have struggled with everything ur saying also, I feel exactly the same, although, I've never been one to believe seeking out a professional to help myself become MORE accepting to deal with MORE bullshit is a good idea! I actually talked myself out of it, because, I don't want to learn how to eat more shit, or b ok with it

Oh my, huggasaurus, you so

Oh my, huggasaurus, you so clearly articulated my internal struggles.

I feel guilty because I don't really feel very sympathetic towards her
I don't like her bossiness and I don't like her attention-seeking traits.
I feel guilty that I don't have the patience to deal with her antics and her lying.

But this is the #1 reason I struggle too:
I feel guilty when people tell me I'm doing a "MARVELOUS JOB! OMG SHE'S SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU" because I don't do anything for her anymore. I disengaged because of her behaviour.

Thank you for posting this. If for no other reason than I know I'm not alone. I KNOW I could do more, care more, for my SDs. But I don't want to; it seems it takes every ounce of my mom-energy to meet their bottomless pit lists of demands and desires. It is never-ending with them, which isn't fair to me. Or my three kids, whom I need to/want to pour my energy into and nurture like a mom.

I actually do do a lot for my skids. More than what I've seen on these boards, and more than what many posters may recommend I do. I'm ok with that. I just know if I have five more minutes left of energy at the end of the day, I have never and will never, give it to my skids. I just won't. I don't want to invest my best parenting moments into children for whom I do not expect to be given credit for, nor will I accept blame for their shortcomings.

It's like asking me to devote significant time to love and train the neighbors new puppy to have great manners but it isn't my puppy, will never be my puppy, and I will never reap the internal satisfaction of being that puppy's owner. It just is what it is I guess.

I felt exactly the same as u.

I felt exactly the same as u. Step parenting sucked the life out of me so badly and just plain sucked so badly I never wanted my own children.... That is until I had an oops! I can say, SO NOT LET YOUR STEP CHILDREN ROB YOU OF YOUR OWN!!!!! It's completely and wonderfully different! The only bit of advice I would give is protect your own child from step kids at ALL costs!