Iz gotz my masters in Engliz.... fo relz!

Well, the way I am looking at is that BM is diffidently at a crossroads... I doubt she's doing it rightly for your SS. Meaning, yes, motive is SS... but she doesn't want to lose that CS, giving you more time, and you using that in court, is seen as your advantage. She's very concerned with that check... but I read that she's disposition, deflecting that concern with the underline tone of saying by SS's request. If it truly was for the interest of SS, she won't have wrote this letter... no, it would have been much simpler, but she's torn because she knows... more time, less money. It's the totally tone over this letter.

I also think biomom has it on the nose. She is very specific with the date... if that didn't scream out... got plans, no one, no babysitter...what do I do, there would be no letter either.

I have to argue against the time issue... we've actually had this issue come up in court, and if one party does give extensive 'extra' time to the other parent, the judge was very clear about that being actually accrued parent hours and can be taken into consideration. SO, like BM has been 'allowing' all this 'extra' time with our SS for the past year. Technically, we could go for this 'extra' time as being added to our time, because it's a consistent basis. A judge clearly defined it for both BM and DH at one point and said, that it doesn't matter... who has SS at that time, is accruing parent hours, and if DH's parent hours are over his stated CS schedule, he is entitled to reimbursement/adjustment in time. It's already happened to us once. Because, it shows that BM (I'm speaking from our case, not mocha's) is not able to make adequate arrangements, but rather, giving us the time instead- she lost that time, she can't not regain that time, and therefore, she could not get paid for that time, since SS was with us, and CS is based on salary and time with each parent. (BM was livid... but, you owe us $400 honey...)

So, I can see how your BM is looking at this... and she knows, she is putting herself in a position she doesn't want to be in... but at the same time, there has to be some plans in order for her to go this route.

And, it happens to be 12:52pm where I am at... I can't sleep yet... but I would gladly rewrite your letter for you!!!! Just reads Daddysgurl post! LMAO...

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

While reading that, I was thinking that it sounds like she is wording in such a way that it can be presented in court and on her behalf, attempting to make the judge believe that she really is the injured party in all this. Why send an e-mail anyway? Does she not have a telephone? Oh that's right, in most states, it is illegal to record someone without their permission. I would be careful on this one.

~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~

The layout and wording of the email is just too pedantic to be innocent in nature. I think she's trying to use this against you.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

I think if she was really being clear in her thought process and the best interests of SS, that if SS is in fact going to start spending more time with his dad on a consistent basis, that her CS SHOULD lower. It sounds to me, like she doesn't want DH to try to spend more time with SS if it will change her Child Support. Not thinking about what's best for SS or what SS wants.

I wouldn't respond to this email. I would file it away to show that she's more concerned about her CS than she is for her child..

And I agree with Daddy's Gurl.. this is SO rediculous that she's "granting time" or "allowing" him to see his son. She's not in charge here.. she's not the boss.. she's not God. The attitude she's taken that she IS.. has always confused me.

Stepup

I have to agree with Cruella. It sounds like she wants to have "her" time but she doesn't want to give up her "paycheck". I wouldn't respond because this is just an effort on her part to CYA in case anything is said. Not only that but she's trying to guilt DH by saying SS wants the extra time. We have the same problem with BM and CS as well. She doesn't want to raise SD but doesn't want to give up the money either.....

I'm sorry I disagree with all of you. An extra day here and there should not be grounds for less CS paid. What are we talking about here..the cost of food. Clothing and rent are still being paid by BM whether or not the kid is with you or her. I think you should just be happy for the extra time, no matter what her motive is, whether she has a date or not. I am so thankful that my BF and his ex do not have a problem with visitation, and they are very accommodating to each other to change weekends, if something comes up with either one of them. I say enjoy the extra time, and forget the CS.

I was away for one day and feel like I missed so much of your story! What a bad friend to take so long to answer.... She is merely putting on the front that she thinks is what the judge wants to see. She was ordered to communicate and now makes it took good on paper. A leapord can't change his spots! She will use you guys when the timing is right for her and the benefit is on her. My guess is if SS had a choice, he would live with you guys. So for her to say that she is doing it because SS asked sounds way to outrageous. Keep your gaurd up. She is up to something!!!! Now, I need to know what your reply was... and you have my private email, so you could have sent it J/K

I guess I'm daft, but can someone explain to me how an extra day here and there equals a modification of support?? So what, suddenly you have him another .5% of the time, entitling you to a $18.75 reduction for the year? That's utter nonsense. Who would file for a modification based on a handful of extra days?

That being said, if this is something that is happening frequently--as in, every month you are getting him for an extra week total or so--then I would say it's only fair to modify not only support but custody as well so that you can plan your schedules accordingly.

I agree that the email is extremely formal, but I'm not surprised by it. No doubt any communication from her henceforth will be in a similar style because she's going to collect every email and have them with her if and when you go back to court. I can't say I blame her, though, because we did the same thing with BB. However, this is going to backfire on her. Daddysgurl totally hit it on the head--she's treating her child's father like some tertiary character in SS's life, that he may be SO lucky as to have bestowed upon him the reward of extra time with his son. BB was THE SAME WAY with EX...it was always "If I LET you see him" or "You are lucky that I am ALLOWING this time" or whatever. When we went to court *(one of the countless times) the judge REALLY let her have it when BB used similar language. She said that spending time with his child is not a reward or a gift, but a RIGHT, and each parent shares that right with the other. Of course, custody determines the schedule, but that doesn't mean CP has the power.

Perhaps when BM learns not to view her child as a bargaining chip, she will comes to see that this is not a game, and that it's not necessary to scheme this way. If she cannot survive if the CS is decreased, then she needs to think about another job. It's a great help, CS, but it can't make or break you. It's too unreliable, and it also creates the problems that you're facing now, because at the end of the day, it does become all about the money and for the people that depend on it, sometimes it has to.

Your husband's email was classy. I think he put it perfectly. So funny that BM has no electricity. Not for Jacob, but for her. Serves her right..... Just glad things are seeming to work in your favor.

and I thought your response was well put.... however, I have found that when I communicate via e-mail with my ex, we fight more than ever.... I think its because e-mail is so impersonal and you literally cannot determine the intended tone of an e-mail.
To me, BB's letter sounded very fishy and I agree that she has planned a long weekend or something and NEEDS you, I don't believe for one second that she is acting in SS's best interest.
BUT... I also think that your response could be taken as rude.... BUT then again, she did cast the first stone so its not as if you are just sitting over there sending messages for no reason.

There are two aspects of divorce relative to children: child support and custody. They are two separate issues. Visitation is a custody issue, not a CS issue. Yes, the CS amount calculation does, in some states, take into consideration the amount of time a child is with each parent, but there has to be a significant change in amount of time for there to be a significant change in amount of CS paid. Going from EOW to 50/50, for example. Going from one week during summer vacation to the entire three months of summer vacation, for example. Having the NCP take the child after school until the CP gets off work so that there's no need for the CP to pay child-care costs, is another example. Adding an extra day here or there isn't going to warrant a decrease in CS and she's crazy to think she has anything to fear by DH taking some extra time. Even if you did take her back to court for more CS, you'd have to be getting him significantly more than before. A day or two here and there isn't going to give her anything to worry about. If she took ten minutes to check the laws where you live, she'd know that.

I think this is 100% manipulation, nothing more. But you know how it is, you have to play the game. I'd reassure her that CS and visitation are separate issues, that there's been no significant change in circumstances to warrant you going after less CS and that time with the child isn't necessarily something she "grants," it's something her child has the right to receive. As NCPs, we always get "blessed" when the BM decides to "grant" us "extra" time and we always know it's because she's got plans and can't find a babysitter. Big deal. I roll my eyes and we always say yes, because we've never gotten them enough, as it is, and extra time, regardless of the reason, is always a good thing. It's no skin off DH's nose to say to her ON THIS ISSUE, "Of course! You're absolutely right! I agree! I'll take him both days." Then the two of you can have your little laugh at her expense and behind her back, and then enjoy the extra time with J.

~ Anne ~

"The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there." ...Anonymous